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A messed up MM’s story


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Petofadiva

I dont know where to start and even why I feel the need to even put this down. Perhaps to grab at crumbs to sate my quench for redemption. Perhaps to serve as an example for others to show how an affair can destroy everything - the people we love, the people who love the people we love and all our relationships. There is a fine line between success and failure, glory and ignominy. I was an extremely successful person - professionally and personally till one year ago. Now I have lost the swagger in my walk, the confidence in my talk and am hovering along the realms of depression and anxiety. Here is my story.

 

 

Personal life:

I am a married man in mid thirties with two dear children who are in elementary school. I married young with my college sweetheart for 10+ years. Life was good for a large part of our marriage till about 8 years into it. There were a bunch of incidents between us which led to a loss of innocence in me. Not making an excuse at all for my subsequent behavior but there were a clear pattern of incidents which led me to revisit my concept of love. From that point on we started leading more and more detached lives. No other people were involved but we were more project mates in the art of raising kids rather than a couple in love. This pattern proceeded for atleast 5 years till 2017 and late 2017 is when things started slipping on my front.

 

Professional life:

I work for an extremely demanding team in a high profile company. For the last 7 years I have been working very closely with a female colleague with excellent results. For all years till 2017 it was an extremely professionally, platonic work relationship. We accomplished terrific feats and we felt like we could go to war together. That was how much we trusted each other professionally. We were pivotal in each other’s professional success. We hardly interacted beyond work. For instance, I did not even know her birthday till 2017. We were both married with kids and both the spouses heard of each other because we worked so closely together. We were extremely close professionally and were just about friends personally.

 

The tumultous year:

From late 2017 we started spending even more time at work and gradually started an emotional affair where we would talk for hours. We started falling in love with each other. Very quickly things escalated to a physical affair. It was definitely initiated by me but reciprocated willfully by her. She gave me unconditional, all encompassing love that I yearned for. I provided her emotional support through her tough times and a balanced head to talk her through crisis issues in life. Very soon we realized we were neck deep in trouble. We were really exposing our families and ourselves to a world of hurt and this was not the right thing to do. We met and mutually decided that even though we loved each other, we needed to call it off and try to pull back to being friends. I left for a vacation soon after for 3 weeks. As soon as I was back, she started pushing for us to go all in and that we should leave our families for each other. At that moment I realized I could not do it.

I could not put myself before my kids and I should have known better before embarking on this relationship. For 5-6 months I tried my hardest to get her to agree to pull back, while she constantly pushed for us to be together. Things started getting desperate from her end. I tried to ask her if there was any way she could go back to her life and she was vehemently against it. Very soon she started guilt tripping me and blaming me for the relationship break down, threatened to tell all to both spouses and started accusing me of unilaterally deciding to sacrifice us and ruining her life. Things very quickly spiralled out of control where in she threatened suicide 3 times in 3 days and decided to disclose everything in my house and hers and go no contact. Though she was a pillar of support during the crisis, my wife is extremely hurt and is grieving currently. Her husband apparently left her.

 

Currently:

My life as I knew it previously is over. I have voided my wife’s trust and that cant ever be put back. She has paid an even bigger price and her husband might have left her. We have lost not just our respective marriages but also lost each others as best friends and colleagues. We are barely able to work together and one of us has to leave pretty soon. So I have lost my best colleague at work, my best friend, both my loves and my marriage. She has pretty much paid the same price. She has anger on me to help tide her over. I only am depressed at how badly I have messed up and ended up hurting the people I truly loved. I also feel like I wronged her husband, her child and their family. There are some mistakes that you can never take back. All I wish every day is for us go back to a time machine and have a life where we had our families happy and had each other as very close colleagues and friends. Love ruined us.

 

 

I don’t blame anyone but myself and I can’t seem to forgive myself.

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BluesPower

What exactly do you want to hear...

 

Listen I get how this stuff happens, but what do you want to hear from us?

 

Listen, you might be more sympathetic if you told us what happened in your marriage, but not that much.

 

Did you guys start sleeping together? Or what is just an emotional affair.

 

Are you still with your wife? Does she want to divorce?

 

Here is the deal, you make excuses about your marriage and you guys FELL together. Look that is horse crap.

 

If the marriage was that bad, you should have left it.

 

Listen, you did this, it is your fault. Not the marriage, not the OW, not your wife, it is 1000% on you.

