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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 22nd July 2018, 3:35 PM   #1
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Comments about other women

I'm not a jealous wife, I just want a husband who treats me with respect. Is it too much to ask a husband not to oogle other women in his wife's presence? I don't care if he stares, just don't do it intentionally in front of me to provoke jealousy.


Here are examples of what my husband says to me (after I've repeatedly asked him to keep his locker room talk to himself or his buddies).


Did ya hear that reporter who made a comment about that olympian being a "tasty piece of ass?". The reporter never said "tasty", he said "hot". Yes I read about it, don't care to discuss it, doesn't interest me.


Scantily clad woman on tv walks into a kitchen "WOW NICE APARTMENT!" (laughs). Then says "I felt uncomfortable knowing you might think I'm oogling her so I cracked a joke". My reply "Don't toot your own horn, I was more interested in the male character with his shirt off but unlike you, I keep those thoughts to myself".


Yea my buddy married this woman that the rest of our friends took turns "f**king her in the ass". We warned him not to marry her! I said "Well were you one of the gang bang?".... "Oh no, I just heard about it".


Girl jogging down the street "Honey, you better get over on the sidewalk". I told him it was not cool to address other women (especially as strangers) as Honey.


I guess he enjoys pushing my buttons. I try not to react but he thinks I'm just jealous.


I am far from jealous, I get disgusted and repulsed seeing my husband talk like a cad.


After repeated requests to stop saying crap like that in front of me, I decided everytime he can't keep his trap shut and says a rude comment about another woman, I withdraw $200 out of our joint checking account. (I have my own seperate accounts).


I have begun making comments back to him, firetruck goes by... "WOW, check out the hot firemen, big hoses, I mean the shiney nice firetruck".


Funny how he can dish it out but can't take it. Men will be men but it's such a huge turnoff to me when my own husband forgets I'm his wife and thinks I'm an old army buddy and says inappropriate remarks about women, intentionally, to make me jealous.


Being married to this man has not been easy either. He has ED so we have NO sex life. You'd think he would be more worried about me wanting other men since I'm still young and have needs.


Why do men say stupid things like this in front of their wives or girlfriends? I find it disrespectful. And it makes me look at my husband with disgust. It's damaging our marriage, which has been hard from the beginning.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 6:36 PM   #2
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Okay so to your first example, I'm not sure that was a sign of disrespect. If that was a current story in your local news I see no problem in your husband bringing it up for casual discussion.

To your second example is it possible there is some truth to what he said? Have you made this such an issue that your husband now feels stressed every time an attractive is seen by both of you?

Example 4 - who knows?

Example 5 - I agree with you. Its not appropriate for him to call strangers honey. Its not just disrespectful towards you, its also demeaning to the person he is addressing.

Okay so overall I think your husband does need to be more mindful of your feelings and take what you say more seriously. However since you have resorted to theft of your marital funds and acting the same as your husband you have no moral high ground here. I suggest you stop stealing money from your joint account and instead book an appointment with a marriage counselor.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 7:07 PM   #3
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Being married to this man has not been easy either. He has ED so we have NO sex life. You'd think he would be more worried about me wanting other men since I'm still young and have needs.
In the newspaper business, this is called "burying the lead". You've put what should be the headline deep in the article.

It's amazing how, when the sexlife is good, many of these smaller problems melt away. You're obviously resentful as would be most people in similar circumstances. Has your H sought treatment for his ED? What conversations have you had with him about it?

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Old 22nd July 2018, 7:28 PM   #4
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In the newspaper business, this is called "burying the lead". You've put what should be the headline deep in the article.
Absolutely agree!

Men make stupid comments like this all the time... For the most part, it’s like water off a ducks back. But, there is a line... and when they cross the line and show no remorse or consideration for your feelings... or when other things are not good in your relationship, it becomes harder to ignore these little comments.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 8:25 PM   #5
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The marital funds are basically all of my salary. I work full-time, my husband has his own business and works part-time. I've provided for us while he "gets his business off the ground". I don't call it stealing when it's money I have earned. He is lucky I agreed to a joint checking account as he spends $100 on a fish tank and thinks it's nothing.


