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At the end of my rope after 22 years but stuck


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I'm going to do some venting here and I would greatly appreciate any advice from anyone who has been through similar with a spouse. Mostly I just want to get this out.

 

My wife and I have been married 22 years now. I've not been happy for the vast majority of that time. There are lots of reasons, she wasn't the person I thought she was shortly after we got married. I've not cheated on her or so much as held the hand of another woman in all these years. She had an emotional affair with another man about ten years ago that she says wasn't physical but I doubt that. I was actually relieved when I thought she might leave, even though I was hurt.

 

I hate fighting, my parents did that to me when I was a kid and I don't want to do that to our two kids (14 and 17) yet it always seems like she is boiling for a fight. She has major depression issues, pain issues, and other health problems. That's no longer an excuse for how she acts towards me and at times towards our kids.

 

Everything is a fight. she asks for things constantly always wanting money. We have money, but we live on a budget. she doesn't work, i work 15 hours a day at three jobs to support our family. She stays home and won't cook, clean, have sex, or do anything but complain about how much help she needs and how she needs this or that.

 

I budget the money to give her cash to spend each month because she says she shouldn't have to ask for money. I try to make her understand we are on a budget and when we are out of money, we are out. It's not me trying to prevent her from getting something or being mean to her. Her response is always "well than give me more" despite that I give her all the money I can. I feel like she is a terrible third child. If our kids acted like that I would force them into counseling. She goes to counseling, it doesn't help. In one of her lucid moments of reflection decades ago she admitted she doesn't tell them the truth in counseling because she is afraid they will lock her away in a mental hospital.

 

She's says multiple times per month "I need more clothes, mine don't fit" or "We are out of Dr. Pepper, go get more" or something similar no matter if she has spent all her money or if we spent all our grocery money. She literally has things in the closet she never wore. She says they make her look fat and needs new stuff. I give her hundreds of dollars per month for her to spend as she wants. She blows through it all on this pottery stuff she collects and then wants more money for clothes, or shampoo, or drinks, or eating out. When i say no she blows up and we end up in a fight.

 

The most recent issue came this month when she wanted to go visit family several states away. I told her that was fine, she had $600 I had given her for fuel, food, and shopping. She spent a bunch of it before she left on things like pottery and eating out with our kids. She then decided it was fair since she would be gone to take some of the grocery money (25% of it) and all her gas money for the entire month with her.

 

I told her repeatedly that was a bad idea, she would be gone for a week or two at most and would have the entire next 2 weeks before I got paid again and we would have more money. She took it anyway. I told her we still had to go two more weeks on the grocery money, she didn't care and took it anyway.

 

She spent every penny of that money on the trip, then called me on the way home and said she didn't have enough money for gas and would use the credit card, which is maxed out again now after I paid it off last month. then she gets home and within five minutes is griping at me about not having any food in the house and not having enough soft drinks for the next week or so until I get paid and what is she supposed to do for gas until I get paid for her appointments. i told her I bought what we could afford with the money I had.

 

I reminded her I told her this would happen if she took all the money with her and spent it early. Her response was for me to just give her more that she wasn't going to be stuck in the house for an entire week with no drinks or gas. Last night knowing that we have no money left, we've argued about it at least two times in the last few days, she again asked for money for new outfits. I didn't want to get yelled at so I told her to just use my credit card, but to not spend much because I have to have that for gas to do my job. (I drive my own car for work and they reimburse me later for expenses so I have to go all month on the credit card and then pay it off each month).

 

She immediately asked "how much can i spend" I told her I didn't really know, I have no idea what my paycheck will be at this point, just to please not spend much. she yelled "why can't you just give me a straight answer" I said because I don't know how much my check will be. She yelled at me for a few minutes about never giving her straight answers and if I would we wouldn't have these problems. She then told me I made her life living hell.

