Chloe5371 Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 Hey there! So I've been married for almost 3 years now and no children. About a year ago my husband and I went out with some friends and with our group of friends there was a single woman who we didn't know. So we met her that day since she happened to be there and my husband talked to her a bit since they have some common interests. They ended up adding each other on Facebook because she was going to send my husband a link. Well, after that my husband began chatting with her on messenger and they have been chatting from time to time. It's my husband the one who started it. This girl lives in another state by the way. She was only visiting when we met her. Now after a year she came back to our state again to visit and her and my husband want to meet up since she's here. However, they want to include me. But this is a bit uncomfortable for me because it's weird for a couple to mert up with a single woman. Since my husband doesn't have any idea of where we can hang out he suggested to invite her to our house to have some pizza. Isn't this a little awkward? I feel a bit disrespected because my husband is creating a bond with this woman he barely knows instead of keeping his distance since he's married. I'm pretty sure their chat conversations will get more intense if he's being totally open with her and meeting up. Can you tell me what you think. Is this ok? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 Invite her into your home and show her she is on your territory. Do not skip meeting her, that would be your biggest mistake. After she visited your home get on FB and add her as friend. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 Whether of not it's okay is completely up to you and your husband to decide. Most married people are concerned that opposite sex friendships can overstep boundaries and lead to affairs. That can happen, of course. But it's not a given, and really depends on character and the ability (or lack thereof) to set and keep suitable boundaries. Personally, I have good boundaries, and I have always had plenty of opposite sex friends, before and during marriage. My wife has male friends, too. I can hang out with one of my female friends, at her home, alone, at night, drinking wine, and watching a movie together, and nothing inappropriate will happen (it hasn't in the several years we've been doing this, and there's no reason for this to change now). On the other hand I know some people I wouldn't trust with my dog for 5 minutes, much less my spouse! Of course I trust my spouse, and she'd deal with it if necessary - it hasn't been a problem for her, though. I guess we have been lucky in choosing friends who also have good boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 Your husband meeting with her WITH you is way better then him meeting her behind your back or without you. He's drawing clear boundaries: He's showing this friend that he's married & that you are important to him. You can't prohibit him from having opposite sex friends especially since he seems to be doing it from an open, transparent place. He's not sneaking around with her. That would be a problem. If you don't want her in your home, fine pick a pizzeria to meet. Even if you are bored because you don't share their interests, sit next to your husband & smile sweetly. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mentor99 Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 But this is a bit uncomfortable for me because it's weird for a couple to mert up with a single woman. Why is it weird for a couple to meet with a single woman exactly? Both me and my fiance have single friends and we hang out with them as a couple. Not weird. My friends are her friends and vice versa. Since my husband doesn't have any idea of where we can hang out he suggested to invite her to our house to have some pizza. Isn't this a little awkward? We've had our single friends over to our house. Not sure what's awkward about it. I mean it's always a bit awkward when a new acquaintance comes over for the first time, but that dissipates pretty quickly. I feel a bit disrespected because my husband is creating a bond with this woman he barely knows instead of keeping his distance since he's married. OK, well that's something you should discuss with him. If you feel it's inappropriate let him know. From what you've said though he seems to be keeping everything in the open so it doesn't sound like he's meaning to be disrespectful in any way. If you haven't mentioned your feeling about it, he probably doesn't know how it's affecting you. Can you tell me what you think. Is this ok? I mean it's okay in general, but if you're not okay with it you need to voice that to your husband. Your expectations in a relationship might be different than his so let him know how you feel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 Since you met the lady in question through your social circle, little harm in having a small dinner party with her and a couple of her/your other local friends. I'm sure they'd be happy to see her since she lives out of state and visits rarely. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 You have to be included in this friendship. It's inappropriate for him to be chatting daily with her, creating a bond. He's putting energy into another woman, let alone a single woman. I don't think the intention is to cheat but as you know, women tend to become emotionally attached more easily than men (who love to have their ego's fed). Do add her on facebook too since she may be coming for dinner or lunch. Also, if you truly feel uncomfortable about this, ask your husband how he would feel if the situation was reversed? If you were chatting up some single guy you barely know and inviting him to your house. I'm guessing he wouldn't be so open to the idea of his wife messaging some guy and wanting to meet up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 (edited) >I feel a bit disrespected because my husband is creating a bond with this woman he barely knows instead of keeping his distance since he's married. Have you told him this? You should. I think people should be able to have friends in a marriage, but this is starting to become a trust issue for you, which