shydad Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Hi all, I am hoping to hear people's thoughts on having children during early 40s. Is there anything to be cautioned of, or is this a great opportunity which will soon be lost? I was asked about my position on children, which I haven't put much thought in, and have not been asked about before. I'm 41 with a school aged son. She's 40 without children, but wants children. Other than not having a close relationship, my life is very balanced and satisfying now. My custody plan now permits me to have free time, and I enjoy fast paced hiking (which is not kid friendly). It's been about ten years since I've been able to do this with any regularity. However, the idea of having a little version of the woman I love is VERY appealing to me. I know my heart would melt and I'd totally spoil her. That's a 50% chance though. Regardless, my son would benefit from having a brother or sister. Having family is important and he is an only child. His mom can no longer conceive, so if it's going to happen, I'd need to do it. Giving time for a relationship to develop, plus conceiving the child, plus the child growing up, I'd be in my early 60s when my parenting responsibilities would be lessened, which is not too appealing. We cannot predict what our health will be like as we age. I'd like to be able to do fun adult things now, while I know my health is good, but the opportunity to have another child will soon be lost. Either route has an opportunity and a possible future regret. Finally, I do understand that I'm in a privileged position. I'm able to think about this in an unpressured manner. The woman who asked me could be under tremendous pressure right now. I welcome any thoughts or experiences related to this topic. I find that hearing different viewpoints can be helpful when my thoughts are unorganized. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Other than not having a close relationship, my life is very balanced and satisfying now.. I’m confused by this in the context of your post, what does it mean? I had my last child when I was in my 40’s and, parenting wise, it was much easier. I understand kids better, financially more comfortable and overall more relaxed and less stressed. Having built-in babysitters in the form of older siblings is nice also ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 I was glad that I had my kids one year each side of 30 because as it turned out, I'd stopped ovulating properly by 37 and was in menopause at 43. While I know some women who've conceived naturally after 40, I also know quite a number who did the IVF route or remained childless. Before making too many plans, get her fertility checked by a doctor and consider whether or not you'd do IVF. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 The woman who asked me could be under tremendous pressure right now. Is this a woman you are just now starting to date ? if it is I would be careful is it would seem to me that the cart is being put before the horse, while a person needs to make sure that both parties are on the same page as far as kids go I would think there is an order that the conversation should happen and to me it shouldn't happen in the very beginning as age seems to be the primary factor for having the conversation.. That being said... My wife was just under 40 and I was almost 45 when we had our Son, there were no issues medically or in conceiving that we had to deal with... My Son is 10+ now and a joy to be around... I would say that if I had a choice that having him younger might have been better but I'm doing fine.. 55 and I have no trouble right now keeping up with him, I'm fully active in his life, I get him up and ready for school each day and I also help coach his Baseball teams,.. I play catch in the yard with him a few times a week. Age is just a number and to my Son he doesn't know his Dad is a bit older.. I am the oldest Dad on all the Teams, there are Dads close to my age but none older... I am also one of the older Dads in School.. there are older Dads than me in his school.. I work 10-12 hrs a day but make all of his sport practices and games and also am there to put him to bed each day... My wife does the other 75% of the things he needs.. I think a big brunt of parenting falls on her. She is a SAHM so she does all of his homework with him before I even get home from work and that also seems like a pattern in many other things since she is with him during the day after school. I wouldn't worry about it.. but worry about the motives of a conversation like this early on, now if you are dating and the relationship has built to the point this talk is needed then I don't see an issue... The lady in the this post, she is 40 now.. maybe 41 or 42 by the time things roll that way.. Will there be any issues of fertility with her ? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Friends of mine had their first and only child in their late 30s and they are able to give her a really good life. Financially, mentally, lovingly, educationally...pretty much in every way. Just think about all that knowledge you can pass down. Your child will shine like a star! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Well... I hate to be a wet blanket but any pregnancy after 35 is considered high risk. The risk of complications to the mother and child is much higher than if you were both younger - a higher risk of premature delivery, Down syndrome, Autism. I have seen many families who have a romanticized version of what it would be like to have a child later in life, only to deliver a child with a disability that changes the plan they had for their life entirely. It's a roll of the dice... I'm not sure that I would be willing to roll the dice at this age. