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No husband support with medical or health related issues


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My husband says he cares so much for me but it feels like he does superficially.

He has not accompanied me nor offered to accompany me for any kind of support to any medical appointments I go to.

 

One example: I had several UTIs, peeing blood with severe back pains and had to go see different specialists. They found a stone in my kidney and found a tumor on my ovary. They wanted me to go to several specialists/doctors. I got anxious and made him aware of the issues. This happened few months after his knee surgery. He never asked how I was feeling nor reminded me to go see a doctor nor offer any comforting actions. I find it unfair because when he had his knee surgery, I took off from work and took care of him, drove and accompany him to all of his doctor's appointment and therapies while his mother was being nasty to me (she has borderline personality disorder).

 

When I had colds, he never offered to help with the house chores or bought cough syrup or cough drops candy.

 

I am not a needy person but I it bothers me that it seems like he has no empathy or sympathy when I dont feel alright. What made me more upset is when I learned that about a year ago before we started dating, he and his exGf had a pregnancy scare. He wanted to fly to Europe (his exgf was living in Portugal for a job, they were in a LDR for few months) and offered to accompany his ex gf to get an abortion in case she was positive that she was pregnant. He even offered to pay for the medical bills.

 

Now I'm confused and upset at him. Was he more caring towards his ex?

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What made me more upset is when I learned that about a year ago before we started dating, he and his exGf had a pregnancy scare. He wanted to fly to Europe (his exgf was living in Portugal for a job, they were in a LDR for few months) and offered to accompany his ex gf to get an abortion in case she was positive that she was pregnant. He even offered to pay for the medical bills.

 

I'd guess this was more out of concern over child support obligations than her health. If he wasn't ready to be a father, he wanted to make sure she terminated the pregnancy. I would have done the same thing.

 

My husband says he cares so much for me but it feels like he does superficially.

He has not accompanied me nor offered to accompany me for any kind of support to any medical appointments I go to.

 

Have you expressed your concerns to him and what was his response? Some men are uneasy over what they see as "female problems"...

 

Mr. Lucky

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In my experience men respond well to specific directives not generalized requests. You can't say I want more help. You have to say, "I'm sick so I need you to do the grocery shopping, make dinner, throw in a load of laundry & clean the bathroom."

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Something is very wrong here. Regardless of the health problem, your husband should make efforts to help you, or is he apathetic or stressed out?

He has no excuse. I sympathize. What do you think causes him to be like this? Or brought this about?

 

It does look like he cares more about her than you from what you say. To me, this is handwriting on the wall---(big warning) a precursor of more distant uncaring actions.

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I'd guess this was more out of concern over child support obligations than her health. If he wasn't ready to be a father, he wanted to make sure she terminated the pregnancy. I would have done the same thing.

 

 

 

Have you expressed your concerns to him and what was his response? Some men are uneasy over what they see as "female problems"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It is not about making sure she terminated the pregnancy. It is about how he was supportive of whatever decision she made. I know I shouldn't but I read the email he sent to her and there he typed about he will be there with whatever she decides and if she wants to terminate it, he is willing to fly there and be with her for the procedure and will help pay any medical bill. The ex gf didnt say anything and only responded after few weeks that she got her period.

 

I've expressed my concerns to him and he seemed unbothered. It is not just female issues, but in other medical/health issues like fever, infections, car accidents, falls etc. We got into a bad car accident a year ago, he was fine but I got almost ejected from my seat. No obvious open wounds. EMT came and I thought I was fine so I didnt want to go to the E.R. but the next day I was dizzy and my neck was sore. I mentioned it to him, and he was "oh, okay". Didnt even bother to say "why dont you go have that checked?"

 

Early this year, I slipped and fell from our outdoor concrete steps due to ice. My whole left side was black and blue. He just helped me stood up and then put salt on the steps. That's it. Not even said "are you okay? How are you feeling? did you break anyting?"

 

I told him everything about this email, his concern and support over his ex gf and everything the other day, but he just looked at me with a sad/frowned face. That's it.

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In my experience men respond well to specific directives not generalized requests. You can't say I want more help. You have to say, "I'm sick so I need you to do the grocery shopping, make dinner, throw in a load of laundry & clean the bathroom."

