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Tired of the verbal abuse


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Hello all. I'm here mostly to just get this off my chest, as I can't bare to tell this to anyone I actually know. I'm embarrassed for anyone to know and once it's out there, no one would look at my husband the same again. I also welcome everyone's thoughts, because I feel like I am at a crossroads and could use some outside perspectives.

 

I have been with my husband for almost 11 years, and we've been married for 4. When I met him, I had a bad feeling about starting a relationship with him for a variety of reasons. But I decided to go for it anyway. The relationship ended within a year because he the textbook definition of an abuser - he tried to keep from seeing my friends and family, wanted to hang out all of the time, wanted me to drop out of college, verbally and physically abused me, and was always so sorry after hurting me and promised to never do it again. After we broke up, a month or so went by and he came crying to me, telling me he found God, understood he was an abuser, and was willing to go to counseling to help him get better. So we got back together. He truly was a different person after that, and he has never laid a hand on me since.

 

Things went reasonably well for the next several years. Not perfect - he still had outbursts of anger and occasionally said some hurtful things, but overall, the good outweighed the bad. We eventually got married and things were good until we moved across the country so I could go to graduate school. He wasn't thrilled about leaving the place he grew up in, but we were both excited to see a new part of the country for a few years and I ended up going to the school in the region he said he most wanted us to go to.

 

Things were ok for a few months, but once he got over the novelty of our new home, he started complaining about me "forcing" him to move here (even though before I even applied, I asked if he would be ok moving away for a few years). He rarely helps with any household cleaning, and when I complain, he tells me I don't do real work so I should be the one taking care of the apartment (despite the fact that between my teaching, taking classes, studying, and working on research, I am working 50 - 60 hours per week). After accepting that I wasn't getting any help cleaning, I started asking him to do small things to help keep the place clean, like taking off his shoes at the door and rinsing the sink after trimming his beard. These requests were met with statements like, "you don't control me" and "stop trying to tell me what to do."

 

Things have now escalated to the point where if I'm not working on dinner when he comes home from work, he calls me lazy and says if I won't get with the program, he'll find someone else who will. I clean the kitchen everyday, and everyday he spills coffee, sugar, and food all over it and walks away. If he sees his mess still there before I clean the kitchen, he calls me a useless slob. Anytime I try to defend myself (such as commenting that the mess was made by him), he calls me a stuck up bitch, lazy cunt, etc.

 

Lately he's also been bringing up my mom a lot in a negative way. For example, I might ask him to bring me something from another room and he'll say something like, "don't you start turning into your mom and think I'm going to bring you things every time you ring a bell." In fact, since we've moved, he's really developed a lot of anger towards my parents' relationship. My dad worships my mom and is always bringing her flowers and filling her coffee cup for her, things like that. Part of it is because she's old and arthritic and it hurts her to walk a lot, but part of it is just because he adores her and wants to be nice. I don't know why my husband finds this so offensive - maybe because his parents divorced when he was a child?

 

In the past year, I've also been getting threats of physical harm when he gets angry. Some of them have even been death threats. He claims he just says things when he's angry, but I've seen him destroy things over small inconveniences and sometimes I do feel threatened. However, in general, I am just so tired of the verbal abuse. It seems like he's always angry, I'm verbally abused a few times per week, and we rarely do anything together anymore. Some of that has to do with me - I choose to watch tv in another room or read by myself, or stay at school late so I don't have to deal with him. But there's so little we can do together than won't start a fight.

 

Thanks for reading this far. Lately I've been wondering if I should leave. We barely have a relationship and his constant negative comments drag me down. I once asked to go to marriage counseling, but he said no because "they always side with the woman." Leaving him right now would be difficult financially. It would be hard for me to make it on just my salary, although I could take out student loans to help and maybe I could find a room mate. We also happen to be in a weird place with our lease - they forget to send out renewal notices on time, so we will be on month-to-month for three months until the new lease kicks in (if we sign it - haven't done so yet). Not being bound by a lease right now means I could leave without having to pay a huge fee to the rental company for breaking the lease early. So if I was going to leave, the next few months would be when to do it.

 

I also thought about just baring it for two more years until I graduate and ending it then - but that's such an ******* move. My husband may be a jerk, but that doesn't mean I can use him for money until it's convenient to leave. There have also been times where I felt so bad that I just wanted to say F getting this degree, pack up my car, and drive across the county to my parents' house and start new.

 

But what I really want is for my husband to be nice again. I don't really want a divorce. Despite everything, I still love my husband. But maybe I just love a version of my husband that doesn't exist anymore (maybe he never existed). I keep telling myself that he's just going through depression and homesickness and it will get better... except it doesn't, and what happens if we move back and everything stays the same? There's also the problem that I don't actually want to move back to where we came from. My parents moved when they retired, and I'd rather live closer to them, but my husband will not be happy if he's not within an hour or two of where he grew up, and that's very unlikely to happen. There are hardly any jobs there. I just feel like no matter what I do right now, everything is going to implode in a couple years when I look for jobs and we can't go where he wants to. He's already said that he'd divorce me if I tried to stay here on the west coast.

