Lie is unraveled 8 years later

[lostandconfused22]

Last weekend as I was going through old photos on our desktop computer I came across photos from a work vegas trip my husband attended 8 years ago (we were dating for 5 years at that time). The photos contained him and another woman whom I had never seen in my life. The photos were of them in an exotic car, shopping, having dinner and at a club. I was completely devastated. I recall when he got home from that trip asking who took photos of him and the car and he advised people off the street. I naively believed him as I have always had complete trust in him. Well that was an obvious lie! I immediately questioned him and he advised that he ran into an acquaintance (a waitress from a restaurant he frequented at the time) in the hotel lobby and they spent the day together and swears up and down that nothing happened. I don't know what to believe and am more disturbed that he thought it was ok to spend a day with a woman and not mention this to me. If he had told me this at that time I would have probably left him as I zero tolerance for this type of behavior (cheating or no cheating). We have been together for 14 years (married for 4) and have never had a situation like this. We have always had a great, strong and healthy relationship. I am in complete shambles over this and am now questioning our entire relationship. I can't believe he would lie to my face all those years ago and betray me like this. I do not know if I can ever trust him completely again. I have arranged for us to see a marriage counselor next week as I do not know how to cope with this. What do you all think? Am I overreacting? I can't talk to any of my friends or family about this as I am completely embarrassed. I am so lost....

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to hear of your pain and agony and confusion. Your pain is totally understandable and reasonable.

 

Marriage counselor sounds like a great idea.

 

I've shifted a bit in my position over the years. If this guy treated you like a jerk and you were struggling in the marriage BEFORE this revelation, I would say run.

 

On the other hand, if you have otherwise been very happy with this man and you feel he has treated you well ... and that he has been faithful since then ... then I'm more open to forgiveness than I once was.

 

It is possible, of course, that he did nothing with this woman but foolishly flirt and smile.

 

So I guess one key issue is to figure out if he really cheated ... In my younger years, I was indeed dumb enough to hang out with a woman in a flirty way ... without thinking that it was relevant to or a betrayal of my primary relationship. But I wouldn't have cheated. I just didn't understand clear boundaries at the time, and it's possible that your hubby is like this. Part of my problem is that I was hyper-moral so I assumed I could hang with someone without crossing the line.

 

I now know that you don't want to hang with anyone outside the relationship without strict and clear boundaries.

 

And when I was younger, I might have felt guilty about hanging out with another woman ... and thus acted guilty and not reported it ... even though no sex occurred.

 

You're in a tough and confusing position. My heart goes out to you. I would simply say if otherwise, you feel good in the relationship until now, I wouldn't rashly end things. I would go to the marriage counselor, pay close attention to my feelings ... and listen carefully to what he says (to see if I believe it).

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I overreacting?

 

No. Does this young lady involved work at a restaurant where you live?

 

And she just happened to run into your husband in Vegas, a city of 2 million people? And she happened to have the day - and night - free to spend it with him there?

 

An awful lot of "what ifs" for a cynic like me, I'm not a big believer in these type of happenstances. And if it all was innocent, he'd come back and tell you "I ran into Suzie Q on my trip and we hung out together", cards on the table.

 

Don't know if there's fire, but there's definitely smoke here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostandconfused22]

You completely read my mind.

 

No. Does this young lady involved work at a restaurant where you live?

 

It was a restaurant he frequented without me on boy's night so i have no idea who she was.

 

 

And she just happened to run into your husband in Vegas, a city of 2 million people? And she happened to have the day - and night - free to spend it with him there?

Exactly what I was questioning!

 

An awful lot of "what ifs" for a cynic like me, I'm not a big believer in these type of happenstances. And if it all was innocent, he'd come back and tell you "I ran into Suzie Q on my trip and we hung out together", cards on the table.

 

Exactly and believe me I would have dumped him right there and then.

 

Don't know if there's fire, but there's definitely smoke here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Guildford]

I am confused. As I understand your post, you are suddenly up set that 8 years ago your husband (then your boyfriend) spend the day in Las Vegas with a strange women, you asked him about it when he got home and he said that nothing happened. You believed him at the time and a few years later the two of you were married. What was your revaluation recently, what new information did you acquire? I believe that the marriage ceremony should act as a clean slate for the couple and that anything one of you did prior to the marriage that the other knew about should be forgiven and put behind you. I believe that you should do that and move forward with what appears to be a strong marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

What was your revaluation recently, what new information did you acquire?

 

Last weekend as I was going through old photos on our desktop computer I came across photos from a work vegas trip my husband attended 8 years ago (we were dating for 5 years at that time).

 

lostandconfused22, is this waitress based in your town or Las Vegas?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostandconfused22]

I am confused. As I understand your post, you are suddenly up set that 8 years ago your husband (then your boyfriend) spend the day in Las Vegas with a strange women, you asked him about it when he got home and he said that nothing happened. You believed him at the time and a few years later the two of you were married. What was your revaluation recently, what new information did you acquire? I believe that the marriage ceremony should act as a clean slate for the couple and that anything one of you did prior to the marriage that the other knew about should be forgiven and put behind you. I believe that you should do that and move forward with what appears to be a strong marriage.

