wife threatening divorce

[kp96]

Hello -

 

Please help.

 

My wife is extremely angry at me and has been for the last 3 days. She wants to move out and get a divorce. We have an 8 month old infant.

 

To make a long story short, she has many unresolved issues with me that I thought were resolved. There was a misunderstanding that triggered her anger, and now she is raging at me.

 

She made a laundry list of reasons I am a bad person, each of which we had either discussed before or I had apologized for already. When she ranted at me, I kept calm but could not respond because many of the things were just flat out not reality. They were untrue. She is accusing me of things that I know for a fact that I didn't do.

 

I tried to calmly talk to her and explain my perspective, but she is so angry that anything I say, she will either come up with some out of left field counter, or completely dismiss if it is clear as day that it is a good point. I could say "1 plus 1 is 2" and she will say "I don't care, that doesn't matter".

 

I have told her repeatedly that I love her and that any issue we have, we should discuss and resolve. She is so angry now that this is impossible.

 

I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I assume many people have gone through this type of thing. What is the best course of action? Do I wait it out and then hope that she gets to a better frame of mind? Do I do some sort of grand romantic gesture, or will that just put in her mind that she was right all along? Do I stand firm and see if she will actually go through with a divorce, which would harm our child?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[DKT3]

Oh man, I hate these confused posts when one spouse has no real idea what's going on. Its difficult because its was a difficult place for me to be in.

 

Bad news....its most likely your wife is having an affair. Affairs create this need for the cheating spouse to rewrite the history of the marriage, and usually do so in absolutes. Saying things like You always, or you never. On a lesser possibility, she could be postpartum..its unlikely because it's kinda late for her to start that.

 

What you should do now, is your best to keep the peace, open your eyes and keep your mouth shut. Take note of other changes for her, such as different or more childcare, different dress or more attention to appearance. Missing blocks of time, extend errands and of course her spending , most importantly phone use and attention to her phone.

[kp96]

Oh man, I hate these confused posts when one spouse has no real idea what's going on. Its difficult because its was a difficult place for me to be in.

 

Bad news....its most likely your wife is having an affair. Affairs create this need for the cheating spouse to rewrite the history of the marriage, and usually do so in absolutes. Saying things like You always, or you never. On a lesser possibility, she could be postpartum..its unlikely because it's kinda late for her to start that.

 

What you should do now, is your best to keep the peace, open your eyes and keep your mouth shut. Take note of other changes for her, such as different or more childcare, different dress or more attention to appearance. Missing blocks of time, extend errands and of course her spending , most importantly phone use and attention to her phone.

 

Thank you for the reply and I appreciate you taking the time to read, but this isn't the case. I am with her basically every minute she is not at work, so unless she is having sex at work, this is not happening. Not worried about this but I can understand the speculation. It is more of a "how do I get her to a place where she is no longer raging at me" type of question.

[Poutrew]

Sorry, OP. But I tend to agree with the above post. Your wife is in the throes of an affair. She needs to turn you into the devil in order to assuage her guilt. She needs to 'justify' the way she is treating you, her husband. Also, it is a way to save herself for the other man - by not having sex with you. Hate to say it, but are you absolutely sure the child is yours? D is on the horizon, only thing you can control is how it will happen. Sometimes, the reality of the impending divorce will wake them up when they realize how much they stand to loose, but nothing else will. But, either way, how do you feel about living with an unfaithful partner...? For most it would be a deal breaker. Sorry this is happening to you...

 

Edited this to add: Workplace affairs are the most common kinds. As long as there is a broom closet, or time off for lunch, stuff can happen...

Edited September 6, 2018 by Poutrew

[Art_Critic]

Unless you can get her to speak to you on a level playing field nothing will change.

 

My wife had PP Depression after our Son was born and it lasted about a year or so after the diagnoses, she was also grieving the death of her Mother which happened about 4 months before he was born so she had it coming from all directions.

 

She exhibited depression symptoms and no anger so I'm not sure what is up with your wife.

 

Has she been depressed ?