 

So what are you going to do about it? Are you going to try and save your marriage? Do you have the stones to do it? If your wife even willing to try?

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Petofadiva

Thanks Fred for the link

 

Blues. Agreed it’s one Hundred percent my fault. We had a full on affair. Both women wanted to be with me. I chose my wife and let the other woman down. After discovery her family is ruined whereas we are working on our marriage. I have a long road ahead of me. I just feel like I wronged everyone

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BluesPower
Thanks Fred for the link

 

Blues. Agreed it’s one Hundred percent my fault. We had a full on affair. Both women wanted to be with me. I chose my wife and let the other woman down. After discovery her family is ruined whereas we are working on our marriage. I have a long road ahead of me. I just feel like I wronged everyone

 

So if you are working on it, stop thinking like this (Bolded). No you did not let her down, she was not yours to let down. She was a grown woman, she knew what she was doing and so did you.

 

Listen, you are not the only man to hurt a woman, a lot of us have. I am not proud of the times I have done it. Which is why I stopped doing it.

 

But as far as taking responsibility goes, and working on your marriage, you need to get this crap out of your head.

 

It matters to your wife how you think about what you did. The OW does not deserve your consideration for a second, and as far as your wife is concerned she deserves consideration for less than a micro second.

 

This type of thinking will continue to hurt your wife and you have done enough of that, so knock it the F*** off, ok.

 

You were both selfish jerks and did what you wanted to because it was fun naughty and it was easier than fixing your marriage.

 

Changing the why that you think about things in your head, changes the way that you act. It can help you help your wife heal which is completely your responsibility.

 

Understand?

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pepperbird

Petofadiva,

 

 

You didn't drag your ow into the affair. She walked in, eyes wide open, fully knowing what she was going to do.

 

 

 

Given what you say, especially how she threatened suicide thee times in three days tells me she's into the drama of the whole situation. She's a mother and threatening to turn her child's life upside down even more than she already has- because her affair is over? Blaming you for her own choices?

 

 

 

Both you and her needs to attend to your own personal crises and place the blame for all of this squarely where it belongs. On your respective shoulders. She knew what she as getting into and if she can't handle the fallout, that is on her.

 

 

 

As for you, your wife needs you right now. If you wish to reconcile with her, then that means being there for her fully. Stop worrying about the ow, and, since it sounds like your workplace has become toxic, starting looking for another job or ask for a transfer- if you can. If you don't, your ow will drag you down right along with her. If you two are apart, you can both gain some perspective which will be helpful to you both over the long term.

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This..

 

So if you are working on it, stop thinking like this (Bolded). No you did not let her down, she was not yours to let down. She was a grown woman, she knew what she was doing and so did you.

 

And this..

 

You didn't drag your ow into the affair. She walked in, eyes wide open, fully knowing what she was going to do.

 

As long as the OW knew you were married, your hands are clean with her. It's an affair, what did she think was going to happen. You have sex, you say nice things to one another, and you lie to one another about pretty much everything (feelings, future together, etc). This is what an A is, and, as a "grown ass woman" she had every reason to know that. Did she want it to be something else? Yes, she did. Do I want my 1993 Toyota Corolla to be a Ferrari 488 today instead of a Toyota? I sure do! Isn't going to change the fact that it's not a Ferrari though, no matter how much I wish it to be true. This is what you sign up for when you enter an A, ~95%+ of them are going to wind up like this. And, some high proportion of them are going to wind up with exactly the situation you have, woman's husband leaves/divorces her, man's wife stays/reconciles. It's a terrible deal, but she entered into it willingly, so she doesn't deserve your sympathy; she chose this. What you didn't tell us, but I'm pretty sure is true, you likely did a lot of "future faking", talking about "when we can be together" and "what it would be like" when you don't have those pesky spouses in the way anymore. This is also part and parcel of an A, so, if you did it, don't beat yourself up too bad, it's a necessary ingredient in many A's.

 

Now, all that said, this woman is getting what comes to her. She chose an A, she got the sex, the validation, and the fun, and now she's paying the price. That's not your circus anymore, she has to bear that cost alone. However, your W, she didn't sign up for any of this. She never agreed to be the OW, and she's in tremendous pain. That's where you need to focus your efforts; you and the OW did something horribly wrong together, but you didn't do anything wrong TO the OW, she decided this is what she wanted and chose to believe the lies. Your wife, however, didn't, is feeling more pain (and not being a drama queen and talking about killing herself 3X a day) and all of it was foisted upon her without any say at all.

