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I had a lot to do today so I sent my husband to the grocery store with a list, the color weekly circular (including pictures), coupons & an app for the store. There were some great sales I didn't want to miss.

 

He bought almost all the wrong stuff. I asked for the whole chicken breasts on sale. He bought tiny, pre sliced, organic chicken filets for more than 3x the price. I asked for bottom round on sale; he brought home top round for 4x the price.

 

When I asked him about it, he got angry & defensive saying chicken & steak are all the same & there were no signs. I showed him the price & weight tags on the items & he stormed off in a huff mumbling about the store being stupid & badly run.

 

I know he's embarrassed that he got duped. I was trying to educate him not pi$$ him off. He's also threatening to never help again, which is unacceptable to me.

 

How do I soothe the wounded male ego?

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I sent
with a list
I didn't want to miss.
he mumbling
he's embarrassed
he got duped.
I educate him
unacceptable to me.

 

Bloody hell what kind of relationship do you guys have. He appears completely whipped and you act more like a parent/authority figure towards him ordering him around and acting patronizing.

 

How do I soothe the wounded male ego?

Better question. Is he really whipped enough and has regressed far enough into a childlike mentality and behaviour when dealing with you that he's happy with the current situation?

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My choice of words was wrong.

 

I asked my husband to please go to the store so we would have food in the house next week. The sale ended today. I didn't get around to it all week because I work & a crisis that I had been dealing with.

 

No it's not acceptable to me that I am responsible for 100% of running our house plus 50% of the house hold budget while he does nothing.

 

What I asked for help with is how to teach an adult to read a price tag. We have a food budget around here & when he pays $14 for less than 1/3 of the chicken I asked him to buy for $6 it upends the budget. I get that he was upset that he made a mistake but his anger was misplaced. Why do I have to put up with that?

 

The last thing my husband is whipped.

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salparadise

When I was married my ex-wife was all about asking me to do stuff and then criticizing me for not doing it exactly the way she would've. She thought it was perfectly reasonable to have these exacting expectations.

 

For example, she wanted me to help with the washing, which I was happy to do, but I was supposed to sort everything exactly the way she imagined and do ten little tiny loads instead of just separating the cotton from the delicates.

 

I agreed to clean bathrooms as a regular part of my chores, but it drove her nuts that I could clean a bathroom in 20 minutes instead of an hour or two, and that I didn't get emotionally involved with the invisible dirt hiding in tiny crevices.

 

I mowed the lawn (which for some reason didn't count towards my "half" of the chores), and often it was done on really hot afternoons with sweat rolling off me. So one day she comes out of the AC to ask if I could mow diagonally in one direction and again in the opposite direction to create those attractive diamond patterns she's seen. I told her that if she wasn't happy with back and forth once, then she could take over the damn mowing herself.

 

It's just not reasonable to delegate tasks that you're particular about and then be less than gracious that the other person tried but didn't do it exactly as you would have. Let him do what he's good at, and things that you don't care so much about being done precisely. When you delegate, let them own it. This kind of stuff will erode the goodwill in a marriage.

 

Probably the best aspect of being divorced is not having to put up with her negative moods, exacting standards (when not required), and the overall attitude that I was put on this earth to try (in vain) to cater to her whims and meet every expectation.

 

I get exactly why you're dissatisfied––you wanted to save money by shopping smart. But that's YOU not him. He's not an extension of your will. He's a separate person with different strengths and deficits.

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I get that he was upset that he made a mistake but his anger was misplaced. Why do I have to put up with that?

 

It's a natural male reaction. For many, anger often follows that trapped, defensive feeling and we lash out rather than reflect. I'm afraid I recognize some of myself in his described behavior.

 

If he's anything like me, you're about 2 hours and 27 minutes away from an apology. Based on your posts, I'll assume you'll be gracious ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Veronica73

I kind of agree with salparadise...

 

And also... maybe go grocery shopping a few times together with a list and kind of look at the options and what you want together so he understands a little better what you are asking for. I’m sure he was doing his best. And thank him for grocery shopping (even though he didn’t do it the way you wanted him to). It’s not worth making a big issue out of it.

 

As to how to heal the wounded male ego... I’m no help there unfortunately :(

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Happy Lemming

He didn't want to do it, so he did it wrong, so you won't ask him to do it, again.

