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Marriage and Finances: Importance of Equals


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Can anyone explain to me how I can get over my fear of being economically dependent on a man, enough to be married?

 

 

I've paid off student loans, car payments, and bought and sold my own home, under the age of 35. I lived at home in my 20s because my parents didn't want me to pay rent, and I was putting myself through school.

 

 

 

I see other women who allow men to care for them. I don't usually see that working out so well.

 

 

 

I've always enjoyed working. I would like to get married at some point in my life.

 

 

I don't understand how either a man or woman can stay in a marriage and continue to have sex with a spouse when they don't want to (duty sex), strictly for finances or because they are not financially independent.

 

 

 

I have a cousin who got married when she was 5 months pregnant. Her daughter just graduated high school. My cousin has been waiting more than 18 years to get a divorce. She has a college education, too. Her husband is 10 years older, and he doesn't have a college degree.

 

 

 

On the other hand, my older sister got married in 1996 to a man her own age. She has a graduate degree. Her husband has a college degree. They're both okay with her staying home and not having a job even though she doesn't have kids.

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Sure - just keep working and growing, and you won't become dependent. Besides, you can also not marry, and simply cohabitate with someone who would be marriageable otherwise, avoiding even the implied dependency of marriage.

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I was financially independent before marriage. DH & I got a prenup because there were assets to protect especially on my side. Done right, a pre-nup forces financial disclosures but more importantly it makes you both talk about expectations.

 

In my 10 year marriage I never lost my independence. Since I am self employed with a wide variation in my earnings from year to year & month to month, his steady income has enabled me to smooth out the peaks & valleys but my income earned in large chunks maybe just once per year enables us to have the extras, new cars great vacations, a 2nd home etc. In the years like this one, when my earnings are off, the luxuries are foregone.

 

 

It's more of a safety net rather than a dependence. If DH & I divorced, we'd both be OK financially, not as good as we are together but all the necessities would be covered on both sides.

 

The issues are a bit different when you bring children into the picture. If you want to be a SAHM, then he will be the only bread winner. However as work evolves there are more flexible opportunities out there, including being self employed so you have to figure out what works best for your family. You need to recognize that taking care of the house & kids is your contribution. You are not dependent; you are providing services he'd have to pay for if you weren't married -- laundry, meal prep, child care etc.

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Sounds like you are on a solid financially responsible path.

 

I don't understand why you would have a fear of being economically dependent on a man. If you do marry you continue working, making your own money, putting money away for savings and retirement, and stay fully involved in the financial decisions and situation of your partnership.

 

Some married people keep their finances separate and just pay half (or whatever percentage you agree on) of all the shared expenses (rent or mortgage, utilities, etc.).

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Your question is an odd one.

 

Why would you ever need to get over the fear of being economically dependent on a man? Anybody should be afraid of being economically dependent on anyone else.

 

Edit: except for children

Edited by Veronica73
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I am financially independent. I own my own car, home, and have many investments. I will soon be moving in with my boyfriend... he owns his own home, has investments, etc... We plan to get a pre-nup.

 

Neither of us will be dependent on the other. However, when we pool our resources, we will be very comfortable.

 

 

Nothing makes me more sad than seeing a woman (or man) stay in an unhappy marriage because they are financially dependant on their partner, or because they somehow feel that it is in the best interest of the children.

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I don't understand how either a man or woman can stay in a marriage and continue to have sex with a spouse when they don't want to (duty sex), strictly for finances or because they are not financially independent.

 

Lifestyle and social power. Secondarily, the known versus the unknown. IME, this is in play regardless of financial independence. For some it tips in favor of the status quo. Obviously, with the divorce rate as high as it is, there are plenty of people who have no problem splitting up.

 

The longer, the harder, IME with long-marrieds. By long I mean silver and over. Decades. I've been close enough to some marriages to experience stuff no way I would have lived with in mine. Yet they do. Different strokes.

 

Can anyone explain to me how I can get over my fear of being economically dependent on a man, enough to be married?

