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Recently Married and Having Issues About Past


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dmueller9834

Hey All,

 

Met my now wife on Match back in Dec of 2013. started dating 1/4/2014; engaged 1/2/2016 and married 6/10/2017. For most of our relationship and now marriage it has been good but we've had our fights and disagreements like everyone else I'm sure. However there is an issue with my her past and her stating that she feels I'm some what controlling her.

 

Back story:

 

I have been with 4 women previously (all one night stands) to meeting my now wife, yes our first date happened to lead to sex later that night. However my wife has been with 20 guys or so, most all were one night stands during her early college years. I was open with her and described all of my relationships, with whom, what happened, sex no sex etc. I am extremely transparent and a fully open book. My then gf now wife has described the reason all of this happened is because she had no self worth, no self esteem and this all started because she lost her best friend in a motorcycle accident. She has never reached out to get counseling on the matter to help guide herself down the right path, all of these one night stands occurred due to alcohol consumption and fart / house parties. I guess i view the things she did with all these guys different then just the traditional sex I with these ladies, i view 4 less of a damaging past then 20 and the fact me being sober and the ladies being sober is a better evil or issue compared to her being drunk and the guys being sober and also being drunk. i feel she purposely put herself in those situations of consuming alcohol and being around guys.

 

Flash forward to me - i don't drink, don't smoke, compete in bodybuilding and powerlifting, B.S. in nutrition, exercise, health sciences. I would be classified as the total opposite of her life style. All my no night stands were just that and involved no alcohol, I knew what i was getting myself into.

 

Moving onto control:

 

I want to know her past the same way i described mine, if I was so open and honest I wanted that same respect back no matter how painful because I was just trying to help her. She has still continued to not want to seek counseling for her past and for copping for it correctly? She gave me minimal information about her past just enough to paint a picture.

 

Flash forward to 2015 as our relationship was starting to get serious i seen she gets a texts from another guy (could tell by the name) but she tells me it is her mom, i play it off and don't let is worry me. We get back to my place and I'll admit i ripped into her pretty good, I've never been a cheater but I've always been cheated on. She admits that she lied and she said she lied because she didn't want me to get angry. HOWEVER I am the type of person who it is just better to tell up front then to lie and tell the truth later.

 

Now onto our current marriage:

 

*currently my wife is no longer a drinker, exercises a ton; has got in really great shape from where she was when we first met and all that goes to herself and wanting to better herself inside and out*

 

*She is also going for her masters in Education Administration, she is currently going to be a 6th year 2nd grade school teacher, 2nd grade co-team lead teacher, head coach of 7th grade volleyball*

 

Through all of this however I am finding myself struggling with her past a ton. I am always thinking "did she enjoy sex with those men, were they bigger than i am, did they look better, did she orgasm more with these men etc". The thing i struggle most with is she let these other men do different positions / acts to her but won't let me do them to her (maybe use a towel to lightly tie her wrist to the headboard, finish on her boobs / face, anal, DP - for her pleasure dildo / beads in her vagina / ass and my penis in her vagina or ass opposite of the dildo. I am told by her, she is uncomfortable, I don't enjoy that, I did those things because i had no self esteem.

 

So how this makes me feel is :

 

"She let all these dudes have sex with her and doing some things I've always wanted to do with my future wife". Now I'm told no you can't, I don't like that, doesn't feel good etc. However I do things sexually for her all the time that i don't always want to do (IE finger / use vibrator for an hour on her to get her off and it wears my hand down), do a quickie before the gym (lose all my stamina for the gym etc). I came from a family where the man did things to please the wife and the wife did things to please the man, no questions asked and there was never a NO between man or women.

 

Now following up on her control comment:

 

There is times she will want to go out with friends to drinks, party, go to bars or dinner. I don't attend as that isn't my style, all my friends are like minded like me and so we have fun without drinking or partying. i have recently started to urge her not to attend these sorts of functions with her friends. i have a fear of her getting drunk, kissing or making out with a guy due to her lying to me about her text message a while back in 2015. I am pretty solid on my stance in marriage. IF she were to kiss, makeout or have sex with a guy all of her stuff would be sitting on the lawn attached with divorce papers. i don't play around and i act with the upmost respect towards her, everytime i meet a lady either in private like at work or around my wife I always say I'm married first. I NEVER want another women to think otherwise as i love my married life. However with urging her not to go, or getting mad at her if she drink (she complains about her body image, well i don't feel sorry because if you want to be super fit, super healthy etc then drinking isn't part of the lifestyle). She gets upset at me because i get upset at her for drinking, when in all honesty I am just wary of her putting herself in these similar situations and having an accident happen that she would never be able to make right ever again.

