No Consideration or am out to lunch here

[Arty10]

A little background been in a common-law relationship a little over two years.

 

 

Having a hard time with the lack of consideration. It started out small when we were dating. My friends having met her maybe twice invite us over for game night (Pictionary/trivia that sort of thing). She says she is not a game person and does not want to go but I can go myself. Didn't think anything of it. Flash forward to our first Xmas together. My extended family gets together for Xmas every year since I can remember. She says she doesn't want to go and shouldn't have to. I say I went and met your family that summer (they live across the country) and want the same consideration. She says you wanted to meet my family I didn't force you. WTF?? She goes reluctantly. Fast forward again approximately another year. My son's graduation. She says its a family thing and she doesn't want to go. What??? I thought your were in this family. We talk for ten minutes until I say your part of this family and its very important to me that you go. She still tries to make excuses. I say it again. She goes reluctantly. WTF??? Another 6 months goes by My Uncle passes away the funeral is going to be held with an extended family gathering afterwards. She says again she doesn't want to go and will only go if I say its important to me....I say its important to me that you go. She goes reluctantly again. Again WTF??

 

 

Am out of line here or hypersensitive in thinking that all this should have been automatic? And what the hell do I do about this? I am pretty sure in each case I have expressed my feelings each time.

[d0nnivain]

My husband coined a new word to deal with this sort of thing: particihating. It's a play on the word participate. It means you suck it up & go for the other person because you love them & whatever it is -- Christmas, game night, the graduation -- is important to the one you love.

 

I don't use it often but when I say "it's a particihate situation" DH knows he's coming no matter what.

 

Try it as a compromise but I wouldn't waste it on game night.

[Arty10]

My husband coined a new word to deal with this sort of thing: particihating. It's a play on the word participate. It means you suck it up & go for the other person because you love them & whatever it is -- Christmas, game night, the graduation -- is important to the one you love.

 

I don't use it often but when I say "it's a particihate situation" DH knows he's coming no matter what.

 

Try it as a compromise but I wouldn't waste it on game night.

 

 

Agreed the game night one is optional...... however, I believe if you don't show a genuine interest in being part of some ones life is being selfish to the extreme. It still pisses me off that this reaction to participate is automatic. To me its a no-brainer unless there is history of something bad in the past relationship with regards to family then as significant other you are obligated to participate particularly with one's children's milestones. Frankly it really left a bad taste in my mouth that this that had to spelled out that its a "particihate" situation.

[d0nnivain]

I get where you are coming from but compromise keeps a relationship together. If this bad taste in your mouth is so bitter that you want to jettison the whole relationship, fine, do that. But I was trying to find a way for her to be OK with attending while you get her presence.

[Art_Critic]

I have to agree with d0nnivain, however since you mentioned common law...

 

Are you engaged and why haven't you wed ? there may a sticking point with her that until you put a ring on it she isn't going to call it a family.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My husband coined a new word to deal with this sort of thing: particihating. It's a play on the word participate. It means you suck it up & go for the other person because you love them & whatever it is -- Christmas, game night, the graduation -- is important to the one you love.

 

I don't use it often but when I say "it's a particihate situation" DH knows he's coming no matter what.

 

Try it as a compromise but I wouldn't waste it on game night.

 

Love it! This is absolutely one thing I do not miss about my ex-H. Every single thing was particihating to him, and he made a lot of events uncomfortable. Now he's someone else's problem at family holidays and whatnot

[Arty10]

I have to agree with d0nnivain, however since you mentioned common law...

 

Are you engaged and why haven't you wed ? there may a sticking point with her that until you put a ring on it she isn't going to call it a family.

 

 

The reason we haven't wed is we were both married twice before. So marriage is kind off limits for both us. This has been discussed and we both feel that way. Interestingly enough when it was discussed she brought it up first and stated her stance as that.