 

I had the same problem with my girlfriend. I was working on dinner and I asked her to peel the potatoes. She murdered those potatoes... She tried to blame the potato peeler, the potatoes, my kitchen, etc. In the end, she didn't want to do it, so she did it poorly, so I won't ask her to do it, again.

 

For the record, I'm king of buying cheap meats & poultry. I got a whole chicken on clearance, yesterday for $1.74. I threw that bird into the crock pot, cooked 'em up and am making a few meals out of it.

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Veronica73

I don’t know. I think if people aren’t that used to bargain shopping- they just buy what they think looks like what is asked for. They aren’t neccessarily trying to get the best deal for the money. I never use coupons and I barely comparison shop. I mean I do if they are nearby, but I don’t stalk the entire meat section to find the absolute best deal. I buy what I think looks best. And at least in my grocery store, especially in the meat section... it’s not the easiest thing to figure out. And meat cuts are a little confusing. There are so many times when I have a recipe that asks for a specific cut of meat and they don’t have it. And then they have the stuff in the cases that isn’t wrapped. And then they have a section below the cases that has a seemingly random variety of stuff. And then they have the regular refrigerated cases split up by type of meat that is wrapped. I’m single and only do my own grocery shopping and it’s confusing for me.

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How about just buying groceries online and having them delivered when you can't go? It costs like $4 per delivery here, well worth it.

 

That being said, I wouldn't make a big deal about this if I were you. People don't always have the same standards that you do over housework/groceries, and at the end of the day does it really matter all that much? You might have lost a few dollars, but your marriage is far more important than that.

 

If he is really terrible at grocery shopping, then don't ask him to do it. He can do the things that he is good at to save money (repairs maybe?), and you can funnel the extra money towards a grocery delivery.

 

(Seriously, grocery deliveries. They changed our life. I swear I'm not getting a commission here! ;))

 

 

No it's not acceptable to me that I am responsible for 100% of running our house plus 50% of the house hold budget while he does nothing.

 

 

Edit: I just saw this. This seems like the bigger issue here, and I can understand feeling resentful about it. However, you did mention in another thread that he's on board with you retiring early and being the breadwinner when you do that, right? Might be worth taking him up on the offer so you won't feel so resentful?

Edited by Elswyth
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My choice of words was wrong.

 

I asked my husband to please go to the store so we would have food in the house next week. The sale ended today. I didn't get around to it all week because I work & a crisis that I had been dealing with.

 

No it's not acceptable to me that I am responsible for 100% of running our house plus 50% of the house hold budget while he does nothing.

 

What I asked for help with is how to teach an adult to read a price tag. We have a food budget around here & when he pays $14 for less than 1/3 of the chicken I asked him to buy for $6 it upends the budget. I get that he was upset that he made a mistake but his anger was misplaced. Why do I have to put up with that?

 

The last thing my husband is whipped.

 

Suggestion: put the approximate price you think it is on the list. If he's not used to grocery shopping it can see impossible to figure out what's what. Speaking from experience.

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The best way to stop people from contributing effort is to criticise the job they've done.

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It is understandable that you want to save some money. But from my male perspective, the thought that kept running through my head was: Are we so frikkin' poor that we are going to the poorhouse because I got top round instead of bottom round? Once, long ago, I faced a similar situation. My task was to go to the super and get some stew meat. Well, I came home with 30 pounds of Chateaubriand. The difference in price was almost $175. My woman looked at me and said "Chateau for the stewpot? Really??" She used 5 pounds of it for the stew, and I used the rest of it for several BBQ's. It was marvelous cooked over an open grape wood fire, and yes, none of that stew went to the dog...

 

 

Unless your man came home with horse meat, or put you in the poorhouse, you could have simply said, like my woman: "Top round instead of bottom round? Really?" Then when he asks the inevitable, "What's the difference?" You can then tell him, lovingly. Luckily, there is an easy fix... it involves cooking him a big meal and lots of sex for dessert... and next time you send him to the market, ask for a single easily defined item, like a bottle of tobacco sauce - and as long as he doesn't bring home a puppy, be happy you have such a helpful man... :love:

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It is understandable that you want to save some money. But from my male perspective, the thought that kept running through my head was: Are we so frikkin' poor that we are going to the poorhouse because I got top round instead of bottom round? Once, long ago, I faced a similar situation. My task was to go to the super and get some stew meat. Well, I came home with 30 pounds of Chateaubriand. The difference in price was almost $175. My woman looked at me and said "Chateau for the stewpot? Really??" She used 5 pounds of it for the stew, and I used the rest of it for several BBQ's. It was marvelous cooked over an open grape wood fire, and yes, none of that stew went to the dog...

