Relationship with GF at a crossroads - can I love?

[Striver]

I was blindsided with a divorce. XW left me for another man whom she married. That couple is likely in it for the long haul. She knew him before we ever met. XW and I have three still young kids together.

 

Separated in Summer 2014, divorced Summer 2015. Met GF in Fall 2015. I am 53, she 47. She is also divorced with kids older than mine. She lives a couple of hours away from me, so we can only see each other every other weekend mostly, plus phone calls and texting.

 

I enjoyed the affair aspect of the relationship. I'd drive up and we'd be doing it within minutes. It was a great escape for me.

 

During the last few months, she has pulled back a lot, sexually and otherwise. So much so that I finally mentioned it. I have not been one to talk much, if at all, about feelings in this relationship. We had been having some other conflicts. After we talked about this on the phone, through miscommunication we didn't talk again for about a month and a half. She thought I was blowing her off. I was expecting her to contact me, though she's passive and often doesn't do much of that.

 

Anyway, I sent her a text trying to settle up some stuff, saying I didn't need her to pay me for some things. She texts back saying that she was just thinking about me, starts texting mysteriously. Eventually we worked through some of our communication and talked on the phone for a couple of hours.

 

We worked through what had been some of her complaints. She claimed that I didn't make time for her. I pointed out that we only had every other weekend, I did try to make at least some time for her every time, depending on what else I had going on. She agreed with what I had to say there.

 

I have met her surviving parent, her kids. She has not met mine. It was not a high priority for me. She asked about it a couple of times, I more or less ignored it. She has met my one sibling. That bothered her.

 

While we weren't talking, I did have regrets about segmenting my family responsibilities and her quite so much. I had wanted to be protective of my kids, protective of myself. But stuff with the kids just felt emptier when we weren't in contact.

 

She'd also mentioned that it felt like I was using her. It finally came down to (which I did agree with) that I deliberately held myself back. I showed up, called her, was reasonably game with things she wanted to do, was an eager and attentive lover. But I definitely held myself back emotionally.

 

I did tell her that I had been "all in" in my marriage and my partner obviously was not. That I'm reluctant to behave in the same way because I feel that my partner won't feel the need to return the favor, as in my marriage.

 

She has a big deal about compliments and how I don't do them the right way, or do enough of them. I want them to be sincere. I do it some, but want them to come from the heart. I mentioned that I'm not sure I love her in the way she wants to be loved.

 

We have had a good sexual relationship. She is a better temperament match than my Xw. I like our conversations.

 

But due to our issues, this may not last. I am definitely a "relationship guy." Wanted continuity. Want to have partners that I like and respect. Don't want to hurt my partners. I married late, had a bellyful of solo lifestyle. I have my hobbies, but I don't want that any more either.

 

But... can I love? I'm 53, there is still time left, but I'm probably getting a little past prime dating age. To be honest, the older I get, the older my potential partner is when we meet, the less interest I will have. So I do have to be on the road to figure things out. Blending all of that with raising kids and reduced economic circumstances. It doesn't help that my xW has seemingly no ill karma effects. She left and got everything she wanted.

 

Can I love? I've heard men whose wives left them that they'll never tell another woman they love her again. Am I that kind of guy? Maybe? I never said "I love you" to the GF. When this big conversation went down, I did say (remotely I suppose) that I loved things about her, loved her in my way.

 

But I don't particularly have a hankering for saying it. The bar is high. I'm not sure the women that are in my league can reach it any more. I have my own issues, had to overcome a lot of shame issues to even date and marry. I believe in the institution of marriage. But I'm divorced now. I felt more comfortable relying on the institution of marriage, that the xW and I were married and that meant something, that we'd try everything to keep it together. Obviously I didn't get the benefit of that experience.

 

I'm not so good at the spontaneous attachment. Falling in love is not my thing so much. I had shame issues from my family of origin, where I felt the message was "don't come home a failure." My brother was the only person of any acquaintance that criticized me for choosing poorly in my spouse. After everything all went down, of course. Thanks a lot, jerk.

 

I admit to needing a relationship and love, but it feels like I'm going to need a partner that understands my issues?

 

Thougts?

[DKT3]

Well, until you're not leading with a story about your ex and concluding about how unfair it is that your ex "Seems" happy I would say your not good relationship material for any women in that age range who is likely not messing around and know what they want in a partner but more importantly what they won't deal with.

[Striver]

Well, until you're not leading with a story about your ex and concluding about how unfair it is that your ex "Seems" happy I would say your not good relationship material for any women in that age range who is likely not messing around and know what they want in a partner but more importantly what they won't deal with.

 

The stuff with the xW has dissipated over time. But the current GF has been around when it was more fresh, so that is part of her picture of me.