 

Thank you for your response. He did not tell me at that time about spending the time with this woman. Which is what is so upsetting. I just found pictures a few days ago.

[lostandconfused22]

lostandconfused22, is this waitress based in your town or Las Vegas?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She is apparently from our town.

[Mr. Lucky]

She is apparently from our town.

 

Does your H see the problem here or is he stonewalling your concerns?

 

Let's say you had a handsome young fitness instructor at your local gym. If you returned from a "work" trip with undisclosed photos of the two of you cavorting on the beach, dancing in the club and having the wind blow through your hair on the PCH - wouldn't your spouse have an issue with that ?

 

At best, he has some pretty serious boundary and transparency issues. At worst...well, you're already considering the worst.

 

What does your H propose you do at this point?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostandconfused22]

Does your H see the problem here or is he stonewalling your concerns?

 

Let's say you had a handsome young fitness instructor at your local gym. If you returned from a "work" trip with undisclosed photos of the two of you cavorting on the beach, dancing in the club and having the wind blow through your hair on the PCH - wouldn't your spouse have an issue with that ?

 

At best, he has some pretty serious boundary and transparency issues. At worst...well, you're already considering the worst.

 

What does your H propose you do at this point?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He does understand my concerns and frustration and where I am coming from and indicates that the picture appear worse then what transpired. He is promising and swearing on everything that nothing remotely sexual happened. Which honestly at this point doesn't make a difference - I am more upset that he lied to my face and betrayed me.

 

I did bring this up that if it was the other way around he would be pissed and he did acknowledge he would be.

 

Let's see what happens in couples therapy...

[anika99]

He does understand my concerns and frustration and where I am coming from and indicates that the picture appear worse then what transpired. He is promising and swearing on everything that nothing remotely sexual happened. Which honestly at this point doesn't make a difference - I am more upset that he lied to my face and betrayed me.

 

I did bring this up that if it was the other way around he would be pissed and he did acknowledge he would be.

 

Let's see what happens in couples therapy...

 

I think what transpired is likely way worse than how the pictures appear. If he lied to you so easily before, he can just as easily lie to you now.

 

Even if he didn't plan to meet this woman or didn't take her to Vegas himself, how on earth did running into her in a hotel turn into him spending a whole day with her shopping and having dinner?

 

Here's what usually happens when people run into an acquaintance whom they barely know. "Fancy meeting you here. What brings you to this neck of the woods? .....myself? Well I'm just here on business. Sure is funny running into here..lol...well I hope you have a good time. Okay...bye"

 

This woman wasn't even a friend, not even really an acquaintance. I don't consider the staff members at the restaurants I eat acquaintances. How did she feel comfortable enough to spend a day with some customer she had waited on?

 

What was she doing in Vegas? If she hadn't been there for the purpose of being with your husband then who was she there with? How is it possible that she could just abandon whomever she was with to spend a day with your husband? Can you even imagine that? "Oh hey I just ran into a customer that I have served at the resturaunt back home. I've just decided that I'm going to spend this trip hanging out with him instead of you (sister, mom, bestie, whomever) so see ya later!"

 

Your husband is still lying

[elaine567]

Unless you can track this woman down and get the truth out of her or find some other evidence of his cheating then you are left with some photos and a "story". Unfortunately you, like so many others tend to do, have alerted him to your suspicions far too early. If he is/was up to no good, he now will be doing a massive cover up of his tracks, in case you find something else incriminating...

You don't know if this was a one off innocent meet up (unlikely I may add), a planned liaison or even whether this is the tip of the iceberg in that he is still seeing her or others...??

 

It really all boils down to whether you can believe his version of events or not, and if you cannot, whether you are prepared to accept he cheated on you and thus can move on from that somehow, or whether you need to end the marriage as the trust is now all gone.

 

Do you have children together?

[lostandconfused22]

Unless you can track this woman down and get the truth out of her or find some other evidence of his cheating then you are left with some photos and a "story". Unfortunately you, like so many others tend to do, have alerted him to your suspicions far too early. If he is/was up to no good, he now will be doing a massive cover up of his tracks, in case you find something else incriminating...

You don't know if this was a one off innocent meet up (unlikely I may add), a planned liaison or even whether this is the tip of the iceberg in that he is still seeing her or others...??

 

It really all boils down to whether you can believe his version of events or not, and if you cannot, whether you are prepared to accept he cheated on you and thus can move on from that somehow, or whether you need to end the marriage as the trust is now all gone.

 

Do you have children together?

 

No we do not. I don't think he is seeing other or cheating now as he is home with me every night and rarely goes out.

[FMW]

I would be upset too, Mr. Lucky set it out well.

 

What occurs to me is that infidelity is usually not a one time thing. If you go over your dating and marriage history with him and there are no other instances of questionable events, if your gut has never given you warning signs about anything else, then maybe this was just some random coincidence where nothing physically improper happened but he exercised bad judgment in not telling you about it. Maybe people off the street did take a few photos for him and he didn't really lie about that.