 

 

Unless your man came home with horse meat, or put you in the poorhouse, you could have simply said, like my woman: "Top round instead of bottom round? Really?" Then when he asks the inevitable, "What's the difference?" You can then tell him, lovingly. Luckily, there is an easy fix... it involves cooking him a big meal and lots of sex for dessert... and next time you send him to the market, ask for a single easily defined item, like a bottle of tobacco sauce - and as long as he doesn't bring home a puppy, be happy you have such a helpful man... :love:

 

While this is a cute story, it somewhat annoys me that it's viewed as "helpful" when a man does something as basic and integral to adult function as grocery shopping, lol. If both people are working full-time and contributing equally to finances, doing household chores or groceries isn't "helping", it's just doing your part as a functional adult. I mean, wouldn't it be viewed as utterly preposterous if we said the OP was "a very helpful woman" for "helping to carry the baby", or something of that sort? ;)

 

That being said, I agree that battles should be picked, and $10 or even $50 really shouldn't be the hill that a couple dies on!

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Suggestion: put the approximate price you think it is on the list. If he's not used to grocery shopping it can see impossible to figure out what's what. Speaking from experience.

 

I DID do that which is why I also gave him the circular with pictures & downloaded everything onto the app on his phone. I know he's not a great shopper so we talked about this extensively over lunch. He even asked questions.

 

He didn't want to do it, so he did it wrong, so you won't ask him to do it, again.

 

That is what I'm afraid of.

 

The best way to stop people from contributing effort is to criticise the job they've done.

 

True. But I didn't lash out at him.

 

I asked Qs. I said, "Why did you buy this chicken?" He said "That is what you asked me to buy." I explained it was not & showed him why it was 3x the price. That is when he got mad & started spewing about the stupid store.

 

It is understandable that you want to save some money. But from my male perspective, the thought that kept running through my head was: Are we so frikkin' poor that we are going to the poorhouse because I got top round instead of bottom round? Once, long ago, I faced a similar situation. My task was to go to the super and get some stew meat. Well, I came home with 30 pounds of Chateaubriand. The difference in price was almost $175. My woman looked at me and said "Chateau for the stewpot? Really??" She used 5 pounds of it for the stew, and I used the rest of it for several BBQ's. It was marvelous cooked over an open grape wood fire, and yes, none of that stew went to the dog...

 

 

Unless your man came home with horse meat, or put you in the poorhouse, you could have simply said, like my woman: "Top round instead of bottom round? Really?" Then when he asks the inevitable, "What's the difference?" You can then tell him, lovingly. Luckily, there is an easy fix... it involves cooking him a big meal and lots of sex for dessert... and next time you send him to the market, ask for a single easily defined item, like a bottle of tobacco sauce - and as long as he doesn't bring home a puppy, be happy you have such a helpful man... :love:

 

Well right now, money is tight. My business has a huge cash flow problem & we just had several unexpected large expenses. One of the reasons I couldn't go to the store myself is I was working in an effort to stop the financial hemorrhaging. It's not like I was sitting around eating bonbons expecting him to wait on me.

 

We have given up a vacation & going out to eat to save money. We both need new cars. We decided against a night out with friends last night because we didn't have the money. So with a shared goal of trying to save money, for him to buy the more expensive organic, convenience foods -- pre cut etc. -- which is so much less of a value I was unhappy; instead of getting 6 meals we're only getting 3 & those 3 are 3x the price. That pushed one of my buttons.

 

One of the things my husband has always said is he loves the fact that we live well on a shoe string because while I can be extravagant, I'm tight with a dollar & we do a lot with a little. Well that involves not buying $14 chicken.

 

It was never about the dollars themselves. We're not in the poorhouse but it is about the principle. I have always tried to live by the idea that a penny saved is a penny earned.

 

While this is a cute story, it somewhat annoys me that it's viewed as "helpful" when a man does something as basic and integral to adult function as grocery shopping, lol. If both people are working full-time and contributing equally to finances, doing household chores or groceries isn't "helping", it's just doing your part as a functional adult. I mean, wouldn't it be viewed as utterly preposterous if we said the OP was "a very helpful woman" for "helping to carry the baby", or something of that sort? ;)

 

That being said, I agree that battles should be picked, and $10 or even $50 really shouldn't be the hill that a couple dies on!

