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Addicted to Incest Porn/Secret Phone


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Old 16th September 2018, 9:37 AM   #1
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Addicted to Incest Porn/Secret Phone

Ok so I'm going to give some backstory here. Me and my husband have been together for 6 years and we have children together, I am also 8 months pregnant with our last. I am younger than him and before our relationship, he had basically been single for 14 years and lived alone, so porn was his thing. Well fast forward to now, I am not ok with it mostly because it's always been lies and he can never just be honest about it. I hadn't caught him since last Feb and last week I came home early and caught him with a cheap phone he bought just to watch this stupid porn, which is "incest" which I obviously find bizarre. "Step mom and Step son and things like that." I am not one to watch porn so I can't really relate. I am mostly hurt by him lying to me and going so far to get a phone. I feel like there is no respect or communication in our marriage. Being a month away from having a kid is not helping cause I am very emotional, I am not really in the mood for sex either cause I'm so big and in a lot of pain. I also feel very insecure because if he put that much effort into our marriage we would be great but he would rather buy a secret phone and plan his porn escapades around me and the kids leaving the house like it's just sad and pathetic to me. I would like men or women's advice, what should I do?
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Old 16th September 2018, 7:53 PM   #2
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The lying and sneaking is bad, and his choice of porn (which I hope at least varies) is obnoxious. A lot of guys watch porn, even after they're married to supplement their sexual desires. Do you have any reason to think he's going to strip bars or anything like that as well?

Have any of your kids ever complained that he was inappropriate or clammed up and refused to speak about him?

Could you tell if the incest porn was using children so that it's really child porn? Or was it more both adults? Because if it appears to have children in it, you really need to make a report to the police and have it on record for when you divorce and take the kids away from him except for supervised visitation. If he has a thing about children or teens, it will usually be for a certain age and once children reach that age, they are in danger.

Plus remember, this is their role model. And remember that kids usually discover things like this.

If you think he was watching something with children in it, even if they were teens, you ought to report to the police and then they can see what all he's been watching and you'll know the depth of the problem.
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Old 16th September 2018, 10:35 PM   #3
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Well, I would hope that your husband isn't looking at child pornography. There is a difference between pornography with underage children and pornography with actors essentially "playing" step father and daughter...

Child pornography is a game changer. If that is what he is watching, you need to get your children out of the home - pronto! They are at risk.

But, if it's "incest porn" between two bad actors that are not actually related... Well, it's perhaps not as pathological and would be considered "in bad taste." Many people fantasize about things that they would never do in real life. Let's hope that's what he is doing...

The fact that he lied to you - well, he knows that you will not like it and he is likely aware that the kind of porn that turns him on would not be considered particularly acceptable. It's not hard to understand why he would lie about it...

The question is - are you able to live with a husband who watches porn or is it a deal breaker to you. Only you can answer that question...
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Old 17th September 2018, 1:11 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by kristinn239 View Post
"Step mom and Step son and things like that."
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Child pornography is a game changer. If that is what he is watching, you need to get your children out of the home - pronto! They are at risk.

But, if it's "incest porn" between two bad actors that are not actually related... Well, it's perhaps not as pathological and would be considered "in bad taste." Many people fantasize about things that they would never do in real life. Let's hope that's what he is doing...
I'd guess it's the latter, no different than "bored housewife and deliveryman" or any of the other cheesy porn plot concepts.

kristinn239, he hides it from you because he finds you to be judgmental about it. Many adults look at porn, but it's obviously an issue if it takes "energy" away from the marriage.