 

I just feel at a loss about what to do right now.

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You have to take a cold hard look at who and what your husband actually is, not how he has been in the past or is for a few moments here and there. Of course you don't want to divorce, it's a difficult thing to have to go through.

 

But staying likely means that things will remain the same, if you're lucky, otherwise the abuse will continue to escalate. It's highly unlikely to improve. Someone who treats you this way has serious issues, he's not going to just snap out of it.

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I really think you should leave . Maybe you can go to the student health center and talk to a counselor to give you the strength. You know you can’t stay so the sooner you leave the better .

 

Leave now and get a roommate to share expenses. You may need to budget more but you can make it.

 

I wouldn’t worry about being “fair” to him though I just don’t think it’s worth bearing 2 more years of this when there are other solutions. Read the book “the nice girl syndrome “ to help you get cured of being nice and fair to abusive people.

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But what I really want is for my husband to be nice again.

 

And I want our president to focus more on his job and less on tweeting. I don't honestly think either of us are going to have things go our way.

 

Chanterelle, when I read your well-written post, I don't ask myself "how could someone treat their spouse this way?".

 

Instead, I ask "why would someone put up with this for 11 days, much less 11 years?".

 

Your post is really about you, the descriptions of his behaviors aside. He showed you early on what kind of partner he was going to be. For some reason, you ignored every stop sign, warning siren and red flag and married him.

 

The only thing I can think of worse than that decision would be deciding to stay and continue to be a victim. Since it sounds like you'll be a teacher, look at this as a lesson. And hopefully, at this point a lesson learned...

 

Mr. Lucky

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And I want our president to focus more on his job and less on tweeting. I don't honestly think either of us are going to have things go our way.

 

You made me laugh out loud... Good one!

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Lately you've been wondering if you should leave...

 

It's been eleven years, that this man has been taking his anger out on you. Eleven years! At some point, you stop being a victim and you become a volunteer.

 

You knew early on that things were not good, but you decided to give it a chance anyway. It has not worked out for you. I'm sorry about that. But, after staying in an abusive relationship for eleven years... I think the chances of your husband changing are slim to none.

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As far as I understand, you have no kids. On top of that, you have what many people don’t have. A loving family and parents that will welcome you back and help you get back on your feet. You don’t need this piece of **** in your life. You even suggested counseling and he wont go. And I think counseling would’ve been your last lifeline.

 

This man has anger issues. And they can’t be resolved without help. I also believe that he doesn’t think that you will ever leave him. Therefore, there will be no change in his behavior whatsoever. I think hanging in there for two more years is a bad mistake. You would lose two years – and for what? I’m sure you have built up a lot of resentment over time, and that will not go away. It’ll just get worse. I also don’t believe you still love him and respect him. I hope you don’t. Because you shouldn’t. He doesn’t deserve that. Definitely walk away.

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Welcome to LS....

 

Are you afraid of being alone?

 

How did relationships go in your family of origin? Your dad apparently treats your mom great now. Has it always been like that, like when you were a child?

 

What about him is sufficiently attractive to keep you in the game with all this voluminous negativity?

 

I didn't see any children mentioned.... got any?

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It looks like he held it together until the two of you were isolated from your support network. Then, he let loose.

 

Leave him now, while you're on a month-to-month lease. It's not difficult to find shared accommodations and if you don't like it, you can find other roommates. If you stay with him with the current rate of escalation, who knows what might happen within the two years. It wouldn't surprise me if the escalation increases at a faster pace, the closer you get to graduation since your freedom from college would reduce your need for him.

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He’s got you isolated now, and can even blame you for the circumstances. Win-win for him. This jerk has been abusive since the day you met him, and long before that. You ignored your initial instincts about him and now you’re paying the price.

 

He will not change.

 

Let those words sink in. He will not change because he likes how he is. You can believe that or not but I’ve studied this topic quite extensively - and lived it for awhile - and I’m here to tell you that he enjoys the power he exerts over you. This is a power he will never relinquish. He has you fooled into thinking he understands remorse and feelings but he doesn’t. He’s merely a good actor.

 

You’ve already wasted 11 years of your life on this ass. It’s up to you as to whether you’ll waste yet another 11...or more.

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What marriage is not:

Being a subservient busy chef and housekeeper to keep some peace

Isolating oneself to another room attempting to keep some peace

Being threatened and bullied

Being verbally and or physically abused

 

Walking on egg shells daily

Living in mere existence with a person

Being miserable to try and keep someone happy or satisfied

 

Using someone because you can get away with it

 

Using someone for money

 

 

 

The scariest day is when an abused soul walks away out into the unknown. The happiest day is when the smoke clears one realizes the sense of freedom they had forgotten even existed and that huge burden is melting away. There are people on this board with uplifting stories of new life after abusive relationships.

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