Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

[cleo83]

Hi Guys

 

I got married last year to a wonderful smart kind good man; that's the good news.

 

Unfortunately, we re bad when it comes to communicating. It always ends in me screaming and the husband refusing to talk coz I've screamed. (I do feel he escapes from things and uses my screaming as an excuse. Believe me when i do talk quietly - its like talking to a brick wall.) and my husband is really smart to the world. So world doesn't understand why I m regularly so frustrated when he s out of the world amazing to them. (He s always on time to events, always well dressed, always helpful to friends).

 

Simple example - What do you want for dinner? And this goes in repeat for everything.

1. When do we want to be parents

2. When shall we book tickets to travel

3. Today I just asked him to work with me for a To-Do list for what we can do today (Sunday). Its 6 30pm as I write this - it s never shown up.

 

1. Nothing gets resolved.

2. I m regularly frustrated.

 

And its not like I m Miss Perfect. My husband s currently the sole bread winner and i have been thankful for everything he does for us and for me.

 

I guess my message is mostly to Vent, but also to get advice from all you guys, How do i improve communication ? I m trying hard to listen and not react but these days I think his long winded explanations are ways to get out of doing something and over course of time - I m annoyed and serve the scream on a silver platter.

 

Signing off

Cleo

[basil67]

Hi Cleo. Do you recognise that you end up screaming because you feel like your words are not being heard? It's a natural result from talking to a brick wall.

 

Can you describe how a conversation about having children or travelling sounds? How do you raise the subject and what is a typical response from him?

 

Have you considered marriage counselling to learn more productive communication?

 

And what about before you were married...how on earth did you get the wedding organised without killing each other?

[BettyDraper]

Hi Cleo. Do you recognise that you end up screaming because you feel like your words are not being heard? It's a natural result from talking to a brick wall.

 

Can you describe how a conversation about having children or travelling sounds? How do you raise the subject and what is a typical response from him?

 

Have you considered marriage counselling to learn more productive communication?

 

And what about before you were married...how on earth did you get the wedding organised without killing each other?

 

The bolded was true for me. My husband is, in his own words, "stubborn and difficult."

 

He would often promise to do certain things and then not do them. I was polite the first five times I asked about the tasks but then I would scream after several requests and broken promises. Thankfully, my husband decided to make changes when he saw how his behavior was damaging our marriage.

 

OP, try marriage counseling. Recognize the unfortunate truth about your husband-he is the only one who can change his behavior.

[cleo83]

OP, try marriage counseling. Recognize the unfortunate truth about your husband-he is the only one who can change his behavior.

 

Asked him about marriage counselling several times - hasn't gone anywhere. If anyone knows a good counselor or ways to find someone in the Bay Area pls let me know.

 

Funny thing today I have to share - My husband always tells me not to wash the white rice before I cook it. But I've always washed it and cleaned it. I've explained it to him that Japanese rice is the polished rice with extra nutrients but the Indian rice wasn't. At least what we bought wasn't polished.

Today I showed him what the manufacturer has printed on the label - To rinse twice to remove excess starch and he said "The Manufacturer is wrong! They just put that to cover all bases" :bunny:

 

Stubborn as a Bull. What am I going to do for the rest of my life!?

[clia]

Hi Guys

Unfortunately, we re bad when it comes to communicating. It always ends in me screaming and the husband refusing to talk coz I've screamed. (I do feel he escapes from things and uses my screaming as an excuse. Believe me when i do talk quietly - its like talking to a brick wall.)

 

I have to be honest. If someone was screaming at me, I would shut down on them also.

 

It's not real clear to me what the problem is. How does it devolve into screaming? Does he just refuse to talk to you? Do you two talk about other things?

 

I noticed you said he is the sole breadwinner. Is it possible he would just like for you to make some decisions and to take ownership of some of the household responsibilities without a big discussion?

 

Simple example - What do you want for dinner?

 

Try asking him like this -- "I was thinking of making X or Y for dinner. Do you have a preference?" Give him a choice. If he doesn't want to communicate with you or answer, then make whatever you want. Or make whatever you want to make anyway.

 

1. When do we want to be parents

 

Obviously this one requires discussion. Did you have any discussion about this before you got married? How does he response when you bring up the topic?

 

2. When shall we book tickets to travel

 

"I'm going to book our tickets tomorrow. Do you have any other input before I do that?"

 

3. Today I just asked him to work with me for a To-Do list for what we can do today (Sunday). Its 6 30pm as I write this - it s never shown up.

 

Since you are not working, you should put together the "to do" list. You don't need him to help you with it. Just do it, present him with it, and tell him what you want to do that day.

[somanymistakes]

Treating your spouse as a mysterious alien and as a representative of All Men rather than as an individual with his own personal needs, beliefs, and feelings is not going to help you learn to communicate.