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 (edited) There are two sides of the coin... I have always considered 35 to be pretty much the end of the road for bringing kids into the world.....Now, understand, I have an opinion about child rearing that differs from what is being thrown around today...Kids need active parents...I am one of the most fit 50 plus people you would ever see/meet and yet I wear down and don't have what I used to in terms of energy and drive..Some people believe it's ok to put kids in daycare from basically infancy, go to work, then pick them up, the parents being tired from work, then put them to bed..That's not parenting, imo...Unfair to the kids..Some kids can be very active/hyperactive and if you think you will have the energy to deal with that after 50 when you worked your ass off all day and for the last 30 years, you may want to think again.. Here's another thing... Most people around my age(early 50's) are thinking about slowing down....Cutting back....You can't when you have younger kids...They need everything....Money, time, resources, etc..Just when you think you want to settle down and maybe downsize a bit, you will be faced with a big expense of time and money... And lastly...Think about this...And this is a BIG factor, If you have a kid at this age, what happens if the relationship then falls apart? Now, not only are you older and tired, you now have go through the horrors of a divorce, and you will be paying child support payments and funding 6 figure college bills, up until almost the time you are collecting social security... Just giving my own personal feelings/opinions...Doesn't mean people can't or won't do it, but you need to consider all of the possibilities.. TFY Edited August 21, 2018 by thefooloftheyear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Wow - I am in a similar scenario, and really appreciate the perspectives in this thread!!!! Truly! Thank you all for taking time to write so thoughtfully. Link to post Share on other sites
Striver Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 I have to echo the possibility of divorce. I can speak to this, being a man who had 3 children in his early 40s. exW does not work (lucky her), and when she left me for another man the child support bill was and is substantial. This is never a good situation, but at least if you're younger there is potential recovery time down the road. With me, there really isn't. Love my kids, but I still expect to wind up living under a bridge. Saving for college, I laugh at that. Let the ex and her family fund that. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 I had my daughter at 36 and my son at 38. Both are fine. I know several friends who had babies in their 40s. They are fine. Yes, there does seem to be a lot of special needs children these days, not sure if it's due to earlier recognition or what, but Downs aside, the rest seems to be random. Plenty of women far younger than me have special needs children. As for hiking, my kids can do several miles. Kids are like puppies. Endless energy. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 (edited) Yes, there does seem to be a lot of special needs children these days, not sure if it's due to earlier recognition or what, but Downs aside, the rest seems to be random. Plenty of women far younger than me have special needs children. True. Women far younger than you have children with special needs. However, research is showing that the incidence of disability is rising and it has a direct correlation with the age of both parents. It increase is not only due to increased recognition and diagnosis, although that is definitely a contributing factor. They used to think it was primarily related to the mother's age, but now they are finding it is also positively correlated to an increased age for the father. It's not only Down syndrome... Following your logic, I've worked with children born to mothers who were 18 years old. The increasing incidence is also related to prematurity and Autism, although the outcomes have improved for infants born prematurely as there have been significant advances in neonatal care. But, we digress... Edited August 22, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 True. Women far younger than you have children with special needs. However, research is showing that the incidence of disability is rising and it has a direct correlation with the age of both parents. It increase is not only due to increased recognition and diagnosis, although that is definitely a contributing factor. They used to think it was primarily related to the mother's age, but now they are finding it is also positively correlated to an increased age for the father. It's not only Down syndrome... Following your logic, I've worked with children born to mothers who were 18 years old. The increasing incidence is also related to prematurity and Autism, although the outcomes have improved for infants born prematurely as there have been significant advances in neonatal care. But, we digress... I will only say that I am very aware of all the families out there with special needs children and I am lucky. I am sure the fathers age may be a factor but the people I know, the men were also young, so I don't know. I hesitate to say this but I was not so worried about Downs (the families seem so happy and honestly blessed by the children) but the other ones, where the genetics were incompatible with life. I also know many families who divorced over an autistic child. My heart goes out to those parents. That said, I still think it's a crapshoot. But I am not a doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 It doesn't matter what we think about it. It matters what you think about it. It's your life & your relationship. For now on these early dates, just say something vague & non committal like you are open to it but you'd have to see when the time comes. You may be in your late 40s by the time you meet somebody & get ready to take the plunge again. The Q is too complex for a glib answer. You have to recognize that it will change over time. