Am I oversensitive? Or my wife too harsh? (sorry for length, I am a details guy)

[BMI03]

Am I oversensitive? Or my wife too harsh? Maybe both?

 

This is a lot of detail for a seemingly small item, but I would appreciate some outside perspective on the macro level using this as an example.

 

My wife admits she has a short temper. Her Latina blood boils at times and she admits that there are two stages to our conversations/debates/fights when things are tense. The stage 1 immediately after an altercation, when she is fired up and unreasonable, and the stage 2 after an hour or so has passed when she is more able to discuss reasonably.

 

Stage 1 isn’t yelling or screaming or anything violent or aggressive in the obvious sense. Often it’s her being mad, unsure why, and misdirecting that anger at me. She gets cold, and snappy, and harsh, and confrontational, then quiet about something small and silly that she makes my fault. I in turn feel unjustly prosecuted for the accusations, or even implied accusations through poor treatment for something I know had no ill intent, and in turn get angry back. My ‘angry’ is usually telling her that her being mad at me is unjustified and then I just get quiet and boil inside. Maybe I have the same two stages, however my stage 1 is all kept internal until I can talk logically about it. My stage 1 is short then, because I often want to hash it out quickly and be done with it. I don’t like the overhanging tension in a situation like that, whereas she needs her time to step away and get to her more reasonable second stage of being upset.

 

So that’s our styles. In practice, it works like this…we meet another volunteer to pick up thing for a charity event. My wife tells me that volunteer bought a bunch of things my wife didn’t expect, and we put them in our vehicle to get them to the event. My wife asks if we have room for another box when we move this stuff in the morning, and I tell her “if we put it in the front with us” as our vehicle is now full. Next day noon comes along and we leave for the charity event. We have another pickup stop to make, which we realize once in our vehicle we can no longer fit in without dropping yesterday’s items off at the charity event first. I comment that the other volunteer “screwed us a bit there” by buying extra and making us take it, and suggest she should be showing up to move things today too. My wife explains that the other volunteer has lots to do today, and that my wife offered to take the stuff. I say ok, and I tell my wife I didn’t think of the vehicle being full, otherwise I would have suggested our leaving earlier.

 

Now, my wife also has the box on her lap which she asked if it would fit the evening prior. So after 2-3 minutes of quiet, she tells me she can’t see the road and is getting car sick. I can tell she’s snappy and pissed. I offer to pull over. She says no, just get there. I offer to sit in the passenger seat and she drive, but again no. I ask if there is anything I can do. Again, no. She doesn’t want the problem solved, and I can tell she just wants to be mad at me. I ask if she’s mad at me about that. She says “yes, because it was your idea to put it up here.”. I tell her “no, you asked me if it fit and I said only if in the front with us. I didn’t suggest anything. That’s not fair to be mad at me for that.”. We get to the location, she tells me she should drive me and the kids home “…so that you don’t have to be bothered by any unplanned events (ie the extra stop)”. She has taken my comment against the other volunteer, as a comment against her and is angry at me for it.

 

So, from her side, she is pissed off that she wanted to come out and enjoy a family day preparing for this volunteer event, and (from her perspective) I am ridiculing her for a poorly planned approach to the day. From my side, I made a critical comment about a third party, with the (now understood to be inaccurate) information I had that she had obliged us to do something which my wife in fact offered to do, unknown to me at the time; and I made a critical comment of myself that I didn’t think of the extra stop (which my wife took to mean she should have thought of it too, or more accurately she feels I was saying that about her through saying it about myself).

 

So we drive all the way home, and once within 100 yards of home, she changes her mind and says sorry, let’s go back. I say sorry she took my comments that way. We go about our day. At this time, her mind puts the drama behind her. It’s a one-and-done instance of an altercation and resolution. For me, it’s another data point on a buildup of my feeling unjustly criticized over and over. For me, her animosity from that moment sits with me for much longer and I build a resentment inside at feeling that her treatment of me and the situation was uncalled for.