 

I told him several times about it. He ignored it several times too. Instead, he verbalized on how he prefers to have dinner prepared and ready when he gets home. FYI, we both are working full time. I do a lot of things in the house, yard work, carpentry, electrical and basic plumbing. When we bought the house, It was mostly me who did the packing, unpacking, cleaning,organizing and arranged the house while in pain from the tumor and kidney stone. I understand he couldn't help much because he was in crutches at that time, but a simple thank you message/note is only I expect, and nothing at all. Did not even defend me from his inconsiderate mom who kept demanding attention while I do everything. During his off days, he mostly plays games on his cellphone and go to Home depot to buy things but rarely complete a project.

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Something is very wrong here. Regardless of the health problem, your husband should make efforts to help you, or is he apathetic or stressed out?

He has no excuse. I sympathize. What do you think causes him to be like this? Or brought this about?

 

It does look like he cares more about her than you from what you say. To me, this is handwriting on the wall---(big warning) a precursor of more distant uncaring actions.

 

I know, and I missed those signs, and now we are married. I hate to say it, but Im starting to regret marrying him.

I dont know. He seemed more caring when we started dating. He used to be thoughtful like making pizza and making sure his bathroom has things for my hair. He was more accommodating.

Maybe he is now complacent? I feel like I am a slave here even though I help pay the bills. I pay for my own things and never asked money from him. It makes me think that I dont need him.

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Marriage counseling.

 

My husband initially complained that the house wasn't clean enough. My response was you helped make the mess so you either clean it up or shut up. He wisely picked clean.

 

It took us a while to get there & to really learn how to communicate with each other & function as a team. So keep working on it maybe with professional help before you throw in the towel & divorce but I can understand why you feel so frustrated. Is a cleaning person an option?

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In general, attractive and powerful men aren't usually known for their empathy. That's more the realm of soft, caring men, here usually termed 'beta'. The former are task-oriented. They aren't solicitous, rather respond to specific and clearly communicated requests. They care by doing, not feeling. When things go tits up, like a spouse or child or parent dying, watch out. The emotional mess can be epic, simply because it's always contained, controlled and managed. That's what being a man is.

 

In the case of health issues, the man can't fix it so he avoids it except getting the partner in front of a medical person. The rest is 'bla, bla'. Not interested. Can't fix. Move on.

 

That personality is typical of the alphas of my generation. It's really hard to be friends with them beyond activity-oriented because they generally lack expression of empathy or care. Everything is brief, clipped, to the point, no bla bla.

 

I know, and I missed those signs, and now we are married. I hate to say it, but Im starting to regret marrying him.

I dont know. He seemed more caring when we started dating. He used to be thoughtful like making pizza and making sure his bathroom has things for my hair. He was more accommodating.

 

That's how a man sucks the woman in and locks her down. Says and does, to an extent, what she values to get her to attach. The pros know how to meter it precisely to limit their investment and get maximum return. Impressive. I deal with guys like this every day in business. Real Jekyll/Hyde. Still, that's what society worships and reproduces with so there ya go.

 

I doubt this guy will go to MC but worth the suggestion. None of my male friends would be caught dead in a MC's office. They'd sooner write a check and adios the wife. See ya. Easy enough to replace. I used to despise that way of thinking but more and more I can see the value there. Hard to argue with success.

 

I wish you well in your journey. Hope it works out. Sucks when one has health problems and feels alone. I am alone so expect it. It's far worse feeling alone in a M. BTDT.

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Maxpower3979

I am the husband.

Hello all!

 

Cliptec sent me a link to this page, and I already had an account here. I think the intention was to show me the responses that say how bad I am, but I also see several responses that ask Cliptec to communicate more directly with me. I suppose you're now witnessing our conversation, which is definitely weird, and probably not the intention of this website...but here we go...

 

 

Cliptec,

 

I definitely want to be told what to do, and wish you had faith that I'd do it. If you want me to accompany you then I need to know when the appointment is and might need to be asked to accompany you too. If it's followed with "You're only doing it because I'm asking you to", well....yes. If you want me to do something, and you tell me what it is, and I know you'll appreciate it then I have no good reason not to do it.