 

It's not clear to me how much current GF was "messing around" herself. She seemed content with the affair type stuff for a long time, but obviously was trying to make moves to a more serious relationship over time.

 

I am capable of seeing her good qualities, but I don't know if she is just destined to be rebound GF to me because of the timing.

 

She has the same first name as the xW. She is not too crazy about that. Not much I can do with that one. When we met, at the time I simply did not care.

 

I said that I thought I loved her differently than the way she wanted to be loved. I have struggled in establishing a relationship where I am adoring and cherishing a woman the way she may want.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do you desire to be closer to each other geographically? If not, this relationship won't work.

[JuneL]

Do you get along with her kids? Do you have lots of interactions with them?

 

It seems that you’re treating your gf like a fwb (perhaps an upgraded version), and she’s clearly very patient with you. Perhaps you should get a fwb instead of pretending that you want a gf??

[JuneL]

Do you desire to be closer to each other geographically? If not, this relationship won't work.

 

For some reason, I got the impression OP likes the geographic distance so that he can keep the gf/fwb at an arm length.

[Striver]

When I started with GF I still had a lot of direct anger towards the xW. That's gone, but when I turn to face the future, face GF, a new sort of anger towards new women emerges.

[BaileyB]

When I started with GF I still had a lot of direct anger towards the xW. That's gone, but when I turn to face the future, face GF, a new sort of anger towards new women emerges.

 

I think it's time for counselling, my friend.

 

You most certainly have the capacity to love again. The only question is, do you want to? Because, right now you are enjoying the perks of a relationship without having to put yourself on the line...

 

Perhaps, with the right woman you will want to do this again. Or perhaps, you need to do a little more work to let go of the past and trust the future. That's what you can figure out in counselling...

[Striver]

Do you get along with her kids? Do you have lots of interactions with them?

 

It seems that you’re treating your gf like a fwb (perhaps an upgraded version), and she’s clearly very patient with you. Perhaps you should get a fwb instead of pretending that you want a gf??

 

I actually turned down a fwb that was closer to me. I liked GF better. GF lives in a area where I have some history and is closer to where I grew up than where I currently live. So those aspects have been nice for me. I couldn't move, though.

 

I like calling her on the phone, telling her about my life, asking for advice on stuff. She doesn't seem to care for the phone calls as much, calls them an obligation on my part.

 

I have seen her kids on a handful of occasions.

 

The distance has probably been a plus to some degree so far, so I can segment my life. One of the things I realized when we started having problems is I won't be able to segment my life forever.

 

Obviously I want some things here, but others are still very conflicted and raw for me.

[JuneL]

If your gf came to this forum in 2016 to ask about whether she could have a serious committed relationship with you, pretty much everyone on here would have advised her to move on.

[JuneL]

Just because you have been hurt really bad by your wife doesn’t entitle you to be using another woman so selfishly: You use her to unload the emotional burden of your daily life and use her for advice, no to mention sex. She willingly provides all that because she has feelings for you, and wants to have a serious committed relationship.

[anika99]

You have been seeing this woman for 3yrs now and you're not in love with her. I think it's time for you to cut her loose. Times ticking away for her too and you are wasting valuable years. She can obviously feel that you are not truly in love with her but when she tries to confront the issue sounds like you give her just enough hope to keep her holding on. One of the reasons you give for preferring your gf over some other FWB is that you like the area she lives in. That is very sad, especially for your gf. Time to let her go.

 

I don't know if you can love or not. You probably need some professional help with that one. However I can't see you having a loving successful relationship with any woman if you are going to take what your exwife did and hold that against every new woman you meet.

[BaileyB]

I can't see you having a loving successful relationship with any woman if you are going to take what your exwife did and hold that against every new woman you meet.

 

Nope! Most definitely not.

 

If this is the case, you need to be upfront with the women you date and let them know that there is no long term potential. To do anything less is unfair to the women you date.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you want to receive love ... then you're also going to have to give love. It sounds like you think you can find someone who loves you deeply in the ways you want to be loved ... without you loving them in the way they want to be loved.

 

Reading between the lines here, it seems like you relied on being married and the institution of marriage as a stand-in for intimacy and love and closeness with your ex. I can't help but wonder if that is one reason your ex left you.

 

I can't tell whether you want intimacy ... or just marriage with sex and a woman who caters to you while you do your distant thing. The latter option, I have to tell you, is a fantasy.

 

Why are you with your gf if you don't see in her qualities to compliment? As another person said, seems you are treating her like a sex partner only. It's surprisingly easy to fall into the habit of dating people you're not crazy about ... But seems like time for you to break that habit.

 

My guess is that your behavior, your body language, the absence of compliments and more ... all show way more disinterest in the person than you think they do. Your disinterest and lack of attraction is far more obvious than you think. It's just that you've never been with someone who excited you ... so your barometer of a good relationship is off.