 

I may be wrong, or perhaps this is subjective, but I see four categories of things that make her mad which I could take crap from her about:

1. Something completely separate from me which is bothering her personally (i.e. argument with a friend, her job, etc.)

2. Something related to me, but outside my control (i.e. my work schedule, a work trip, family obligation)

3. Something I have done wrong, or which hurt her, but without any poor intention (i.e. looking for baby’s pacifier in a room by room sequence different to how she would have looked while baby is crying; answering her suggestion that we go on a trip with saying we will need to look at our finances)

4. Something I did that was purposefully mean (i.e. I hope that I don’t have examples of this category)

 

In my opinion, I don’t deserve to take hell for number 1 at all. For number 2, we are in it together, so an impact to one of us is an input to both, so I want to be in it with her on those, not taking hell from her on them. For number 3, I try to explain why I did what I did or said what I said, because I really thought in the time it was appropriate, but that I am sorry she disagrees or was hurt by it…her interpretation was not my intention. My hope is that some initial reaction to her on these number 3s would be pacified once she understands the intent. For number 4, she should totally be mad and upset at me, fair. Again, I hope I don’t have many of these.

 

The problem is, I feel like I take hell from her for all 4. Number 1 she comes around on; number 2 she gets after a little more time or after I frame it that ‘we’ have a decision to make. Number 3 is where the problem is. That’s where she feels justified to be harsh to me, and where I feel unjustly persecuted. It can make a good day turn bad with the flick of a switch.

 

Any insight or thoughts into this would be appreciated.

Edited September 14, 2018 by BMI03

[pepperbird]

This is one of those situations where it would be really helpful to hear her side of the story. That way, one could get her take on the arguments and why they happen.

 

 

My bets advice would be for you to talk to your wife. Find a neutral place and time, and let her know how much this is troubling you.

Edited September 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I oversensitive?

 

Yes.

 

You knew this characteristic of her personality when you married her. Tough to complain - or make yourself unhappy - now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shydad]

the stage 2 after an hour or so has passed when she is more able to discuss reasonably.

she changes her mind and says sorry, let’s go back.

Great post, great detail. You both sound like reasonable people to me. Emotions happen. The two quotes above I identified as positive elements of what you shared. Unless I have overlooked it, the critical detail which you did not include, though, is how frequently this happens. Frequency will determine what next steps should be, if any.

[BMI03]

This is one of those situations where it would be really helpful to hear her side of the story. That way, one could get her take on the arguments and why they happen.

 

 

My bets advice would be for you to talk to your wife. Find a neutral place and time, and let her know how much this is troubling you.

 

Thanks. I had told her a number of times that it really bothers me to take heat from her when she discovers later she was just mad at something else. Recently she called me out for being more distant than normal. I realized she was right, and realized that I was growing tired of being on the receiving end of her misdirected anger and so was protecting myself without realizing it by just engaging less, saying less. I told her that I think I had gotten tired of it. She told me I need to communicate more when something is bothering me. She was devastated, that I could be so hurt and be so quiet about it. She was fearful that she could let our relationship fall apart by breaking me without ever having the early warning to realize what she was doing. I told her that I was shocked she was shocked because we had talked about this at least four times. She said she thought each talk was then resolved and done with. I told her when it happenes again, it builds up, but that I will make effort to share more when I am feeling she is doing it.

 

In this case her side would be that she was feeling attacked that I was upset we had to do some extra stops and I was critical of the poor planning.

[BMI03]

Yes.

 

You knew this characteristic of her personality when you married her. Tough to complain - or make yourself unhappy - now...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thanks Mr. Lucky for the reply.

 

I’m not sure I’m really understanding if your answer to whether I am over sensitive is ‘yes’, or ‘no, but...’. I really am looking to understand this nuance. If it’s ‘yes’ then that’s good info, and I need to work on understanding certain things to fix it. If it’s ‘no, but you can’t complain now’, that’s a different set of criteria to approach. There is ever evolving relationships that change things...frequency of episodes, compiling resentment, etc. I don’t agree that ‘speak now, or never’ is a good strategy to finding the best resolution.

[BMI03]

Great post, great detail. You both sound like reasonable people to me. Emotions happen. The two quotes above I identified as positive elements of what you shared. Unless I have overlooked it, the critical detail which you did not include, though, is how frequently this happens. Frequency will determine what next steps should be, if any.

 

 

 

Thank you. I know it’s a lot to read, but I would rather get 2-3 well informed opinions from those who were kind enough to read it, than dozens of opinions of a situation not fully articulated.

 

In the past, it was frequent, but not heavy in terms of the fights. Then it was less frequent overall. Recently, over the last 2-3 months it has been more frequent and with heavier conflicts. This started about a month after our son was born.