 

Economic independence helps, then qualify, then try, then trust, all over time.

 

Back before I was born, my mom had long worked and supported herself and, when dating, made more than my father did, and continued to after they were married. In time, though, his career advanced and that changed and about five years later, when they decided to have kids (me) they made the choice for her to be a SAHM since dad could easily support the family at that point. She did, never went back to a paying job other than part time later in life for fun money, and was 'dependent' until he died decades later. He was 'dependent' on her, too, as household manager, to maximize the value of his earnings. They were a team, interdependent. That's what a healthy marriage is, interdependence.

 

Different times, different people. Perhaps that doesn't really work anymore, IDK.

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My husband and I have always maintained our own sources of income. This was even easier to do since we never procreated. Not because we don't trust each other. But because it just makes good sense.

 

For example, we've each experienced health problems that required hospitalization with lengthy recovery periods. Besides the physical chores that still have to be performed at our home, especially since we rescue felines, the extra income, regardless of insurance protection, makes life so much more bearable. :)

 

That said, I really don't think both spouses should both have occupations because they harbor doubts about their future together. If you mistrust each other so much, it would be wise to simply maintain an unmarried relationship with each other to avoid such distressful thoughts.

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I think interdependence is fine. But to feel completely dependent on someone as an adult... no. Just no. And that doesn’t mean you have to contribute financially. But I think every adult human being should know and be confident to the best of their knowledge at that time, that whatever comes, they can do what is necessary to provide for and protect themrselves and their dependents. Being a woman doesn’t exempt you from that responsibility, even if you are married to a high-earning male and he is willing to provide for you. What if something happens to him through no fault of his own? You will need to step up and take care of you all. That is being an adult and equal partner as far as I’m concerned.

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georgia girl

My husband and I are both financially independent for different reasons. He was in a past relationship where resources were pooled and ultimately squandered by one party (not him) and the result was some very lean years after working so hard to enjoy financial reward. I should point out that he was never financially unstable, just lost resources and had since recovered when we met. For me, I graduated from college with an amazing amount of debt, worked tirelessly to pay it off and climb the corporate ladder. When we got married, I was a CEO.

 

Because there was some income disparity - I make a little more - he was very conscious about paying his own way and not taking more than his share. In return, I felt very strongly that we were family and we shared our resources equally.

 

Our solution was to pool our expenses and some of our resources, leaving a portion of discretionary money for each of us independently of each other. This, the bills get paid, renovations, trips, savings, etc., get paid out of family funds. On the backside, we each have our own discretionary funds to do with whatever we want. It was the perfect compromise - allowing us to be a family while maintaining a little financial control and independence from each other.

 

As we have gone along this transition of marriage, I can honestly say we tend to do more and more pooled funds and less independent funds just because the natural course of marriage is that your lives get more and more blended into one life. There really isn’t a separation anymore between what we each make or any focus on what we each contribute. It’s our money. Would we both be fine financially without the other? Absolutely. So maybe that makes it easier to simply see it as ours vs. mine or his. I remember when I first got engaged and married, I felt like money talk was a bit awkward because of the differences in our salaries and the fact that we both wanted to be overly generous to the other.

Now, having been married awhile, there doesn’t seem to be much, if any, separation between his money and my money. It’s simply what our family has.

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Lotsgoingon

Just marry a guy who likes independent women. There are a lot of men like that out there.

 

This is a fear ... and it seems out of proportion to who you are.

 

I don't see how you would lose your independence unless you married a real loser ... and even then, if you're awake, you'll stop the loser from destroying things ...

 

So you will want at least co-control over the family finances or maybe you want to run the family finances ... There are plenty of couples where the woman is the main money person ... keeps the budget, keeps track of spending ... Maybe you will want to be that person in a relationship.

 

I know two women who are the money people in their families. Both went through rocky periods in their marriages ... right around the same time ... and as their friend, I asked each ... worse comes to worst, do you have access to the bank accounts? Do you where all the accounts are, etc.? Both told me not only did they know and control all the accounts ... they both said their husbands were basically oblivious to this information.