 

I just feel like during sex when she says i'm ruining the moment or when she says I'm controlling her that one of these times when she goes out its going to be all over for her and something she will regret for a long long time. I have taken the view that I will be a loyal husband and lover and there is nothing i can do to change the outcome of any situation, i use to have extreme anxiety about all of this now i feel much more at peace since I've sort of stopped caring in a way if something happens so to speak.

 

Can anyone help me out?

 

Thanks!!

Edited by dmueller9834
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Hey All,

 

Met my now wife on Match back in Dec of 2013. started dating 1/4/2014; engaged 1/2/2016 and married 6/10/2017. For most of our relationship and now marriage it has been good but we've had our fights and disagreements like everyone else I'm sure. However there is an issue with my her past and her stating that she feels I'm some what controlling her.

 

Back story:

 

I have been with 4 women previously (all one night stands) to meeting my now wife, yes our first date happened to lead to sex later that night. However my wife has been with 20 guys or so, most all were one night stands during her early college years. I was open with her and described all of my relationships, with whom, what happened, sex no sex etc. I am extremely transparent and a fully open book. My then gf now wife has described the reason all of this happened is because she had no self worth, no self esteem and this all started because she lost her best friend in a motorcycle accident. She has never reached out to get counseling on the matter to help guide herself down the right path, all of these one night stands occurred due to alcohol consumption and fart / house parties. I guess i view the things she did with all these guys different then just the traditional sex I with these ladies, i view 4 less of a damaging past then 20 and the fact me being sober and the ladies being sober is a better evil or issue compared to her being drunk and the guys being sober and also being drunk. i feel she purposely put herself in those situations of consuming alcohol and being around guys.

 

Flash forward to me - i don't drink, don't smoke, compete in bodybuilding and powerlifting, B.S. in nutrition, exercise, health sciences. I would be classified as the total opposite of her life style. All my no night stands were just that and involved no alcohol, I knew what i was getting myself into.

 

Moving onto control:

 

I want to know her past the same way i described mine, if I was so open and honest I wanted that same respect back no matter how painful because I was just trying to help her. She has still continued to not want to seek counseling for her past and for copping for it correctly? She gave me minimal information about her past just enough to paint a picture.

 

Flash forward to 2015 as our relationship was starting to get serious i seen she gets a texts from another guy (could tell by the name) but she tells me it is her mom, i play it off and don't let is worry me. We get back to my place and I'll admit i ripped into her pretty good, I've never been a cheater but I've always been cheated on. She admits that she lied and she said she lied because she didn't want me to get angry. HOWEVER I am the type of person who it is just better to tell up front then to lie and tell the truth later.

 

Now onto our current marriage:

 

*currently my wife is no longer a drinker, exercises a ton; has got in really great shape from where she was when we first met and all that goes to herself and wanting to better herself inside and out*

 

*She is also going for her masters in Education Administration, she is currently going to be a 6th year 2nd grade school teacher, 2nd grade co-team lead teacher, head coach of 7th grade volleyball*

 

Through all of this however I am finding myself struggling with her past a ton. I am always thinking "did she enjoy sex with those men, were they bigger than i am, did they look better, did she orgasm more with these men etc". The thing i struggle most with is she let these other men do different positions / acts to her but won't let me do them to her (maybe use a towel to lightly tie her wrist to the headboard, finish on her boobs / face, anal, DP - for her pleasure dildo / beads in her vagina / ass and my penis in her vagina or ass opposite of the dildo. I am told by her, she is uncomfortable, I don't enjoy that, I did those things because i had no self esteem.

 

So how this makes me feel is :

 

"She let all these dudes have sex with her and doing some things I've always wanted to do with my future wife". Now I'm told no you can't, I don't like that, doesn't feel good etc. However I do things sexually for her all the time that i don't always want to do (IE finger / use vibrator for an hour on her to get her off and it wears my hand down), do a quickie before the gym (lose all my stamina for the gym etc). I came from a family where the man did things to please the wife and the wife did things to please the man, no questions asked and there was never a NO between man or women.