[BMI03]

So, fresh example from last night

 

We spent Friday looking for a new dinner dish online. We found that cooking something new together over a glass of wine was a fun thing to do when we first started dating. We went to the grocery store and got all we needed.

 

We started cooking together, poured some wine. She got fancied up in something sexy. We were having fun. A new appy in the oven, and the steps in place for the dinner. Some cuddling on the cluch with the win in the mean time.

 

We decorated the table, lit some candles and started into the appt. very enjoyable. Good dinner talk. She seemed a little distracted, but that’s been normal as of late...with a four month old sleeping on the couch behind us her mind is always a little split.

 

Her father called her today. She has a absent relationship with him. He wasn’t there through her upbringing and lives far away now. He calls when he is drunk. She laughed and seemed to enjoy the call but rolls her eyes at him too. I ask some questions at dinner...we have spoken about him and their relationship many times before. I asked how it felt hearing from him (it happens every 6 months or so but second time since baby was born). I tell her she was laughing and looked like she enjoyed the call. She said she was laughing at him being drunk. He offered some things but she knows better than to believe what he offers when he’s drinking. Then she says “it’s strange not knowing someone but their dna being part of you.”. I sense this is a potentially emotional thought for her and I say “you end up making those genes your own.”. She doesn’t elaborate further and eats silently. Then she says “I guess it’s hard to explain.” . Some silent time goes by and I ask what she’s thinking. She tells me “I’m trying to open up about something and you shut it down. You don’t know how it feels.”. I say I’m sorry, that I wasn’t meaning to sound dismissive. I meant only to participate in the conversation in a reassuring way. I explain that when she said that, it generated thoughts of my grandfather who I never met, and made me think about how he is a part of me, and all the people before him and that it gave me an interesting thought that all this history of dna lands in your lap that you may not know all about, but then you own it and pass it on to our son over there on the couch, so I just meant to add to the conversation with my comment, not take away from it. She tells me she felt I shut the conversation off with my comment.

 

She then says the appt is filling. I say me too. We both imply that we will not bother with the nice dinner we had planned because we are full. She asks if we want to move to the couch. I say yes. I run to the washroom and she sits down. When I come out, she says she’s taking baby upstairs. I say ok, thinking she is coming back down. She gives some direction on things I should bring up that make me realize she’s going to bed. I say oh, ok. I’ll stay and clean up. I clean up for 30 min and go to bed. We don’t talk much in bed other than goodnight.

 

I feel like she is finding reasons to be upset at me. I try to be so careful in what I say and do lately that I am walking on eggshells. She seems to find an interpretation to my comments that they are mean, dismissive, critical, or that my actions are dumb (not right?), poorly timed, wrong sequence. Etc. it just seems I can’t put too data back to back where I am not at odds with her and then I close off. I am so weary of making a mistake that I disengage. Or I try speak so carefull with her that she gets upset that I can’t talk to my wife without all the careful stepping. It can’t be both.

 

I don’t know. She asked in bed if I want to talk over coffee and cookies. Will get up now to see what it leads to.

 

Thanks for the ear everyone.

[MidwestUSA]

Has she always been this way, or is it worse since pregnancy and resulting baby?

 

Having a baby is a big life changer (haven't had one myself, but witnessed it, of course). Someone who's edgy and volatile is likely to become more so with the added responsibility.

 

My H is the sensitive one in the house. My way to diffuse him is thru humor, or to take whatever it is he's bothered about, and take it to a whole new level of drama, so he can see just how ridiculous he sounds. Doesn't sound like that would work for you, but I wish you the best.

 

Could you have gone up, sat and talked with her till she went to sleep, then gone back down and cleaned up? Some things can wait. When she said you shut her down, you came back with a story about your grandfather. She had probably tuned you out at that point. I'm not saying she's right, but 'I guess it's hard to explain' was an opening to let her talk, or try to get her to talk.

 

Example, I'm getting my knee replaced in a month, and was expressing concerns to my H. He turned it into a story about his brother, who had a knee done a year ago. And another brother, who had something else done. I wanted to scream 'this isn't about THEM'! But what I did was just stop talking completely. Sound familiar? And I know I should have let him know how I felt, but hey, I'm a woman.

 

I don't see anything here that can't be solved by a little more talking between the two of you. Good luck!