is a Big Deal in a relationship. You need to be able to trust him and he needs to be able to act and been seen to act in a trustworthy way. I mean this is the core issue, the awkwardness, disrespect etc are feelings you have but they are tangential to this core trust issue your gut is telling you. So address that. You need reassurance you can trust him now. The simple fact is you don't (fully) and I think your brain is giving you all these other feelings to shift away from facing that you don't. Edited June 7, 2018 by fredflint Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 I also suggest talking with your husband about how you feel. I also don’t think anything is going on. Your husband seems to have made it a point that you are present during this. I have heard about it the other way around so many times. They can be just friends with similar interests. You should spend the time watching how they interact. Don’t lower yourself respect to show anger or fight. Be sweet as honey and watch. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 I reversed this...if my wife had done this... Well, I would do what gaeta suggested. I would have him over, and make sure he knew what was mine, then I would make him my friend. After that, I doubt highly he would stick around. IMHO based on experience, it is rare for adults of reproductive age that are not related to have a purely platonic relationship with each other. One or both of them seems to want more...just sayin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 It is not weird for a couple to hang out with a single person. It is potentially hinky for one half of a couple to hang out with a single person alone. While adults can and do have platonic friendships based on mutual interests, growing too close, especially privately, often leads to some awkward emotions. It's safer, IMO, to have her meet up for pizza at your place but cut back on the online chats. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chloe5371 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 What if I ask my husband to show me their chat conversations since I have no clue what they talk about and if he doesn't have anything to hide then I should be ok to see them. Something I don't like is that sometimes he shares personal stuff with other people, such as job related stuff. Like if he wants to quit a job he starts talking to everyone about it. I think there's some things he should keep to himself or only share them with me Link to post Share on other sites
MWC BlondeKim Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 It all goes back to mutual trust and respecting one another. I highly recommend meeting her to see the dynamics between your husband and her. What is the old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer and hopefully she does not turn out to be an enemy. Both my hubby and I have friends of the opposite friends, with myself the majority of my friends being men, and my husband is perfectly ok if I spend time with my male friends without him, due to our trust and respect for one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 What if I ask my husband to show me their chat conversations since I have no clue what they talk about and if he doesn't have anything to hide then I should be ok to see them. Something I don't like is that sometimes he shares personal stuff with other people, such as job related stuff. Like if he wants to quit a job he starts talking to everyone about it. I think there's some things he should keep to himself or only share them with me This sounds a bit controlling. If your H wants to talk about quitting his job, why do you care? Look, if your H was a certain way when you married him & you knew that, then you’re playing into the stereotypical woman that wants to change who she married. If his personality was good enough to marry whyball of a sudden is it different bc you’re married? No one can tell if his friendships with this woman is inappropriate or not biting from what you’re explaining it sounds like you married a extremely social man that likes to conversate, so does it really surprise you that he would be that way with women, regardless if she’s single? Have the dinner, see if it feels “off” & then make your judgments. Until then, don’t put him in a position where now he feels he has to hide who he really is bc you’re insecure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 What if I ask my husband to show me their chat conversations since I have no clue what they talk about and if he doesn't have anything to hide then I should be ok to see them. Something I don't like is that sometimes he shares personal stuff with other people, such as job related stuff. Like if he wants to quit a job he starts talking to everyone about it. I think there's some things he should keep to himself or only share them with me You can but his oversharing is not her fault. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 Chloe, he might share wanting to quit his job to see if anyone has a lead on a new job. I have asked friends about jobs myself. As long as your husband is open and honest with you, what is the problem? But before you ask for his phone or tell him about your worries/insecurity about his friendship with this OW. I would wait until you meet this person before say anything. You showing doubt or mistrust beforehand will change the way they would other wise interact with one another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chloe5371 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't know if I sound controlling but I think there should be some boundaries when you're married. One thing is to have friends and talk to them when the opportunity comes and another thing is to constantly interract with them, especially with the opposite sex. I guess I'll have to just let him be friends with her and let him be who he is because it seems like I'm the one who is crazy for not feeling comfortable about it. I know a story about a couple who became friends with a divorced woman. She started hanging out first with the wife a lot but then started talking to the husband. Well, in the end the husband and the womanhey fell for each other and the husband left his wife and children to be with this woman. Cases like this happen in real