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Husband STILL brings up ex girlfriend's name 15 years later!!


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Old 17th July 2018, 12:10 PM   #1
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Husband STILL brings up ex girlfriend's name 15 years later!!

I've known H for 14 years. Prior to meeting me he was in a serious relationship with a girl in his 20s, he asked her to marry him, she said no, they eventually broke it off. Yet they still dated on and off into their early 30s. he met me when he was 36. Ever since I've known him, he would always randomly drop her name into a conversation. "Oh Jen and I used to go to that restaurant" or "That shirt was a gift from Jen's father" or "When I lived with Jen...". They were Facebook friends and she would send him private messages on his birthday that simply said "Happy Birthday". Don't know why that couldn't be public! He would always seem to call her when I went out of town for a week, but they never met up because either she didn't answer or he would cancel after coming to his senses. Even a few days before our wedding she sent him a message after they had run into a few weeks earlier "I can't believe you're getting married. I was hoping to start seeing you again!" WTF!!

I have never met this woman but I sure feel like I know everything about her! Well she met someone a few years ago and I can see via her Facebook page that they are still together. She is no longer Facebook friends with H and I don't think he realizes that because he goes just this past weekend "Oh I haven't heard from Jen on Facebook in a long time. She must either be really happy with this guy or really unhappy". Why the HELL did you bring up her name?! She deleted you as a friend because she has finally moved on, yet you just can't understand why she hasn't contacted you!

How would he like it if I kept randomly bringing up the name of a guy I dated? Does he want to hear "Oh I remember when Jason took me here" or "I still have that gift Jason gave me"?!
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Old 17th July 2018, 12:20 PM   #2
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How would he like it if I kept randomly bringing up the name of a guy I dated? Does he want to hear "Oh I remember when Jason took me here" or "I still have that gift Jason gave me"?!
Well, you could try this. It may take a few times, but eventually he will ask you about Jason… then you could diplomatically address that perhaps both Jason and Jen should walk hand in hand into the ancient past where they both firmly belong...
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Old 17th July 2018, 2:32 PM   #3
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Does he know that it bothers you or are you just venting about it here?
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Old 17th July 2018, 3:26 PM   #4
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Does he know that it bothers you or are you just venting about it here?
Just venting. He knows I don't care for him talking about her and I never engage with him when he talks about her, but he always goes "Oh that's in the past. She's just a really good person. You have nothing to worry about".
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Old 17th July 2018, 3:31 PM   #5
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What advice are you looking for?

It's obvious that she was a big part of his life for a long time. A lot of his memories, a lot of the experiences that made him who he is are tied up with his feelings for this girl.

Imagine trying never to think about one of your immediate family members again, while still living in the town where you grew up with them. It's hard! Little things will remind you.

If he knows how much it bothers you, he can try to train himself to keep his mouth shut when he has random thoughts about this girl (because it is kind of rude to keep bringing her up, especially if you've told him you don't appreciate it).

Alternately, a really strong break with the past, like moving somewhere new, can help put old thoughts out of mind.
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Old 17th July 2018, 3:46 PM   #6
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It's rather odd that he's still hung up on her after such a long time but what can you do?


You can tell him you don't want to hear it anymore and yell at him when he brings it up but it won't change what he's thinking.


People have their quirks. Could be worse.
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Old 17th July 2018, 3:48 PM   #7
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The guy is 50 years old if I'm reading right. His style is pretty ingrained. IMO, tell him how you feel about him bringing up this past unrequited (she said no) marital partner and remind him he's got a devoted and loving one in front of him.

If no joy, start regaling him with all the great times you had with your ex'es. Frame some pictures of you and them and put them on the wall.
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Old 17th July 2018, 5:32 PM   #8
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Just venting. He knows I don't care for him talking about her and I never engage with him when he talks about her, but he always goes "Oh that's in the past. She's just a really good person. You have nothing to worry about".
What advice are you looking for exactly? You have told him that you don't like it, and he has dismissed your feelings and disregarded your request.
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Old 17th July 2018, 8:53 PM   #9
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Just venting. He knows I don't care for him talking about her and I never engage with him when he talks about her, but he always goes "Oh that's in the past. She's just a really good person. You have nothing to worry about".
Aw that's really nice.

He's right though. I mean you're the one he's married to!
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Old 17th July 2018, 9:08 PM   #10
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Hey, I would be upset too. I think it's insensitive of him to continue bringing her up when you've explained how it makes you feel. Brushing it off by basically just saying hey, I'm with you now, doesn't cut it in my book. She's part of his distant past, she's not part of his life now. There's absolutely no reason for him to continue talking about her, especially when he knows it bothers you.

As to what you can do about it though, I have no clue. He obviously feels no need to stop.
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Old 17th July 2018, 9:34 PM   #11
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Well, you could try this. It may take a few times, but eventually he will ask you about Jason… then you could diplomatically address that perhaps both Jason and Jen should walk hand in hand into the ancient past where they both firmly belong...
^^^ So beautifully said!

Completely agree. Make up an ex and drop his name and sweet memories about him left and right until he gets the point.

To add, perhaps you can say to him, "Hey, you haven't heard from the woman you wanted to marry for a long time; why don't you reach out to see how she is; and in fact, it's about time I meet her since she seems to be phantom in this marriage anyway. and the three of us can finally have a conversation together."
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Old 20th July 2018, 12:36 PM   #12
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You are a lucky woman married to a good man, very honest and transparent, he won't lie to you, he will just say it from the top of his head. The jealous is good for you, will keep on your toes and attracted to him, a sense of competing for your man from another woman, very annoying and yet arousing...

Just attachment, it will fade with time...

Let it go and have fun . . .
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