[preraph]

She sounds a bit unreasonable. There shouldn't have been any tension on her part for having to hold the box on her lap there. She shouldn't have been mad at you because this was simply a case of a third party did something unexpected. So no one should be mad at anyone and both of you should just deal with it. You didn't need to say the person who dropped off the box ought to have taken it. No one knew this was going to be a problem. You should have sucked it up and made two loads or tied it down with your trunk open or whatever to get everything in. It shouldn't have caused more than mutual annoyance that shouldn't have been directed at each other.

 

This is a good example of why on here when someone is rushing commitment or marriage with a person they haven't been with that long, I always say "You need to be with them long enough to see how they act when something bad happens so you know their temperament." Some people get explosive over crap like this, and you don't want to marry that.

 

Marital counseling might help you both change and stop blaming each other.

[BMI03]

Has she always been this way, or is it worse since pregnancy and resulting baby?

 

Having a baby is a big life changer (haven't had one myself, but witnessed it, of course). Someone who's edgy and volatile is likely to become more so with the added responsibility.

 

My H is the sensitive one in the house. My way to diffuse him is thru humor, or to take whatever it is he's bothered about, and take it to a whole new level of drama, so he can see just how ridiculous he sounds. Doesn't sound like that would work for you, but I wish you the best.

 

Could you have gone up, sat and talked with her till she went to sleep, then gone back down and cleaned up? Some things can wait. When she said you shut her down, you came back with a story about your grandfather. She had probably tuned you out at that point. I'm not saying she's right, but 'I guess it's hard to explain' was an opening to let her talk, or try to get her to talk.

 

Example, I'm getting my knee replaced in a month, and was expressing concerns to my H. He turned it into a story about his brother, who had a knee done a year ago. And another brother, who had something else done. I wanted to scream 'this isn't about THEM'! But what I did was just stop talking completely. Sound familiar? And I know I should have let him know how I felt, but hey, I'm a woman.

 

I don't see anything here that can't be solved by a little more talking between the two of you. Good luck!

 

Good insight, thank you.

 

And yes, it does sound familiar.

 

This morning we talked a bit more about it. She shared that she was intending on sharing about how she was feeling about her father, in a deeper level than perhaps prior because she has been feeling some new feelings about it since baby came along. When I made my comment, she said she shut down. She said she was sorry she did and she isn't sure why she shuts right off in those instances. So, she had this plan on what she wanted to get into, but from my perspective we were in a conversation. Her comment "it's strange not knowing someone but having their DNA in you" was still part of the back and forth we were having in our conversation...I didn't pick up on the trigger to stop and let her just flow with it. So she thinks I jump in too quickly to try and make her feel better or try to make supportive comments. She understands that they are meant to be just that, but I guess if she has a plan in her head already and has the next 5-6 sentences already mapped out in her head, then it's derailing if I keep it as a two-way conversation. I don't know...I get it, but I am still very confused because I don't think I could have known that this was a time to shut up and let her talk alone.

 

I also shared that I feel like I have been in a bit of a minefield lately. Like I can't take too many steps in any direction without getting blown up. If I am too careful, I get blown up. And if I just stand still and don't act, I am distant. She agreed she doesn't want me to feel that way.

 

We went back to clean up some things after the volunteer event. It was meant to be a simple move of items from 'A' to 'B'. She decided as we went that she wanted to open a bunch of boxes and inventory them. At one point she asked where I put something, I told her, she asked about it going somewhere else and I said it's already loaded here and this cart could do what she had in mind.

 

After that point I felt the same underlying tension building. I asked her about 20 min later how she was feeling. She said 'good'. She asked me how I was feeling. I told her that what I am feeling now doesn't always lead to a fight, but that I definitely feel the same early seeds that I feel those other times, and I am on edge. I wanted to be honest with her.

 

We talked. She knows I am a heads down get the job done kind of guy. She knows that stopping to open and inventory every box wasn't in the original plan, and that I had work to do at home tonight. She realized in our talk that in her mind, she went from being concerned that I may be angry about that change; to being frustrated with herself that she was letting herself feel bad about whether I was ok with it or not; to being mad at me because 'why should she have to feel bad about doing a good volunteer thing'; to being angry at me inside and dismissive to my trying to make conversation. All in about 20 minutes without me being a part of any of it. In fact, I had made a point to say out loud that it was a good idea to do this inventory so she would not have to next year.

 

So she realized in the moment that all of this happens internally, and that she goes from the point where she could simply say "sorry, I know this isn't what we originally planned", to being angry at me for some emotion she thinks I may have that I never even had.

