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Old 5th September 2018, 8:13 AM   #1
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Not sure how to deal with this

I have an issue and donít know how to handle it. My wife and I have been married over 2 years and we get along great. In July she found out her ex boyfriend right before me died of an overdose. Since then it has felt she isnít ďall inĒ in our marriage. Sex became blah and not as frequent. Romantic things like touching, holding hands and kissing is mostly gone. I have a powerful gift of discernment and I can sense when things are not right so Iíve been sad and down for the last few weeks. She asked yesterday why I was down. She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him. Iím not sure what is going on and havenít been able to ask her yet. Iím not sure if I should feel as hurt about this as I do. I am looking for tHe best way to handle it and approach it. Thanks
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Old 5th September 2018, 8:24 AM   #2
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I would say that she is grieving, and grief isnít always rational.

Give her time to work through these feelings. She should talk about her feelings, with a Counsellor if she thinks that would be helpful.

Otherwise, just stay with her - do nice things for her, take her out, have some fun together to help her to stay in the moment...
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Old 5th September 2018, 8:57 AM   #3
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I would say that she is grieving, and grief isnít always rational.

Give her time to work through these feelings. She should talk about her feelings, with a Counsellor if she thinks that would be helpful.

Otherwise, just stay with her - do nice things for her, take her out, have some fun together to help her to stay in the moment...
Should I bring up the messages?
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Old 5th September 2018, 9:29 AM   #4
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Personally, I would just ask her how she is feeling about the death of her ex. Start there - it may be all you need to say...
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Old 5th September 2018, 9:32 AM   #5
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I agree with BaileyB.
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Old 5th September 2018, 9:42 AM   #6
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I wouldn't bring up the messages, it might be a way to "get it out"/closure and not meant for anyone else to see. If she actually thought she and her ex had a future together, she wouldn't have married you. I wish I had some advice...I know it can't be easy on either of you.
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Old 5th September 2018, 10:27 AM   #7
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Itís just very confusing because the guy is dead and I read these messages about how she loved him and misses him, yet he was a total jerk and hit her. She is absent from our marriage so her marrying me feels like consolation prize.
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Old 5th September 2018, 10:48 AM   #8
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If it gives you any consolation, keep in mind that it is easier to love an image of what you thought the person was than the actual person.

Once this guy was dead, all the bad about him vanished in a second. Now she is left with only fond memories. She romanticizes the relationship and the other person becomes a vision of perfection.

She may never see him in a realistic light again. She may never get over this loss. She will learn to live with it and likely, with the passage of time, your relationship will go back to where it was.
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Old 5th September 2018, 11:50 AM   #9
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She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him.
How did you find the messages and who or what was she sending them to?

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Old 5th September 2018, 12:08 PM   #10
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How did you find the messages and who or what was she sending them to?

Mr. Lucky
On her Facebook messenger I went to do something on the computer and it was on there from Monday. She was sending them to the dead guys account. Probably as a way to grieve. Just struck me as odd she would send an I miss you message.
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Old 5th September 2018, 4:35 PM   #11
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I don't have any advice but I have seen one other situation along the same lines. Here is something the man in your shoes learned. You can't compete with a ghost. He is what he is, in her mind, and he will forever be so. Time will tell if she loves you more than the ghost in her mind. If I was in your place I would have to ask her. Right now there are three entities in your marriage and one of them is a ghost who she obviously has feelings of love for. I do wish you well.
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Old 9th September 2018, 1:13 PM   #12
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Your not gonna like what I have to say...

They say that if you want to hear the truth about something, get the other person angry - there is truth in anger. Well, in your case, there is truth in grief. You were the consolation prize... she wanted stability, and you offered it to her so she took it. Now that the other guy is dead, he is a saint, while you are still only mortal and imperfect. You can't fight the dead - they will always win. I'd grab the bull by the balls on this one and come out and ask her if she wants a divorce. Tell her you read her message - who cares if she gets angry at this point - and tell her you are not 'plan B'. How would she feel if she read a letter you had written to your ex girlfriend admitting that she was better than your wife - better in the sack, bigger T & A, and nicer to boot, and that you would rather be married to her than your wife? Well, that letter left you questioning your entire relationship, and considering that it could be a mistake. If she wants to go drape herself over his gravestone and dig a grave for herself next to his, she is free to do so, but not as your wife. Meanwhile, you can go and find a woman who will be 100% into you. She has a decision to make - she can be your wife 100% or she can go. Maybe some tough love is what it will take for her to wake up to what she has. But, if not, you need to do what is right for you.
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Old 9th September 2018, 2:37 PM   #13
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What do you feel you should do? What is your gut instinct?

I think I would have to talk to her, tell her you weren't trying to pry but you did see the messages. Yes, she's grieving and normally we cut others slack at a time like that, but this involves you and your life. I don't think I could wait it out.
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Old 9th September 2018, 2:45 PM   #14
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A marriage is for two. Why would you want to stay in something where her dead X merits more than you?

No a lot of time invested in this. At two years you should still be in the honeymoon phase but clearly you aren't. Doesn't say much for you future her bud.

Better think about this hard.
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Old 10th September 2018, 6:49 PM   #15
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Hmmmm. My former colleague had a similar situation. Her Ex H died. He was an alcoholic.

She was very down when he died..and this caused problems in her marriage. She felt unable to grieve and wound up going off sick for a couple of months.

She told me her husband couldn't understand why she was upset since she divorced him because of the drink.

She didn't see her H as a consolation prize. She left the first one because of his drinking. His drinking eventually killed him. It was just the grief.

Ask your wife how she feels about it all. It a a good opening.
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