 

Now following up on her control comment:

 

There is times she will want to go out with friends to drinks, party, go to bars or dinner. I don't attend as that isn't my style, all my friends are like minded like me and so we have fun without drinking or partying. i have recently started to urge her not to attend these sorts of functions with her friends. i have a fear of her getting drunk, kissing or making out with a guy due to her lying to me about her text message a while back in 2015. I am pretty solid on my stance in marriage. IF she were to kiss, makeout or have sex with a guy all of her stuff would be sitting on the lawn attached with divorce papers. i don't play around and i act with the upmost respect towards her, everytime i meet a lady either in private like at work or around my wife I always say I'm married first. I NEVER want another women to think otherwise as i love my married life. However with urging her not to go, or getting mad at her if she drink (she complains about her body image, well i don't feel sorry because if you want to be super fit, super healthy etc then drinking isn't part of the lifestyle). She gets upset at me because i get upset at her for drinking, when in all honesty I am just wary of her putting herself in these similar situations and having an accident happen that she would never be able to make right ever again.

 

I just feel like during sex when she says i'm ruining the moment or when she says I'm controlling her that one of these times when she goes out its going to be all over for her and something she will regret for a long long time. I have taken the view that I will be a loyal husband and lover and there is nothing i can do to change the outcome of any situation, i use to have extreme anxiety about all of this now i feel much more at peace since I've sort of stopped caring in a way if something happens so to speak.

 

Can anyone help me out?

 

Thanks!!

So what's the issue? She had sex in college before she met you? If I'm being honest, you sound controlling and off.

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dmueller9834
So what's the issue? She had sex in college before she met you? If I'm being honest, you sound controlling and off.

 

The issue to me is her doesn't understand how it makes me feel. I could have retroactive jealousy, i'm not ashamed of that. I don't get the sense that she cares how it makes me feel, she used sex in college to cope for losing her best friend in a fatal accident. I would like her to seek counseling to confront those issues with me there or not. I feel she still chooses the lifestyle (from a social standpoint) that got her to have sex with 20 guys. I guess I'm affected by that and that I'm not allowed to do anything those guys were allowed to do. I just feel like being her husband I should be allowed more. I know i allow her to do more stuff because she is my wife.

 

Maybe I am controlling? i just feel that the choices of drinking, bars, lying about a text message even though it was three years ago could lead to her slipping up so to speak. i don't go out much because I don't want to put myself in situations where something sexually may happen with another women.

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The issue to me is her doesn't understand how it makes me feel. I could have retroactive jealousy, i'm not ashamed of that. I don't get the sense that she cares how it makes me feel, she used sex in college to cope for losing her best friend in a fatal accident. I would like her to seek counseling to confront those issues with me there or not. I feel she still chooses the lifestyle (from a social standpoint) that got her to have sex with 20 guys. I guess I'm affected by that and that I'm not allowed to do anything those guys were allowed to do. I just feel like being her husband I should be allowed more. I know i allow her to do more stuff because she is my wife.

 

Maybe I am controlling? i just feel that the choices of drinking, bars, lying about a text message even though it was three years ago could lead to her slipping up so to speak. i don't go out much because I don't want to put myself in situations where something sexually may happen with another women.

 

I'm not trying to be an azz, but this sounds horrible. I'm guessing you will chase her off soon. Dude relax, she was a kid for course she didn't handle losing her friend well.

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Stop asking! The details will make things worse. She was a fool for telling you as much as she did.

 

 

You know she wasn't a virgin when you married her. You know she's "more experienced" then you are. She may have been a bit wild as young collegian on her own for the 1st time but now she's a responsible adult, who doesn't drink & comports herself with decorum. You married the woman she is now, not the child she was then.

 

 

If you press this you will end up in divorce court. The details are already eating you up. Your anxiety has changed the way you treat her & view her. She knows this & feels as though you now see her as disposably as those college boys saw her drunken promiscuous younger self.

 

A few drinks is not the same as binge drinking in college. Unless she's missing work or risking DWI get off her back about this.

 

 

Do consider marriage counseling. She has bad memories of certain sexual acts because they degraded her at the time. If she can be convinced to look at it from a loving pleasurable place & that she would be engaging in these things with you to strengthen your marriage that may help her to be willing to try. Do not come at her from a forceful place; she will view you as degrading her too.