[DKT3]

Thank you for the reply and I appreciate you taking the time to read, but this isn't the case. I am with her basically every minute she is not at work, so unless she is having sex at work, this is not happening. Not worried about this but I can understand the speculation. It is more of a "how do I get her to a place where she is no longer raging at me" type of question.

 

Yeah, I remember thinking that as well.

 

Unless you're not giving us an accurate description, the affair thing is likely. It's not to say its sexual yet and they are running off to motels. Could be a work place emotionally charged thing at this point. All I'm saying is she is working out of the cheaters handbook at this point. Just be more attentive to her actions.

[kp96]

Unless you can get her to speak to you on a level playing field nothing will change.

 

My wife had PP Depression after our Son was born and it lasted about a year or so after the diagnoses, she was also grieving the death of her Mother which happened about 4 months before he was born so she had it coming from all directions.

 

She exhibited depression symptoms and no anger so I'm not sure what is up with your wife.

 

Has she been depressed ?

 

She hasn't been depressed except maybe post partum, but that was gone a long time ago. She is normally a happy person. It's just that when she gets angry, it is out of control. There was one time she wanted me to help her with an email to her boss and I was tied up with something and I dismissed her and asked her to do it on her own (I mean really, who needs help with an email to her boss?). Well, about 10 minutes after that she wanted us to drive to town hall and get a divorce. This is what I am dealing with.

 

When she is mad, all logic goes out the window and it is impossible to get her to see that the issue is small and just part of regular marriage. So trying to talk calmly to her just doesn't work. When she is mad, she has no desire to repair and heal. She wants to leave.

 

She is an only child and her parents had a rough marriage. Her father cheated on her mother constantly and moved in with a mistress for a time, and she knew this. I think maybe that is why she acts this way instead of a cooperative, constructive approach to solving marriage issues.

[kp96]

Yeah, I remember thinking that as well.

 

Unless you're not giving us an accurate description, the affair thing is likely. It's not to say its sexual yet and they are running off to motels. Could be a work place emotionally charged thing at this point. All I'm saying is she is working out of the cheaters handbook at this point. Just be more attentive to her actions.

 

Thank you guys and I appreciate it, but this is not it.

[central]

IMO, the way to handle this kind of situation is to NOT try to reason with her or defend yourself. Instead, just say, Okay, you are wrong about this and about me, but you can have a divorce; and then FILE and have her served. It will either snap her back to reality and make her reevaluate and maybe even listen, to preserve the marriage, or she'll jump on the chance to be rid of you. Either way, you'll know how she really feels, and how far she's willing to take this, s o that is good.

 

However, if you are now - or have - done the things she accuses you of, then more than an apology is usually necessary. You need to show that you've changed your behavior so that she believes that you won't do such things again. An apology is good, but can be just blowing hot air. Actions that show you've changed are necessary. Do this even if you file, because if she is undecided, she can still see that you are doing something to address her issues. Of course, if her issues aren't at all real, then there isn't much you can do to deal with them, and you may be better off without having a drama queen in your life.

[Art_Critic]

Well, about 10 minutes after that she wanted us to drive to town hall and get a divorce. This is what I am dealing with.

 

 

If these types of reactions were not present before the baby then maybe her hormones are all out of whack and a DR visit is in order.

She sounds BPD but that would have been present before the baby, with her background it would make sense, would she see a therapist to help, even a marriage therapist ?

[kp96]

IMO, the way to handle this kind of situation is to NOT try to reason with her or defend yourself. Instead, just say, Okay, you are wrong about this and about me, but you can have a divorce; and then FILE and have her served. It will either snap her back to reality and make her reevaluate and maybe even listen, to preserve the marriage, or she'll jump on the chance to be rid of you. Either way, you'll know how she really feels, and how far she's willing to take this, s o that is good.

 

However, if you are now - or have - done the things she accuses you of, then more than an apology is usually necessary. You need to show that you've changed your behavior so that she believes that you won't do such things again. An apology is good, but can be just blowing hot air. Actions that show you've changed are necessary. Do this even if you file, because if she is undecided, she can still see that you are doing something to address her issues. Of course, if her issues aren't at all real, then there isn't much you can do to deal with them, and you may be better off without having a drama queen in your life.