[Arty10]

I get where you are coming from but compromise keeps a relationship together. If this bad taste in your mouth is so bitter that you want to jettison the whole relationship, fine, do that. But I was trying to find a way for her to be OK with attending while you get her presence.

 

 

I really do appreciate your input and like your solution. And your right about me getting over it or move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

To me its a no-brainer unless there is history of something bad in the past relationship with regards to family then as significant other you are obligated to participate particularly with one's children's milestones. Frankly it really left a bad taste in my mouth that this that had to spelled out that its a "particihate" situation.

 

We obviously have only your side of the story. But, it my experience, selfishness in one area like this is simply a symptom of a greater character trait. Is she this self-centered and arbitrary in other areas of your relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mentor99]

What works for my relationship is understanding that whatever my partner is doing is her best attempt to be happy. And it has nothing to do with me. I love her and want her to be happy. So that removes any bitterness or resentment from my mind and can help me think more clearly about situations.

 

So once that's established and emotions are in check, you can actually tackle the issue, which is that you and your partner have a different understanding and expectation about what happens in these situations when in a committed relationship. Neither one of you is right or wrong, you just have different expectations. And that is bound to happen - she's not "designed" for you and you're not "designed" for her.

 

And to make a relationship work, there needs to be compromise on both sides. And this is where you need to communicate openly and honestly. Say you understand and respect her desire not to come out to friend and family functions and that you both have different expectations in that area so you'd like a compromise that works for the relationship. Maybe there are some very important events (Christmas is a good one) where you'd really like her to come, and some less important events where it's optional. Or maybe she'd prefer to go every second Christmas etc. Really try to come up with something that works for both of you.

 

Here's where it gets tricky. If either of you are unwilling to compromise (i.e. making this the hill you die on) it can indicate that your values are so different that it might be time to cut your losses. Equally bad in my opinion, is if you do agree on a compromise, but either of you continues to complain when the time comes. Again, that might be time to re-evaluate the relationship as a whole.

 

Good luck!

[Arty10]

We obviously have only your side of the story. But, it my experience, selfishness in one area like this is simply a symptom of a greater character trait. Is she this self-centered and arbitrary in other areas of your relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

I think in a general sense kind of yes. However, she is very giving in others. Kind of extreme in both cases selfish when it comes to sharing in my interests (i.e. watching a movie or TV show I want to see that she does not) or doing a weekend activity that she does not want to do) but she would also give the shirt off her back or help anyone in need even it meant putting her in discomfort or being broke. I guess that's why when situations like I illustrated in my first post come up it seems to blindside me every time even though its happened before. It just seems really out of character to do that.

[Arty10]

What works for my relationship is understanding that whatever my partner is doing is her best attempt to be happy. And it has nothing to do with me. I love her and want her to be happy. So that removes any bitterness or resentment from my mind and can help me think more clearly about situations.

 

So once that's established and emotions are in check, you can actually tackle the issue, which is that you and your partner have a different understanding and expectation about what happens in these situations when in a committed relationship. Neither one of you is right or wrong, you just have different expectations. And that is bound to happen - she's not "designed" for you and you're not "designed" for her.

 

And to make a relationship work, there needs to be compromise on both sides. And this is where you need to communicate openly and honestly. Say you understand and respect her desire not to come out to friend and family functions and that you both have different expectations in that area so you'd like a compromise that works for the relationship. Maybe there are some very important events (Christmas is a good one) where you'd really like her to come, and some less important events where it's optional. Or maybe she'd prefer to go every second Christmas etc. Really try to come up with something that works for both of you.

 

Here's where it gets tricky. If either of you are unwilling to compromise (i.e. making this the hill you die on) it can indicate that your values are so different that it might be time to cut your losses. Equally bad in my opinion, is if you do agree on a compromise, but either of you continues to complain when the time comes. Again, that might be time to re-evaluate the relationship as a whole.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Thank you Mentor....living up to your name......your first statement provides with some context and clarity to approach issues as well as procedure to follow to get a solution. I guess your right I am not looking at this objectively enough.