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dmueller9834
I'm not trying to be an azz, but this sounds horrible. I'm guessing you will chase her off soon. Dude relax, she was a kid for course she didn't handle losing her friend well.

 

Thank you, I understand your view. I will seek some counseling for myself because I don't want to sabotage my marriage.

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I have been with 4 women previously (all one night stands) to meeting my now wife,

 

dmueller9834, I think this is key right here. If I'm reading this correctly, you were never in a real, extended relationship before you met your wife?

 

If true, you missed some valuable learning experiences most of us get out of the way much earlier on. Many of us made the same mistakes you're making now when the stakes were lower, and ruining things with a high school GF is a lot less damaging than torpedoing your marriage.

 

So you've gotten good advice. Absent an '82 DeLorean, the past is the past. Let it remain there and learn how to enjoy the now. Counseling will indeed be a help. Hope things go well...

 

Mr. Lucky

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The past is the past, let it go...

 

Your desire to continue to discuss the past and learn all the details makes you sound insecure and controlling.

 

The details that matter are what is happening in your relationship, right now. Look forward, not back.

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You opened up fully to her. Whom prompted it? Did she ask, or did you volunteer? If you volunteered, you had no right to expect the same info from her.

 

Just as asking about numbers is a no no, so is asking for explicit details.

 

You owe her an apology. And stop nagging on about her needing therapy! Consider setting her free now if you're deathly afraid it's going to happen anyway. Jeez.

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Lotsgoingon

I don't know if what I'm gonna say will make sense or seems relevant.

 

But I experienced some of what you seem to be feeling right now ... I dated a woman who spontaneously slept with some guys ... and learning this freaked me out over time ... and I'm not a jealous guy ... I don't expect my partners to be virgins.

 

So this is what could be going on:

 

Basically you don't feel the lust and raw passion from your wife (and your sex life with her) ... that you imagine she brought to those other drunken encounters.

 

Ideally, we want to marry someone who makes us feel like a king, like the king. We want to marry someone who ... when we're with them ... we feel totally secure and accepted and loved and admired ... and (this is also key) ... lusted for.

 

What might be disturbing you ... is that you are picking up this absence of raw, primitive lust in your relationship with her (from her side towards you) ... If that's what you are experiencing (doesn't matter how much she "loves" you and thinks you are a wonderful guy) ... it's easy to get jealous of her previous "wild" encounters.

 

So the real issue isn't that she slept with people in the past ... The issue is that your current relationship status does not make you feel secure and loved and treasured ...

 

If you're not feeling the lust from her (like occasional tear-off-the-clothes passion) then it makes sense that you would wonder ...... what if she wants to go back to the way she was in the past!?

 

Question: do you feel like she is raw and passionate in her desire for you? Having sorta OK sex isn't enough? I'm sensing (by how hard you explain you work during sex and focus on her) that you indeed feel more turned on by her than she is to you.

 

Keep in mind that a lot of people marry a "good man" or a "good woman" ... thinking that the raw passion isn't relevant as long as they are reasonably attracted to the other person. In my experience, that thinking is flawed. Raw passion is as important as personality and goodness and all the high-level qualities.

 

Does this make any sense? I can say more about what to do if this does make some sense and resonates with you.

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I'm not sure what you mean when you say you want your wife to be open about her past sexual encounters like you were with her. It sounds like you know plenty about her past already. You know about how many there were, what sex acts were performed and your wife has even given you her reasons for her prior sex life. What more do need to know? You know enough, you have no right to demand every little detail of her past life.

 

Now I do have some sympathy for you regarding your wife's apparent unwillingness to do anything fun and adventurous in the bedroom. NOT because she did those thing with other men in the past, but because it's perfectly normal and healthy to explore new sexual experiences within a marriage. It sounds like your wife refuses all of your suggestions, saying she only did those things because of her low self esteem, yet the acts you requested don't require low self esteem. Does your wife think that only women with low self-esteem enjoy adventurous sex with their husbands? That seems to be the real issue.