 

The OW isn't your problem, maintain NC, get a new job if she continues to work with you, and forget about her. Focus on your wife, the one who needs your help to heal, and the one who actually was hurt by your actions without having any say in the matter. The OW doesn't deserve your sympathy, your wife does.

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BigBlueSky

Thanks for sharing your story. There is a sense of helplessness in your writing and although I understand that (I was a MOW), I also think it’s time for you to step out of that kind of thinking. The man that you were doesn’t have to be the man that you continue to be. You have the capacity to change.

 

Are you in IC? I think it would be valuable for you to be in therapy to help you to walk through this painful time. There’s grief in letting go of someone you love (no matter how wrong and messed up it was to do it), there’s the knowledge that you cheated on your wife and needing to rebuild your marriage. There’s also the need to work through the questions of how you could do something so awful to people that you say that you love. What does that say about you as a person? Who do you want to be and how do you get there? It won’t happen overnight, but just start making the choices that reflect who you want to be as a husband and as a human being. It’s a long road... but you can get there!

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Maddieandtae

Petofadiva there will be an immense amount of pain for all who are touched by the affair. It's going to take along time to journey through the many emotions before healing will begin. Seek counseling and support groups to help you find out about you. If the other women is threatening sucide, someone needs to know. Maybe you need to reach out to her husband or another family member and let them know. Than block and walk.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very, very powerful testimony.

I am a MW involved in a one year affair with a MM who has made it very clear from the start that he has no intention of leaving his wife (his marriage is much better than mine). I still push and wish for more even though I know damn well I am being delusional.

What you describe is my worst fear (though it would happen from us being caught, an email being discovered, rather than me doing the absurd and telling our respective spouses!).

After finding this forum I have recently told MM that i thought we should take a break, because I was expecting too much from him and it was making me miserable, and he agreed that was a good idea because he is not able to give me what I want, even though he "loves me with all his soul". (sorry I just had to include that quote because the things he says are so inconsistent with his actions that it's hard to take him completely seriously at this point).

I am so grateful for the forum. It might end up helping me save my life as I know it.

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BluesPower
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very, very powerful testimony.

I am a MW involved in a one year affair with a MM who has made it very clear from the start that he has no intention of leaving his wife (his marriage is much better than mine). I still push and wish for more even though I know damn well I am being delusional.

What you describe is my worst fear (though it would happen from us being caught, an email being discovered, rather than me doing the absurd and telling our respective spouses!).

After finding this forum I have recently told MM that i thought we should take a break, because I was expecting too much from him and it was making me miserable, and he agreed that was a good idea because he is not able to give me what I want, even though he "loves me with all his soul". (sorry I just had to include that quote because the things he says are so inconsistent with his actions that it's hard to take him completely seriously at this point).

I am so grateful for the forum. It might end up helping me save my life as I know it.

 

 

 

Dear... I am so sorry that you are still here. Why not divorce your husband and start a new life so you might be able to be happy?

 

 

Like you have been told, and like you seem to be figuring out, he really does not love you or he would be with you...

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This..

 

 

 

And, some high proportion of them are going to wind up with exactly the situation you have, woman's husband leaves/divorces her, man's wife stays/reconciles. It's a terrible deal,

 

Isn't that the cold hard truth. I have always joked with my MM that while my husband would/will immediately divorce me if he found out, the only price MM would have to pay was the lifetime of couple's counseling that his wife would make him attend!

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whichwayisup
Thanks Fred for the link

 

Blues. Agreed it’s one Hundred percent my fault. We had a full on affair. Both women wanted to be with me. I chose my wife and let the other woman down. After discovery her family is ruined whereas we are working on our marriage. I have a long road ahead of me. I just feel like I wronged everyone

 

Some people can't forgive affairs and nor do they want to give a second chance. Seems like you've earned yours, you're deeply regretful and feel bad for hurting your wife. You're making an effort to change and regain your wife's trust again. The MW (OW) may not be doing the same as you with her husband and maybe her husband isn't as forgiving. Once trust was shaken up and gone, it's possible he just doesn't want to give her a second chance. That's not your problem so don't worry about xMW and her marriage and life at home. Just focus on working on you, and your marriage.

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Love did not ruin you... you brought this all on your own head.

