Wife has seizures in her sleep , almost a decade together...

[WonderingWhat]

Hello, I am reaching out for help because I feel that I cannot help my spouse anymore.

 

We do not have any relatives that can take either of us in to help us start a new life as individuals. We have been together for 8 years, I have cared for her through siezures and losing our first born child to the state courts because of her epilepsy...I feel that she will always secretly hate me because I wasnt able to protect our child from the courts...

 

I feel she does not want the kind of help I have to offer, and that she would be much happier as a housewife to a single dad and his children because those are her strengths. I am not sure if this is where I really belong or if I will ever really be happy here....I worked really hard at hostile work environments to help her afford rent and overpriced "medical marijuana" just for her to watch re-runs and fall asleep, like she isnt even interested in being physically intimate with me. She will drink coffee smoke cigarettes avoid eating all day some times, and that is a serious turn off for me.

 

We have been to counseling, as individuals and as a couple...she's met all my relatives and some past acquaintances even, ive never met anyone from her past... my bisexual feelings are coming back and she says she wants me to have this and still be together...but its hard to want to be sexual with her or to feel like bringing her around other people sommetimes. I find myself wondering "is her epilepsy condition making her oversimplify what a relationship really is? does she understand what it means to be an adult, to have other feelings other than wanting something instantly gratifying life chocolate or cigarettes or coffee? does her condition make her unable to have a conversation about positive things, or emotional topics, without changing the subject or interrupting?"

 

I feel like I am losing my sense for sympathy and compassion for her, and watching myself become that is making me terribly sad inside. I feel like I am trapped with a mentally handicapped big sister who all the other family didnt want to help anymore...I feel like she is not interested in physical intimacy at all and just goes through it if we havent fallen asleep at the end of the night yet, just so she can continue to "have a husband". She likes to "have" this "husband" so much? Well I feel like I'm being Had...

 

she didn't even know she was having siezures in her sleep until we started sleeping together after sex...then she told me her father has epilepsy, and she probably does too, so we went to get her help. We tried to settle down, have a baby (courts didnt let our baby come home, terminated parental rights due to wifes epilepsy and pot use for epilepsy- so I feel like theres a secret female vendetta on my head for not protecting our child), I had jobs (most of the money went to overpriced medical pot to help her feel comfortable content happy whatever...) -- I just dont know where to go from here and feel like we have seen to much hard time to be able to have happiness together...

 

This is all I can say for now...please help we both dont have anywhere else to go start a new life away from each other...but I feel like our life together is ended and we are just in a kind of purgatory where she is too afraid to let me go and I dont want to have to bother starting my life over again, after all the time I served as a dedicated boring straight "husband" it got me nothing but a heavy heart that is turning grey and sad...

Edited September 21, 2018 by WonderingWhat
clarification

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, why weren't you deemed fit to take care of your child? Something doesn't sound right here.

[WonderingWhat]

its too much to talk about

 

im done reaching out for help on the internet, nobody is supportive they just want to cut you down and make you feel smaller...the internet isnt bringing people together and connecting people, its just a refuge for divisiveness and bullying...

 

never mind sorry to waste your time

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

its too much to talk about

 

im done reaching out for help on the internet, nobody is supportive they just want to cut you down and make you feel smaller...the internet isnt bringing people together and connecting people, its just a refuge for divisiveness and bullying...

 

never mind sorry to waste your time

 

That's not true at all of Loveshack. The mods here are pretty heavy-handed with people who start to be unsupportive of the OP. But, like Normm pointed out, nobody can help with only partial facts. Also, was there a specific question? Or did you just need to vent a little?

[pepperbird]

OP, don't run away. It's okay to start slowly when opening up. Tell us some more about your situation.

Edited September 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

im done reaching out for help on the internet, nobody is supportive they just want to cut you down and make you feel smaller...the internet isnt bringing people together and connecting people, its just a refuge for divisiveness and bullying...

 

never mind sorry to waste your time

 

WonderingWhat, you've presented an account where 2+2=5 so it's normal that members would have questions about the path that brought your here.

 

I guarantee you'll get some responses that will feel supportive and some that will seem judgmental, just how it works. But there is value in considering differing opinions and feedback, especially for someone in a complex and nuanced situation.

 

Up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tristian]

That's not true at all of Loveshack. The mods here are pretty heavy-handed with people who start to be unsupportive of the OP.

 

 

That we are, and with good reason. Never a good thing to see a new member feeling attacked.