 

If you want more fun in the bedroom then explain to your wife that as partners for life you should be able to look to each other for sexual fulfillment and that sex within a loving respectful marriage is not degrading and should not affect her level of esteem. Being sexually desired by one's husband is usually an esteem builder. What you have asked your wife is pretty tame and if she outright refuses all of it then I think you have a right to be concerned. If your wife seriously regards all of your requests as degrading to her than I would suggest counselling for both of you.

 

You should not be shamed because you desire some variety in the bedroom. That is perfectly normal and healthy. So if that is the issue then you are within your rights to have a discussion with your wife and expect her to work with you on this. HOWEVER, leave her past out of it! If you continue to harass her about her past or try to control her freedoms based on her past then you are barking up the wrong tree and you will do nothing but harm to her and her marriage. Her past is not your business or concern and you need to leave it alone.

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Lotsgoing makes some valid points. Everyone wants their partner to make them feel desired.

 

However, he fails to understand the woman's perspective in all this.

 

I sincerely doubt the wife's past was wild unbridled passion. It was college. She had been binge drinking & had low self esteem. So in her drunken state if any guy paid attention to her, she gave it up to him not because she liked him or even lusted after him but because she thought she had to in order to fit in. She probably laid there in shame letting this guy who was just using her do whatever, hoping desperately that if she said yes, often enough, & to enough freaky stuff some guy would date her & his popularity would rub off on him, insulating her from social isolation. But because she let these college boys use her in degrading ways, they probably saw her as used goods, to be passed around the frat house, not GF material. When they rejected her, she experienced even more shame & humiliation.

 

This was not the plot of some porno. It was a heart-wrenching tale of the depths to which some poor girls sink when they have low self esteem.

 

She matured & Got her act together. As an adult she met & married the OP who she thought respected her. Then he pressed for details of her past. he claims it was for transparency & trust but it was really his own insecure because he had an unfulfilling sex life prior to marriage. She gave her husband too many details because he pressed & now he wants her to behave in the same degrading manner she worked to overcome. The man who is supposed to love her most in the world is telling her their marriage is in trouble because she won't go back to being humiliated.

 

dmueller9834 may think the acts she engaged in represent great passion & sex. She probably sees them as her being brutalized & there is nothing loving or sexy about that.

 

With counseling I hope you two can find a middle ground where you get a spicier sex life but that she retains her dignity.

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Doorstopper

In only a couple of posts its difficult to see the full relationship between you and your wife but I think you are creating a metal block for her, and your post seems to have a few contradictions.

 

You, the straight-laced non-drinker want your wife to be the same. To change into someone with the same ideals as you. WAIT A MINUTE! At the same time you want that promiscuous college student that she once was.

 

You are basically saying to her that what she did was not OK and that you are not comfortable with her past, while the other side of your mouth is saying "I want you to do those things with me".

 

It sounds like you and your wife had/have very different lifestyles. Why don't you take a walk towards hers instead of forcing her into yours? There is a really good chance you might both be happier. Right now, it seems that the only side of your wife's lifestyle you want, is her former promiscuity.

 

Sexual exploration has to come from a point of love and understanding rather than a quid pro quo, a vow, or a ring. Make the relationship strong and those things may come. Right now, it does not seem very strong. I know that you think that you are the only one who is not getting what they want, but I bet that your wife feels the same way. I think MC would be very helpful.

 

Finally, You have to remember that college is a time of exploration and trying things that we may never try again (sexually and in other ways). Your wife didn't choose a straight-laced, non drinker because she wanted to continue to be sexual promiscuous party animal (possibly an bit of an exaggeration here). This thought must have have gone through your mind at some point.

 

Good Luck

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You need to watch the movie “Chasing Amy” right now!

 

Also, as others have said, leave the past in the past. My now-husband has sex with 30+ people before me. That freaked me out. And when he told me he experimented sexually with a male friend around the age of 12 years old growing up that freaked me out A LOT. I’ve never engaged in experimentation with the same sex. What did he learn from all that? He wanted a loving committed monogamous relationship with a girl. And so here I am. His last freaked me out. He’s had threesomes, etc, stuff I never did! But who he was back then is not who he is now, 20 years later. So I had to let go of my judgment and look at who he is right now.

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Lotsgoingon

d0nnivain,

 

Some great points ... of course, lots of this wife's college sex life wasn't great ... and probably is tinted with shame.

 

But not necessarily so ... and not completely so.