 

 

POppy

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You write that you mutually decided to call it off, but then after you returned from your vacation she started pushing to go all in. You had clearly stated your position to her. Asking you to reconsider is understandable, but once you were firm that your decision had not changed that should have been it. Regardless of what was happening with her marriage, she should have left you alone to deal with yours in peace.

 

She accused you of unilaterally deciding to sacrifice your relationship with her, but obviously thought she had the right to unilaterally decide that you would continue seeing her. Then she unilaterally decided to blow up both of your worlds, personal and professional.

 

As others have commented, she chose to get involved with you, she knew you had a wife and a family. You choosing to end it with her was a very foreseeable outcome. If she truly loved you, and if she was truly your friend, she would not have tried emotionally blackmailing you with suicide and certainly would not have tried to destroy your family.

 

If you lied to her and made promises you had no intention of keeping (not sure you did, but if), then shame on you. But even then, she’s a grown woman, a wife and a mother. She should have known it was a long shot. It’s not your job to comfort her.

 

Focus on your wife and your marriage, that needs to be where all of your energy is right now.

 

I have relevant experience to comment on her behavior. I have a thread with all the boring details, just know that I’ve been there.

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Petofadiva
So if you are working on it, stop thinking like this (Bolded). No you did not let her down, she was not yours to let down. She was a grown woman, she knew what she was doing and so did you.

 

Listen, you are not the only man to hurt a woman, a lot of us have. I am not proud of the times I have done it. Which is why I stopped doing it.

 

But as far as taking responsibility goes, and working on your marriage, you need to get this crap out of your head.

 

It matters to your wife how you think about what you did. The OW does not deserve your consideration for a second, and as far as your wife is concerned she deserves consideration for less than a micro second.

 

This type of thinking will continue to hurt your wife and you have done enough of that, so knock it the F*** off, ok.

 

You were both selfish jerks and did what you wanted to because it was fun naughty and it was easier than fixing your marriage.

 

Changing the why that you think about things in your head, changes the way that you act. It can help you help your wife heal which is completely your responsibility.

 

Understand?

 

Blues

I have read and reread your post multiple times. Thanks for posting it. Hard to disagree with anything you say. The OW was my best friend too. Some of this is coming from coping with her blaming me from the last 6 months. But I agree all my energy needs to be redirected.

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Petofadiva
Petofadiva,

 

 

You didn't drag your ow into the affair. She walked in, eyes wide open, fully knowing what she was going to do.

 

 

 

Given what you say, especially how she threatened suicide thee times in three days tells me she's into the drama of the whole situation. She's a mother and threatening to turn her child's life upside down even more than she already has- because her affair is over? Blaming you for her own choices?

 

 

 

Both you and her needs to attend to your own personal crises and place the blame for all of this squarely where it belongs. On your respective shoulders. She knew what she as getting into and if she can't handle the fallout, that is on her.

 

 

 

As for you, your wife needs you right now. If you wish to reconcile with her, then that means being there for her fully. Stop worrying about the ow, and, since it sounds like your workplace has become toxic, starting looking for another job or ask for a transfer- if you can. If you don't, your ow will drag you down right along with her. If you two are apart, you can both gain some perspective which will be helpful to you both over the long term.

 

Thanks for your note pepperbird. I need to find another job soon as soon as I am mentally ready to apply for an interview. I am seeing her anger reflected at work too and am finding it hard to continue to work there.

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Petofadiva
This..

This is what you sign up for when you enter an A, ~95%+ of them are going to wind up like this. And, some high proportion of them are going to wind up with exactly the situation you have, woman's husband leaves/divorces her, man's wife stays/reconciles. It's a terrible deal, but she entered into it willingly, so she doesn't deserve your sympathy; she chose this. What you didn't tell us, but I'm pretty sure is true, you likely did a lot of "future faking", talking about "when we can be together" and "what it would be like" when you don't have those pesky spouses in the way anymore. This is also part and parcel of an A, so, if you did it, don't beat yourself up too bad, it's a necessary ingredient in many A's.

 

Your wife, however, didn't, is feeling more pain (and not being a drama queen and talking about killing herself 3X a day) and all of it was foisted upon her without any say at all.

 

The OW isn't your problem, maintain NC, get a new job if she continues to work with you, and forget about her. Focus on your wife, the one who needs your help to heal, and the one who actually was hurt by your actions without having any say in the matter. The OW doesn't deserve your sympathy, your wife does.