 

You may notice a couple of responses missing here. If the OP wishes to continue, I will ask everyone to remember our guidelines regarding civility and to keep our assumptions out of our replies.

 

It is very rare that other members have any first hand knowledge of an OPs situation so it is not for us to question the validity of the information given.

[WonderingWhat]

I must say, I am a bit put off by your reactionary assumptions, suspicion, and red tape.

 

Imagine had I not mentioned anything at all about us not being able to bring our child home, and subsequently losing our parental rights...that would have been quite a “lie” or “half truth”, would it not?

...Would you have known the difference?

 

Part of why I made my original post is partially venting, a lot has happened in the course of our 8 years together – but that pales in comparison to my need for a human sense of understanding, sympathy, and connection. You see, I do love my spouse very much and would be thinking about her very much if we were not together anymore. But I am not sure if us staying together is really good for us, or the people around us…and I cannot just go on with this anymore without any advice from others. And yes we have sought professional help through counseling, although I cant say my spouse has really tried at that as hard as I have, but who like to keep score right?

 

I guess I should have not mentioned anything at all about us losing our child, because now I feel that I am wrapped up in red tape and scrutiny from the initial reactions to my post...I have to imagine that if I had presented myself as a female here that I would have gotten a totally different reaction to saying that the courts terminated my parental rights. Wouldn’t have that been quite misleading?

 

But regardless of your jadedness and suspicion, what I have to share is completely truthful and authentic. And I am brave enough to share some more authentic truth of my life one more time, and weather whatever kind of reactions that may present.

 

So before I say anything else about the situation of my relationship with my spouse, let me tell you more about my personal situation::

 

I am the only child of two divorcees, one of which uses his former family as an echo chamber for his destructive pride...

 

My father sexually abused me as an infant, and brought another adult into the picture who would sexually abuse me as well; this began at age 4 or 5 possibly earlier and continued until I started acting out at school in 4th grade… upon which afterwards my family moved away from that town and I had to try to make new friends while trying to cope with trauma from sexual abuse. My father also abused me in other ways, and encouraged my mother to as well. I dont speak to any of my relatives anymore.

 

I was afraid all of this would make me unfit to be in a relationship at all, and turn out to be a totally ****ed up person from being confused (I was suicidal and had insomnia all throughout my childhood, and my parents would bully me into acting like everything was okay and we were functional)...until I tried meditation and yoga during ages 14-17 and it helped me get in touch with a tender transcendent feeling in my heart. That feeling in my heart told me that being in love was okay, even though my parents made it look bad and told me that it was sinful to even talk to girls much less explore my personal sexual feelings…that feeling told me that being able to experience the purity andd innocence of my own child would help make me a more complete person, how wrong and naive I was to discover that spiritual sentiment was...

 

But now I am wondering...maybe I really am not cut out to be in a relationship... I dont have much financial stability or resources to offer, no relatives for support, im a really “sensitive guy” (questioning if I even fit into this world as a “man”) but Im not physically abusive...I worked really hard in school to “be smart” and “successful” yet the manipulative games my parents were playing with me resulted in just a struggle trying to find somewhere to belong and live…

 

And yes, I have been with my spouse for 8 years coming this october...We’ve never cheated on each other, and yes tried to have a child in the process of attempting to settle down in California together – but we went through 9 months of prenatal care and the OB knows she wasnt on drugs. Various healthcare professionals we worked with quit their practice after trying to help us unsuccessfully preserve our parental rights and be our daughter’s parents...you can draw your own conclusions about that.

 

I dont blame my spouse for never being able to forgive me, but I dont feel its right for either of us to be stuck together out of guilt and shame for utilizing the natural functions of our reproductive organs, while in a financially stable position, not on drugs or drinking, in counseling... doing everything an adult couple can to have a family even though our relatives are not in our lives.…

 

Is it worth staying together when all you have in common is the skeletons in your closet, and the futile ways you try to get through each day and cope with the impact of all that?

Edited September 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed personal identifying info

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why do you think your wife has never been able to forgive you? Has she told you this?

[basil67]

Thanks for the deeper explanation. What does your wife think you should have done differently to be able to keep your child with you? And how did your counsellor(s) address the issue?