 

There's an equally likely chance that she's overstating the drunkenness ... because she doesn't want to own up to her sexual appetites as a younger person ...especially if she thinks her husband, the OP, will judge her ... which he certainly is (society too judges young women's sexuality).

 

I realize I'm giving the husband a sympathetic reading here ... because I have experienced something like this ...

 

I'm thinking there is some current disconnect because if the OP and his wife were able to make deep passionate love ... which is way better than anything else ... I think that puts to rest ... all the husband's worry about her previous kink.

 

My guess: they're not making deep passionate love ... he knows that ... he feels it ... So he's thinking of kink ... She's probably uncomfortable discussing her lack of lust ... because well ... she wishes it weren't true (as someone said on this board about another matter).

 

We're all guessing here ... but I have noticed that if I'm feeling good in the present moment ... my worries about someone's past ... just seem to evaporate ...

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d0nnivain,

 

Some great points ... of course, lots of this wife's college sex life wasn't great ... and probably is tinted with shame.

 

But not necessarily so ... and not completely so.

 

There's an equally likely chance that she's overstating the drunkenness ... because she doesn't want to own up to her sexual appetites as a younger person ...especially if she thinks her husband, the OP, will judge her ... which he certainly is (society too judges young women's sexuality).

 

I realize I'm giving the husband a sympathetic reading here ... because I have experienced something like this ...

 

I'm thinking there is some current disconnect because if the OP and his wife were able to make deep passionate love ... which is way better than anything else ... I think that puts to rest ... all the husband's worry about her previous kink.

 

My guess: they're not making deep passionate love ... he knows that ... he feels it ... So he's thinking of kink ... She's probably uncomfortable discussing her lack of lust ... because well ... she wishes it weren't true (as someone said on this board about another matter).

 

We're all guessing here ... but I have noticed that if I'm feeling good in the present moment ... my worries about someone's past ... just seem to evaporate ...

 

I think for many women its important that the man she is in a relationship makes her feel safe with her sexuality. Women are conditioned from a young age to think sex is bad unless, enter circumstances here________. OP is clearly not making her feel safe, while it may not be his intent, he is being hostile about her sexual past which has absolutely nothing to do with him. She was honest with him and he has reacted poorly

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I think for many women its important that the man she is in a relationship makes her feel safe with her sexuality. Women are conditioned from a young age to think sex is bad unless, enter circumstances here________. OP is clearly not making her feel safe, while it may not be his intent, he is being hostile about her sexual past which has absolutely nothing to do with him.

 

So true.

 

The thing i struggle most with is she let these other men do different positions / acts to her but won't let me do them to her (maybe use a towel to lightly tie her wrist to the headboard, finish on her boobs / face, anal, DP - for her pleasure dildo / beads in her vagina / ass and my penis in her vagina or ass opposite of the dildo. I am told by her, she is uncomfortable, I don't enjoy that, I did those things because i had no self esteem.[/Quote]

 

One of the things that jumped out to me was the discussion about why she did things in her sexual past that she wouldn't do with him... Truth is, she probably did things with men when she was younger that she didn't feel good about. With time and wisdom, it's likely that she has developed more self respect and healthier boundaries... which is why, she is not as willing to allow herself to be used as a toy to fulfil a man's every sexual fantasy. The fact that she has developed more self respect and better boundaries is not a bad thing... Although, OP does not agree.

 

She is not seeking counselling because she has no need to seek counselling... Unless, she wants to talk about her current husband and the future of her marriage...

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BettyDraper

Why would you marry a woman with a colorful past if you couldn't handle her experiences?

 

It seems like you look down on your wife while wanting to further humiliate her in bed.

 

I only use the word "humiliate" because your wife is uncomfortable with repeating certain sex acts.

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bathtub-row

I suspect that the reason you were so transparent about your past was so that you could draw her out and get all the facts about her past. Look, you married her knowing enough of her past. What the heck else is there to tell, for crying out loud. What do you want? A blow by blow (no pun intended) of every one night stand? She probably doesn’t even remember them and most likely doesn’t give a fig about them.

 

I’m sure you can’t see it but you’re kind of sounding like a control freak. You might think you have a right to drag this information out of her but you don’t. It was pre-you. End of story. Your marriage is going to fall apart if you don’t figure out really quickly that your wife is not your possession.