 

There is plenty of life left ... so if you want to work on how to love, you can do so.

 

You have to keep dating and meeting people until you encounter someone you can gush over. If you don't feel like complimenting your partner A LOT, then you don't like her. It's that plain and simple. That should be your sign.

 

May take you some experimenting to meet women you like in their 50s, but they're out there.

Edited July 10, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[mrs rubble]

I was seeing a man that sounds just like you when I met my husband, he also lived about 2 hours away. He refused to commit to a relationship, I felt he used me for sex.....then I met my husband, who wanted to commit to me, wanted to take me places, wanted to meet my family and friends, so I chose my husband.....funnily enough as soon as I chose my husband, this man decided that he DID want a relationship. By then it was too late.

[Striver]

If you want to receive love ... then you're also going to have to give love. It sounds like you think you can find someone who loves you deeply in the ways you want to be loved ... without you loving them in the way they want to be loved.

 

Reading between the lines here, it seems like you relied on being married and the institution of marriage as a stand-in for intimacy and love and closeness with your ex. I can't help but wonder if that is one reason your ex left you.

 

I can't tell whether you want intimacy ... or just marriage with sex and a woman who caters to you while you do your distant thing. The latter option, I have to tell you, is a fantasy.

 

Why are you with your gf if you don't see in her qualities to compliment? As another person said, seems you are treating her like a sex partner only. It's surprisingly easy to fall into the habit of dating people you're not crazy about ... But seems like time for you to break that habit.

 

My guess is that your behavior, your body language, the absence of compliments and more ... all show way more disinterest in the person than you think they do. Your disinterest and lack of attraction is far more obvious than you think. It's just that you've never been with someone who excited you ... so your barometer of a good relationship is off.

 

There is plenty of life left ... so if you want to work on how to love, you can do so.

 

You have to keep dating and meeting people until you encounter someone you can gush over. If you don't feel like complimenting your partner A LOT, then you don't like her. It's that plain and simple. That should be your sign.

 

May take you some experimenting to meet women you like in their 50s, but they're out there.

 

I appreciate this.

 

I am a better than average looker for a man. People have said it many times. Tall, still all my hair, just beginning to gray, in shape.

 

The problem was crippling social and shame issues that prevented me from participating in the dating game. By the time I made enough progress to get going at all, I was too hungry.

 

So I may be treating the GF as a true FWB. I like and love her as a friend, I'm game for sex, but I don't lust enough. I think that makes sense to me.

 

I guess I will just need to push myself that bit more to approach women where there's more lust on my side. If I include the types, where I might like them a bit more than the average guy, there are still some out there.

[anika99]

I appreciate this.

 

I am a better than average looker for a man. People have said it many times. Tall, still all my hair, just beginning to gray, in shape.

 

The problem was crippling social and shame issues that prevented me from participating in the dating game. By the time I made enough progress to get going at all, I was too hungry.

 

So I may be treating the GF as a true FWB. I like and love her as a friend, I'm game for sex, but I don't lust enough. I think that makes sense to me.

 

I guess I will just need to push myself that bit more to approach women where there's more lust on my side. If I include the types, where I might like them a bit more than the average guy, there are still some out there.

 

Okay, well I hope you plan on breaking up with your current gf before you start playing the field.

[Striver]

Okay, well I hope you plan on breaking up with your current gf before you start playing the field.

 

GF has not been happy. I want her to be happy. With or without me, I suppose. I have seen her happy with me, seen her smile. If I can't make her smile any more, I'll move on.

[Lotsgoingon]

I guess I will just need to push myself that bit more to approach women where there's more lust on my side. If I include the types, where I might like them a bit more than the average guy, there are still some out there.

 

The right people to date produce electric energy when we're with them--especially at the start.

 

Lust is a part of that electricity ... but also just the feeling of happiness and joy being around them and looking at their face or hearing them talk.

 

The women you're dating now (that you're really just friends with) ... it's a comfy energy ... not electric at all.

 

Good luck, brother ... and if that shame hinders you too much, don't be afraid to step into a therapist's office.

Edited July 11, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[JuneL]

I think this “shame” issue may well be his excuse at this stage. Something he mentioned in the OP is very telling, namely his “league”. He’s not sure whether, with his current situation (age and finance), he can attract a woman whom he’s really attracted to.

 

Apparently, this gf is “all in” and he’s not. Maybe a few years down the road, he’ll meet a woman and goes all in and drop the gf like a hot potato. Then the gf will be in his exact situation when his exW left him for another man. And the cycle repeats...

 

The right people to date produce electric energy when we're with them--especially at the start.