 

I blew up at that point and yelled "F You!" You life is a living hell?!F You!" I go out of my way to not loose my temper to the point of allowing her to walk all over me, but I can't hold it in anymore. the last time I felt like this was for similar reason, about a year ago.

 

I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore, we weren't getting anywhere and turned to walk away. She ran up behind me had shoved me so hard I fell into the wall and my back was sore for two days. I lost it then and told her i wanted a divorce that I put up with enough mental abuse and would not put up with physical. I told her that if I had run up and pushed her like that I could go to jail for domestic violence, that it wasn't "just a little push" or "not that big of a deal" as she was saying. When she realized I was serious, she started threatening to kill herself and ended up in the behavioral center for a three day non-voluntary hold.

 

She swore it would get better after that, all things I've heard before. Nothing changed. she was miraculously not suicidal after three days. It's not the first time she has threatened to kill herself in subtle ways like "I wouldn't survive without you" or "If you weren't here I would die" sometimes the outright "just tell the kids when I am gone that I moved away" always when i'm at the end of my rope and say i want out.

 

shes gone so far as to tell me if she ever dies she doesn't want me to get remarried or date anyone else. I'm a prisoner, a hostage to a hateful woman that knows no feeling other than rage and anger. I don't know what to do. I've traded literally half my adult life and my happiness for not having to tell my kids their mom killed herself because I couldn't take it anymore.

 

I want out of this relationship, I'm just afraid of what she will do to herself. being happy and with a woman that loves me, wants me physically and emotionally and not just for money, in a happy relationship seems like a daydream to me like winning the lottery. I'm so jealous of the people I see who are happy, who have spouses that go and do things with them. That understand money is limited. Spouses that want intimacy, we've literally had sex twice in the last decade and both times she was angry at having it and telling me to hurry.

 

I haven't asked in years, yet she is angry that I never hold her or give her attention. I'm always waiting for the next blow up. For her to get mad because of the tone of my voice, the way I hold my face or eyes when I talk to her. She reminds me of my brothers pitbull, you never know when he will let you pet him or when he will bite, so I don't go near that dog. Why would I want to "give her attention" when I worry the whole time about what will set her off.

 

Long, rambling, sorry. I'm lost and hopeless and terrified of what my life will be when my kids are gone. I don't want to die and most certainly would never kill myself, but that seems to be the only way to get away from her and I have another 40 years if I'm lucky before that day.

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It sounds like she needs a job. Have you told her to get one?

 

repeatedly, her response has been the same since 2000, "you know I can't work."

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somanymistakes

This situation is NOT OKAY. Don't allow yourself to have such low expectations of life that you sit there forever letting her drain your soul. You deserve better.

 

Leaving will be hard, but it will at least allow for change and things to get better. Staying isn't going to make things better, only worse.

 

(She does have feelings other than hate or anger, it's just that her relationship to you has been poisoned over time. It's too late now for counseling to fix it, the old pathways will keep reinforcing themselves. You both need to get away from each other in order to heal.)

 

Check your local laws on whether you're allowed one-party consent for recording - you need the protection, both in case she assaults you and in case she panics and lies that you assaulted her.

 

Set out a plan, calmly and rationally. Write it down, so that you're less tempted to deviate from it when she yells at you and panics. Unless you are sincerely concerned that she will do you serious physical injury, don't do a cut and run, don't blindside her by taking everything and leaving. You want to avoid doing any big shocks that will push her to be crazy. But DO consider both your and her safety at every stage. When you tell her your plan, have your phone ready to call for help if you need it, have your recorders ready if you need them.

 

You probably want to separate first, to ease out of the marriage and give her time to get used to the idea of you not being around. Tell her when you're going to do what, and stick to it.

 

You are not responsible for her choices. You are only responsible for your own. Sticking around while she abuses you isn't helping her, it's enabling her. If she chooses to harm herself, that is her choice and not yours. Obviously, you don't want to do anything that might deliberately push her over the edge - don't abandon her overnight, don't challenge her to hurt herself, don't tell her that she should hurt herself, don't dare her to do it, don't say "you would never really....". And if she makes suicidal actions, take them seriously and call for help immediately. That's being responsible, that's what a good person and a friend does.