 

Thank you Elswyth. That is my point. My husband lives here too & he's going to eat this food.

 

I didn't start a fight. I came on here about it because I became the brunt of misplaced anger -- raised voices, muttered curses, things slammed on the counter. That scared me.

 

I tried to calm things down. I repeatedly said thank you & how much I appreciate him doing this. I poured him a cold drink & said I'd put everything away myself.

 

Part of it is I don't like personal confrontation. Moreover he was too angry for too long for the situation. That scared me.

 

Nobody jump to the conclusion that I'm being abused or anything. That is not what is happening. Anger just scares me, probably unreasonably so.

 

All in all it's not going to end our marriage. Mr. Lucky, he did apologize. He offered to have both of us go back to the store so I could show him the stuff that was on sale. I was too drained by the then. We're going to try to find a time to do the next shopping trip so he can better understand the store. I know he wasn't mad at me but at the fact that he made a costly mistake. We ended up having a nice dinner & a nice evening.

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Happy Lemming

Well right now, money is tight.

 

I, completely, understand what you are talking about. You do a budget, you want to control the expenses that are controllable, but you don't want to eat "beans and rice" at every meal.

 

There are expenses that you can't control or predict, flat tire on the car, fan belt breaks, stuff like that. That $14 may help pay for that flat repair or buy that fan belt.

 

Through careful planning and budgeting you were trying to purchase some meats and poultry without going over budget and you felt like your efforts were "thrown to the wind" because your husband didn't care enough to pay attention to the prices on the packages.

 

You are in this financial crisis together and you feel like he isn't as concerned about it as you are, otherwise he would have double and triple checked all of the prices and descriptions on the items.

 

I take a lot of GRIEF from my girlfriend about similar things. I'm trying to stay on budget and she only wants, what she wants. We've had HUGE fights about going out to dinner at fancy restaurants. I've told her I'm not going to spend two weeks worth of food budget for one meal. End of discussion. I will try to buy meats, poultry or fish when they are on sale or clearance and freeze them for later meals.

 

I just wanted to reiterate that I understand and can empathize with your frustration.

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Thank you Elswyth. That is my point. My husband lives here too & he's going to eat this food.

 

I didn't start a fight. I came on here about it because I became the brunt of misplaced anger -- raised voices, muttered curses, things slammed on the counter. That scared me.

 

I tried to calm things down. I repeatedly said thank you & how much I appreciate him doing this. I poured him a cold drink & said I'd put everything away myself.

 

Part of it is I don't like personal confrontation. Moreover he was too angry for too long for the situation. That scared me.

 

Nobody jump to the conclusion that I'm being abused or anything. That is not what is happening. Anger just scares me, probably unreasonably so.

 

All in all it's not going to end our marriage. Mr. Lucky, he did apologize. He offered to have both of us go back to the store so I could show him the stuff that was on sale. I was too drained by the then. We're going to try to find a time to do the next shopping trip so he can better understand the store. I know he wasn't mad at me but at the fact that he made a costly mistake. We ended up having a nice dinner & a nice evening.

 

 

That reaction from him does sound overboard, so I'm really glad he apologized and that both of you managed to work out a plan for the future.

 

 

Financial issues are the worst, I empathized. While money can't buy happiness, lack of money can cause a LOT of stress, a more difficult living situation, and yes, more conflict. I was amazed by how our relationship and virtually everything else magically improved when we finally worked our way out of financial difficulties. Hope things improve soon for you both, too.

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amaysngrace

I ageee with Elswyth about the stress factor contributing to his reaction. Stress is a horrible thing that is much better out than in.

 

So there is that.

 

At least he apologized :love:

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to the poster who suggested that her husband is whipped, I say BULL. Grocery bills and what constitutes "necessary" items are an intregal part of the marriage squawkfest because of differing viewpoints.

 

my contribution: Unless HE decides that it's important to get the sales items, my husband is horrible about going overboard when it comes to meat purchases. Drives me nuts, but I tell myself that he's got the better sense about buying that kind of thing, so I will defer to said purchases, even though *I* think we could be smarter about it. And yeah, we've been doing this nearly 30 years now, and it still gets to me that he can drop that kind of money on meat, then gripe about the spending!!!!!