 

Thank you for the advice. The issue I have with this is that we have an 8 month old and a divorce would ruin my baby's life. I can't risk that. Honestly, if we had no child I may consider doing this but I can't bring myself to do that now.

 

Some of the things she accused me of are true. She needs a lot of attention and many times I don't give it to her. She said I dont love her, which is not true, but I can see that if she has certain expectations of how much attention she needs and I am not giving it to her, that she would feel that way. I like to wind down and either watch tv or do something on my own to restore my mind, and she takes that as me not caring about her. I think that is part of it. Something I need to work on, I know.

 

But the problem at hand is that I cannot communicate to her at all right now. I told her over and over that I love her and that I don't want to leave, but she's just not having any of it now. She is just so mad that nothing I say, no matter how kind or loving or reasonable, is getting through to her. She turns everything I say back into an angry, hateful response to me.

[BluesPower]

Thank you for the advice. The issue I have with this is that we have an 8 month old and a divorce would ruin my baby's life. I can't risk that. Honestly, if we had no child I may consider doing this but I can't bring myself to do that now.

 

Some of the things she accused me of are true. She needs a lot of attention and many times I don't give it to her. She said I dont love her, which is not true, but I can see that if she has certain expectations of how much attention she needs and I am not giving it to her, that she would feel that way. I like to wind down and either watch tv or do something on my own to restore my mind, and she takes that as me not caring about her. I think that is part of it. Something I need to work on, I know.

 

But the problem at hand is that I cannot communicate to her at all right now. I told her over and over that I love her and that I don't want to leave, but she's just not having any of it now. She is just so mad that nothing I say, no matter how kind or loving or reasonable, is getting through to her. She turns everything I say back into an angry, hateful response to me.

 

Look, let's get real... Divorcing with an 8 month old is not going to ruin their life. That is just silly. It is usually better at that age because they don't know any better.

 

So stop using that as an excuse to take not action.

 

Basically, you have about 3 or so options:

 

1) She is having PP Depression and you do not know how to recognize it, and since she has not gone to a doctor, you really have NO idea what is going on. She needs to see a doctor.

 

2) She is having and affair at work. And you are clueless, which happens to a lot of men. So before you dismiss this out of hand, think.

 

 

a) Do you have access to her phone and all computer accounts? If not why not, you are married.

 

b) Does she travel for work, before the baby especially? Does she go to local conferences? Do you know any people from her work?

 

c) Have you checked your phone bill for unknown numbers?

 

3) Or, lastly, she is nuts and/or just hates your guts.

 

These are the realities and I suggest that you rule them out one by one in order to figure this things out.

 

Her anger is a form of abuse and you need to recognize that. As others have said, filing for divorce may snap her out of whatever is going on.

 

You should not allow yourself to be treated this way...

[kp96]

Look, let's get real... Divorcing with an 8 month old is not going to ruin their life. That is just silly. It is usually better at that age because they don't know any better.

 

So stop using that as an excuse to take not action.

 

Basically, you have about 3 or so options:

 

1) She is having PP Depression and you do not know how to recognize it, and since she has not gone to a doctor, you really have NO idea what is going on. She needs to see a doctor.

 

2) She is having and affair at work. And you are clueless, which happens to a lot of men. So before you dismiss this out of hand, think.

 

 

a) Do you have access to her phone and all computer accounts? If not why not, you are married.

 

b) Does she travel for work, before the baby especially? Does she go to local conferences? Do you know any people from her work?

 

c) Have you checked your phone bill for unknown numbers?

 

3) Or, lastly, she is nuts and/or just hates your guts.

 

These are the realities and I suggest that you rule them out one by one in order to figure this things out.

 

Her anger is a form of abuse and you need to recognize that. As others have said, filing for divorce may snap her out of whatever is going on.

 

You should not allow yourself to be treated this way...

 

There have been numerous studies to show that divorce impacts children negatively of all ages. I mean, how can you say that having divorced parents is better than being raised by a happy couple? She may be ok having divorced parents but it is certainly not better than having a home with both her mother and father loving her every day.