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Being an older parent is a mixed bag. Saw it as a child and tried it as an adult. However, there are plenty who do it an are successful and it doesn't have to be a long drawn out methodical thing, or fraught with doubt. Most everything is quantifiable these days and people are far more vigorous into their older years, generally, than when I was young. As a sample from the public realm, here's Clint with his two youngest, Morgan and Francesca. I believe he was in his early-mid 60's when they were born. You mentioned girls so there ya go When I graduated from high school, my dad was 62. Compared to friend's dads who were far younger, he didn't have their physical vigor but possessed a wealth of life experience and mental sharpness that were great assets in parenting a child. No doubt his personal choices and experiences in the war wore on him physically. At nearly that same age now, I'm far healthier and more active. At your age OP, both you and the lady you're dating should be pretty experienced in life and know what you want. If you want to have a child together, do that. Do any testing needed/desired, work out the legalities and get to making babies. IME, out of hundreds, if not thousands, of women I met in life past the age of 20, my exW was the only woman I ever met who didn't have children. For your lady, check out her situation, be sure she's authentic about desire, and move forward. Not having children at 40 isn't as rare as it used to be in women but it is still less common, especially if the lady has been married/LTR prior. Good luck with your choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shydad Posted August 22, 2018 Author Share Posted August 22, 2018 The different viewpoints which have been shared are valuable. Experience is important, and this is new territory for me to some degree. Some ideas are ones which I had not thought of and will be very useful to keep in mind. My stated preference on children on my profile is "probably not", which was chosen without much thought. Now that I've thought about it heavily, and had additional insights from the community, I've become quite excited about the idea. However, I learned that the reason why I was asked was not because she wants children, but that if she became pregnant, she wanted to know if I would be pressuring her for an abortion or not. (I would never do that.) I was somewhat disappointed when I learned this. So apparently I'm more excited about it than she is, when I wasn't excited before. Ironic, isn't it? I'm glad to have been asked, as my thoughts are much clearer now. Any additional insights would be appreciated, but I thought this development was worth mentioning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 The different viewpoints which have been shared are valuable. Experience is important, and this is new territory for me to some degree. Some ideas are ones which I had not thought of and will be very useful to keep in mind. My stated preference on children on my profile is "probably not", which was chosen without much thought. Now that I've thought about it heavily, and had additional insights from the community, I've become quite excited about the idea. However, I learned that the reason why I was asked was not because she wants children, but that if she became pregnant, she wanted to know if I would be pressuring her for an abortion or not. (I would never do that.) I was somewhat disappointed when I learned this. So apparently I'm more excited about it than she is, when I wasn't excited before. Ironic, isn't it? I'm glad to have been asked, as my thoughts are much clearer now. Any additional insights would be appreciated, but I thought this development was worth mentioning. I fell pregnant at 41, it was quite a shock and surprise. My Husband was 46. He initially wanted me to terminate the pregnancy, I didn't. We ended up agreeing to keep it....my mother was horrified, she thought I was way too old. However I miscarried at 14weeks, we both grieved a lot for our baby. Looking back now, I'm sort of glad I don't have a young child as our other children are all grown up and we're enjoying our time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 This is me ... but I would not rush a marriage in order to have children ... Having children is a huge deal ... You marry, because you want to marry. I would NOT marry because the window is closing and because you and your partner are in your 40s. Despite the awareness you guys might have, I would push that aside and consider marrying this person only when you are clear you want to marry her. I would not add "having children" as a reason for moving up the marriage. I think marriage is hard enough ... and if me and my partner can't naturally get to marriage (without thinking about kids) ... then there is a problem. Yes, time could run out ... but time may have already run out for you guys ... and there's nothing worse that realizing you married a person for a reason other than you really wanted to be with them. BTW: my mom was 43 when she had me, my dad 42. They were nerdier than the other, more youthful parents ... but I loved them. They gave me a great life ... They weren't as stressed as they were in their 20s and 30s ... I formed a really nice bond with them and miss them everyday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 I'm 41 and childfree. This question is timely for me. Just a few days ago, at my husband's grandmothers funeral, I really felt the loss of not having a child for the first time. I actually just googled information about pregnancy in your early 40s afterwards. Apparently, a woman in her early 40s has a 5% chance of becoming pregnancy each month as opposed to around 30% for a woman 20 years younger. Also, about a third of women in their early 40s are infertile. I wasn't able to find what the risk for Down's syndrome and other genetic disorders was. However, I did learn that nowadays they can pick up the baby's DNA through a blood test of the mother as early as the 10 week mark. I will say it sounds like your reasons for wanting a child with this woman are due to being infatuated with her. That doesn't mean the reality would be as great as the fantasy. Especially as it sounds like you're new to dating her. My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and known each other for 20. I still think the excitement of the fantasy is not enough reason for us to have a child. I realized this week I could fall in love with the idea of having a child very easily. What I'm realizing, though, is that it's just the fantasy that I want. The reality isn't necessarily appealing to me. And it's not just because of my age. You just never know what having a child will be like until they're there. Even if you already have a kid, each one is different. I also wonder if there wouldn't be a lot fewer babies born if everyone thought that through. Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 There are two sides of the coin... I have always considered 35 to be pretty much the end of the road for bringing kids into the world.....Now, understand, I have an opinion about child rearing that differs from what is being thrown around today...Kids need active parents...I am one of the most fit 50 plus people you would ever see/meet and yet I wear down and don't have what I used to in terms of energy and drive..Some people believe it's ok to put kids in daycare from basically infancy, go to work, then pick them up, the parents being tired from work, then put them to bed..That's not parenting, imo...Unfair to the kids..Some kids can be very active/hyperactive and if you think you will have the energy to deal with that after 50 when you worked your ass off all day and for the last 30 years, you may want to think again.. Here's another thing... Most people around my age(early 50's) are thinking about slowing down....Cutting back....You can't when you have younger kids...They need everything....Money, time, resources, etc..Just when you think you want to settle down and maybe downsize a bit, you will be faced with a big expense of time and money... And lastly...Think about this...And this is a BIG factor, If you have a kid at this age, what happens if the relationship then falls apart? Now, not only are you older and tired, you now have go through the horrors of a divorce, and you will be paying child support payments and funding 6 figure college bills, up until almost the time you are collecting social security... Just giving my own personal feelings/opinions...Doesn't mean people can't or won't do it, but you need to consider all of the possibilities.. TFY You're making a lot of sense. The factors you mention should be carefully considered by anyone planning to have children at that age. I'm in my mid-forties and wouldn't even think of having children any longer despite the fact there is no such thing as funding college for your kids where I live. At my age, most professionals are approaching the peak of their careers. For at lot of people, it's downhill career-wise from about 50-55 years of age, depending on the field, of course. Children are a huge time and money sink. Downsizing and and slowing down might not even be a choice but something forced upon you by deteriorating health in some cases. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 Children are a huge time and money sink. The ROI isn't quite that bad, there are a few offsetting emotional returns. And I keep threatening, in my advancing old age, to move in and let THEM support ME... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 One great thing though I have to add.... I have no doubt that I will not last past 75 years old...I doubt I'd even want to anyway...That means, my only child will be in line to inherit my wealth(which was a very hard struggle for me to obtain). when she is in her late 30's/40 years old(max)...What a deal...She won't have to wait until she is older to be able to get it...like most people do...I had no inheritance at all...My dad was broke and my mom won't have anything, nor would I want her to keep what little she has for me to inherit...I don't need it... And which, if she doesn't completely screw up, will be enough to allow her to live pretty comfortably for the rest of her life, and not have to break her ass like I did.... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 The ROI isn't quite that bad, there are a few offsetting emotional returns. And I keep threatening, in my advancing old age, to move in and let THEM support ME... Mr. Lucky The ROI may well offset the investment by a good margin but that doesn't change the fact that children are a huge time and money sink. It's good to keep that in mind because being a parent to a minor is a very different lifestyle compared being childfree or the parent of adult children. Link to post Share on other sites
lazlo Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 It pretty much in the same situation, me 39 and my wife 41. I'd love to have a kid. She would like to try IVF and this is probably her last chance, as it is probably mine (I'm not going to have children at 50). On the other hand I'm a bit scared. Besides we have issues in our marriage and I'm not so confident that our relationship is strong enough to last long. I'm not scared of responsibilities and I don't care not having free time for me. I'm a bit scared of having to raise a kid as separate parents, even if I know it's doable. On the other hand, if I picture myself old and alone it's even a more scary thought. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I tend to think last-ditch IVF is a bad idea. It's very expensive, it makes you absolutely crazy because of the hormone fluctuations from the drugs they use on you, and it still doesn't work most of the time. Putting all your hopes on that and spending tens of thousands only to end up with nothing is heart-wrenching. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 On the other hand, if I picture myself old and alone it's even a more scary thought. A dog is cheaper and, assuming you install a door, can be left alone for parts of the day... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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