 

Lust is a part of that electricity ... but also just the feeling of happiness and joy being around them and looking at their face or hearing them talk.

 

The women you're dating now (that you're really just friends with) ... it's a comfy energy ... not electric at all.

 

Good luck, brother ... and if that shame hinders you too much, don't be afraid to step into a therapist's office.

[Striver]

I think this “shame” issue may well be his excuse at this stage. Something he mentioned in the OP is very telling, namely his “league”. He’s not sure whether, with his current situation (age and finance), he can attract a woman whom he’s really attracted to.

 

Apparently, this gf is “all in” and he’s not. Maybe a few years down the road, he’ll meet a woman and goes all in and drop the gf like a hot potato. Then the gf will be in his exact situation when his exW left him for another man. And the cycle repeats...

 

I don't think I would really describe the GF as "all in."

 

GF has already told me she doesn't want to be a stepmom to my kids. That is less than all in. They are not her kids, she doesn't owe them anything. But still. I don't know what my realistic expectations are for a partner, but maxing out, someone that really promised and delivered on help with the kids, was great with them, etc. GF may want to meet more of my family, but I'm guessing there's a limit there.

 

She has some connections to my city and has talked about moving here in a few years for job prospects, getting her own apartment. That would make her closer, but again, less than "all in."

 

For a long initial time, there was a big emphasis on sex in this relationship. To the point that she was craving more than I could deliver in a visit. That ebbed away consistently over the last few months, which is why I started questioning her on what's up. So as far as sex is concerned, I'm really not stringing her along anyway, since she's cut it off.

 

She whispered "I love you" a couple of times. Sent heart emojis after my visits. I met her surviving parent once. One sibling. One of her children a few times.

 

As far as my "league", I will mention this. I have said that I'm in shape and work out. My xW is a little overweight and does not work out at all. I used to do race events, she supported me at those. I cut out the race events due to having kids and wanting to focus on the marriage and family. I generally tried to work out on my own time, on work breaks or late at night, so as not to take away from family time.

 

Working out is a bit vain - I do like to look as good as I can - but pretty harmless if not a virtue. I guess the ex tried to share my interest by getting a treadmill once that she used a handful of times. Over time I felt that she resented the fact that I stayed in shape. I didn't care about whether she worked out or not, I had a love of acceptance as she was. She was who she was, the mother of my children, and I accepted her that way.

 

But yes, I felt she resented the fact that I worked out by comments that she made. It was a wedge between us. For reasons like that ONLY, I feel I need to consider that I am appropriately dating in my "league" so I'm not with someone that resents me.

 

I want to be happy. I wish I had my kids when I was younger, so I didn't feel like this big weight was ready to drop on me over the next 10 years. I am 53 and want to be enjoying a relatively stable life. My life is not so stable. I envy most of my coworkers. I used to know what that life was like.

 

With the GF I am to the point of taking the direct approach, and asking what specifically she wants out of life and out of me. The old relationship is clearly over. We will forge a new one or not.

 

The GF is considerably more passive than the xW and only hints at some things. I am required to be more assertive to keep the relationship on track. It has been an adjustment for me.

[norudder]

I think "all in" can mean different things to different people. Maybe your gf is all in emotionally, and if she felt you were too, she would then be all in logistically. If being involved with your kids is an important part of "all in" to you, then it's a dealbreaker from the start and no need to continue. For some it's just as important as the decision to have kids or not.

 

You might want to spend some more time on your own or casually dating, and being upfront about that, because it sounds like you are still doing alot of comparing and contrasting, framing alot of the present against the context of your past. I realize history is important to learn from, but it's about perspective. There's a difference between saying I want x because in the past I had y, versus I've learned x is important to me because of my own values and is a goal to incorporate that into my life moving forward. Kwim?

 

Also, saying "the gf" and "the exw" is a way to depersonalize and remain detached imo.

[JuneL]

You wouldn’t even let your gf meet your kids, after 2.5 years of dating, and you’re complaining she’s not going to be their stepmom? Btw, by this, did you mean she doesn’t see herself marrying again? By definition, if she’s married to you, then she becomes the stepmom. But since your kids already have a biological mother, your gf can’t play mother to them (but, again, this is a moot point as you wouldn’t even let her meet your kids).

 

You sound very entitled if you think your gf should do all you described to be “all in”, considering how little you’ve let her in.

[norudder]

 

You sound very entitled if you think your gf should do all you described to be “all in”, considering how little you’ve let her in.

 

But if only he had more lust for her... because that's the issue in the way of a successful relationship here for him....

[JuneL]

But if only he had more lust for her... because that's the issue in the way of a successful relationship here for him....

 

That’s exactly what some of us are trying to tell him: He shouldn’t drag this on if he’s not really attracted to his gf.