 

but, what can you do? :cool:

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He didn't want to do it, so he did it wrong, so you won't ask him to do it, again.

 

I had the same problem with my girlfriend. I was working on dinner and I asked her to peel the potatoes. She murdered those potatoes... She tried to blame the potato peeler, the potatoes, my kitchen, etc. In the end, she didn't want to do it, so she did it poorly, so I won't ask her to do it, again.

 

For the record, I'm king of buying cheap meats & poultry. I got a whole chicken on clearance, yesterday for $1.74. I threw that bird into the crock pot, cooked 'em up and am making a few meals out of it.

 

Yep, your husband did the poor task so you don't have him do it again.

 

How old is he?

 

Now he knows you won't ask him again and he's happy about that!

 

 

Send him again next week... see if he can improve his skills by learning a bit at a time to be more accurate. Expect to lose money as he learns to be sufficient at a menial task.

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Send him back with request for rice, beans and pasta.

 

Tell him those are the three dinners you all will eat to make up for the three meals you won't have meat for.

 

See if he gets the plan... let him eat next to nothing for three days to compensate a poor purchase. With every error there is a consequence.

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Send him back with request for rice, beans and pasta.

 

Tell him those are the three dinners you all will eat to make up for the three meals you won't have meat for.

 

See if he gets the plan... let him eat next to nothing for three days to compensate a poor purchase. With every error there is a consequence.

 

 

Wow, way to ruin a marriage over a few dollars? :confused: He's not a child. If you treat your partner like a child, you're going to start a long, painful descent into divorce.

 

 

 

Her husband has already apologized and offered to learn. That's enough.

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lana-banana

Out of curiosity, how did your husband cook for himself before you were together? I agree that his reaction was overboard and it's not fair to be annoyed when someone else doesn't do a task exactly as directed, but grocery shopping is not rocket science. I would also be baffled if an adult said "all chicken and steak is the same." Is he that helpless with other basic things? Does it contribute to your feeling overburdened by household tasks?

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It was important to you that it was done in a certain way, your certain way, in specifics. It wasnt important to him, he saw food, he bought it.

 

Same was if my SO told me to go change the oil in my truck. I dont care if he gave me detailed directions on what to buy and what to do, if it even got done, it would have been done badly (actually I would have taken it to a drive thru and had them do it). But you get my drift.

 

I think you made him feel like a 6 year old with all the instructions on how to buy groceries. He probably just wants to drive thru McDonalds and be done with it.

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Wow, way to ruin a marriage over a few dollars? :confused: He's not a child. If you treat your partner like a child, you're going to start a long, painful descent into divorce.

 

 

 

Her husband has already apologized and offered to learn. That's enough.

 

 

Why would you look at it this way?

 

With every action there's consequences. His consequences for his prior purchase.

 

Why would he not have to see what his actions created? It's not like it's a punishment - it's the consequence of providing his family by his choices with three meals instead of the planned six.

 

He can understand fully well how his purchase affects the meals he will eat this week - while spending minimal money to obtain more meals.

 

Coddling any person who makes obvious errors isn't the way they learn - they learn by seeing the consequences of what THEY have created.

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I admit I have no idea what top or bottom round is :D To me meat is meat, whatever. I'd be super stressed if I had a spouse sending me to shop with a list including pictures... Why wouldn't just go yourself if you're that particular?

 

Big picture: unless you're feeding a family of 10, groceries for a week are nothing in the big financial picture. Is it even worth arguing over something so insignificant?

 

 

I had a lot to do today so I sent my husband to the grocery store with a list, the color weekly circular (including pictures), coupons & an app for the store. There were some great sales I didn't want to miss.

 

He bought almost all the wrong stuff. I asked for the whole chicken breasts on sale. He bought tiny, pre sliced, organic chicken filets for more than 3x the price. I asked for bottom round on sale; he brought home top round for 4x the price.

 

When I asked him about it, he got angry & defensive saying chicken & steak are all the same & there were no signs. I showed him the price & weight tags on the items & he stormed off in a huff mumbling about the store being stupid & badly run.

 

I know he's embarrassed that he got duped. I was trying to educate him not pi$$ him off. He's also threatening to never help again, which is unacceptable to me.

 

How do I soothe the wounded male ego?

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