[Mr. Lucky]

I dont blame my spouse for never being able to forgive me, but I dont feel its right for either of us to be stuck together out of guilt and shame for utilizing the natural functions of our reproductive organs, while in a financially stable position, not on drugs or drinking, in counseling... doing everything an adult couple can to have a family even though our relatives are not in our lives.…

 

Same question as everyone else - assuming there is "blame", why does it all fall on you? Or, based on your nature, is that simply your own assumption?

 

Mr. Lucky

[WonderingWhat]

how could it not be my fault? im the male...no matter what my intentions are beyond personal sexual gratification, I feel that the world percieves that is all I am concerned with because I am male. I had never been to court before save to try and defend our parental rights, the wrongful debasement and humiliation I was subjected to was enough to make me want to chop off my genetals or become asexual...I am kind of sick of being a man and commonly generalized as macho, agressive, corrupt as a result of the gender I was born into...

 

Or maybe that is because I was subject to repeated sexual abuse from males throughout my childhood? And was even stalked by male homosexual predators in college?

 

im not sure if answering these questions will help me figure out why i dont feel a sense of happiness or belonging in this relationship...

 

havent i already said too much?

[basil67]

how could it not be my fault? im the male...no matter what my intentions are beyond personal sexual gratification, I feel that the world percieves that is all I am concerned with because I am male. I had never been to court before save to try and defend our parental rights, the wrongful debasement and humiliation I was subjected to was enough to make me want to chop off my genetals or become asexual...I am kind of sick of being a man and commonly generalized as macho, agressive, corrupt as a result of the gender I was born into...

 

Or maybe that is because I was subject to repeated sexual abuse from males throughout my childhood? And was even stalked by male homosexual predators in college?

 

im not sure if answering these questions will help me figure out why i dont feel a sense of happiness or belonging in this relationship...

 

havent i already said too much?

 

You've said nothing here about why your wife blames you....this is about your beliefs regarding how the world blames men. So perhaps the problem isn't her blaming you, but you blaming yourself?

[Mardelis]

Various healthcare professionals we worked with quit their practice after trying to help us unsuccessfully preserve our parental rights and be our daughter’s parents...you can draw your own conclusions about that.

 

 

Why don't you just tell us rather than making people guess?

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it worth staying together when all you have in common is the skeletons in your closet, and the futile ways you try to get through each day and cope with the impact of all that?

 

To answer your question then no, I wouldn't stay together under these circumstances, assuming I'd exhausted the options for understanding how and why you're at the point as a couple.

 

Doesn't sound healthy for either one of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

And yes, I have been with my spouse for 8 years coming this october...We’ve never cheated on each other, and yes tried to have a child in the process of attempting to settle down in California together – but we went through 9 months of prenatal care and the OB knows she wasnt on drugs. Various healthcare professionals we worked with quit their practice after trying to help us unsuccessfully preserve our parental rights and be our daughter’s parents...you can draw your own conclusions about that.

 

So, were there accusations of drug use against your wife? You said she was using marijuana to treat her epilepsy, so I am gathering this is related to the reason why your child was taken away.

 

And your wife blames you for her drug use and ultimately losing custody of your baby...is that it?

 

I am having a hard time following your train of thought and what sort of advice you're truly after, OP.

[Artdeco]

So, were there accusations of drug use against your wife? You said she was using marijuana to treat her epilepsy, so I am gathering this is related to the reason why your child was taken away.

 

And your wife blames you for her drug use and ultimately losing custody of your baby...is that it?

 

I am having a hard time following your train of thought and what sort of advice you're truly after, OP.

 

Me, too. OP, you’re not coherent.

I don’t understand, amongst other things, why healthcare professionals who “tried to help you” lost their businesses.

[anika99]

Various healthcare professionals we worked with quit their practice after trying to help us unsuccessfully preserve our parental rights and be our daughter’s parents...you can draw your own conclusions about that.

 

But if we draw our own conclusions then we will be making assumptions again.

 

OP I think if you feel that you and your wife are only together out guilt and obligation then perhaps you should consider divorce.

[Estes]

There is not enough information provided to answer the question.

 

 

Including what the question actually is.

[pepperbird]

I must say, I am a bit put off by your reactionary assumptions, suspicion, and red tape.

 

Imagine had I not mentioned anything at all about us not being able to bring our child home, and subsequently losing our parental rights...that would have been quite a “lie” or “half truth”, would it not?

...Would you have known the difference?