 

I don't have a good understanding of how you feel, but I will try to solve a problem when I can. During the winter, snow on our roof was melting, dripping past the gutters, dropping a single line of water on the edge of our front steps, which later froze. You took three normal steps with plenty of traction, and then suddenly hit ice and fell. It wasn't fair. I studied the gutters during rain. I went up the ladder on a few weekends, diagnosed the issue, purchased and installed aluminum strips that effectively extend the roof a bit farther over the gutter so water can't drip down the edge of the gutter. We have not had that dripping problem since then, and shouldn't ever have a sneaky line of ice again.

 

Call me insensitive, sure. Tell me I don't understand how you feel, and I'll agree. But saying I "rarely completes a project" makes me feel unappreciated. I can only recall hearing how I haven't yet installed a railing in front, wasn't able to fix our last dishwasher (which was misdiagnosed by the professional repair man as well), and last night you said I'd never be able to install a vent in the kitchen. If you want me to install an exhaust vent in the kitchen, say "We have no plans for Saturday, so please do that." This is one problem I can actually completely solve! I'm a mechanical engineer with access to Youtube and Home Depot, and I have an extensive list of completed projects from the past 2 years* (and so do you**), but telling me I can't do something only discourages me. Telling me that I don't understand your feelings doesn't help me understand them.

 

Mr. Lucky is right that I was completely not ready to be a father then. I don't see how that situation compares to your problems now, but I'm leaving open the possibility that you can explain that to me. I agree with d0nnivain that we need to explore marriage counseling, and you now know I've already contacted them. Perhaps with guidance, AnotherGuy1234's "sometimes" will mean that sometimes (more often than now) I'll know what you want before you say something, and sometimes (more often than now) you'll tell me what you want when I don't know.

 

 

*Projects I've completed in the past 2 years:

-Diagrammed the house's electrical circuits

-Mounted 5 security cameras, ran wires in the attic and indoors to connect to our TV

-Created a 3-way light switch because you didn't want the renters walking to our side of the kitchen

-Installed a dimmer switch and swapped wall switches to orientations that made sense

-Wired and secured a line of "outdoor" LEDs along the edge of the ceiling in our bathroom and shower.

-Installed a new kitchen outlet so we could use appliances on the island

-Installed lights in our boiler room

-Wired and gave us a switch for outdoor string lights around the deck

-Attached wooden columns to the deck to support those lights

-Built a fence that includes a swinging double door (your excellent suggestion) that shows no signs of sagging despite daily use.

-Used $20 in hardware to fix a leaky pipe that would have cost us $900 from the plumber

-Built an extra large, clear window cover to keep rain out of our window wells

-Secured that same window cover (after it blew into our neighbor's car)

-Constructed a sound barrier between the shared kitchen and our bedroom

-Fixed our leaky gutters (see above)

-Cleaned out clogged gutters

-Repaired a leaking shower diffuser

-Replaced a broken water shutoff valve

-Shaved, sanded, oiled, and secured our doors to make them close quietly without interferences

-repaired our sump-pump, and created a silicone dam to direct any leaks to the pump.

-Replaced a fridge water tube that was leaking into the walls of our house

-Repaired a chunk of the house with rotten wood

-Replaced most of the doorknobs in the house

 

 

**Cliptec is equally capable with house-related projects. She has:

-Mounted curtains, towel racks, and a bathroom mirror

-Assembled furniture

-Secured trellis to the deck to prevent the dog from going underneath

-Built a garden box in the front yard

-Chopped down a half dozen trees! (You go girl!)

-Painted our deck

-Planted countless plants!

-Created beds of mulch, and other landscaping

-Killed a million weeds

-Mowed the lawn far more often than I have

-Vacuumed far more often than I have

-Done the laundry far more often than I have

-Put things away far more often than I have

-Completely enclosed our peach tree with a bird-proof net

-Fixed up our basement rooms for renting

-Found the best deals for household purchases

-Sewed her own curtains for our bay window

-Sewed the dog's bed out of old pillows

-Protected our wooden floors by giving everything those little fuzzy feet

-Defended our house in many different ways from insects

-Found and installed a magnetically closing screen door that allows us to let our dog out without letting the bugs in

(We taught him to pee in a certain spot of the yard, and then close the door when he comes back inside, so since he can't use the doorknob, this was the missing link!)

