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Husband hasn't told his family he's married to me


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Old 17th July 2018, 8:37 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Lizzy123 View Post
I confronted him about how we had NO plan for our marriage (it was rushed) and he keeps saying "whats the big deal? we'll figure it out. I dont have ALL the answers!" and I keep saying to him, "no, there are fundamental things we dont know... family.. kids.. where we'll live.. religion.. culture..finances.." and he sort of tells me these things can be easily sorted and he's tired that I keep mentioning it.

I dont have much of a life in this country besides reading, gym, and watching movies. I dont work anymore which heavily affected me, but he said it was fine and I should adjust and be patient... I dont have financial independence.. and i have had trouble making friends. I'm also feeling isolated--- which is probably why i feel so effed up in my head and cant do anything for the life of me.
With all due respect Lizzy, those are HUGE things. There is a reason why it is recommended that couples do premarital counselling together - it's because they need to have this conversation BEFORE they get married to be sure that they have the same values, the same goals, the same life plan.

I'm sorry to say it, but it feels almost like you have found yourself in an abusive relationship - isolated, unable to work and have any independence outside the home, no control of the finances, and a husband who dismisses your feelings and turns everything around to tell you that he is right, and you are wrong.

I would get counselling, in my own country. I think you have to leave, this man and his country, where you are miserable. I would pack my bags and go home to my family before the end of the day... Good luck.
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Old 17th July 2018, 11:15 AM   #17
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How long did you know him before you married him? It seems to me that you need clarity about what it is that you want and need. Your life has changed drastically.
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Old 18th July 2018, 2:57 AM   #18
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Thanks Bailey. Your words have started to clear up alot of haziness in my head (I know your words are obvious, but I still need to hear them out loud). I guess the confusion stems from the casualness at which he treats our relationship/marriage. He has a brief answer for everything I bring up (kids, living, religion, etc) and acts like I am making a big deal - It feels like either he does not understand the seriousness of marriage, or simply does not consider himself married. Probably the latter, hence no need to be so serious.

When I tell him I am unhappy here, he either tells me: a) I am looking for instant gratification and need to be more patient - I was stunned by his lack of empathy and understanding! or: b) he is trying his best. As a result, I feel guilty for wanting to pursue my career and have ambition. 4 months in this country, and I am now no longer upset that my career has been on hold or that I am no longer making money. Exactly the opposite of who I was 4 months ago. I have told him I find him cold and that he lacks empathy - something he also acknowledged and said he would work on.

I often find that I wonder how we got married. We are so different and it feels we don't really know eachother. We had a fight 2 months ago (about religion, he is atheist.. addressing issues that were never addressed to begin with) and he confessed that he was afraid of being alone and dying alone. So, my conclusion is: he isnt looking for love, intimacy, understanding, and all of the traits one would want in a spouse, he is looking for stability. Even at the cost of lack of affection. His latest tactic has been to offer me his credit card to shop and buy new things for myself... something I havent wanted to do because I feel unhappy. I dont think my happiness can be bought.

I could probably sit here and write more, but I think the fact that I feel this way is a strong indicator that things are just not right. I just need to make sure this is not all in my head - is it me, though? Am I being too rigid? I wonder if I am depressed and the reason why we can't seem to get along. If I were to change myself, would things improve? But I guess, like you said, I need to work on myself first.

I have decided to travel home next week for a break and will be moving to Europe in September for school. If you have any advice on how to confront these issues with him in a more decisive manner, I would be grateful. (My therapist has moved and is now charging $220/hr, so that won't be happening soon).

Thank you very much in advance for all your advice and time.
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Old 18th July 2018, 3:16 AM   #19
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How long did you know him before you married him? It seems to me that you need clarity about what it is that you want and need. Your life has changed drastically.
I knew him for 2 years including the 1 year we dated for. The strange thing is, I knew his posting would be ending and I never felt that we were quite right for marriage, so the relationship would come to the end of its course eventually. He proposed with a ring - I wanted extra time to think and discuss things, so I said yes (thinking we could think and discuss in the weeks/months to come). He put pressure on me to tell my family and said made me feel guilty for wanting time to think. He would say "why arent you excited? why are you afraid to tell your parents? Am i not good enough? How long will this take for you to decide" - in hindsight, he probably had a right to demand an answer (and now the tables have turned, and he is the one afraid to tell his family) and in hindsight, i should have stood my ground. Friends also told me to stop being so indecisive, to be fearless, and to just get married. In a way, I started doubting myself and decided to take a leap of faith.

During that time, I was also feeling stuck in my life - career wise and had been looking to go back to school and move to the US/UK. My mother had passed away 1.5 years before and I was still dealing with unresolved issues. I guess in my mind marriage seemed like a good direction to go in.

He and I never talked about our wants or needs... I know, now it sounds absolutely crazy to me. When I was thinking about not returning to him, it was after a fight, and I said to him "do you realize we dont even know what eachothers dreams or aspirations are?" he then said "I dont know. Fine, why dont you tell me what yours are" and I said "no. its the fact that we dont know and dont have these kinds of discussions that come naturally" he then got impatient (it was a messy fight over the phone) and said "well i am asking you now, and you are refusing to engage in dialogue with me".

I think its obvious. Should I try to fix it or find something that brings me peace? I know that I dont value myself.. the sad truth.. otherwise I wouldnt be writing these long messages (that have turned into rants, I apologize). Its just that I have lost my self confidence and dont know what to go. I dont know how to be true and honest to myself.
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Old 18th July 2018, 7:26 AM   #20
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Lizzy, look up the word gaslighting. That is what he is doing to you that has gotten you all confused.

I'm glad to hear that you are going home and going back to school. Good for you! Just tell him, this isn't working out, I'm going home to go back to school, we need a break. And then, serve him with divorce papers.
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Old 18th July 2018, 11:59 AM   #21
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During that time, I was also feeling stuck in my life - career wise and had been looking to go back to school and move to the US/UK. My mother had passed away 1.5 years before and I was still dealing with unresolved issues. I guess in my mind marriage seemed like a good direction to go in.
Very few marriages, where one or both partners entered in because they weren't quite sure what else to do, turn out successfully. Even many of the fully committed don't make it.

My advice - at this point, you should work on you rather than the relationship...

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Old 18th July 2018, 1:40 PM   #22
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OP I don't think your husband is abusive or gas lighting you. I just think he knows you are unhappy but he can't fix that for you so because he doesn't know how to help he just brushes your concerns aside. I followed a boyfriend far from home once when I was very young. I found myself in a new place with no family or friends. Couldn't even get a job because I didn't speak the language. I was very unhappy and blamed it all on my boyfriend but it wasn't his fault and he couldn't fix it for me. I went home within 6 months because I couldn't hack it. Probably takes at least a year to acclimate to a new location but I was too young to endure it.

Given that you are so unhappy and that you married in haste it might be best to end the marriage and return home. Both you and your husband made a mistake. He is not a villain.
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Old 22nd July 2018, 8:58 PM   #23
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With everything you've said about him, I think divorce is the way to go.

You don't agree on fundamental things like children and religion. Sounds like he just wanted a companion and you can do better with a more compatible man.

He's really not the one for you. You were happy for the relationship to come to an end. That tells you It's not right.
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