 

Part of why I made my original post is partially venting, a lot has happened in the course of our 8 years together – but that pales in comparison to my need for a human sense of understanding, sympathy, and connection. You see, I do love my spouse very much and would be thinking about her very much if we were not together anymore. But I am not sure if us staying together is really good for us, or the people around us…and I cannot just go on with this anymore without any advice from others. And yes we have sought professional help through counseling, although I cant say my spouse has really tried at that as hard as I have, but who like to keep score right?

 

I guess I should have not mentioned anything at all about us losing our child, because now I feel that I am wrapped up in red tape and scrutiny from the initial reactions to my post...I have to imagine that if I had presented myself as a female here that I would have gotten a totally different reaction to saying that the courts terminated my parental rights. Wouldn’t have that been quite misleading?

 

But regardless of your jadedness and suspicion, what I have to share is completely truthful and authentic. And I am brave enough to share some more authentic truth of my life one more time, and weather whatever kind of reactions that may present.

 

So before I say anything else about the situation of my relationship with my spouse, let me tell you more about my personal situation::

 

I am the only child of two divorcees, one of which uses his former family as an echo chamber for his destructive pride...

 

My father sexually abused me as an infant, and brought another adult into the picture who would sexually abuse me as well; this began at age 4 or 5 possibly earlier and continued until I started acting out at school in 4th grade… upon which afterwards my family moved away from that town and I had to try to make new friends while trying to cope with trauma from sexual abuse. My father also abused me in other ways, and encouraged my mother to as well. I dont speak to any of my relatives anymore.

 

I was afraid all of this would make me unfit to be in a relationship at all, and turn out to be a totally ****ed up person from being confused (I was suicidal and had insomnia all throughout my childhood, and my parents would bully me into acting like everything was okay and we were functional)...until I tried meditation and yoga during ages 14-17 and it helped me get in touch with a tender transcendent feeling in my heart. That feeling in my heart told me that being in love was okay, even though my parents made it look bad and told me that it was sinful to even talk to girls much less explore my personal sexual feelings…that feeling told me that being able to experience the purity andd innocence of my own child would help make me a more complete person, how wrong and naive I was to discover that spiritual sentiment was...

 

But now I am wondering...maybe I really am not cut out to be in a relationship... I dont have much financial stability or resources to offer, no relatives for support, im a really “sensitive guy” (questioning if I even fit into this world as a “man”) but Im not physically abusive...I worked really hard in school to “be smart” and “successful” yet the manipulative games my parents were playing with me resulted in just a struggle trying to find somewhere to belong and live…

 

And yes, I have been with my spouse for 8 years coming this october...We’ve never cheated on each other, and yes tried to have a child in the process of attempting to settle down in California together – but we went through 9 months of prenatal care and the OB knows she wasnt on drugs. Various healthcare professionals we worked with quit their practice after trying to help us unsuccessfully preserve our parental rights and be our daughter’s parents...you can draw your own conclusions about that.

 

I dont blame my spouse for never being able to forgive me, but I dont feel its right for either of us to be stuck together out of guilt and shame for utilizing the natural functions of our reproductive organs, while in a financially stable position, not on drugs or drinking, in counseling... doing everything an adult couple can to have a family even though our relatives are not in our lives.…

 

Is it worth staying together when all you have in common is the skeletons in your closet, and the futile ways you try to get through each day and cope with the impact of all that?

 

 

Your words remind me of the song "Wish you Were Here" by Pink Floyd.

 

I really sounds like you both have a lot of healing to do, and even though you both love each other, being together may actually be keeping you both from finding that healing and peace.

 

 

I truly believe most of us are broken in some way, and that's okay. We have our whole life to sort ourselves out. I mean no offense to you when i say that you and your SO both have a lot of healing to do, and you may not be able to do so together. That's neither of your fault, it's just the way it is.

[WonderingWhat]

I am too emotionally exhausted to respond to each one of these questions...

 

My life if you cant tell does not have coherence or continuity besides the fact I keep waking up and having to tend to my needs for survival as a civilized human...

 

If we are to separate, one of us will end up homeless. And its probably going to be me. And I dont want to go to a homeless shelter again I got scabies at a homeless shelter before...

 

Ive had such a rough stupid life I feel that I shouldnt have to face it alone but being with her is making me feel like I have too many brain cells and im making futile attempts to make sense of things, like posting on this forum,,,

 

 

Theres lots of people here responding that are focusing on what happened when we lost our parental rights, and why etc....

 

That was about 6 years ago now, and may be a huge influence on why we are depressed and sad all the time together... but I dont need any help making sense of that.