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^^^ Cilptec’s hubby:

I think you also want to address another concurrent thread about your not doing thibgs to make her feel special (and yet you had no problem taking your ex-gf to an expensive dinner in Paris). These two threads are very related, and you guys might want them merged together.

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Maxpower3979, do you see the difference between this:

 

During the winter, snow on our roof was melting, dripping past the gutters, dropping a single line of water on the edge of our front steps, which later froze. You took three normal steps with plenty of traction, and then suddenly hit ice and fell. It wasn't fair. I studied the gutters during rain. I went up the ladder on a few weekends, diagnosed the issue, purchased and installed aluminum strips that effectively extend the roof a bit farther over the gutter so water can't drip down the edge of the gutter. We have not had that dripping problem since then, and shouldn't ever have a sneaky line of ice again.

 

and this:

 

Early this year, I slipped and fell from our outdoor concrete steps due to ice. My whole left side was black and blue. He just helped me stood up and then put salt on the steps. That's it. Not even said "are you okay? How are you feeling? did you break anyting?"

 

Mr. Lucky

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I am the husband.

Hello all!

 

Cliptec sent me a link to this page, and I already had an account here. I think the intention was to show me the responses that say how bad I am, but I also see several responses that ask Cliptec to communicate more directly with me. I suppose you're now witnessing our conversation, which is definitely weird, and probably not the intention of this website...but here we go...

 

 

Cliptec,

 

I definitely want to be told what to do, and wish you had faith that I'd do it. If you want me to accompany you then I need to know when the appointment is and might need to be asked to accompany you too. If it's followed with "You're only doing it because I'm asking you to", well....yes. If you want me to do something, and you tell me what it is, and I know you'll appreciate it then I have no good reason not to do it.

 

I don't have a good understanding of how you feel, but I will try to solve a problem when I can. During the winter, snow on our roof was melting, dripping past the gutters, dropping a single line of water on the edge of our front steps, which later froze. You took three normal steps with plenty of traction, and then suddenly hit ice and fell. It wasn't fair. I studied the gutters during rain. I went up the ladder on a few weekends, diagnosed the issue, purchased and installed aluminum strips that effectively extend the roof a bit farther over the gutter so water can't drip down the edge of the gutter. We have not had that dripping problem since then, and shouldn't ever have a sneaky line of ice again.

 

Call me insensitive, sure. Tell me I don't understand how you feel, and I'll agree. But saying I "rarely completes a project" makes me feel unappreciated. I can only recall hearing how I haven't yet installed a railing in front, wasn't able to fix our last dishwasher (which was misdiagnosed by the professional repair man as well), and last night you said I'd never be able to install a vent in the kitchen. If you want me to install an exhaust vent in the kitchen, say "We have no plans for Saturday, so please do that." This is one problem I can actually completely solve! I'm a mechanical engineer with access to Youtube and Home Depot, and I have an extensive list of completed projects from the past 2 years* (and so do you**), but telling me I can't do something only discourages me. Telling me that I don't understand your feelings doesn't help me understand them.

 

Mr. Lucky is right that I was completely not ready to be a father then. I don't see how that situation compares to your problems now, but I'm leaving open the possibility that you can explain that to me. I agree with d0nnivain that we need to explore marriage counseling, and you now know I've already contacted them. Perhaps with guidance, AnotherGuy1234's "sometimes" will mean that sometimes (more often than now) I'll know what you want before you say something, and sometimes (more often than now) you'll tell me what you want when I don't know.

 

 

*Projects I've completed in the past 2 years:

-Diagrammed the house's electrical circuits

-Mounted 5 security cameras, ran wires in the attic and indoors to connect to our TV

-Created a 3-way light switch because you didn't want the renters walking to our side of the kitchen

-Installed a dimmer switch and swapped wall switches to orientations that made sense

-Wired and secured a line of "outdoor" LEDs along the edge of the ceiling in our bathroom and shower.

