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Is it Rape?

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 18th July 2018, 1:07 PM   #16
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Which is absolutely fine if both of you are happy with it. This is something couples need to talk about so they don't accidentally transgress because of different expectations.

Some people get really handsy while they themselves are asleep, too, and that's also something they need to warn partners about if they know about it.

Communication, communication, communication.
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Old 18th July 2018, 1:38 PM   #17
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One way to look at this is that he tried to initiate a sexual encounter with you, hoping you would wake up. You did not, and he stopped. If his intentions were sinister, it could/would have progressed much farther.

I won't answer whether if I feel its an assault. It's not up to me to decide.

Last edited by Doorstopper; 18th July 2018 at 1:42 PM..
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Old 19th July 2018, 12:11 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
Sometimes the best label for things is "bad sex".
I think this best sums things up. And what are the characteristics of bad sex? Selfishness, poor communication, preconceptions and a lack of awareness, all present here in mass quantities.

Doesn't seem like it would be that hard to talk this out. And if the OP's husband won't listen, doesn't seem like it would be that hard to make decisions from there. YMMV...

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Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

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Old 19th July 2018, 8:56 PM   #19
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I would agree with posters who suggest you talk to your husband.

Before you do, I would advise you to get your thoughts organized so that you can get them all out and in the open. Explain your discomfort to him and also why you feel that way without accusing him. Give him a chance to express his views, and hopefully, the two of you can come up with boundaries that will work for both of you in the future.

If he is dismissive of your feelings or if he refuses to respect your views, that could be a point for serious concern. It's not just the act itself that's the issue, it would be the lack of respect for you.
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Old 21st July 2018, 7:46 PM   #20
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I was sexually assaulted when I was younger 3x and I told him about it. I thought he would be more sensitive when it comes to sexual stuff. But Im still in disbelief that he did that while I was vulnerable, drunk and passed out.
In this case, you have a right to feel violated. It's one thing to be asleep (chances are you're gonna wake up) but it's whole other thing when you're drunk and passed out, in a coma like sleep. You won't wake up to touch, let alone him fingering you.

What he did was wrong, knowing your past and how vulnerable you were, he should not have done that. Now he knows it was wrong and he won't do it again.

Talk it out and set some ground rules. If he wants to fool around with you and wake you up, there are other ways, gently rubbing your back and stroking your hair so when you wake up you won't feel invaded.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 10:06 AM   #21
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You touched him when he couldn't consent and he touched you when you couldn't consent. Just set ground rules moving forward, but it isn't rape unless you admit you did that to him too.
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