 

But you can't be responsible for every minute of her life.

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Do speak to a lawyer about the financial side of a divorce. If she has never worked during your 22 year marriage you will end up having to pay her rehabilitative alimony but you may be able to get that reduced based on an amount of income that can be attributed to her. If she really can't work, does she get disability of any sort? I guess my point is why can't she work? You will also have to pay child support.

 

Have you ever sat down with pen & paper or a spread sheet & done the numbers with her so she sees what is coming in vs. what she thinks can go out? Can you sell some of the pottery, too small clothes & other junk she buys to have some more money? Have you ever done some retirement calculations with her? With only your income & thus only your social security, retirement will not be pretty for you if it's even possible if she stays on this spendy path.

 

Some how you have to get this woman to wake up to the economic realities of our lives.

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As far as your wife hurting herself, I will point out that she can do that today, with the marriage intact. Marriages do not stop people from hurting themselves.

 

I am not a divorce advocate. But you have seen enough here. Start considering your options and pick the best ones. Your wife is not even a good roommate.

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somanymistakes

He may have to pay alimony and child support if they divorce, but at least then there'll be a LIMIT on how much money she can take from him in a month, as opposed to being able to drain everything from him when his back is turned. (Also, the kids are teenagers, so child support won't be forever)

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Coming from one that had a long existence with a spoiled and entitled spouse lawyer up restart your life.

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Everything is a fight. she asks for things constantly always wanting money. We have money, but we live on a budget. she doesn't work, i work 15 hours a day at three jobs to support our family. She stays home and won't cook, clean, have sex, or do anything but complain about how much help she needs and how she needs this or that.

 

I budget the money to give her cash to spend each month because she says she shouldn't have to ask for money. I try to make her understand we are on a budget and when we are out of money, we are out. It's not me trying to prevent her from getting something or being mean to her. Her response is always "well than give me more" despite that I give her all the money I can. I feel like she is a terrible third child. If our kids acted like that I would force them into counseling.

 

Has your wife never worked? I'll only observe your wife may act like a child because your relationship seems set-up, rightly or wrongly, to treat her like one. I don't "give" my wife money, she has the same access to our funds that I do. If your wife can't function along those partnership lines, it makes sense to consider separation and divorce...

 

Mr. Lucky

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georgia girl

Please get out for your kids. It just kills me when I see spouses doing this. You think you are the only one she’s abusing? By your own admission, you don’t like to argue and only confront when you absolutely have to. Do you honestly think she is not abusive to your own children? That they don’t need you to stick up for them?

 

I have a family member who did this - avoided conflict with his mean, abusive wife - and everyone thought he was just a poor, nice guy who got taken advantage of. Then one day, his kids spoke up about how they had lost all respect for their father because he never stood up for either himself or them! By this time, they were in their 20’s, having escaped home and weren’t ever planning to go back. They got out and they were staying out. The parents were wondering why they wouldn’t even come for a visit at Christmas. It broke my heart. The dad wasn’t a bad guy - just so conflict avoidant that he didn’t want to see the damage to the kids. Ultimately, two of the four kids have a limited relationship with their dad - but he lies about even seeing them because the mom is so angry that she’s cut them all off.

 

Don’t be this guy. Stop and observe if your kids are being abused, too. If so, do what you have to do to protect your kids. They are your responsibility and they need the adults in their lives to stand up for and protect them.

 

Sorry. I am really passionate about this.