 

Just make sure you marry a guy who wants to go 50-50 on financial control ... and even one who is fine with you be the budget leader of the family. Seems like that will calm your nerves.

 

As someone who is not the most organized person in the world, I'm definitely fine with co-setting goals with a spouse and then letting that spouse control things ... with me of course, taking occasional looks ... and I'd want statements ... so I know she isn't sending money away off shore in preparation for leaving me!

 

Of course, I'd want to take the lead on some other household item in return.

 

Just marry the right guy!

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Out of curiosity, why do you assume that just because one partner is financially supporting the other, the other person must definitely not enjoy being with that person or enjoy having sex with them, and must certainly only be doing it for the financial security? It feels like a bit of a leap, kinda like assuming that any man who's with a beautiful woman is only after a trophy wife and doesn't care about her as a person.

 

I personally think that it's a good idea for a couple to have two people capable of earning income if needed. **** happens, people get laid off, get into accidents, etc, and if that person is the sole breadwinner and the other partner has ZERO work experience and zero marketable skills, you're in for many years of hell.

 

That being said, it's not really any of my business how others choose to structure their relationships, so I wouldn't judge them for it. Many of my older relatives were in extremely traditional marriages where the woman never worked outside of the home, and many were happy together til their deathbeds. It's really just up to the couple.

 

I don't see why you would be so afraid of losing your financial independence. It's entirely up to you whether you do or not. Getting married doesn't change things. Having kids might, but even then you could just make sure you're on even ground with your partner re: childcare arrangements before having them.

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Further to Elswyth's point, why do you assume, considering that you are currently financially independent and supporting yourself, that you would become financially dependent when you enter a relationship?

 

It is entirely up to you if you do/don't maintain your financial independence.

 

Many have clearly demonstrated that it's very possible to marry, but still be financially independent and protect your assets.

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Out of curiosity, why do you assume that just because one partner is financially supporting the other, the other person must definitely not enjoy being with that person or enjoy having sex with them, and must certainly only be doing it for the financial security? It feels like a bit of a leap, kinda like assuming that any man who's with a beautiful woman is only after a trophy wife and doesn't care about her as a person.

 

Amen. We have four kids so there were long stretches of time where my wife didn't work outside the home. But rather than her being "dependent" on me, we were partners in the endeavor of creating a family and a life together. She actually handled the finances for most of that time because she had a better handle on budget and needs.

 

And any time I got on my high-horse and thought I was working and she wasn't, I had only to spend a few days at home while she traveled and/or took a break. I couldn't wait to get back to the office so I could relax!

 

Mr. Lucky

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It's their lives. What difference does it make to you? If you're that bothered, I'd say you were jealous and not very happy in your relationship or marriage (if you have one). You certainly don't sound very satisfied with your accomplishments even though you say you are. You'll be tested in your own way eventually. If you are ever called upon to leave your boyfriend or your husband or you experience financial difficulties and turmoil in your life, and you are financially sound and independent, you'll realize why it paid off all along. Right now, you may have angst and be irritable with the way others live their lives because you don't see how it's affecting you personally and it doesn't sound like you've been tested. Their lives are not your problem.

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She has a graduate degree. Her husband has a college degree. They're both okay with her staying home and not having a job even though she doesn't have kids.

 

This is similar to my situation. I worked for a bit during the marriage but we both decided our lives run better if I stay home and tend to the home. TBH I do get a bit worried about not working but I never really made good money anyway despite having a masters.

 

I do enjoy the traditional housewife role and always have something to keep me busy. Marriage is a risk whether you work or not.

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RecentChange

You know, this had never crossed my mind. I have relayed the story about how my father (raised me as a single dad for the most part) told me when I was about 10 years old "never expect a man to take care of you".

 

And I never have.... but that doesn't mean I was at any time fearful that if I got in a relationship, or married, that I would for some reason have no choice but to become dependent.