 

It was a wake up call for her. I told her I asked how she was feeling because I think we need to discuss these moments now in their early base stages, otherwise this is the kind of thing that would have her flipping out a day later at me for putting a fork down wrong or something silly.

 

So, progress. And yes, these has increased significantly since the baby.

[shydad]

You learned that when she wanted to open up to you, she wanted you to listen and not dialog. If you are able to sense this again, you should focus on listening, and nothing else. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault. Now that you have a better understanding, you are better prepared for next time.

 

Understanding can lead to patience. The baby is related. Hormones are elevated. Sleep will be reduced. Tension will be elevated. If you both understand this, you can better handle problems as they happen (I do think you're doing a good job, BTW). The best way to understand these problems, IMO, is by having the problems delved into by a marriage counselor, as preraph suggested. Given that you and your wife seem like reasonable people, I am confident it will be beneficial. Seriously, don't dismiss this. If you value your marriage (which obviously you do), this is important. You will receive professional guidance from someone trained to do this. I've done it. It was great!

 

Oh, and lastly, having family who can babysit can be extraordinarily helpful. It would be good for you and your wife to be able to take a break once in awhile...go out to dinner, see a movie, etc. I'm not sure if you have family around, but if so, I'd take full advantage of babysitting opportunities.

[anika99]

I can see where both you and your wife are coming from. On the matter of her being angry at you for things that are not your fault. That good be post partum hormones, could be exhaustion, could be that she has some of her own simmering resentment at you but she doesn't know how to articulate her feelings so her annoyance comes out over seemingly insignificant things. We can't know without hearing her side, but I don't think you are being over sensitive. Nobody likes to blamed or have hours of their day ruined for things that are not their fault.

 

On the matter of her wanting to talk about her father and feeling dismissed I totally get where she was coming from. When she said it felt strange to have the DNA of a stranger she was clearly wanting to talk about that feeling. When you said "you make those genes your own" it probably came across as "there! I fixed that feeling for ya, now we can move on" as your statement gave her no room to continue on that topic. It didn't require any feedback or input from her. I would call it a closing statement when what she was looking for was more probing and more interest from you in how she feels. When she said it felt strange you could have said "how so"? Or "what do you mean"? And encouraged her to open her heart and mind to you. Don't you want to know about your wife's thoughts and feelings? She shared a feeling with you and you showed zero interest.

 

In any case, I don't think either of you are wrong in how you each feel. Perhaps you are both a tad too sensitive. There is going to be friction and misunderstandings in any marriage and you just have to navigate those situations to the best of your ability. Disagreements can be learning and growing opportunities provided both people are open to hearing each other out. Simmering resentment is poison to a relationship though so if that is a problem then maybe just a few sessions with a marriage counsellor would be helpful. Sounds like you two love each other but just need to make some minor adjustments in how you communicate.

[anika99]

Good insight, thank you.

 

And yes, it does sound familiar.

 

This morning we talked a bit more about it. She shared that she was intending on sharing about how she was feeling about her father, in a deeper level than perhaps prior because she has been feeling some new feelings about it since baby came along. When I made my comment, she said she shut down. She said she was sorry she did and she isn't sure why she shuts right off in those instances. So, she had this plan on what she wanted to get into, but from my perspective we were in a conversation. Her comment "it's strange not knowing someone but having their DNA in you" was still part of the back and forth we were having in our conversation...I didn't pick up on the trigger to stop and let her just flow with it. So she thinks I jump in too quickly to try and make her feel better or try to make supportive comments. She understands that they are meant to be just that, but I guess if she has a plan in her head already and has the next 5-6 sentences already mapped out in her head, then it's derailing if I keep it as a two-way conversation. I don't know...I get it, but I am still very confused because I don't think I could have known that this was a time to shut up and let her talk alone.

 

I also shared that I feel like I have been in a bit of a minefield lately. Like I can't take too many steps in any direction without getting blown up. If I am too careful, I get blown up. And if I just stand still and don't act, I am distant. She agreed she doesn't want me to feel that way.

 

We went back to clean up some things after the volunteer event. It was meant to be a simple move of items from 'A' to 'B'. She decided as we went that she wanted to open a bunch of boxes and inventory them. At one point she asked where I put something, I told her, she asked about it going somewhere else and I said it's already loaded here and this cart could do what she had in mind.