If porn is a dealbreaker for you, marrying a man who used it as "his thing" for 14 years might not have been the best choice. Lots to discuss between the two of you...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 17th September 2018, 5:30 PM   #5
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Hey everyone,

Thank you for your replies. No it is not "child porn" it is a genre which I have seen on mainstream websites such as porn hub, it seems to be a popular thing. I personally do not understand it. If it were something that he watched with a mixture of other things, I really wouldn't be too concerned. But this seems to be the only porn he watches and it is an infatuation that has been going on for years and even before he met me. His excuse will always be along the lines of "You were my first serious relationship, I just got used to masturbation." Which I understand that. But why is it only incest porn? That is what freaks me out. I can deal with the normal raunchy porn, but just seeing the title "father/daughter" when he is a dad and he has a daughter, I just find it disturbing. I have even spoken with counselors and they say there is no correlation that links him to want to do that with his daughter, but it still worries me. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I completely ban the incest porn? Should we try and compromise? But then I feel like if I do then I'm rewarding him for lying and sneaking and I'm about to have a baby, I just feel so betrayed.
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Old 17th September 2018, 5:37 PM   #6
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Hey everyone,

Thank you for your replies. No it is not "child porn" it is a genre which I have seen on mainstream websites such as porn hub, it seems to be a popular thing. I personally do not understand it. If it were something that he watched with a mixture of other things, I really wouldn't be too concerned. But this seems to be the only porn he watches and it is an infatuation that has been going on for years and even before he met me. His excuse will always be along the lines of "You were my first serious relationship, I just got used to masturbation." Which I understand that. But why is it only incest porn? That is what freaks me out. I can deal with the normal raunchy porn, but just seeing the title "father/daughter" when he is a dad and he has a daughter, I just find it disturbing. I have even spoken with counselors and they say there is no correlation that links him to want to do that with his daughter, but it still worries me. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I completely ban the incest porn? Should we try and compromise? But then I feel like if I do then I'm rewarding him for lying and sneaking and I'm about to have a baby, I just feel so betrayed.
You could try to ban incest porn, but I doubt you will be successful. He was doing it long before he met you... It's highly likely that he will just go further underground...

Look, lots of men and women have rape/rough sex fantasies. Does that mean that they want to be raped or be rough with a woman - not necessarily. It's called "a fantasy." Many people have fantasies that they do not act on. The counsellors have told you as much.

I don't get it either, but incest porn does seem to be increadibly popular - judging from the prevalence found online. I would also find it disturbing if my partner was looking at incest porn - but again, you knew that he liked porn when you married him. It's kind of hard to change the rules now.

But, if it bothers you that much or it is distracting him to the point that it is detrimental to your marriage or your family - you have another decision you can make. You have to make the decision - is this the hill that you want to die on?
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Old 17th September 2018, 5:56 PM   #7
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What??? Now they can have phone porn? Are they talking to the girl? Is this a new thing? OP, I'm so sorry for your situation. I don't know what to say right now.
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Old 17th September 2018, 5:58 PM   #8
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I think you’re just going to have to decide what you are okay living with. I highly, highly doubt he is going to change. And I have never heard of someone banning their spouse from looking at porn, or a certain kind of porn, and having it work. I mean it sounds like he has already lied to you about it numerous times, AND he went out and bought a secret phone. And this is what he has been getting off on for 14 years. Why would you trust him to stay away from it? Do you really want to have to check up on him and be a policeman towards him in your own house? Sounds awful.
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Old 17th September 2018, 6:28 PM   #9
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You are all absolutely right.

I just don't know if this is something I will ever be ok with. For now I have to put it on the back burner in order to have a healthy stress free baby a month from now. When I'm fully healed and my hormones are all back to normal "me" then we will go from there. I don't want to break up our family over "porn." But I also don't think it is fair to me to feel uneasy all the time about the type of porn he enjoys. I can't even sleep without thinking he is up sneaking my phone or something to get off to mom and son porn, like that is just sad. There are so many more important things in life than this porn, that is why I dont understand he has known how I felt about it for ever. When I first discovered it we had just moved in together and I was extremely disgusted because at that time I honestly thought what he was watching was illegal, but I discovered it wasn't. Then as our relationship grew I never caught him again and before we got married I told him, if you lie to me once we take this vow I am done. I can't take the lying, if he would just trust me enough to talk to me about this then I could see fixing things, but it's almost like he gets off on hiding it like he is a child.
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Old 17th September 2018, 6:39 PM   #10
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But why is it only incest porn?
OK, I looked at one of these videos, and incest, typically defined as "sexual activity between family members or close relatives, typically includes sexual activity between people in a consanguineous relationship (blood relations)" seems an inflammatory label. The plot (if you can call it that) of the clip was a young stepmom with a stepson nearly her age. Inappropriate, yes. Illegal, no.