In a nutshell, my husband withholds affection and intimacy from me because he has ED. He could do a million other things to try and show affection but since he can't get it up, he withholds all affection. Yet when he sees an attractive woman he makes it known to me blatantly. It hurts. I feel rejected enough going without a sexual relationship.


Yes he has tried viagra, injections - which nothing happens at all. This is why it bothers me so much when he comments about other women, makes me think he prefers the unattainable.


Thanks everyone for your responses.

Last edited by SunGenie; 22nd July 2018 at 8:35 PM..
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Old 23rd July 2018, 12:52 AM   #6
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Yes he has tried viagra, injections - which nothing happens at all. This is why it bothers me so much when he comments about other women, makes me think he prefers the unattainable.


Thanks everyone for your responses.

Absent nerve damage, significant injury or paralysis, I've never heard of untreatable ED. Have you gone with him to these Dr appointments? If he's a fairly young man, something doesn't add up...

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Old 23rd July 2018, 1:52 AM   #7
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In addition to the complexities added by ED, there appears to be a communication problem as well. If you both want the relationship to last, there needs to be better communication. Couples counseling could be extremely helpful, if you're both receptive to allowing a trained professional provide a game plan. I received services through the YWCA, and was impressed (they are also ridiculously cheap, if cost is an issue). Keep in mind that both you and your husband must both want it to work, and both be willing to accept responsibility for making changes. If either of you only blames the other and takes no responsibility, there isn't much point...

https://www.ywca.org/

I would think that if he knows what he says hurts you, he would stop. Have you been direct with him? Have you said "We need to have a talk.", and had a serious talk about this? What I've read implies hinting but not directly telling him what is bothering you, and what needs to change. Given how important this is, I would not assume he understands the problem, until you've had a serious talk.
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Old 24th July 2018, 8:59 AM   #8
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I personally like it when my H treats me like his friend & IMO honey, sweetheart, ext...doesn’t bother me bc men say things like that to me in a non sexual way all the time. May I ask, do you get attention from other men?

In personal experience,I see women that tend to get looks & attention from other men usually don’t get upset when their H looks or says something bc they’re used to it...& or women that grow up around a lot of men & themselves understand it’s just them talking.

It sounds like his ED has made you insecure, which is a tough spot but that may be the reason you have a more just friendship based relationship. I hope He eventually gets the fix he needs & hopefully get better for you. I think without the physical it’s understandable a marriage would have a different dynamic.
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Old 24th July 2018, 9:59 AM   #9
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why are you with him? masochism?
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Old 24th July 2018, 4:16 PM   #10
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Seriously every one of those comments would tick me off ... and I'm a man and a man who doesn't expect a partner to shut her eyes to good-looking men.

There is a way to note the beauty of other women while also affirming your wife's beauty ... and this guy ain't got a clue about it.

In fact, I find his comments about women more obnoxious than offensive. Obnoxious because they are gratuitous and aren't even funny or witty. His comments are basically immature, high-school, brain-dead ... the thinking and reactions of someone who has nothing else going on in his life.

And ... then you mention ED ... as in the dude can't have sex with you ...

And ... you are the breadwinner and he works part-time in a business you don't sound convinced is even a serious business.

Relationships can survive ED and many other health conditions--if the partners treat each other really well on in multiple areas. If this guy knew how to nurture you and treat you well and respect you, you could possibly look past the ED.

Here's a question: Does your hubby give you long, sensual massages and tender touching--things can do even with ED?

Followup question: at this point, do you even want this guy to touch you sensually and sexually?

Seriously, he's immature, he lives off you ... he's disrespectful of you ... he's immature and obnoxious in being disrespectful to you ... he doesn't give you physical affection.

Why are you with this guy again? Probably because you're embarrassed about how bad he is. So you keep trying to wake yourself up from this nightmare.