 

It's 3 on your list. When she is angry, she is nuts. Small things turn into gigantic problems no matter how I try to minimize it. Once her fuse is lit, that's it. Having said that, once she is over it, things go back to a pretty happy life. I just don't know how to get back to that and this time is particularly bad. All my normal methods of de-escalation are not working.

 

I'm hoping someone here has experience with an irrationally mad wife and can provide some advice on how to smooth things over. Something I haven't tried.

[MidwestUSA]

There have been numerous studies to show that divorce impacts children negatively of all ages. I mean, how can you say that having divorced parents is better than being raised by a happy couple? She may be ok having divorced parents but it is certainly not better than having a home with both her mother and father loving her every day.

 

It's 3 on your list. When she is angry, she is nuts. Small things turn into gigantic problems no matter how I try to minimize it. Once her fuse is lit, that's it. Having said that, once she is over it, things go back to a pretty happy life. I just don't know how to get back to that and this time is particularly bad. All my normal methods of de-escalation are not working.

 

I'm hoping someone here has experience with an irrationally mad wife and can provide some advice on how to smooth things over. Something I haven't tried.

 

 

Re: the bolded. Even at eight months old, a baby will pick up on the hostility in the household. Right now, you're not a happy couple. That's what people are referring to when they say divorce is the better option.

 

You could each, separately, love your child to death, but if she doesn't witness love between you, or has to hear your wife's rantings, she's in a far worse place than if you were divorced.

 

 

I'd absolutely follow through with bluespower's advice. In the order he listed them. Good luck.

[Orokotikki]

Some give advice here that you should not be so quick to dismiss.

But since you are looking for an answer that you like, I will not bother repeating that ALL of the above advice is VERY good.

 

What specific things has she accused you of that you DID do?

What are some specific things she accuses you of which you DID NOT do?

Does she ever get physical in her blowups?

How long has she had this explosive temper?

What is he work environment like (office, shift work, retail)?

Do you work and have a job?

[central]

OP, you seem to be forgetting that you said SHE is threatening divorce, whether or not you think it's good for the child, or not. If she follows through on that, you have no choice in the matter. You have a better chance of preventing that happening if YOU initiate it, because then you will be negotiating changes from a position of strength, rather than weakness. Right now, you are in a weak position, and subject to her whims on this issue.

[Artdeco]

Sounds like she has a lot of resentment built up. It resonates with what you said before, ie that there have been issues in the marriage that you thought were resolved. Apparently for her this is not the case, which is why whenever you do something small NOW, her resentment will even grow bigger. I don’t know why everybody’s jumping to the conclusion of an affair. Nothing indicates that IMO.

 

You said it yourself that she needs more attention from YOU. Maybe work on that, and whatever the “past” issues are that you think have been sufficiently taken care of, consider these again, and make sure they are no longer “boiling” inside her.

[Celli41]

KP,

 

My advise to you is call a marriage counselor immediately. Make an appt and tell her you are both going. If you love her and want to be with her, then you take the good and bad. It's clear that she is dealing with something - whether it be feelings of depression, chemical/hormonal or maybe she's just tired of not getting her needs met by you and has reached her boiling point (not hard to do if you have a child under age of 1).

 

Sometimes in marriage two people can't see past their own hurts and challenges to know how to effectively deal in the marriage. Get to the bottom of it before it gets worse. You said you don't want to divorce, then just take a step without being prompted by her and make an appt and make her go.

 

Good luck!

[kp96]

KP,

 

My advise to you is call a marriage counselor immediately. Make an appt and tell her you are both going. If you love her and want to be with her, then you take the good and bad. It's clear that she is dealing with something - whether it be feelings of depression, chemical/hormonal or maybe she's just tired of not getting her needs met by you and has reached her boiling point (not hard to do if you have a child under age of 1).

 

Sometimes in marriage two people can't see past their own hurts and challenges to know how to effectively deal in the marriage. Get to the bottom of it before it gets worse. You said you don't want to divorce, then just take a step without being prompted by her and make an appt and make her go.