kristinn239, porn may indeed be a danger to your marriage, that's up to you to decide. But to present your husband as a menace to his daughter only distracts from your other issues. I hope you find a solution together that works for both of you...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 17th September 2018, 6:41 PM   #11
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Iím so sorry you are dealing with this.

I think youíre right about putting it on the back burner for now. You and your baby are what are most important right now. Try to focus on that and shelve the porn thing for now, knowing that you donít need to decide what to do about it now. I think you know what the situation is you can come back to it later and decide a more long term approach when the time is ready.
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Old 17th September 2018, 7:01 PM   #12
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Thanks Mr.Lucky,

I too have watched a video just to see what all the "hype" was and again I was not aroused and found it to just make me feel kinda of weird. I guess too each their own. But this is the man I am married too and the mere thought of him having this secret and he feels the need to hide it and keep doing it and hiding it and then do it again, I feel like is just so disrespectful. If he wanted me to stop watching porn or a certain type I would have no problem doing so, and if I wanted to watch it that bad I would at least be honest about it after the fact. I guess I feel like if he can lie about something like this does that mean other lies will start to form as we grow, I dont want to end up like my parents divorcing after 25 years, the thought terrifies me.
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Old 17th September 2018, 7:04 PM   #13
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Thanks Veronica for your supporting reply.
I have in the past jumped the gun and made really irrational choices which leads me into more distress and spiraling out of control. I have a lot of inner self-esteem issues and this just makes it so much worse. I just always dreamt of having that perfect marriage of two people so in love and attracted to one another every other person even virtually was not appealing. I guess that is young wishful thinking. I have a lot to think about and if I do decide to end our marriage, starting over scares me as well and being a single mom, but then I think is this the kind of marriage I want my kids to look up to? At this moment, it's not.
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Old 17th September 2018, 7:19 PM   #14
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I heard that Fifty Shades of Grey was a great box office success; it was especially popular among middle aged women. Do you think most of these women desired to be tortured by a sadist? Do you think their husbands would get all hurt and upset that their wives enjoyed watching a younger guy with a nice sexy body?
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Old 17th September 2018, 7:25 PM   #15
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I just always dreamt of having that perfect marriage of two people so in love and attracted to one another every other person even virtually was not appealing. I guess that is young wishful thinking.
With much respect, there is no such thing as "the perfect marriage." And, as much as you may like to think that you husband loves and adores you (which, I'm sure he does) and only has eyes for you, it's not exactly realistic.

You are setting yourself up for some very unhappy and potentially unhealthy relationships in the future if you have high expectations. I'm not saying that lying is acceptable or that excessive porn use would not be a reason to end a marriage... I'm not asking you to tolerate something that you find completely unacceptable. But, really think about whether you plan to end a marriage and raise your children as a single mother because of something that 90% of men (and a high percentage of women) do at some time or another in their lives. Perhaps, there is some room for communication, attempting to understand before passing judgment, and compromise in this situation.

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I have a lot to think about and if I do decide to end our marriage, starting over scares me as well and being a single mom, but then I think is this the kind of marriage I want my kids to look up to? At this moment, it's not.
Again, no marriage is perfect so let's have some realistic expectations here. And your children will stay with your husband if you divorce and co-parent, no doubt he will continue with his porn use so they will be exposed to it at some point...
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