 

After that point I felt the same underlying tension building. I asked her about 20 min later how she was feeling. She said 'good'. She asked me how I was feeling. I told her that what I am feeling now doesn't always lead to a fight, but that I definitely feel the same early seeds that I feel those other times, and I am on edge. I wanted to be honest with her.

 

We talked. She knows I am a heads down get the job done kind of guy. She knows that stopping to open and inventory every box wasn't in the original plan, and that I had work to do at home tonight. She realized in our talk that in her mind, she went from being concerned that I may be angry about that change; to being frustrated with herself that she was letting herself feel bad about whether I was ok with it or not; to being mad at me because 'why should she have to feel bad about doing a good volunteer thing'; to being angry at me inside and dismissive to my trying to make conversation. All in about 20 minutes without me being a part of any of it. In fact, I had made a point to say out loud that it was a good idea to do this inventory so she would not have to next year.

 

So she realized in the moment that all of this happens internally, and that she goes from the point where she could simply say "sorry, I know this isn't what we originally planned", to being angry at me for some emotion she thinks I may have that I never even had.

 

It was a wake up call for her. I told her I asked how she was feeling because I think we need to discuss these moments now in their early base stages, otherwise this is the kind of thing that would have her flipping out a day later at me for putting a fork down wrong or something silly.

 

So, progress. And yes, these has increased significantly since the baby.

 

Yes that does sound like progress and it's excellent that your wife got this insight to how her feelings build based on false assumptions. I used to make false assumptions too and I know how that can get a person off track.

 

As a matter of fact there is this book I read called The Four Agreements and one of the agreements was Never Make Assumptions because when we start thinking that we can be in someone else's head and know what somebody else is thinking and feeling then all kinds of misunderstandings and hurt feelings can result. It's awesome that you and your wife are talking and learning.

[BMI03]

I am starting to think that there is more going on here medically. She has a history of depression and is on a one a day pill for it. Also has anxiety (one panic attack since baby was born). We were both pretty open about discussing the potential of postpartum depression. Both watching for the typical signs because we knew there was a better than normal chance of t. But her mood aside from these moments I mention has been pretty good. Typical new mom worries and moments but nothing I saw (or she saw) as unjustified hopelessness or depressive states.

 

However, today I searched ‘postpartum anger’ randomly. After some reading I was surprised to see there were several articles around the lesser described state of post part in depression that manifests as anger...’postpartum rage’. The arrival made sense in a lot of ways to me. It’s less spoke about because, as the article states it, society is now getting use to the idea of postpartum depression and the image of a sad mother. The image of an angry mother is a bit harder for people to envision and sympathize with.

 

Anyway, I am thinking of texting my wife the link to the article so she can read it. Like I said, we talk about her depression hire openly and she isn’t shy about being real about it’s implications in our relationship....typically. However in this case, suggesting her rage is due to something irrational may alone trigger another fight given it may suggest to her I think her opinions on the subjects of disagreement are invalid. This will require some very careful stepping I am afraid.

 

Suggestions?

[shydad]

Suggestions?

I'm not quite sure what there is to suggest. If she's open to talking about the anger, then you should talk about it. Only you know if that's going to be a trigger point or not, though. Most problems are due to lack of or poor communication, so if you have an opportunity to discuss, that is pretty awesome.

[BMI03]

So here we are back at it. Had an awesome evening yesterday. She spent most of the day in bed with baby. Offered to take baby out but she thought he was tired and she was too, so after my daughter and I being up for a few hours, she got up and joined us for breakfast around 1pm. Up an hour then back to bed she went with baby.

 

She got up by evening around 6pm and we had a fun tight dancing in the living room with the kids and being silly. I only mention the times in bed because I am getting more concerned about post part I’m depression.

 

After a great night, 2am, we are thinking about going to sleep. I ask “So what should our plan be for tomorrow?”. We had initially planned on a museum and thanksgiving dinner, but since she had spent all day in bed yesterday we didn’t go out to buy food to cook together, nor addressed what our plan was now. We also wanted to get Halloween costumes done this weekend, which was the item on my mind having forgotten the thanksgiving dinner gap. She says “do you want to do the museum tomorrow?”. I ask what time it is and she says from 1 - 5 or something like that. I say “maybe we can get out to see Halloween costumes too.”. We talk that through a bit, asking where I had in mind, what we wanted to be, whether we had another weekend or not to get it done. We decide to leave it for this weekend.

