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No trust left, not sure if I should divorce


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 3rd October 2018, 7:31 AM   #31
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But why not just say why he retracted it in the first place? I'd actually respect him a whole lot more than lying and calling me a liar.

I've never wanted to be like your sibling. My dads a tyrant and always had a VERY short temper and been verbally abusive. I could write a whole another thread on him.


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Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
I can guess the reasoning as to why your father has retracted his offer to help you. I have a sibling nearing his 50th birthday, who still lives with my parents and feels entitled to support because he has refused to become a responsible adult. Everytime he has issues, he expects them to bail him out and they've enabled him. This has been going on for decades. I have a feeling that there is more to your story and your history with your father, hence his hesitancy to help you. You're an adult, you bore a child and you have a husband. You made adult decisions and this is where it has gotten you and now you need to face and own your choices.

I understand you are upset that he has retracted his offer but your anger is misplaced. Placing your expectations on others is a recipe for disappointment. The only person you can depend on is yourself -- in that sense you need to remove your sense of entitlement and expectation and works towards finding and achieving your own independence. You keep complaining about everyone under the sun -- but yourself. There is a reason why you are where you are -- you didn't just end up in a bad situation.

I don't callously say those things because I've had it extremely hard since I was wee bit kid and over 4 decades later, I'm finally living a comfortable life. It was a very long and painful journey, but I am proud to say I did it all on my own. You're 31 -- time to grow up.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 7:33 AM   #32
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I'd lime to point out if I had made promises to my dad and broken them. He'd verbally abusive me, for sure.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 7:45 AM   #33
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My father was the same kind of man, likely worse in that he was physically abusive as well. But I never asked him for any sort of help after I moved out to the city at 19. I found my own way. Even when I was living in the city and had no money to buy food, I pushed through without his help. Iíd rather starve than hear his abuse.

If your father are all those things, then 1) you should not expect his help 2) you should not ask for his help 3) you should expect that someone like him may not be reliable.

Again, you are quick to point out his negatives but you have no issues feeling entitled and having these expectations that he support you.

You really need to find your own independence. Thereís a reason why you are in this situation. Itís because of the bad choices YOU have made. In that sense, itís your responsibility and only yours to fix them.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 7:57 AM   #34
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I fully admit that I've stuffed up and take responsibility for that. I just cant stand his BRAGGING about not taking us and BLATANT LYING.
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My father was the same kind of man, likely worse in that he was physically abusive as well. But I never asked him for any sort of help after I moved out to the city at 19. I found my own way. Even when I was living in the city and had no money to buy food, I pushed through without his help. Iíd rather starve than hear his abuse.

If your father are all those things, then 1) you should not expect his help 2) you should not ask for his help 3) you should expect that someone like him may not be reliable.

Again, you are quick to point out his negatives but you have no issues feeling entitled and having these expectations that he support you.

You really need to find your own independence. Thereís a reason why you are in this situation. Itís because of the bad choices YOU have made. In that sense, itís your responsibility and only yours to fix them.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 7:59 AM   #35
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I've been trying everything to fix this situation and I can't stand the 24/7 fighting with my husband. Still struggling financially but he doesn't want me to get another job. I've really been suicidal.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 1:21 PM   #36
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I've been trying everything to fix this situation and I can't stand the 24/7 fighting with my husband. Still struggling financially but he doesn't want me to get another job. I've really been suicidal.
Then get another job. What is he going to do?
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Old 3rd October 2018, 8:12 PM   #37
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OP, I haven't heard you talk at all about your kid...the real victim in all this. ...Not you.

How do you think you're kid is holding up while she/he is away from you?

How do you think he/she feels and will feel about being taken away from his/her mom?

All this complaining about how you've been wronged but not one sentence about how your actions have effected your child

Why did you have a kid when you weren't financially stable enough to provide for him/her? Not well enough to keep custody of him/her? Not mature enough to think of him/her above your own needs?

This is really sad. I feel terrible for your kid. The damage that has been done to your child is really unfortunate.

And we all know children don't get taken away from their mothers unless they've experienced abuse or neglect at the hands of their mom. So...you're not fooling anyone here...
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Old 4th October 2018, 3:52 AM   #38
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Well, dis, I doubt the child even knows who his/her mother is. Probably a blessing.
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Old 4th October 2018, 4:11 PM   #39
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op,I will craft a response to you, but I'm going to warn you you won't like it and it may well make you very angry. This being said, if you choose to read it, please give it thought before you dismiss it.


I don't understand why you feel so entitled to what you parents have. You mentioned they had a couple of inheritances and used them for themselves rather than given the money to you. You sound as if you are honestly shocked that they didn't just fork it over.


Madam, you are a 30 something year old parent and yet you can't live on your own? Really? why? you say it's because of money, but if you two cna't keep a roof over your heads with the income you have, then why are you both not looking elsewhere for work?


