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Husband- Stepson Issue Justified?


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Old 1st August 2018, 11:43 PM   #1
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Husband- Stepson Issue Justified?

My adult stepson (35 married no kids) recently lost his job. I helped him find one on the west Coast he found one in the Midwest both require relocation. The one I helped him land is a promotion into a higher title in a Fortune 50 with lists of room to move up as well as move to the east coast which is stepson and his wife’s preferred location. Stepson and I are in the same industry he received an offer from my company first and signed the contract. After signing, he got an offer from the Midwest company, close offers but Midwest isn’t even in Fortune 500 and hasn’t turned a profit in years and just closed all its international offices and has a huge Attrition rate and no career progression. He called me to discuss and told him I thought west coast job had more opportunities and he should think hard on it. He kept throwing out reasons why his wife preferred the Midwest role, closer to east coast, easier to find a teaching job (that seems to be false etc) so I asked stepson if his wife has a job and that was no longer an obstacle which job would he prefer? He flipped out and told me to stop taking pot shots at his wife! (What!!) Then he reneges on the signed contract with my company a week before relo and takes the Midwest job.

He blocked me on iMessage and told his Dad I insulted his wife. Not true but to keep family harmony I sent him an “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings blah blah) no respobseresponse. Tried again. No response. Sent flowers to stepson and wife saying sorry again. No acknowledgement. H called him, he refused to acknowledge my apologies, was hostile. Said he’d “think” about if he will communicate again with me when “he sees us happy and in love. We are happy and wtf does that have to do with it?!?agre

My H agrees stepsons behaviour is rude an inappropriate but won’t bring him up on it because “he’s defensive. His suggestion is that I “wait it out for stepson to come around and accept me back in the family!!” I asked how long will that be? He said hard to say.

This guy is totally got a chip on his shoulder and a huge sense of entitlement.
I m being emotionally abused I think and my H big plan is to wait it out a complete of months to see if he “comes around. I’ve reabhed a point of incredulity that my H wants me to put up with the hostility to me and his completely ignoring me until he comes around.
I feel like my husband is asking me to put up with emotional abuse from his adult son for an indefinite period until he regains his manners I feel like my H is endorsing emotional abuse and I want nothing to do with Stepson. Am I being unreasonable?
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Old 2nd August 2018, 1:16 AM   #2
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Am I being unreasonable?
From my POV, not unreasonable so much as overreacting.

Your stepson is a jerk, but that's honestly your H's problem. You can avoid drama simply by cutting contact with him until and unless he acts appropriately. It's not "abuse" if there's no interaction so I wouldn't make this more than it is...

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Old 2nd August 2018, 7:36 AM   #3
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You now know Stepson's true colors. Never help him again & avoid him at all costs but do not prohibit your husband from maintaining the relationship. You pretend like he doesn't exist & that should end it. If he doesn't exist & you don't engage, he can't abuse you, now can he?
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Old 2nd August 2018, 8:33 AM   #4
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I think it's good you sent him a couple of texts trying to work things out. But I think sending flowers is a bit much, as you didn't really do anything wrong.
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Old 2nd August 2018, 8:53 AM   #5
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....skip
nevermind
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Last edited by PRW; 2nd August 2018 at 8:55 AM..
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Old 2nd August 2018, 9:00 AM   #6
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I think it's good you sent him a couple of texts trying to work things out. But I think sending flowers is a bit much, as you didn't really do anything wrong.
Just wanted to add that while it's good that you're giving him advice, you shouldn't be arguing with his decision.
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Old 2nd August 2018, 9:12 AM   #7
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From my POV, not unreasonable so much as overreacting.

Your stepson is a jerk, but that's honestly your H's problem. You can avoid drama simply by cutting contact with him until and unless he acts appropriately. It's not "abuse" if there's no interaction so I wouldn't make this more than it is...