 

Then she mentions we have the thanksgiving stuff to figure out too. She mentioned it’s really a meal for her and I, since Kids wouldn’t really eat it. She says it may seem like a lot to do for just us. I tell her that what is important to me is being around the people I am thankful for, and that we can just leave it and have a normal dinner. She tells me that she never celebrated it Growing up so no issue to her not doing it but if I said I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas she would give me ****, so understands if I just want to do it and so say it if I did. I tell her no, I don’t want to do it if i creates stress. She says so what we do tomorrow. I say we do the museum. She says and we will just do a normal dinner. I say ok.

 

I wait a couple min and ask if she is upset about my questions about the Halloween costumes because she seems cold and abrupt. She says she’s annoyed but doesn’t know why. She says she could see it in my reaction that I want a thanksgiving. She says we should go to bed. I follow her up. I tell her that I think her mind was moving 10km down the road and getting upset about feelings she thinks I have before even determining if I had them. That if she thinks I’m upset about thanksgiving dinner, I am not. That I had not even thought about that when I asked about plans for tomorrow because I asked it because I was thinking about the Halloween outfits and potential to fit that in. She tells me that the day involves thanksgiving so she’s not being dramatic or moving too far forward. I tell her that’s fair but that’s not why I asked and I am ok if we don’t have thanksgiving dinner. I don’t understand why my question or any of this has led to an argument. I tell her I said she is getting ahead of herself because she thinks I am pressuring her when thanksgiving dinner wasn’t even in my mind. I tell her that no one is pressuring her to do anything but herself. She tells me not to touch her. I ask why. She says because she is tense.

 

She says she doesn’t want to talk about it and we can talk in the morning. I say ok. She says we can leave the museum alone and do the Halloween stuff and I can decide what I want to eat. I tell her that I think we talked about Halloween costumes waiting and landed on a plan that made sense and not to do it tomorrow and that we didn’t need to do the meal. I tell her let’s talk about it in the morning because if she is going to try and decide now after shggesting we talk in the morning, I have additional questions, and I don’t think it’s time for those right now so let’s wait until morning. She says ok.

 

I tell her that I am sorry. It wasn’t my intent to upset her or make her feel any pressure. She gives a sarcastic remark about it being all her drama. I tell her I meant that comment seriously to apologize. She says something I don’t hear correctly but sounds like “I told you we shouldn’t talk about these things before we go to bed”. I ask if she could repeat, because I am baffled as to how asking her about how we want to spend our day tomorrow is a topic we need to avoid before bed. I am not sure if I heard her right, but she will not repeat, so I don’t ask again. She has a rule to not talk about important stuff while she is still in bed in the morning. So I don’t know what she’s talking about. I don’t feel welcome in my own bed. I am frustrated, disappointed, sad. So I leave the room.

[BMI03]

Not sure there was a question there....just needed to vent.

 

I am absolutely beside myself lost in trying to understand how a question about how we want to plan our day tomorrow led to an upset wife and another day of her spending it all so far in bed not interacting.

[BaileyB]

I think you are right to be concerned about post partum depression. I will admit, I haven't read the rest of your thread and will do so now. But, it's not normal for a woman to spend the full day in bed with her child. That would be very concerning to me.

 

As for the upset, I see nothing wrong with your conversation. You agreed that the important thing was to spend the day together as a family, and you graciously agreed to forego thanksgiving dinner because it's a lot of work and your family doesn't need that stress today. It's a decision that we have made in my family sometimes, it seems very reasonable to me.

 

I would be very unhappy about her response. it must be very difficult to have to walk on eggs shells all the time in your own home, with your own wife.

[BMI03]

I think you are right to be concerned about post partum depression. I will admit, I haven't read the rest of your thread and will do so now. But, it's not normal for a woman to spend the full day in bed with her child. That would be very concerning to me.

 

As for the upset, I see nothing wrong with your conversation. You agreed that the important thing was to spend the day together as a family, and you graciously agreed to forego thanksgiving dinner because it's a lot of work and your family doesn't need that stress today. It's a decision that we have made in my family sometimes, it seems very reasonable to me.

 

I would be very unhappy about her response. it must be very difficult to have to walk on eggs shells all the time in your own home, with your own wife.