-Installed a new kitchen outlet so we could use appliances on the island

-Installed lights in our boiler room

-Wired and gave us a switch for outdoor string lights around the deck

-Attached wooden columns to the deck to support those lights

-Built a fence that includes a swinging double door (your excellent suggestion) that shows no signs of sagging despite daily use.

-Used $20 in hardware to fix a leaky pipe that would have cost us $900 from the plumber

-Built an extra large, clear window cover to keep rain out of our window wells

-Secured that same window cover (after it blew into our neighbor's car)

-Constructed a sound barrier between the shared kitchen and our bedroom

-Fixed our leaky gutters (see above)

-Cleaned out clogged gutters

-Repaired a leaking shower diffuser

-Replaced a broken water shutoff valve

-Shaved, sanded, oiled, and secured our doors to make them close quietly without interferences

-repaired our sump-pump, and created a silicone dam to direct any leaks to the pump.

-Replaced a fridge water tube that was leaking into the walls of our house

-Repaired a chunk of the house with rotten wood

-Replaced most of the doorknobs in the house

 

 

**Cliptec is equally capable with house-related projects. She has:

-Mounted curtains, towel racks, and a bathroom mirror

-Assembled furniture

-Secured trellis to the deck to prevent the dog from going underneath

-Built a garden box in the front yard

-Chopped down a half dozen trees! (You go girl!)

-Painted our deck

-Planted countless plants!

-Created beds of mulch, and other landscaping

-Killed a million weeds

-Mowed the lawn far more often than I have

-Vacuumed far more often than I have

-Done the laundry far more often than I have

-Put things away far more often than I have

-Completely enclosed our peach tree with a bird-proof net

-Fixed up our basement rooms for renting

-Found the best deals for household purchases

-Sewed her own curtains for our bay window

-Sewed the dog's bed out of old pillows

-Protected our wooden floors by giving everything those little fuzzy feet

-Defended our house in many different ways from insects

-Found and installed a magnetically closing screen door that allows us to let our dog out without letting the bugs in

(We taught him to pee in a certain spot of the yard, and then close the door when he comes back inside, so since he can't use the doorknob, this was the missing link!)

 

Aren't these your responsibilities as a homeowner??? You do those because you do not want the value of the house to go down or do it to prevent more breakage in the house. And how many times did I tell you of what you have to do before you start doing it? When I saw those broken things, I told you several times to fix it. You didnt take care of it for months and some even took years, so I told you maybe we should just hire someone else to do it or ask my uncles to help fix it, instead you got upset because it hurt your pride and ego that I ask someone else to do it.

 

Do I have to tell you to how to care for someone when they are not feeling well even when they are about to pass out already? I thought it is an instinct to care for someone if you "love" that person. And yes you fixed the gutter but never asked how I felt nor offered comfort measures, instead you laughed at me for falling while I was crying in pain. When I accidentally chopped and almost lost a chunk of my finger from cutting the grass, did you offer to do chores? Did you offer to prepare dinner or even buy dinner? Instead you demanded to have a dinner already prepared when you get home from work.

 

I dont understand how a husband can still demand and expect his wife to do his expectations and chores when she is ill and injured. When he injured his knee, he didnt do anything productive at home for months. and I still do all the responsibilities. Also, I told him of all the doctors appointment and diagnostic procedures I have to go to and do, I mentioned it several times and still on the day itself, when he sees me preparing to leave, he just asks where am I going. I just find it weird that my other guy friends are the ones who were more supportive and offered more comforting measures than my own husband who says he "loves me and cares for me". I dont even think I've heard an appreciation or a "thank you" from all the things I've done that he has listed and not listed. He mostly just says "sure".

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My gosh, you’ve been married for such a short time only. Was your hubby like that (not thoughtful and a little insensitive) when you’re dating? Are you doing most of the errands and housework (cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, taking care of your pet) now? Do you go on dates?

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IMO, a professional would be a far healthier choice to work things out with but, hey, LS is free and anonymous so there's that.