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Has your wife never worked? I'll only observe your wife may act like a child because your relationship seems set-up, rightly or wrongly, to treat her like one. I don't "give" my wife money, she has the same access to our funds that I do. If your wife can't function along those partnership lines, it makes sense to consider separation and divorce...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I say give only because I give us each some money out of the account each month to buy things and do things without asking, that was at her direct request and I thought it would be nice for me to not have to ask or feel guilty as well. She has access to all the funds, she has copies of the budget, she just doesn't care when the money isn't there and either expects me to make some materialize, give her mine, or not pay a bill to give her what she wants.She often blows through "her" money (which is to say money allotted in our budget for whatever she wants) and then uses her budgeted gas money or our debit card for things without asking. Asking as in we are down to the dollar in the budget and if she spends $10, I have to put that in from somewhere else.When she runs out of gas money she lays into me about needing to give her more gas money that she is always running out. I tell her I can see what she spends that gas money on, she has her own checking account for that because I have to keep her money separate from bill money. I know she is using half of it to pay people via pay pal for Rae Dunn stuff. I also have my own separate checking account because if I didn't take the money allotted to me out, it always got spent.

 

She says she wants to do the money, I don't trust her to do it. I tired that years back and she spent literally everything we had and despite all my work I couldn't even buy socks.

 

Someone else asked if she worked and disabiltiy, yes a little when we first met before kids. She would keep a job a few months and find some reason to quit. She stopped working when our son was born saying that she would stay home with him until school age, I argued against it because I made much much less money then and we had tens of dollars left after paying bills without her working. I wanted her to go back to work as soon as he could go to daycare, she refused. She hasn't held a job since 2001 by her choice not mine. She hasn't worked enough to qualify for disability via SSI, we tried that.

 

I'm in our basement now, she is upstairs crying demanding that I tell her what to tell our kids as a reason I moved to the downstairs spare bedroom. I didn't talk to her about it, I just said I don't know. I just can't fight with her anymore. Sometimes I just want to cry, take my kids and disappear. I'm always the bad guy, always the one causing her to feel bad or sad. she wants to be a victim so badly to justify her actions.

 

I tell myself all the time that I'm not responsible for her if she hurts herself, but I can't bear putting that kind of pain on my kids. My brother died in an accident a few years ago and that was literally the hardest thing I've ever been through and I'll never be the same. I can't imagine knowing your mom wanted to die more than she wanted you, what that would do to them. I've even thought about cheating on her and getting caught so she would leave me, I just don't have it in me to do that.

 

She can't afford to live on her own, I can't afford to pay rent and bills here and get another place. I don't care if I have to pay her alamoney. I will always take care of my kids, child support or whatever is a non issue. i guess I'm stuck in the basement.

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Please get out for your kids. It just kills me when I see spouses doing this. You think you are the only one she’s abusing? By your own admission, you don’t like to argue and only confront when you absolutely have to. Do you honestly think she is not abusive to your own children? That they don’t need you to stick up for them?

 

I have a family member who did this - avoided conflict with his mean, abusive wife - and everyone thought he was just a poor, nice guy who got taken advantage of. Then one day, his kids spoke up about how they had lost all respect for their father because he never stood up for either himself or them! By this time, they were in their 20’s, having escaped home and weren’t ever planning to go back. They got out and they were staying out. The parents were wondering why they wouldn’t even come for a visit at Christmas. It broke my heart. The dad wasn’t a bad guy - just so conflict avoidant that he didn’t want to see the damage to the kids. Ultimately, two of the four kids have a limited relationship with their dad - but he lies about even seeing them because the mom is so angry that she’s cut them all off.

 

Don’t be this guy. Stop and observe if your kids are being abused, too. If so, do what you have to do to protect your kids. They are your responsibility and they need the adults in their lives to stand up for and protect them.

 

Sorry. I am really passionate about this.

 

this is my greatest fear, I'm afraid they will grow up and never come back. It kills me inside. and she is not as bad with them but she is short and angry so often with them. our son rarely comes out of his room, my daughter only does for a while. sometimes my wife is nice, but its only ever long enough for me to think there is hope and then it stops.