 

Good luck!

 

I agree with going to a counselor but I suggested that already and she refuses to go. My brother did suggest I go alone, which I may do. Thank you for the help though.

[kp96]

Some give advice here that you should not be so quick to dismiss.

But since you are looking for an answer that you like, I will not bother repeating that ALL of the above advice is VERY good.

 

What specific things has she accused you of that you DID do?

What are some specific things she accuses you of which you DID NOT do?

Does she ever get physical in her blowups?

How long has she had this explosive temper?

What is he work environment like (office, shift work, retail)?

Do you work and have a job?

 

I know I sound dismissive but it is because I know my wife fairly well. She has to win at all costs and regularly crosses lines that mature reasonable adults do not cross when dealing with their spouse. I have learned somewhat to brush those off because after the fight is over, she rarely even remembers the horrible things she says. This is why going with the nuclear option of filing for divorce just seems too extreme.

 

I am trying to get her back into an emotional space where she can accept that things can be better. She is incredibly emotional...when she is mad, I am the most horrible person alive and everything I say and do is hurtful. When she is happy I can do no wrong.

 

I am listening to all of you and it makes sense, but I can't agree with going this far. I am hoping someone has dealt with this type of situation and can offer suggestions to shift her from hating me to wanting to work on this.

[Orokotikki]

What specific things has she accused you of that you DID do?

What are some specific things she accuses you of which you DID NOT do?

Does she ever get physical in her blowups?

How long has she had this explosive temper?

What is he work environment like (office, shift work, retail)?

Do you work and have a job?

[BluesPower]

I know I sound dismissive but it is because I know my wife fairly well. She has to win at all costs and regularly crosses lines that mature reasonable adults do not cross when dealing with their spouse. I have learned somewhat to brush those off because after the fight is over, she rarely even remembers the horrible things she says. This is why going with the nuclear option of filing for divorce just seems too extreme.

 

I am trying to get her back into an emotional space where she can accept that things can be better. She is incredibly emotional...when she is mad, I am the most horrible person alive and everything I say and do is hurtful. When she is happy I can do no wrong.

 

I am listening to all of you and it makes sense, but I can't agree with going this far. I am hoping someone has dealt with this type of situation and can offer suggestions to shift her from hating me to wanting to work on this.

 

That is one of the suggestions... which is what you don't get.

 

She is being abusive, understand, somehow, somewhere she has issues, big ones.

 

She needs to do to a doctor, and you are being too weak to insist that she go.

 

Further, your weakness, will eventually end your marriage, because no woman wants a man that will not stand up for himself. It makes her insecure.

 

You are the one that came for advice and for the most part you have poo pooed on everything that has been said.

 

If you do not gain control of your household and stop being a wuss, you will lose your marriage in the long run.

 

The people here have been through it all, they know what they are talking about...

[Mr. Lucky]

She made a laundry list of reasons I am a bad person, each of which we had either discussed before or I had apologized for already. When she ranted at me, I kept calm but could not respond because many of the things were just flat out not reality. They were untrue. She is accusing me of things that I know for a fact that I didn't do.

 

kp96, let's say your wife was posting here. It's an anonymous forum, no one knows her or could judge the truthfulness of her post.

 

How would she describe you and your marriage? What would she list as her main grievances? And how would she portray you as a father and a partner?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mrs rubble]

I agree with Blues, you're being abused and not standing up for yourself....imagine what you're teaching your child. It's ok for mum to yell and scream abuse at dad, because dad won't do anything! Do you want to raise a child around abuse? Do you want them to think you're weak?

 

 

I can tell you first hand that having children grow up around abuse is terrible, the children will end up with violence and anger issues and possibly PTSD. If you don't have a problem with a future like this, carry on trying to talk nice to Mrs Grumpy pants. Nothing is going to change until you bring it to a head. I seriously recommend filing for divorce.

[Woggle]

Call he bluff and tell her that if she is that unhappy then you two should get a divorce and if she doesn't want that then she can start working on her issues and do whatever she needs to do but you will not live like this. I know this is hindsight but why would you have a baby with a woman like this?