 

My male friends often dismiss this kind of stuff from their wives as 'victim mentality' (hear them use that phrase) and it holds pretty consistent unless and until the wife is in jeopardy of dying, which has happened a few times, then the guy gets religion. Sometimes it's too late and she's died, sometimes not. Practically everyone I know are high-timers, 30+ years married. Longest over 50. They (both H and W) bitch and moan but they're not going anywhere. Too married to the lifestyle and comfort zone. If they're attractive enough they'll get a replaceable line of willing ears. Some receptacles can manage, some burn out and are replaced. The marriage continues.

 

My dad was a man of few words, a war veteran and accountant. He did however provide me with a few gems of relationship wisdom and one was, once a relationship becomes an accounting exercise, it's doomed. Ironic I guess. Accountant married for life. Must've treated the wife decent enough that she took care of him right to the end as he died of cancer. Don't know for sure though. No one really knows for sure what goes on inside a marriage except the spouses.

 

Hope you can figure this out. Don't expect miracles IMO.

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I assume the guys you mentioned here and in your previous post are from a much more “traditional” demographic segment, right? More specifically, these guys also pay all the bills, no?

 

IMO, a professional would be a far healthier choice to work things out with but, hey, LS is free and anonymous so there's that.

 

My male friends often dismiss this kind of stuff from their wives as 'victim mentality' (hear them use that phrase) and it holds pretty consistent unless and until the wife is in jeopardy of dying, which has happened a few times, then the guy gets religion. Sometimes it's too late and she's died, sometimes not. Practically everyone I know are high-timers, 30+ years married. Longest over 50. They (both H and W) bitch and moan but they're not going anywhere. Too married to the lifestyle and comfort zone. If they're attractive enough they'll get a replaceable line of willing ears. Some receptacles can manage, some burn out and are replaced. The marriage continues.

 

My dad was a man of few words, a war veteran and accountant. He did however provide me with a few gems of relationship wisdom and one was, once a relationship becomes an accounting exercise, it's doomed. Ironic I guess. Accountant married for life. Must've treated the wife decent enough that she took care of him right to the end as he died of cancer. Don't know for sure though. No one really knows for sure what goes on inside a marriage except the spouses.

 

Hope you can figure this out. Don't expect miracles IMO.

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I assume the guys you mentioned here and in your previous post are from a much more “traditional” demographic segment, right? More specifically, these guys also pay all the bills, no?

Most are wealthy, meaning money isn't a factor for them anymore. The majority are retired. Some are professional couples earning pretty equally. I can only recall one where the wife earned more, obviously more, than the husband.

 

I remember one MW, now dead, commenting her husband required her to mow the lawn even when she wasn't feeling well. Finally, when her health went downhill, she hired a gardener to do it. I knew both spouses so didn't doubt her recount. Both paid the bills. She often earned more than he did. Religion and family pressures were strong in that family. Divorce wasn't easy. IIRC, they were married over 20 before writing the big check. She died a few years later. Too many years of stuffing things down into the bottle.

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But still, these guys are probably 40+ years older than the OP’s hubby. Perhaps that’s why their wives resorted to cheating, as divorce carried a huge stigma then?

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My husband says he cares so much for me but it feels like he does superficially.

He has not accompanied me nor offered to accompany me for any kind of support to any medical appointments I go to.

 

One example: I had several UTIs, peeing blood with severe back pains and had to go see different specialists. They found a stone in my kidney and found a tumor on my ovary. They wanted me to go to several specialists/doctors. I got anxious and made him aware of the issues. This happened few months after his knee surgery. He never asked how I was feeling nor reminded me to go see a doctor nor offer any comforting actions. I find it unfair because when he had his knee surgery, I took off from work and took care of him, drove and accompany him to all of his doctor's appointment and therapies while his mother was being nasty to me (she has borderline personality disorder).

 

When I had colds, he never offered to help with the house chores or bought cough syrup or cough drops candy.

 

I am not a needy person but I it bothers me that it seems like he has no empathy or sympathy when I dont feel alright. What made me more upset is when I learned that about a year ago before we started dating, he and his exGf had a pregnancy scare. He wanted to fly to Europe (his exgf was living in Portugal for a job, they were in a LDR for few months) and offered to accompany his ex gf to get an abortion in case she was positive that she was pregnant. He even offered to pay for the medical bills.