life and that's why I believe people should avoid the trouble. That's just me but people seem to be ok with everything these days. Thanks for the advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I agree with you chloe,have you said to your husband you are not ok with their friendship? Since she has not been there before you, you have a right to that Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 That’s why I said to watch how they interact. I agree with you completely with boundaries. Talk with your husband about the way you feel and concerns after you have the all the facts. Your not crazy, just get all the information you can before you confront your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 . However, they want to include me. But this is a bit uncomfortable for me because it's weird for a couple to mert up with a single woman. Since my husband doesn't have any idea of where we can hang out he suggested to invite her to our house to have some pizza. Isn't this a little awkward? I feel a bit disrespected because my husband is creating a bond with this woman he barely knows instead of keeping his distance since he's married. I'm pretty sure their chat conversations will get more intense if he's being totally open with her and meeting up. Can you tell me what you think. Is this ok? For what it's worth, here's my take...I personally see this as completely above board...they're trying to include you but you're resisting....can you dig deep and explain why....my wife and I have several friends who by choice and some without their choice are single. We visit with them, include them with our group activities. I even have had several "work wives" where we have conversations mostly work related that my wife (very thankful for her) completely understands. We even take the Work Wives to dinner or host when they travel to our city. That said, I see this as both, your husband and the lady are trying to include you so that you'll also be a friend. I'll say this as gently as I can....you may be working up something that simply isn't there. Do you have concerns about your husband's ability to remain true? If so, that has nothing to do with her, and maybe you and he should have a talk about your fears....I personally see this as a bit (actually more than a bit) controlling. BTW, what topics other than work and career direction would you be okay with your husband discussing with others? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I don't know if I sound controlling but I think there should be some boundaries when you're married. One thing is to have friends and talk to them when the opportunity comes and another thing is to constantly interract with them, especially with the opposite sex. I guess I'll have to just let him be friends with her and let him be who he is because it seems like I'm the one who is crazy for not feeling comfortable about it. I know a story about a couple who became friends with a divorced woman. She started hanging out first with the wife a lot but then started talking to the husband. Well, in the end the husband and the womanhey fell for each other and the husband left his wife and children to be with this woman. Cases like this happen in real life and that's why I believe people should avoid the trouble. That's just me but people seem to be ok with everything these days. Thanks for the advice. You are not crazy. There are boundaries in marriage. I was encouraged that your husband was meeting with this woman with you. That level of transparency is way better than him sneaking around with her. Do tell your husband that you have concerns. Ask him to dial it back but be gracious about the fact that he's not being sneaky about it. He seems like he is seeking friendship & knows where the lines are drawn. Be grateful for that. Perhaps embrace the Art of War: Keep your friends close & your enemies closer. You befriend this woman to inoculate your marriage against infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 What if I ask my husband to show me their chat conversations since I have no clue what they talk about and if he doesn't have anything to hide then I should be ok to see them. Something I don't like is that sometimes he shares personal stuff with other people, such as job related stuff. Like if he wants to quit a job he starts talking to everyone about it. I think there's some things he should keep to himself or only share them with me What else is he supposed to talk to his friends about? The weather? That’s what you talk to friends about - your job, your home, your relationship, you get personal, that’s why they’re your friends! He should be able to talk to his friends about whatever he wants. And I don’t get why this is an issue. Sounds to me like they are just friends. They are including you in the plans. There’s no need to mark your territory. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 What else is he supposed to talk to his friends about? The weather? That’s what you talk to friends about - your job, your home, your relationship, you get personal, that’s why they’re your friends! He should be able to talk to his friends about whatever he wants. And I don’t get why this is an issue. Sounds to me like they are just friends. They are including you in the plans. There’s no need to mark your territory. For those of us that have seen these scenarios play out time after time this is very naive thinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 Chloe5371, Both you and your husband are going to have friends of the opposite sex who are single. As long as you both are together while meeting and sure happen, I just do not see any issues. This would be another thing if they were meeting without you and in secret, but this is not the case. I wold not expect you to give up men friends, nor should you expect your husband to give up any Female friends. As long as things are done above board, and the whole thing is open, what is the issue? I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 For those of us that have seen these scenarios play out time after time this is very naive thinking. Or very POSITIVE thinking. They are including her. Have faith in people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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