When can you schedule a meeting with the divorce attorney?
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Old 27th July 2018, 7:32 AM   #11
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I personally like it when my H treats me like his friend & IMO honey, sweetheart, ext...doesn’t bother me bc men say things like that to me in a non sexual way all the time. May I ask, do you get attention from other men?
Yeah, in some ways, I can agree with this. He's "letting you in" like he would a close male friend, because, like it or not, that's how men often talk around other men. It may mean he views you as his "inner circle", that's often how men talk when they are around others that they trust. He should still tone it down, there's a line between "your my friend" and "I'm saying things that are going to trigger you". The easiest example of this, guys often call each other "gay" or "a fag", but, when you're with a gay man, you don't say things like this, you are sensitive to the fact that there are people who will be hurt by your comments, which your H should be, even though he wants to bring you into his "inner circle" there are things that just aren't said to women.

To the ED issue, something is going on here. Especially if he's tried injections?? Those don't have a "failure rate" absent major physical issues. It's like taping popsicle sticks to your penis, it's gonna make it stand up. I would dig in on this, especially if you weren't there, I've never heard of this "not working". How old is he? Any major health issues?
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Old 27th July 2018, 9:59 AM   #12
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In personal experience,I see women that tend to get looks & attention from other men usually don’t get upset when their H looks or says something bc they’re used to it...& or women that grow up around a lot of men & themselves understand it’s just them talking.
Personally, I completely disagree, which may speak to different cultures to geographical areas or whatever. But when I was married, if my husband had said those things I would have felt completely disrespected. Plus I would have been “Who the eff did I marry?” I should be his queen, (and I treated him the same way). Plus I didn’t think I married a man who has nothing more interesting to say about women than what he thinks about how they look. This guy sounds like 16 year old boy trying to impress the cool guys he admires or something. Yuck. And I had no shortage of attention from men, whatsoever. But for someone I actually married, I’d expect better of him.

He sounds pathetic.
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Old 27th July 2018, 10:14 AM   #13
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Lotsgoingon, Overtaxed and Veronica hit all the pertinent issues, in my view.

He's being hurtful and disrespectful to you.
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Old 27th July 2018, 1:27 PM   #14
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Personally, I completely disagree, which may speak to different cultures to geographical areas or whatever. But when I was married, if my husband had said those things I would have felt completely disrespected. Plus I would have been “Who the eff did I marry?” I should be his queen, (and I treated him the same way). Plus I didn’t think I married a man who has nothing more interesting to say about women than what he thinks about how they look. This guy sounds like 16 year old boy trying to impress the cool guys he admires or something. Yuck. And I had no shortage of attention from men, whatsoever. But for someone I actually married, I’d expect better of him.

He sounds pathetic.
I look At what you just said as on of the reasons men lie so much to their wives. Other people outside one’s marriage are attractive, it’s extremely ridiculous to think that any spouse is never going to think another is attractive. I would Ask “who did I marry“ of a man that had to pretend he never looked at another woman bc I’d know he’d be lying.

I live in America, east coast city & all my friends are happily married, attractive, successful women that this sort of thing doeant bother. Lol my friends & I are actually the one’s that point out a hot woman before our husbands! We appreciate good looking people! It’s a little funny locker room talk.
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Old 27th July 2018, 1:39 PM   #15
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Yeah, in some ways, I can agree with this. He's "letting you in" like he would a close male friend, because, like it or not, that's how men often talk around other men. It may mean he views you as his "inner circle", that's often how men talk when they are around others that they trust. He should still tone it down, there's a line between "your my friend" and "I'm saying things that are going to trigger you". The easiest example of this, guys often call each other "gay" or "a fag", but, when you're with a gay man, you don't say things like this, you are sensitive to the fact that there are people who will be hurt by your comments, which your H should be, even though he wants to bring you into his "inner circle" there are things that just aren't said to women.

To the ED issue, something is going on here. Especially if he's tried injections?? Those don't have a "failure rate" absent major physical issues. It's like taping popsicle sticks to your penis, it's gonna make it stand up. I would dig in on this, especially if you weren't there, I've never heard of this "not working". How old is he? Any major health issues?
You’re right! I’ve always been in the inner guy circle. I had so many males in my family & brothers then add their friends around all the tome...it’s extremely natural to me...& I agree it’s nice as a woman for men to let me “in” bc they do trust me. After all these years, I’ve learned just accept men for being men.

Which i think is going in here. He has ED & since they haven’t been sexually active...he’s looking at her more as just a friend than a wife. I think if they were having sex, either he wouldn’t be talking this way or it wouldn’t bother her so much.
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