Meanwhile, your daughter has been taken from you, and for a child to be taken from her mom, there pretty much always has to be some sort of serious abuse or neglect going on. Was your in laws caring for your daughter something mandated by the state, or did you place her there on your own?



btw, even if your dad had forked over a wallet full of money, it would just be a band aid. You need more permanent solutions,and those start with you. If you are having mental health issues, find a lower cost care provider, and a support group can be really helpful in the meantime. Look into government funded job retraining programs, and Australia also has a well funded support program for low income working families. here are at least three organizations in your country that provide free or low cost support for women ( and men) coping with post natal depression/psychosis ( e.g.- PANDA )and https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/postnatal-depression has lots more information.
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Old 4th October 2018, 5:32 PM   #40
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I'd lime to point out if I had made promises to my dad and broken them. He'd verbally abusive me, for sure.
If he is such a tyrant, why do you keep him in your life? Is it just so that you can hopefully access his money?
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Old 6th October 2018, 11:59 AM   #41
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I haven't talked about my daughter because its painful too. And she isn't the problem.

By the time I found out I was pregnant it was too late to consider options, but keeping her.


Even when I did have severe post natal depression, I would NEVER abuse or neglect her. Plus my in laws were too controlling to leave me alone with my child.

I was sick of being threatened and verbally abused by their controlling daughter. So I went to stay at my parents. They didn't like that and made huge promises and used my husband to get me to come back. Soon after that, while living with they filed for custody.

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Originally Posted by Disillusionment373 View Post
OP, I haven't heard you talk at all about your kid...the real victim in all this. ...Not you.

How do you think you're kid is holding up while she/he is away from you?

How do you think he/she feels and will feel about being taken away from his/her mom?

All this complaining about how you've been wronged but not one sentence about how your actions have effected your child

Why did you have a kid when you weren't financially stable enough to provide for him/her? Not well enough to keep custody of him/her? Not mature enough to think of him/her above your own needs?

This is really sad. I feel terrible for your kid. The damage that has been done to your child is really unfortunate.

And we all know children don't get taken away from their mothers unless they've experienced abuse or neglect at the hands of their mom. So...you're not fooling anyone here...
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Old 6th October 2018, 12:00 PM   #42
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I guess because we stupidly want to see the good in people, especially those who are close family.
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If he is such a tyrant, why do you keep him in your life? Is it just so that you can hopefully access his money?
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Old 6th October 2018, 12:05 PM   #43
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I am actually living on my own.

I only expected them tooo because that's what they promised.

I don't know why you think its ok for my dad to lie about helping us. He'll expect me to do the same when he's elderly!

If you bother to read my threads you'll know I never abused or neglected my child. Plus they're controlling and never allowed me to be alone with my child. Even though I would absolutely never would hurt or neglect my child. You've never met me, so how would you know?

They blindsided me and filed for custody while I was living with them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
op,I will craft a response to you, but I'm going to warn you you won't like it and it may well make you very angry. This being said, if you choose to read it, please give it thought before you dismiss it.


I don't understand why you feel so entitled to what you parents have. You mentioned they had a couple of inheritances and used them for themselves rather than given the money to you. You sound as if you are honestly shocked that they didn't just fork it over.


Madam, you are a 30 something year old parent and yet you can't live on your own? Really? why? you say it's because of money, but if you two cna't keep a roof over your heads with the income you have, then why are you both not looking elsewhere for work?


Meanwhile, your daughter has been taken from you, and for a child to be taken from her mom, there pretty much always has to be some sort of serious abuse or neglect going on. Was your in laws caring for your daughter something mandated by the state, or did you place her there on your own?



btw, even if your dad had forked over a wallet full of money, it would just be a band aid. You need more permanent solutions,and those start with you. If you are having mental health issues, find a lower cost care provider, and a support group can be really helpful in the meantime. Look into government funded job retraining programs, and Australia also has a well funded support program for low income working families. here are at least three organizations in your country that provide free or low cost support for women ( and men) coping with post natal depression/psychosis ( e.g.- PANDA )and https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/postnatal-depression has lots more information.
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Old 6th October 2018, 12:25 PM   #44
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I haven't talked about my daughter because its painful too. And she isn't the problem.

By the time I found out I was pregnant it was too late to consider options, but keeping her.

Nonsense. I remember your thread where you talked about your pregnancy. You found out you were pregnant at 14 weeks minus one month - so that's 9-10 weeks, LONG before the legal abortion limit in any state in Australia. You "couldn't decide what to do". Eventually your excuses for "the decision being taken out of your hands" was "counselling didn't help me decide" and then "my MIL made me keep it".


You made every single decision that has led to where you are today. You just refuse to take ownership of any of them. Do you lie to yourself the way you are lying to us in this post? If you believe your own lies, obviously you're always going to be the victim.



The real victim in all of this is your poor daughter. I hope she at least manages to rise out of the ****show that she was born into.
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Old 6th October 2018, 10:02 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by Sugarkane View Post

I don't know why you think its ok for my dad to lie about helping us. He'll expect me to do the same when he's elderly!

If you bother to read my threads you'll know I never abused or neglected my child. Plus they're controlling and never allowed me to be alone with my child. Even though I would absolutely never would hurt or neglect my child. You've never met me, so how would you know?

They blindsided me and filed for custody while I was living with them.


Well, you don't have to do a thing for your father when he's elderly if you don't want/can't afford to.

You're the biological parent. How did someone, anyone else, file for custody of YOUR child?! Do you not know your rights? Why are you being 'controlled' and 'not allowed' to do things? You are an adult, correct?
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