 

This isnt about our parental rights or our daughter...this is about me having a decent life as an adult after being mistreated throughout my whole childhood and young adulthood by people I was supposed to be able to trust.

 

This is about how much energy and sincere dedication I have invested in this relationship, only to realize I was fooling myself and even though she says she want to "have fun and be happy" with me, she leaves me having to figure out how to go about bringing that into our life...after I have shown her everything that enriches my daily life, and none of it rubs off on her, I am left feeling like a freak and that my gifts as a lover and companion are being wasted in this relationship...

 

We have talked about sticking it out and trying to have a place for our daughter to live and start her life as an adult to when she ages out of the foster care system, if she even cares to find us or isnt brainwashed... but I am feeling like my life is getting drained away here being "had" as a "husband"...she is mainly good with kids and bieng a housewife, we dont have kids and have had a hard time finding somewhere we want to live (a house/apartment). I think she would be more happy and fit in with a single dad who has children and a house that needs her help.

 

I am feeling out of place, that I am not meant for conventional relationships...

 

And ya sorry I dont have the energy to tell you all about what happened at court, just to have you pick it apart even more and ask some other question that draws the focus away from that I am trying to get advice about...not even any kind of sympathetic or supportive remark "man that is tough sorry youre having a hard time...hugs...no matter what happens you both will turn out okay" just scrutiny and backhanded judgements of my character based on the information i vountarily shared...my mistake. i made myself an easy target for you. If it is not "coherent" for you that I am struggling and need some support, maybe even a friend, then maybe you should finish reading my posts before reacting with a display of your own confusion and lack of insight.

 

I am not sure if this is the right website for me to be interacting with...

Edited September 23, 2018 by WonderingWhat
wasnt finished

[BaileyB]

I am not sure if this is the right website for me to be interacting with...

 

I'm not sure that it is either. It would seem based on what you have shared that you need significant support - counsellors, social workers, health and social services. More support than can be found on this forum, to be very honest.

 

The good people of this board are trying to be helpful. You are quick to dismiss their questions when you have not shared the full story. You are also quick to pass judgment on their responses, when they are trying to understand what you have written.

 

I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time in your life. It is quite clear based on what you have written that you are overwhelmed emotionally and struggling to cope. I hope life gets better for you soon. I hope you find the support that you need.

[pepperbird]

op,

reading your words, it sounds to me like you are very sad, angry and also very, very sacred about the future.

 

Given everything you say you've been through, I'm not surprised. You sound overwhelmed.

 

I know you want to help your SO, but keep in mind the parable of the drowning man. Sometimes, someone who is drowning will pull you under too,not because they want to but because they have their own problems. It sounds to me like this is what is going on with you two.

 

I would suggest that you both seek support on your own. If you can each get yourself into a better place, you can then decide whether or not the relationship is right for either of you.

[WMGuy]

WonderingWhat,

 

No one person here is going to have the magic answer for you. Most likely you will find the answers thru the questions and bits of advice from others.

 

What happens when your wife doesn’t smoke the medical marijuana? I ask because I have seen it help people tremendously while it has also ruined people either by being addicted or it causing a deep depression.

 

I’m also very curious about her seizures in her sleep. I to have what my wife can only describe as seizures in my sleep, but the doctors don’t know what it is. They ruled out epilepsy. Has she been evaluated for them and/or treated? I’m curious to compare notes because of my situation with them.

Edited September 23, 2018 by WMGuy
Added a question.

[pepperbird]

WonderingWhat,

 

No one person here is going to have the magic answer for you. Most likely you will find the answers thru the questions and bits of advice from others.

 

What happens when your wife doesn’t smoke the medical marijuana? I ask because I have seen it help people tremendously while it has also ruined people either by being addicted or it causing a deep depression.

 

I’m also very curious about her seizures in her sleep. I to have what my wife can only describe as seizures in my sleep, but the doctors don’t know what it is. They ruled out epilepsy. Has she been evaluated for them and/or treated? I’m curious to compare notes because of my situation with them.

 

 

You are right about medical cannabis. It can really help, but it's not the "cure all" some think. It has to be used as a part of an overall treatment/ therapy program. I have seen is used in this way to treat PTSD, and it was effective as a combination.

 

 

 

I've used it myself, and it may have caused a flare of an autoimmune disorder I have. For me, the relief wasn't worth the flare, but my situation isn't typical for all.