 

I currently earn well over double what my husband earns, definitely not dependent on him financially. But there have been times when I was making less and he was making more.

 

Its OUR money, we make major decisions jointly, our marriage is a partnership, its not about one being dependent upon the other.

 

Also, why do you assume that a man would make more than you? With the education gap closing, so has the wage gap for most professional women.

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BettyDraper
This is similar to my situation. I worked for a bit during the marriage but we both decided our lives run better if I stay home and tend to the home. TBH I do get a bit worried about not working but I never really made good money anyway despite having a masters.

 

I do enjoy the traditional housewife role and always have something to keep me busy. Marriage is a risk whether you work or not.

 

We have a similar situation. Both of us are happier now that I am a housewife.

I'm taking online classes to complete my B.A so that I can be more marketable should I ever need to return to work.

 

I believe that housewives should have savings and investments in our own names. Marriage does not offer any guarantees.

In addition to my savings, I invest a small amount every month in an ETF. I will increase the amount that I invest each year.

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At best, I've only been able to do very limited work (or no work at all) because I care for our disabled child. This means that both the kids and myself are fully dependant on my husband for financial support.

 

Rather than the doom and gloom expressed in the initial post, I'm extremely grateful that I have a wonderful, loving partner who's able to look after us.

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I was financially independent before marriage. DH & I got a prenup because there were assets to protect especially on my side. Done right, a pre-nup forces financial disclosures but more importantly it makes you both talk about expectations.

 

In my 10 year marriage I never lost my independence. Since I am self employed with a wide variation in my earnings from year to year & month to month, his steady income has enabled me to smooth out the peaks & valleys but my income earned in large chunks maybe just once per year enables us to have the extras, new cars great vacations, a 2nd home etc. In the years like this one, when my earnings are off, the luxuries are foregone.

 

 

It's more of a safety net rather than a dependence. If DH & I divorced, we'd both be OK financially, not as good as we are together but all the necessities would be covered on both sides.

 

The issues are a bit different when you bring children into the picture. If you want to be a SAHM, then he will be the only bread winner. However as work evolves there are more flexible opportunities out there, including being self employed so you have to figure out what works best for your family. You need to recognize that taking care of the house & kids is your contribution. You are not dependent; you are providing services he'd have to pay for if you weren't married -- laundry, meal prep, child care etc.

 

 

Providing services that he would have to pay for? Why? The men I've dated have lived independently, as I have, and we don't have in-home help we pay providing services. Most people are perfectly capable of doing those things for themselves.

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At best, I've only been able to do very limited work (or no work at all) because I care for our disabled child. This means that both the kids and myself are fully dependant on my husband for financial support.

 

Rather than the doom and gloom expressed in the initial post, I'm extremely grateful that I have a wonderful, loving partner who's able to look after us.

 

 

This is fantastic!

 

 

It wouldn't be fantastic if you were having duty sex and staying in the marriage because you have to. That's what I'm referring to.

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I think if you keep working you will not be dependent in a marriage. I agree with you personally and I always thought that in principle it is dangerous for a woman not to stand on her own two feet. But these days you have no reason not to.

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It simply becomes a different equation when kids are in the mix. It's no longer about the two of you and your needs, goals and wishes, there's someone(s) who depends on you for a lot more than financial support.

 

You start fewer sentences with "I" and a lot more with "we"...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Providing services that he would have to pay for? Why? The men I've dated have lived independently, as I have, and we don't have in-home help we pay providing services. Most people are perfectly capable of doing those things for themselves.

 

 

No one is saying that you have to. The poster you quoted was saying that the stay-at-home-parent is saving the family money that they would otherwise have spent outsourcing childcare etc.

 

 

I don't really understand your argument here. EVERYONE has said that it is entirely up to you what sort of financial arrangement you choose with a partner, and it is most certainly possible to have a 50/50 one. The issue some people are taking with you is that you're negatively judging OTHER people who make different decisions that are frankly none of your business.

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