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BettyDraper
I suspect that the reason you were so transparent about your past was so that you could draw her out and get all the facts about her past. Look, you married her knowing enough of her past. What the heck else is there to tell, for crying out loud. What do you want? A blow by blow (no pun intended) of every one night stand? She probably doesn’t even remember them and most likely doesn’t give a fig about them.

 

I’m sure you can’t see it but you’re kind of sounding like a control freak. You might think you have a right to drag this information out of her but you don’t. It was pre-you. End of story. Your marriage is going to fall apart if you don’t figure out really quickly that your wife is not your possession.

 

He could also realize that he is the only man who is with his wife now and those other men don't matter.

 

As long as the wife doesn't have any STIs or long lost children, I fail to see why her past matters so much-especially since the OP married his wife knowing about her promiscuity! Why didn't he just walk away while they were dating?

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I'm not trying to be an azz, but this sounds horrible. I'm guessing you will chase her off soon. Dude relax, she was a kid for course she didn't handle losing her friend well.

 

Your missing the point. His wife is still living the destructive life in his eyes.

 

Many spouses have cheated in this type of circumstance.

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Here is the thing, you knew she was basically the frat house ***** before you married her. By the way it wasn’t just 20 guys.

 

There are many guys that have been told by their now wife no to things in the bedroom they did with others before hand. It’s a I did all my experimenting in college, to bad for you my husband. Total BS in my opinion. So now that you waited to do different things with your wife your out of luck.

 

Another thing you have to wonder about, how many pics or vids are out there of her doing these guys? Let’s be honest she wasn’t in a relationship with these guys so why would they have any respect for her.

 

You should never have married her. Think twice before starting a family. Think hard about the future. She is refusing to get any counseling and basically telling you to live with your disappointments in your marriage with no regard to you.

 

As to controlling I don’t see it. You are worried about your marriage and her welfare. You aren’t coming at it from a stand point of “No I don’t want you seeing your friends”. That would be controlling.

 

As far as spoiling the mood in bed, you have sexual desires just like everyone. She just did it all beforehand and is telling you to bad get over it. But she still wants you to take care of her little needs now with no regulars to yours.

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Why is everyone defending his wife?

 

Op came into the marriage with the thought of experiencing certain things with HIS wife. Just like HE is her husband. She is basically telling him to F off. It doesn’t matter that she was willing to do all these things with others. The point is she is tell her husband hell no, not going to happen.

 

What man would be ok with that?

 

He isn’t wanting a play by play he wants to do things with his wife that he waited until he was married to do. To which his wife has no sexual desire to do for or with him.

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Why is everyone defending his wife?

 

Op came into the marriage with the thought of experiencing certain things with HIS wife. Just like HE is her husband. She is basically telling him to F off. It doesn’t matter that she was willing to do all these things with others. The point is she is tell her husband hell no, not going to happen.

 

What man would be ok with that?

 

He isn’t wanting a play by play he wants to do things with his wife that he waited until he was married to do. To which his wife has no sexual desire to do for or with him.

 

Because she is not obligated by the simple fact that they are married to have beads shoved in her a$$ while he plows her just because she did it at a different time in her life.

 

I agree there should be some give and take in the bedroom, but you don't get to dictate what your partner is and isn't comfortable with.

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Here is the thing, you knew she was basically the frat house ***** before you married her. By the way it wasn’t just 20 guys.

 

There are many guys that have been told by their now wife no to things in the bedroom they did with others before hand. It’s a I did all my experimenting in college, to bad for you my husband. Total BS in my opinion. So now that you waited to do different things with your wife your out of luck.

 

Another thing you have to wonder about, how many pics or vids are out there of her doing these guys? Let’s be honest she wasn’t in a relationship with these guys so why would they have any respect for her.

 

You should never have married her. Think twice before starting a family. Think hard about the future. She is refusing to get any counseling and basically telling you to live with your disappointments in your marriage with no regard to you.

 

As to controlling I don’t see it. You are worried about your marriage and her welfare. You aren’t coming at it from a stand point of “No I don’t want you seeing your friends”. That would be controlling.

 

As far as spoiling the mood in bed, you have sexual desires just like everyone. She just did it all beforehand and is telling you to bad get over it. But she still wants you to take care of her little needs now with no regulars to yours.

 

Should end “no regard to yours”

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