[Maraud3r]

Treating your spouse as a mysterious alien and as a representative of All Men rather than as an individual with his own personal needs, beliefs, and feelings is not going to help you learn to communicate.

But she has a list and likely has it all planned out already!

 

@OP. While your husband sounds stubborn, your "plans" made me raise an eye brow too. It seems as if you are attempting to basically regulate every single last thing. Do you possibly already have an "outcome" and his participation is more of a "please sign here" deal. Because right now this seems like a "unstoppable force meets immovable object" kind of deal with you two.

 

You want to organize everything, want to set dates and decide stuff and he stonewalls you at every step because he's now down to simply being along for the ride.

[georgia girl]

OP,

 

The first year of marriage can be a bit tricky as you are finally and officially blending your living styles. Thus, there are a lot of ridiculous disagreements. For example, the rice argument. I am not sure why either of you cares if the rice is washed or not. To me, that’s not worth the argument. Make it for him once his way and see if it turns out fine. If it does, you just saved yourself time and energy.

 

It seems to me that you have BOTH dug trenches. That is, you both want to do things YOUR way. And when it doesn’t happen your way, you both end up frustrated. Perhaps you both need to let the other person breathe a bit? For example, you mention a Sunday “to-do” list. He is the only one working and he needs to presumably work on Monday. Perhaps working on Sunday was t the best idea? Maybe he had a tough week coming up or was coming off of a tough week? Or maybe he is just in need of a vacation? Yes, it can be frustrating when you are home all day, see what needs to get done and it feels like constant delays. Believe me, my husband and I work at different paces and I am constantly in home improvement mode. Left to my own devices, there would be a project every weekend. That is too exhausting for him. So, we make a deal and stick to it. I have learned to be more patient; he has learned to be more accommodating.

 

Finally, I agree with the poster who discussed dinner options, etc. I used to ask my husband dinner options and he would remind me that he hadn’t yet had lunch. I explained that I had to defrost something. He got the point. I usually give him a couple of options, then let him pick.

 

Save “discussions” for the big items - kids, new house, etc. Since you are the one with the luxury of more time right now, try to make home a soft, safe space to land. When you do that, he will appreciate it and he will be more engaged in the discussion items. If he isn’t, you are on much stronger ground to force the issue.

[standtall]

I'll save you 7 years of arguing and disappointment. Your husband is who he is, and you have to accept him for that. Do not try to change him..he will have to change on his own. Lower your expectations, and fill in the gaps.

[fredflint]

Hi Guys

 

I got married last year to a wonderful smart kind good man; that's the good news.

 

Unfortunately, we re bad when it comes to communicating. It always ends in me screaming and the husband refusing to talk coz I've screamed. (I do feel he escapes from things and uses my screaming as an excuse. Believe me when i do talk quietly - its like talking to a brick wall.) and my husband is really smart to the world. So world doesn't understand why I m regularly so frustrated when he s out of the world amazing to them. (He s always on time to events, always well dressed, always helpful to friends).

 

Simple example - What do you want for dinner? And this goes in repeat for everything.

1. When do we want to be parents

2. When shall we book tickets to travel

3. Today I just asked him to work with me for a To-Do list for what we can do today (Sunday). Its 6 30pm as I write this - it s never shown up.

 

1. Nothing gets resolved.

2. I m regularly frustrated.

 

And its not like I m Miss Perfect. My husband s currently the sole bread winner and i have been thankful for everything he does for us and for me.

 

I guess my message is mostly to Vent, but also to get advice from all you guys, How do i improve communication ? I m trying hard to listen and not react but these days I think his long winded explanations are ways to get out of doing something and over course of time - I m annoyed and serve the scream on a silver platter.

 

Signing off

Cleo

 

Most of the things on your list require his time and energy, some thought ie. you're giving him jobs to do. How often does he pose questions to you that require your investment of time and energy?

 

There's a great story about Margaret Thatcher and why her favorite minister was Lord Young. "All the other ministers bring me problems, he brings solutions"

 

I'm not saying solve everything without his involvement. I am saying that perhaps you might be doing some of this not because you're incapable of solving the problems on your own, but because to you being in a marriage means working on things together, more than it means that to him. The solution is that you both recognize this difference, then both give some and try to help each other meet in the middle - he tries to give you more help when you want it, you try not to be too needy.

 

My ex-wife used to frustrate me by asking for help with tasks she could clearly easily complete on her own. She didn't need help, so why was she asking for it? I had to switch over from whatever I was doing, which was important to me (and I felt us). I just didn't understand it. I do now.

Edited June 19, 2018 by fredflint

[Thegameoflife]

Hi Guys

 

I got married last year to a wonderful smart kind good man; that's the good news.

 

Unfortunately, we re bad when it comes to communicating. It always ends in me screaming and the husband refusing to talk coz I've screamed. (I do feel he escapes from things and uses my screaming as an excuse. Believe me when i do talk quietly - its like talking to a brick wall.) and my husband is really smart to the world. So world doesn't understand why I m regularly so frustrated when he s out of the world amazing to them. (He s always on time to events, always well dressed, always helpful to friends).