 

She also wants to move back to Texas, she says she will be happier there. She said she would be happier here in Colorado and we moved here two years ago after deciding it was the right thing for the family and it was initially my idea, but she was on board. i work so much there is no hope of a vacation and we never did anything back home but movies and eat out. My kids and I love it here and don't want to go back. we hike, bike, off-road, and have fun. she refuses to join us in anything, it's always just me and the kids. mostly my daughter, my son has Asperger syndrome and doesn't like to do much of anything around strangers, but I always try to get him to go and sometimes he does.

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She can't afford to live on her own, I can't afford to pay rent and bills here and get another place. I don't care if I have to pay her alamoney. I will always take care of my kids, child support or whatever is a non issue. i guess I'm stuck in the basement.

 

Nothing wrong with a pity party - as long as it's temporary. Every spouse caught in the seemingly hopeless wheels of a struggling marriage has felt the exact same way.

 

You have kids depending on you to provide solutions and leadership. Each of the issues listed above is surmountable as long as you keep your head up and eyes forward.

 

Keep posting, many here with many miles in your shoes...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Someone else asked if she worked and disabiltiy, yes a little when we first met before kids. She would keep a job a few months and find some reason to quit. She stopped working when our son was born saying that she would stay home with him until school age. I wanted her to go back to work as soon as he could go to daycare, she refused. She hasn't held a job since 2001 by her choice not mine.

 

She can't afford to live on her own, I can't afford to pay rent and bills.

 

I've heard this before. My boyfriend lived this experience with his now ex-wife. He moved into the basement for a while and the lawyers had to force her out of the house. He bought her out of the house, and paid her spousal and child support for years. It's been six years now since they separated and she is still not working. She complained to him last week that she lives below the poverty line... which makes her unhappy but not enough to to get a job! He has a provision in his will that if anything happens to him, his son can live with his mother in the home (because it's in his son's best interest)... But, when his son turns 18, the house belongs to him and he can decide if she stays in the home or not.

 

It was funny when we started dating, because people would ask him about me and he would tell them that I was kind, that I had a good heart, and I had a good JOB! It made me laugh, that this was something he would speak of proudly. But, finances and the fact that she refused to work during their marriage were a big part of why it ended.

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I've heard this before. My boyfriend lived this experience with his now ex-wife. He moved into the basement for a while and the lawyers had to force her out of the house. He bought her out of the house, and paid her spousal and child support for years. It's been six years now since they separated and she is still not working. She complained to him last week that she lives below the poverty line... which makes her unhappy but not enough to to get a job! He has a provision in his will that if anything happens to him, his son can live with his mother in the home (because it's in his son's best interest)... But, when his son turns 18, the house belongs to him and he can decide if she stays in the home or not.

 

It was funny when we started dating, because people would ask him about me and he would tell them that I was kind, that I had a good heart, and I had a good JOB! It made me laugh, that this was something he would speak of proudly. But, finances and the fact that she refused to work during their marriage were a big part of why it ended.

 

If she wasn't so mean so much of the time working wouldn't even be that big a deal. It's that she doesn't do anything that is so bothersome while being mean.

 

I don't know how to talk to her about this, she has been sitting up stairs huffy and crying all day while i am in and out working (I work from home 3 days per week). she wants to talk and I want this resolved, but history says talking to her now while she is still sitting around crying and I am angry won't result in anything but yelling and fighting. She honestly thinks this is all me. I'm certainly not perfect by any means, but I'm not the attacker. Sometimes I'm nearly convinced I am insane and she is the only one who sees it.

 

She's the only person in my life that sees me as hell on earth or mean or spiteful. She once asked me why argue back or yell back when she gets like that. I just get tired of being so maligned sometimes. Is there any truth to my long held belief that if you act like an a-hole, that's how you get treated? Am I wrong for finally defending myself some days? I fear that something is wrong with me and everyone else is just too nice to tell me. Do people in my situation feel like that?