 

But if there was something really there then I'm betting it wasn't the only time.

 

What do you think? I usually think if something bothers someone enough to post about it it means their instincts are screaming at them. Always listen to your instincts.

[Normm]

I can't believe he would lie to my face all those years ago and betray me like this. I do not know if I can ever trust him completely again.

 

 

If you choose to stay with him, you must accept that he can never, ever be trusted and you'll need to keep one eye open forever. Try not to take it personally, it's who he is, his actions define him. If you choose to stay with him you must have him agree that his life is an open book to you- with you having complete access to his phone, email accounts, social media, everything. Do not settle for anything less.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How far do you live from Vegas? Did this work trip require a flight? It seems HIGHLY unlikely he ran into an acquaintance from your town.....who happened to have a free schedule for the day.....

 

He has had eight years to wonder if you'd ever find out and come up with a story. This isn't a good one.

 

Does he travel a lot for work?

[Mr. Lucky]

The photos contained him and another woman whom I had never seen in my life. The photos were of them in an exotic car, shopping, having dinner and at a club. I was completely devastated. I recall when he got home from that trip asking who took photos of him and the car and he advised people off the street.

 

Not that this all seemed likely from the get-go, but as I think about this his whole story holds less and less water. Why would he stop "people off the street" at each stop - cruising in the car, shopping, dinner, clubbing - to take pictures of him and this "acquaintance" he fortuitously bumped into? And then he kept the pictures on his hard drive? And told you nothing about any of this?

 

Here's my guess - someone else was there. A friend, workmate, perhaps it was even a double-date, took the pictures. I'd tell your husband he has ONE chance to come clean and tell you what really happened. You're committed to the marriage and you'll work hard to repair any damage.

 

But I'd also say you're not willing to play "what if" for the rest of your life. The ball is in his court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

. I recall when he got home from that trip asking who took photos of him and the car and he advised people off the street.

There were obviously two sets of photos of his trip. They were sorted into "official pics" that were shown to the OP when he came home, and unofficial pics that were stored on the hard drive.

The official story is that he was a lone man and a car seeing the sights, the unofficial story was different.

The unofficial pics showed his companion and the person who really took the pics of this "lone man and his car" on a work trip...

 

The identity of the person/persons who took the pics of the "happy couple" is irrelevant really, unless they are somehow still connected to the OP, someone close who knew and covered up "the secret" maybe?

[LuckyM]

Don't jump to conclusions and assume the worst.

 

Is it possible that this scene was not romantic? It is so hard to say without knowing more about your husband.

[OneParadox]

I'll be blunt: you are overreacting. This happened years ago, before you were married. Do you really want to throw it all away and start from scratch at this point for something that could have not happened?

 

Even if things did happen, let me tell you plenty of people about to be married do pretty stupid things before they sign on the dotted line. Bachelor and bachelorette parties in Vegas, for example, are not precisely bible study groups.

 

Instead of obsessing about whatever happened or did not happen 8 years ago, you should look at the future with this guy. Like the real important things. Are you going to have children? does he respect you and treat you well? do you guys still get along on a day to day basis? do you "get" each other in the sack? is he a liar? do people around you like him? do you still like him?

 

After so many years together and no kiddos, I suspect you might be looking for a reason to move on. Most marriages sans children tend to fall apart after 7 years (just reality). Vegas waitress circa last decade might be just the perfect excuse you were looking for to justify your exit from the marriage. Do go to therapy and spill your guts. Maybe it is time to call it quits, but the blame for this turn of events is likely to lie somewhere else....

[Mr. Lucky]

I'll be blunt: you are overreacting. This happened years ago, before you were married. Do you really want to throw it all away and start from scratch at this point for something that could have not happened?

 

You'd be amazed at the disruption even decades-old infidelity can cause when newly discovered. Here's but one of many examples:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/663746-wife-had-affair-9-years-ago-just-found-out

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

She is not overreacting.

She can no longer trust the man she married as he has apparently lied to her over some local waitress that he likely took to Vegas 8 years ago and "forgot" to mention it to her.

She had been dating him for 5 years prior, so it is very significant.

To some people fidelity is very very important.

To suggest she is looking for a way out over this incident is minimising its seriousness, when to a person to whom fidelity is paramount it is a huge problem and likely a deal breaker...

[OneParadox]

Of course that this almost decade old incident can be a deal breaker for someone who focuses on that. Anything can be a deal breaker when you choose to turn it into the defining point of the relationship. Even the most perfect marriage and family can be undone by focusing on a single historical infraction (no matter how minor). My observation is that people who do focus on infractions tend to go from relationship to relationship looking for perfection yet never finding it... and being constantly disappointed. In a long term relationship you have to be wise picking your fights and be able to let go of things that do not really matter in the big picture.

 

I just find hard to believe that a 13 yr old relationship (and marriage) can be so easily undone by something that happened so long ago, something that does not seem to be affecting anything in the present, and something appears to be unlikely to affect the future.

 

Now, if this guy were a drunk/addict/abuser/etc, my advice would probably be to run for the hills as fast as she can. This situation seems to be far from that.