 

Simple example - What do you want for dinner? And this goes in repeat for everything.

1. When do we want to be parents

2. When shall we book tickets to travel

3. Today I just asked him to work with me for a To-Do list for what we can do today (Sunday). Its 6 30pm as I write this - it s never shown up.

 

1. Nothing gets resolved.

2. I m regularly frustrated.

 

And its not like I m Miss Perfect. My husband s currently the sole bread winner and i have been thankful for everything he does for us and for me.

 

I guess my message is mostly to Vent, but also to get advice from all you guys, How do i improve communication ? I m trying hard to listen and not react but these days I think his long winded explanations are ways to get out of doing something and over course of time - I m annoyed and serve the scream on a silver platter.

 

Signing off

Cleo

 

The simple answer is that he isn't interested in creating a life with you. He already created a life for himself where he prioritized education, career, and obtaining a home. Getting married was just another goal to check off on his life plan. Getting married was lower priority than other goals, and if you try to change anything about his plan, he'll reject it. In his mind, all his plans have worked out, which has reaffirmed his belief in his planning. He stonewalls you because he doesn't want to consider anything you have to say. Proof of his arrogance, is his unwillingness to acknowledge some rice needs to be pre-washed before cooking, to get rid of the starch that rubs off during shipping; which makes rice overly sticky. Basmati and Jasmine rice requires this pre-wash. Fortified white rice shouldn't be washed, or you're removing the healthy stuff they purposely dusted the rice with.

 

You don't have many choices. You can just sit there and look pretty. You can tell him that he needs to include you in life decisions, or you're gone. You have to mean it too. Or, just cut your losses, and go find someone who wants to build a life with you, rather than have you around as an accessory to their life.

 

Good luck!

[basil67]

 

Asked him about marriage counselling several times - hasn't gone anywhere. If anyone knows a good counselor or ways to find someone in the Bay Area pls let me know.

 

Funny thing today I have to share - My husband always tells me not to wash the white rice before I cook it. But I've always washed it and cleaned it. I've explained it to him that Japanese rice is the polished rice with extra nutrients but the Indian rice wasn't. At least what we bought wasn't polished.

Today I showed him what the manufacturer has printed on the label - To rinse twice to remove excess starch and he said "The Manufacturer is wrong! They just put that to cover all bases" :bunny:

 

Stubborn as a Bull. What am I going to do for the rest of my life!?

 

Any half decent cook knows to wash long grain rice, but not wash short grain. Leaving the starch in the short grain is necessary for the texture of the dish.

 

If my husband was always telling me how to cook rice, I'd hand him apron and leave him to cook dinner.

[Arieswoman]

cleo83,

For a start stop screamimg. If he's driving you up the wall and round the bend, walk away and go back when you are ready to be an adult about this.

 

 

It seems that you have very different communication styles and I would not like to suggest how you deal with this. Would counselling help?

 

 

This is what gives me most concern "when do we want to be parents?". This should have been discussed before you got married. You should have talked about how many kids you wanted and how you wanted them to be spaced.

 

 

OK so you didn't do this and you have to work with the situation as it is.

 

 

 

So don't for goodness sake get pregnant in the meantime.

 

 

It seems to me that he is as he is and doesn't want to change - so you have to decide how long you want to put up with this.

 

 

I'm sorry x

[Els]

What happens in between the attempt at communication and the screaming? I really don't think this is a general men vs women thing - the majority of couples are capable of talking about something without it devolving into screaming all the time.

 

Aside from that, if I was the sole breadwinner and was expected to contribute to to-do lists every Sunday in addition to that, I'd be mighty pissed too. Pick your battles - this really isn't a hill that you should die on. Ditto with when to book tickets - not the end of the world if you have to compromise a bit.

[Gaeta]

You need to go to work.

 

I was a young bride staying home once so I know what's it's like. I spent my whole day coming up with these *projects* I wanted for the house and for us and couldn't wait for my husband to come home and we'd go over the list. Thing was he was coming back home *exhausted* and didn't care to hear about lists and projects. He wanted to come back to a quiet home, have dinner and enjoy some quiet time with his wife and baby.

 

I suffered a lot during our first years because I didn't get how my ex-h felt and till I understood I needed to own projects, and my own to-do list to keep busy.

 

Then you need to stop sweating the small stuff like if you rinse the rice or not. You want to make this the break-it or make-it moment of your marriage?

 

And stop yelling. If you want a fast route to divorce keep on yelling.

 

Your husband is not listening to you because you are not communicating in a *welcoming* way. About you go take a course on communication? You'll learn that part of communicating is *knowing how to listen*, *acknowledge what the other has said*, it's not only about expressing what we want.

 

 

 

 

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