 

How should I approach talking to her so it's not all accusations, screaming, and hearing how I lured her to Colorado to leave her (she has said this many times over the last few years)? I feel like just saying nothing for a few days and staying in the extra room, but I don't want this to fester or get lazy and just let it go again. What do I say to my kids? I hate lying, but I have just told them mom gets up to much and I can't sleep in there.

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repeatedly, her response has been the same since 2000, "you know I can't work."

 

Then a budget has to be set and followed. You control the purse strings. You'd be surprised to know after people are put on a budget they are all of a sudden able to work. Stop being so easy on her.

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I'm sorry, perhaps I missed this... But, have you been to marriage counselling? I would think that this discussion should be had with a mediator - a marriage counsellor who can help you to unravel the issues and learn to communicate without tears and accusations.

 

I will say, the fact that you think she is mean to you... Would you consider her behavior to be emotionally abusive and manipulative? Because, that's what it sounds like to me.

 

That was most definitely the situation for my boyfriend. When we started to date, little things would come up that he would tip-toe around and he would be genuinely shocked when I would not get upset. He was always waiting for a blow-up. It looked to me, like he had experienced some significant trauma from his marriage and he was so appreciative of the fact that I did not treat him the way his ex-wife would have in the past. The comment that made me e most sad for him - "I'm so excited for my son to see me in a healthy relationship, where both partners love each other, laugh together, and support each other, because he has never seen that before. I'm so excited that I will be able to show him that now..."

 

Don't underestimate the effect this relationship is having on you or your children. If you haven't done so already, I would be calling an individual and a marriage counsellor...

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Just know that most people who threaten to harm themselves don't. Those that want to really harm themselves, keep it to themselves and do it.

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Yes please file... for divorce as quickly as you can.

 

And guess what, she is most likely still having an affair, or she would not treat you this way.

 

Not that it really matters anyway, you are not having sex with her.

 

Dude, please find your balls, reattach and file for divorce....

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I'm sorry, perhaps I missed this... But, have you been to marriage counselling? I would think that this discussion should be had with a mediator - a marriage counsellor who can help you to unravel the issues and learn to communicate without tears and accusations.

 

I will say, the fact that you think she is mean to you... Would you consider her behavior to be emotionally abusive and manipulative? Because, that's what it sounds like to me.

 

That was most definitely the situation for my boyfriend. When we started to date, little things would come up that he would tip-toe around and he would be genuinely shocked when I would not get upset. He was always waiting for a blow-up. It looked to me, like he had experienced some significant trauma from his marriage and he was so appreciative of the fact that I did not treat him the way his ex-wife would have in the past. The comment that made me e most sad for him - "I'm so excited for my son to see me in a healthy relationship, where both partners love each other, laugh together, and support each other, because he has never seen that before. I'm so excited that I will be able to show him that now..."

 

Don't underestimate the effect this relationship is having on you or your children. If you haven't done so already, I would be calling an individual and a marriage counsellor...

 

We have been to marriage counseling multiple times over the years. For many of those years I begged her to go with me and she refused saying I needed to go that she was fine and that she sees a counselor (for her depression issues).

 

The last time we went was several months ago. She got mad at me over something, i don't remember the specifics at this point, but it had to do with money and me "giving her no affection". When the counselor didn't take her side like she expected we never went back. In past visits when I would tell the truth about what went on she would lose it the second we were in the car and yell at me about telling the counselor that stuff. It made things worse. It was like she was only there because she truly thought they would say I was the problem, and I had my issues, but the big stuff was her.

 

I went with her to a marriage counselor in 1999-200 before our son was born. We talked about this stuff, she was more lucid than normal. At the time she was insanely jealous because she wouldn't let me sleep in the same room as her and an attractive woman at work was nice to me.This was one of the few times she worked, it lasted about 5 months, and we worked in the same place. She was convinced I was sleeping with this woman, I was not, but she thought I was lying. We worked in the same department and were often paired up for inventory counts and such. This was at the same time where the wife forced me to sell a Mustang that was paid for and that I absolutely loved to get a more fuel efficient car because I drove a lot for work.