[Art_Critic]

The reason we haven't wed is we were both married twice before. So marriage is kind off limits for both us. This has been discussed and we both feel that way. Interestingly enough when it was discussed she brought it up first and stated her stance as that.

 

So if marriage is off limits then maybe so is the nest building.

 

Maybe she is telling you one thing and doing another kind of thing, living common law but really wanting you to full on commit into a marriage/family.

Not saying that is the answer but it came to my mind when I read your opening post.

 

To me it sounds like you are not on the same page as far and the relationship commitment goes.

[Gaeta]

I think in a general sense kind of yes. However, she is very giving in others. Kind of extreme in both cases selfish when it comes to sharing in my interests (i.e. watching a movie or TV show I want to see that she does not) or doing a weekend activity that she does not want to do) but she would also give the shirt off her back or help anyone in need even it meant putting her in discomfort or being broke. I guess that's why when situations like I illustrated in my first post come up it seems to blindside me every time even though its happened before. It just seems really out of character to do that.

 

 

She'll give the shirt off of her back for people but will not put a smile on for your child's graduation? The problem is she won't go out of her way *for you* but for strangers she would.

 

 

 

I am all about compromise. My bf doesn't do Xmas and b'days so I don't bug him with it, for the rest of the year he's 100% on board with family dinners and events. In your case she is *never* on board with something related to you. That would be too much selfishness for me.

[Gaeta]

So if marriage is off limits then maybe so is the nest building.

 

Maybe she is telling you one thing and doing another kind of thing, living common law but really wanting you to full on commit into a marriage/family.

Not saying that is the answer but it came to my mind when I read your opening post.

 

To me it sounds like you are not on the same page as far and the relationship commitment goes.

 

 

I don't think marriage has anything to do with this. This is her character, she's on the selfish side. She's selfish before marriage she'll be selfish after. You may put a lot of importance on marriage but not everyone does.

[Art_Critic]

You may put a lot of importance on marriage but not everyone does.

 

 

This hasn't got anything to do with me...I have lived common law before...

 

He mentioned common law, in my experience and some of it I have lived.. one person wanted it and the other didn't or they went along with it because they though this was the way..

If she is sitting there brewing because she feels he isn't committed to the point she wants him to be then it can cause what she is doing.

[bathtub-row]

This would fall into the dealbreaker category for me - meaning it’s not an issue of compromise. Then again, this thing about never marrying again is, to me, part of the problem. In taking this stance, you’re basically living in a state of being uncommitted. But if I agreed to this with someone, I would still participate in the lives of their family and friends.

[Gaeta]

This hasn't got anything to do with me...I have lived common law before...

 

He mentioned common law, in my experience and some of it I have lived.. one person wanted it and the other didn't or they went along with it because they though this was the way..

If she is sitting there brewing because she feels he isn't committed to the point she wants him to be then it can cause what she is doing.

 

 

He pointed out common-law as they live as married people but are not, I don't think it has a double meaning.

 

 

 

Nowhere he's mentioning she's harboring resentment for not being married.

[Mr. Lucky]

She'll give the shirt off of her back for people but will not put a smile on for your child's graduation? The problem is she won't go out of her way *for you* but for strangers she would.

 

Agree, makes her admirable but not very rewarding to be in a relationship with.

 

Arty10, I wonder if this has anything to do with how you express appreciation or gratitude for the things she does do? When my wife was teaching, she gave 150% to her job, there for every PTA activity, student council, talent show, holiday carnival, fundraiser, etc. Big impact on her student's lives, but it got to the point I felt I was raising our children almost by myself.

 

Turned out she was getting a lot of positive feedback, appreciation and reinforcement there the kids and I weren't good at giving her at home. When we recognized and addressed this, she was motivated to restore a better home and work balance.