 

Thanks, I know it’s long, sorry. Is a bit of self therapy in helping me think the situation through as well when I type it out in detail.

 

And yes. I told her the last time we talked that I feel like I am standing in the middle of a minefield and I don’t know which step is going to get my leg blown off. So I ether hit one, set it off, and end up upset myself too; or I stand still not going anywhere because I don’t want to hit one. I disengage and get distant. It’s not safe for me to be normal around her right now.

[MidwestUSA]

Not sure there was a question there....just needed to vent.

 

I am absolutely beside myself lost in trying to understand how a question about how we want to plan our day tomorrow led to an upset wife and another day of her spending it all so far in bed not interacting.

 

Just throwing this out there, but I'll compare to my sitch again.

 

Had my H said 'don't touch me' and gave tension as the reason, I've learned that what he really wants is quiet (stop taking about the plans, etc.) but with cuddling and reassurance once we're in bed. It's part of the push/pull dynamic of BPD (borderline personality disorder), and he reverts to a childlike state of neediness. He'd have been irate had I left the bed.

 

I'm not diagnosing your wife, but everyone has some characteristics of certain personality disorders. Reading their signals is a trying task, and it's often damned if you do, damned if you don't. Trying to figure it out will make you question your own sanity. Soon you'll be the one feeling like you need mental help.

 

Familiar?

[MidwestUSA]

And yes. I told her the last time we talked that I feel like I am standing in the middle of a minefield and I don’t know which step is going to get my leg blown off. So I ether hit one, set it off, and end up upset myself too; or I stand still not going anywhere because I don’t want to hit one. I disengage and get distant. It’s not safe for me to be normal around her right now.

 

This is how I'm living right now; I feel for you. Sadly, I'll bet telling her this made absolutely no impression on her - she's that far into her own thoughts. Am I right?

[BMI03]

Just throwing this out there, but I'll compare to my sitch again.

 

Had my H said 'don't touch me' and gave tension as the reason, I've learned that what he really wants is quiet (stop taking about the plans, etc.) but with cuddling and reassurance once we're in bed. It's part of the push/pull dynamic of BPD (borderline personality disorder), and he reverts to a childlike state of neediness. He'd have been irate had I left the bed.

 

I'm not diagnosing your wife, but everyone has some characteristics of certain personality disorders. Reading their signals is a trying task, and it's often damned if you do, damned if you don't. Trying to figure it out will make you question your own sanity. Soon you'll be the one feeling like you need mental help.

 

Familiar?

 

Ya, typically after some time she comes over, snuggles, and says sorry. Last night it was while in bed I tried to spoon her when she said not to touch her. Afternoon now and she still has not come downstairs.

 

She is a family physician herself and pretty open about her own depression and anxiety disorders. She was pretty open to observing for postpartum depression which she knew was a possibility. But she is also not showing the common sadness elements regarding hopelessness, lack of connection with baby, etc. I just see this back and forth between all things good, and then snapping into my being the bad guy at the flick of a switch.

[BMI03]

This is how I'm living right now; I feel for you. Sadly, I'll bet telling her this made absolutely no impression on her - she's that far into her own thoughts. Am I right?

 

She seems moved by the sharing in the moment...tears, apologies, etc. but fast forward a day or two and it’s the same thing all over again, just a new topic or reason

[MidwestUSA]

Ya, typically after some time she comes over, snuggles, and says sorry. Last night it was while in bed I tried to spoon her when she said not to touch her. Afternoon now and she still has not come downstairs.

 

She is a family physician herself and pretty open about her own depression and anxiety disorders. She was pretty open to observing for postpartum depression which she knew was a possibility. But she is also not showing the common sadness elements regarding hopelessness, lack of connection with baby, etc. I just see this back and forth between all things good, and then snapping into my being the bad guy at the flick of a switch.

 

 

Wow, she's a physician? That's impressive.

 

Your last sentence - I believe it's called black/white thinking. All or nothing. Good or bad. No in betweens.

 

A lot of comorbid conditions exist among the personality disorders. Anxiety and depression can coexist with BPD. I suggest you look for a poster here named Downtown. He'll have a long list of other indicators that you can browse through.

 

It could be that a latent disorder has been triggered to full blown by recent changes in her life. The incidents you describe - the extra box, deciding what to do today, all things other people take in stride - life shouldn't be this difficult! It really shouldn't. I'll keep you in my thoughts as I try to learn to deal with some of it myself.