 

I finally relented and traded it for a ford escort. The day after my wife went berserk because it wasn't fair that I got a new car and she didn't. SHE forced me to trade my car, I didn't even want to. We ended up with another car, but green just like the one I didn't want to buy because that "was only fair."

 

The first session with that counselor I asked to see her alone, the wife wanted to know why after things didn't fall on her side. I lied and told her I needed help with coping with my concentration issues. I really wanted to talk to the counselor about her, the attractive woman at work and the wife's accusations, and the car situation. After explaining basically what I have said here the counselor said that our relationship was abusive and she felt like she needed to toughen me up so I would leave. About a month after we ended up moving back home to a different city at the wife's request.

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Just know that most people who threaten to harm themselves don't. Those that want to really harm themselves, keep it to themselves and do it.

 

I read that before, but it's hard to believe when you are in it. She came to me six months or so ago after we had been fighting and hadn't talked for a day or so and told me she had a plan in her phone to kill herself. I asked to see it and she said she deleted it. I thought it was just another of those subtle "ill kill myself" threats she makes each time she thinks i have finally had enough. I'm expecting one now honestly.

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We have been to marriage counseling multiple times over the years. For many of those years I begged her to go with me and she refused saying I needed to go that she was fine and that she sees a counselor (for her depression issues).

 

The last time we went was several months ago. She got mad at me over something, i don't remember the specifics at this point, but it had to do with money and me "giving her no affection". When the counselor didn't take her side like she expected we never went back. In past visits when I would tell the truth about what went on she would lose it the second we were in the car and yell at me about telling the counselor that stuff. It made things worse. It was like she was only there because she truly thought they would say I was the problem, and I had my issues, but the big stuff was her.

 

I went with her to a marriage counselor in 1999-200 before our son was born. We talked about this stuff, she was more lucid than normal. At the time she was insanely jealous because she wouldn't let me sleep in the same room as her and an attractive woman at work was nice to me.This was one of the few times she worked, it lasted about 5 months, and we worked in the same place. She was convinced I was sleeping with this woman, I was not, but she thought I was lying. We worked in the same department and were often paired up for inventory counts and such. This was at the same time where the wife forced me to sell a Mustang that was paid for and that I absolutely loved to get a more fuel efficient car because I drove a lot for work.

 

I finally relented and traded it for a ford escort. The day after my wife went berserk because it wasn't fair that I got a new car and she didn't. SHE forced me to trade my car, I didn't even want to. We ended up with another car, but green just like the one I didn't want to buy because that "was only fair."

 

The first session with that counselor I asked to see her alone, the wife wanted to know why after things didn't fall on her side. I lied and told her I needed help with coping with my concentration issues. I really wanted to talk to the counselor about her, the attractive woman at work and the wife's accusations, and the car situation. After explaining basically what I have said here the counselor said that our relationship was abusive and she felt like she needed to toughen me up so I would leave. About a month after we ended up moving back home to a different city at the wife's request.

 

My friend, why do you stay in this emotionally abusive relationship. Seriously, I know it will be costly to leave... but, it would be worth any cost to be free of this woman. This is completely unacceptable.

 

Your poor children... the harm that she, that you both have done because you have stayed and tolerated this abuse, will do to your children... Get out now and focus on giving your children a happy and stable home (for at least the time that they spend with you).

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I have lived with some of this... and just so you know, you are foolish to have stayed this long.

 

You will never fix her, and in fact, you are probably enabling her.

 

My ex did not work a day while married to me because she was "Sick" (read as drug addict with severe mental issues)

 

Funny enough, she managed to get a job when I divorced her, imagine that.

 

And the suicide thing, yeah, if she want to she won't tell you, that is a fact.

 

It is to get attention. I told my once, OK get busy living or get busy dying, it is your choice.