 

What kind of feedback do you give on her contributions to your relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arty10]

Agree, makes her admirable but not very rewarding to be in a relationship with.

 

Arty10, I wonder if this has anything to do with how you express appreciation or gratitude for the things she does do? When my wife was teaching, she gave 150% to her job, there for every PTA activity, student council, talent show, holiday carnival, fundraiser, etc. Big impact on her student's lives, but it got to the point I felt I was raising our children almost by myself.

 

Turned out she was getting a lot of positive feedback, appreciation and reinforcement there the kids and I weren't good at giving her at home. When we recognized and addressed this, she was motivated to restore a better home and work balance.

 

What kind of feedback do you give on her contributions to your relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Probably not as well as I should. As your example sounds similar of the way your wife's dedication/volunteer to the way mine goes out of her to for other people, I guess its avenue/strategy worth exploring/trying.

[Art_Critic]

Nowhere he's mentioning she's harboring resentment for not being married.

 

That is true, however he is posting for advice since he doesn't have a grasp of what she is doing, I'm just posting my opinion.

 

He is posting a issue that deals with commitment though....she isn't acting as a family unit, hence commitment...

[Arty10]

This hasn't got anything to do with me...I have lived common law before...

 

He mentioned common law, in my experience and some of it I have lived.. one person wanted it and the other didn't or they went along with it because they though this was the way..

If she is sitting there brewing because she feels he isn't committed to the point she wants him to be then it can cause what she is doing.

 

 

I really don't think she is brewing about marriage......she's the type to mention exactly what is bothering her very bluntly.

[Art_Critic]

It sounds to me that she doesn't feel like she is part of your family, why.. I don't know...

 

In your opening post you mentioned that she shouldn't have to go to your family's get together and you posted you are looking for consideration..

 

IMO it isn't about consideration, it's about the fact she isn't building a family with you and your family.

consideration is when you do something just because..

 

In my marriage I don't go to my wife's family get togethers to show her consideration.. I go because I am part of the family.

 

For some reason she doesn't feel connected to you on that level, talk to her about it, you said she tells you what is on her mind.

[Gaeta]

How does she feel about family in general?

 

 

Some people don't care about family, they never visit and don't spend holidays with them. These people usually don't like being part of other people's family.

 

 

 

Even couples that only *date* attend each other's family gathering. She must have been like this before you moved in together?

[whichwayisup]

A little background been in a common-law relationship a little over two years.

 

 

Having a hard time with the lack of consideration. It started out small when we were dating. My friends having met her maybe twice invite us over for game night (Pictionary/trivia that sort of thing). She says she is not a game person and does not want to go but I can go myself. Didn't think anything of it. Flash forward to our first Xmas together. My extended family gets together for Xmas every year since I can remember. She says she doesn't want to go and shouldn't have to. I say I went and met your family that summer (they live across the country) and want the same consideration. She says you wanted to meet my family I didn't force you. WTF?? She goes reluctantly. Fast forward again approximately another year. My son's graduation. She says its a family thing and she doesn't want to go. What??? I thought your were in this family. We talk for ten minutes until I say your part of this family and its very important to me that you go. She still tries to make excuses. I say it again. She goes reluctantly. WTF??? Another 6 months goes by My Uncle passes away the funeral is going to be held with an extended family gathering afterwards. She says again she doesn't want to go and will only go if I say its important to me....I say its important to me that you go. She goes reluctantly again. Again WTF??

 

 

Am out of line here or hypersensitive in thinking that all this should have been automatic? And what the hell do I do about this? I am pretty sure in each case I have expressed my feelings each time.

 

She isn't being a loving or supportive common law spouse, or even a friend to you! She's still supposed to be a partner, regardless if you're married or not.

 

Seems like your lives aren't meshing together well when it comes to family and friends. Really think if this relationship is long term and if this woman will have your back during rough and tough times in life. Right now it doesn't seem that way.