 

Now I'm confused and upset at him. Was he more caring towards his ex?

 

Was the ex-girlfriend carrying his child? If not, why was he so eager to offer to pay for an abortion?

 

From what I've gathered, so far, your marriage suffers from a serious communication problem.

 

Also loving couples do NOT make demands of each other. "Dinner on the table before I get home" kind of nonsense doesn't set too well with me.

 

I'm certainly not a rabid feminist, but I think your husband needs sensitivity training, unless you simply don't care anymore.

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But still, these guys are probably 40+ years older than the OP’s hubby. Perhaps that’s why their wives resorted to cheating, as divorce carried a huge stigma then?

No idea. Didn't see ages mentioned in the OP at all and scanned superficially and saw nothing. For some reason the OP's writing style sounded 'older' to me. Youngest in my sample group is late 40's married about 30 years now. In my demographic people generally got married at 16-20 and a few have been married only once.

 

If the OP is young, in my mind that supports the see ya option. If it isn't working, move on. The older one gets and the more entrenched the harder change becomes. I used to be a one and done guy but my exW helped me lose fear of divorce. She was good at that stuff.

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In another thread a few months ago, her hubby mentioned his age (30); apparently, they were married for a year then.

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My gosh, youÂ’ve been married for such a short time only. Was your hubby like that (not thoughtful and a little insensitive) when youÂ’re dating? Are you doing most of the errands and housework (cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, taking care of your pet) now? Do you go on dates?

 

I know. And Im so glad we dont have kids. I do all housework and errands even with a full time job. He does some chores and errands only after I tell him numerous times and when get so angry and breakdown from being overwhelmed. When we started dating, he was more thoughtful. He used to surprise me with little things, like when I come home, there would be a pizza ready, he would buy little things, he would give me little notes of how he feels for me. He would plan going on dates. Then he stopped doing those. I dont think we've been on dates after we I moved in with him and got engaged. We ate out only because I got tired of cooking and preparing dinner. We would mostly just go get take outs. We would do some activities together only after when I keep bugging him. I love travelling, so I would plan something and it feels like I have to drag him with me. Also, I pay for the travel expenses. At first I didn't mind it and then I got tired and left the country and travelled alone. He got upset that I went to Brazil alone and didnt tell him.

 

Being with him makes me feel like I'm drowning and chained. Like I cant breath and enjoy the things I used to enjoy.

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No idea. Didn't see ages mentioned in the OP at all and scanned superficially and saw nothing. For some reason the OP's writing style sounded 'older' to me. Youngest in my sample group is late 40's married about 30 years now. In my demographic people generally got married at 16-20 and a few have been married only once.

 

If the OP is young, in my mind that supports the see ya option. If it isn't working, move on. The older one gets and the more entrenched the harder change becomes. I used to be a one and done guy but my exW helped me lose fear of divorce. She was good at that stuff.

 

Im 27 and he is 31.

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Was the ex-girlfriend carrying his child? If not, why was he so eager to offer to pay for an abortion?

 

From what I've gathered, so far, your marriage suffers from a serious communication problem.

 

Also loving couples do NOT make demands of each other. "Dinner on the table before I get home" kind of nonsense doesn't set too well with me.

 

I'm certainly not a rabid feminist, but I think your husband needs sensitivity training, unless you simply don't care anymore.

 

No she wasnt. She just thought she was pregnant because she missed her period. He probably panicked and suggested it. Though he also said he would support the child if she decides to keep it.

 

I dont know what kind of communication do we need because I told him my expectations, I even told him specifics of what I want and need. I dont give him clues or hints anymore. I dont know if he is listening to what I say of maybe he does but doesnt see it as an urgent issue. He does not even apologize. He would say "sorry" but immediately give me excuses or defends/explains his actions.

 

I wish I could just not care anymore, but sometimes I feel like an unpaid maid. Sometimes worse because I still help him with the bills. Even when I didnt have a job for few months, I didnt ask any money from him, I used my savings to help pay with the bills. I pay for my own stuff. So I dont think money is an issue.

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