Mr. Lucky
Thank you! I needed perspective! I wish H would actually set some boundaries.
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Old 2nd August 2018, 9:20 AM   #8
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You now know Stepson's true colors. Never help him again & avoid him at all costs but do not prohibit your husband from maintaining the relationship. You pretend like he doesn't exist & that should end it. If he doesn't exist & you don't engage, he can't abuse you, now can he?
That’s exactly how I feel but I don’t want to cause friction between father and son. Also how could I do that at family gatherings without it being a sour note for everyone in attendance ?
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Old 2nd August 2018, 9:23 AM   #9
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You now know Stepson's true colors. Never help him again & avoid him at all costs but do not prohibit your husband from maintaining the relationship. You pretend like he doesn't exist & that should end it. If he doesn't exist & you don't engage, he can't abuse you, now can he?
Forgot to add I’m pretty miffed stepson dented my sterling professional reputation at a job I spent +15 years at as a VP and I endorsed him with contacts in the company ( One of America’s top 2 telephone companies!)
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Old 2nd August 2018, 2:59 PM   #10
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You have every right to be miffed. All you can do is apologize (quietly & verbally, not in writing) to anybody who you think represents a bridge you burned. Just say something vague like "I know it was unprofessional of him to back out after signing the contract but to him the other offer was superior. I hope this doesn't change our relationship."


At family gatherings you take the high road. You great him but don't interact with him. He gets a hello & you wander off. You sit at the other end of the table. You change the subject. You grit your teeth & maybe shoot a few pointed visual daggers at DH that proverbially scream get me out of this, dear but you say nothing.
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Old 2nd August 2018, 3:12 PM   #11
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The guy has the right to take a job wherever he wants to take a job and it is nobody's business but his own. I commend the guy for taking a less "valuable" offer that the Step-Mother wanted him to in favor of what he and his significant other would rather want to do. Cudos for standing up for himself. Now maybe he took the choice he did because his chick wanted it,...but at least she's the one he is going to bed with and not the Step-Mother.
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Old 2nd August 2018, 4:26 PM   #12
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The guy has the right to take a job wherever he wants to take a job and it is nobody's business but his own. I commend the guy for taking a less "valuable" offer that the Step-Mother wanted him to in favor of what he and his significant other would rather want to do. Cudos for standing up for himself. Now maybe he took the choice he did because his chick wanted it,...but at least she's the one he is going to bed with and not the Step-Mother.
True but he got the one job because his step mother, the OP, stuck her neck out. He then SIGNED A CONTRACT with her company & thereafter breached that contract making her look like a fool for recommending him. That is where the problem lies. If he just picked one over the other, no harm no foul. But to make a mockery of her reputation & then get all pissy at her oh hell no.
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Old 2nd August 2018, 4:50 PM   #13
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True but he got the one job because his step mother, the OP, stuck her neck out. He then SIGNED A CONTRACT with her company & thereafter breached that contract making her look like a fool for recommending him. That is where the problem lies. If he just picked one over the other, no harm no foul. But to make a mockery of her reputation & then get all pissy at her oh hell no.
Breaching the contract in this case may not be as big a deal actually. I’m not sure if the contract requires him to pay a “penalty” for not fulfilling its terms. I’ve personally witnessed a few such cases in which the employers waived those penalties. If you’re a good organization, there shouldn’t be a shortage of good candidates, so the last thing you want is for someone to join you reluctantly.
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Old 2nd August 2018, 5:24 PM   #14
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[My adult stepson...has] totally got a chip on his shoulder and a huge sense of entitlement...
I m being emotionally abused
it appears this is a continuation of some long simmering issues and HE (your husbands son) 'walked away'.
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Old 2nd August 2018, 6:10 PM   #15
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Cudos for standing up for himself.
If this is your version of "standing up for himself", hate to see how you define acting out.

When you accept a favor from someone, especially a family member, you do so with full knowledge of the obligations that go along with it. If you invite me as a guest to your company's ritzy Christmas party, I'm not going to get drunk and throw up on the VP of Finance. If I plan a trip with my in-laws, I'm not going to back out after they've purchased tickets because I'm offered a more attractive vacation.

It's called maturity...

Mr. Lucky

Last edited by Mr. Lucky; 2nd August 2018 at 6:13 PM..
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