The end?

[kenziejane]

I am at a loss for what to do anymore.

 

I'm in my late twenties and have been married for three years now. Over the past two years, I've come to realize my husband is a functioning alcoholic. I have no idea how it took me so long to figure out that he doesn't just like to drink a lot, but that he has an addiction. It's definitely gotten much worse over the past two years, to the point where I am considering the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life-- leaving.

 

I don't want to, but the past year has been such a battle with him and I am tired of feeling like this is a normal marriage when I'm not sure it is. For someone who is married, I feel incredibly lonely. These days, it's more like I have a roommate than a husband. We rarely sleep in the same bed anymore, as he stays up late to drink and play online games. More than once, I've caught him up as early as 10am on a Saturday drinking...just this past weekend for instance, after we'd gone out and had some beers with my brother the night before. It's like once he starts, he doesn't know how to stop. I was so annoyed I left in the early evening to see a movie with a friend. Came back and he was still drinking and gaming, barely said hello to me so I just went to bed.

 

He slept pretty much all day Sunday so I just went out by myself to shop, take a walk, whatever. He didn't emerge from the bedroom until almost 9pm, when I was getting ready for bed myself.

 

When I confronted him, he just tried to wave it off. Like he didn't understand why I was so upset by it...and this isn't the first time either! I tried explaining that it just isn't normal to start drinking at 10am on a Saturday, even if you don't have to work. His response was that it was done and over with, so there was no point in talking about it. And that he can't promise he'll never do it again. Generally when I try to have serious conversations with him, he deflects with humor or tries changing the subject. I was pretty blunt last night about how unhappy I was, and how I feel ignored. At that, he did admit that sometimes he puts his drinking and online games before me.

 

It's also caused him to gain a huge amount of weight and I'm worried about his physical health. I know he feels self-conscious about it, but won't work out either. It's definitely had a huge effect on our sex life...I think we've been intimate twice this year.

 

We've only been married three years. I know that's not exactly honeymoon stage anymore, but I don't think we should be having these problems. I don't think I should be this unhappy, and I don't understand how he knows I'm unhappy but still won't do anything.

 

It sucks. I love him, and he's a good person but I feel like he's just stopped trying in life? He wasn't like this a few years ago. I don't know what happened. I often feel like maybe I'm just looking for something that doesn't exist...like a fairytale romance or something I'd never find even if I did leave.

 

I have tried NA, I tried leaving for a few days to see if that would put it in his head that I was serious (as advised by my therapist). And yes, I'm in therapy. He won't come. Refuses. Ends in a fight every single time. Doesn't want to spend money on something he claims won't do anything. So I've just been focusing on me. Two months ago I started a great job that I LOVE. I've been putting more effort into seeing my friends. I've been working out, reading, writing, taking time for me.

 

Sometimes he does try. During the week, he moderates. Or tries to...a 16oz every night instead of a six-pack. Yet it's like once the weekend rolls around, all bets are off. And he's so good at hiding it! Our family and friends adore him. Have no idea he has a drinking problem. Often comment about how lucky I am to be with someone who is so outgoing and fun.

 

I'm afraid to leave. We've been together for so many years. Divorce is a scary word, but how long do I hold on and wait for someone to change who clearly doesn't want to? At least not badly enough to actually do it. I sometimes catch myself daydreaming about what it'd be like to not have worries like this, but at the same time I panic at the idea of being without him because I love him. I hate it.

 

Sorry for the long post. Just feeling extra sad today, I think.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry for the long post. Just feeling extra sad today, I think.

 

I'll just repeat the mantra, already posted many times here.

 

You didn't Cause, you can't Control, you won't Cure. The three C's.

 

If he won't help himself, all you can do is help yourself. To me, that means figuring out how to take back control of your life and understand an emotionally healthy path forward. If you've put up with this for 3 years or longer, your enabling is already part of the problem. With no consequences for his self-destructive actions other than your occasional anger and disapproval, what forces him to change his behavior?

 

If he's going to flush his life down the toilet, you can stick around and watch - or not. At this point, it's not his problem, it's yours, and the simple question is what you're going to do about it.

 

Welcome to Loveshack, tough position to be in. Keep posting, I'm sure you'll get some more good feedback...

 

Mr. Lucky