 

You need to divorce, yesterday, and then after it is over, you will kick yourself for years trying to figure out why you stayed.

 

Just do it...

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My friend, why do you stay in this emotionally abusive relationship. Seriously, I know it will be costly to leave... but, it would be worth any cost to be free of this woman. This is completely unacceptable.

 

Your poor children... the harm that she, that you both have done because you have stayed and tolerated this abuse, will do to your children... Get out now and focus on giving your children a happy and stable home (for at least the time that they spend with you).

 

I don't know how to do it though. How do I respond when she asks me what she is supposed to do. I care for her, I don't want her to be homeless. I can't leave due to financial issues, I can't throw her out. I have no friends or family close I can stay with or that she can stay with. So what do people do in this situation? She isn't going to work to support herself, I have no doubts on that point.

 

How do i handle the inevitable move back to Texas because her family is there and it's cheaper for her to live argument? Not one part of me wants to go back to that place. My daughter doesn't want to leave, my son is indifferent. But kids are kids and I know they need two parents there for them, even if she can be mean at times and I want them to have that. I also worry that the court might take them away from me, she said before the courts always rule for the women and they often do.

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I don't know how to do it though. How do I respond when she asks me what she is supposed to do. I care for her, I don't want her to be homeless. I can't leave due to financial issues, I can't throw her out.

 

She isn't going to work to support herself, I have no doubts on that point.

 

How do i handle the inevitable move back to Texas because her family is there and it's cheaper for her to live argument? Not one part of me wants to go back to that place. My daughter doesn't want to leave, my son is indifferent.

 

But kids are kids and I know they need two parents there for them, even if she can be mean at times and I want them to have that.

 

I also worry that the court might take them away from me, she said before the courts always rule for the women and they often do.

 

You most certainly can throw her out, and you should. As I told you, my boyfriend renegotiated the mortgage and he bought her out of the house. She had no choice but to leave.

 

You need a good lawyer, someone who knows the law. For goodness sake man - DO NOT RELY ON YOUR WIFE for a legal opinion. When did she get her law degree? She would more than likely not be able to move back to Texas, because she could not take the children. She couldn't even afford the moving expenses! The courts do not side with the mother, you would get shared custody. The judge in my boyfriends case told his delinquent ex-wife to GET A JOB - he most definitely did not side with the mother!

 

If she doesn't want to work to support herself, that is her decision. It is not your responsibility to keep her financially afloat for life. When my boyfriends ex-wife tried to emotionally manipulate him last week by telling him that she lived below the poverty line, his response was "So sad for you. If you don't like it, get a job!"

 

My boyfriends ex-wife tried to manipulate him by threatening self-harm. He got to the point where he could not tolerate her abuse anymore and had to say - enough! They don't communicate, only by text about their child. He has put firm boundaries in place, because she does not respect healthy boundaries and she continues to try and guilt/manipulate him. If she asks him what she should do about something... He tells her to figure it out!

 

What she is doing to you is not ok! You think your children are better for staying with their emotionally abusive, manipulative, and depressive mother... Dude. Wake up! The damage that she is doing to those children! I can tell you, because my boyfriends son has started saying that he prefers to stay with his dad and he is currently suffering health problems because of the stress he experiences when he is with his mother. His saving grace is the fact that he has a place he can go, where he has a calm, stable and structured home environment... What are you teaching your children by staying - that it is ok to treat another person this way? That it is ok to allow someone else to abuse, threaten, and manipulate them?

 

You need to talk to a lawyer. Learn your rights related to custody. Learn the financial implications for leaving. And then make a plan.

 

I have such respect for my boyfriend... Sometimes, I wonder why he stayed so long. But, seeing posts like this make me realize that he was really strong - he knew that what she was doing was wrong, and he had the strength to stand up for himself and leave. I hope you find the same strength within you.

 

I think, like my boyfriend, you won't realize how much she is affecting your happiness until you truly get away from her...

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