 

Thanks overtaxed for your note. While I genuinely believed that we were in love I never promised eventual marriage. One of her main complaints over the last few months was that I never chose her once over my family. So I was never stringing her along with a promise. Words of love and yearning-yes. Never a promise of ending up together. Yet I could have put an end to this much much before and I did not. That will be my mistake.

 

My focus is totallly on my wife. She was made aware of this situation 5 mins before the ow called with her final threat of suicide. She handled the situation with so much compassion and grace that I hang my head in shame. She empathized with the ow for her hurt feelings and my part in her hurt, she also acknowledged that errors in our marriage led us there and for that she also took responsibility. But ultimately she was firm in saying that she won’t ever leave me and that the ow’s threat of suicide could be made by anyone and is not a solution. I was totally humbled and understood how I was misreading notion of unconditional love. Is it a desire to have me at all costs or is it showing immense grace under tremendous duress?

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Petofadiva
Thanks for sharing your story. There is a sense of helplessness in your writing and although I understand that (I was a MOW), I also think it’s time for you to step out of that kind of thinking. The man that you were doesn’t have to be the man that you continue to be. There’s also the need to work through the questions of how you could do something so awful to people that you say that you love. What does that say about you as a person? Who do you want to be and how do you get there? It won’t happen overnight, but just start making the choices that reflect who you want to be as a husband and as a human being. It’s a long road... but you can get there!

 

Bigbluesky

Thanks for your empathy. Yes I am in therapy and trying to address all the points you have raised about myself. For the last few months since I realized what a mess I helped create, I have been desperately searching for a way to minimize the pain for all concerned. After going through the process, realized that mistake is mine but pain is equally felt by everyone we love around us. They had no say in it, yet go through so much pain due to my selfish actions.

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Petofadiva
Petofadiva . If the other women is threatening sucide, someone needs to know. Maybe you need to reach out to her husband or another family member and let them know. Than block and walk.

 

The threat of suicide was what pushed me over the edge. It was easily the most traumatic experience in my life. Still get nightmares. I got multiple calls describing things like “now listen to my death” etc. I managed to talk her out of it and asked her to go ahead and disclose to both our families like she wanted to. I did not want to have cops show up at her home without her husband having a clue or risk having her harm herself by my inaction. Since her family knows now I hope she will be savage. I also told her since now everyone knows if ever she does it again I am calling 911 right away.

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Petofadiva
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very, very powerful testimony.

I am a MW involved in a one year affair with a MM who has made it very clear from the start that he has no intention of leaving his wife (his marriage is much better than mine). I still push and wish for more even though I know damn well I am being delusional.

What you describe is my worst fear (though it would happen from us being caught, an email being discovered, rather than me doing the absurd and telling our respective spouses!).

 

I am so grateful for the forum. It might end up helping me save my life as I know it.

Aloha

Thanks for sharing your story. Your perspective closely mirrors my ow’s. She spiraled down from “I understand that we can’t do this’ to ‘I can’t live without u’. I am not blaming her, she just has intense personality.

 

If I may offer my piece of advise, while you and your mm are in control, please end it and put it behind you. If one of you chooses to tell or if there is a discovery, there is a world of pain ahead. Not just yours but a whole lot of innocent people. I would hate for anyone else to be in my shoes right now.

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Petofadiva
Love did not ruin you... you brought this all on your own head.

 

 

POppy

 

Thanks for your note poppy. I meant bringing in love into a friendship ruined our lives and also our friendship. Everything is finished

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Petofadiva

If you lied to her and made promises you had no intention of keeping (not sure you did, but if), then shame on you. But even then, she’s a grown woman, a wife and a mother. She should have known it was a long shot. It’s not your job to comfort her

 

I have relevant experience to comment on her behavior. I have a thread with all the boring details, just know that I’ve been there.

 

Finding my way

Thanks for your note. No promises were made. I am really intrigued by your comment of relevant experience to comment on. Is it the Consequences thread?

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"Relevant experience" might have been misleading. I meant that I began my affair with a MM while I was making the final decision on ending my own marriage. I made the decision fairly quickly to divorce while MM is still married today. I always knew where I stood, I always knew he would salvage his marriage if he could. So even though I have experienced heartbreak and disappointment with my MM, I would never dream of doing what your OW did - because I do love him. I'm responsible for my own choice to get involved in the first place and to continue. I'm not his victim.

 

Your wife is exhibiting love. What your OW is showing is nowhere near it.

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Can I be blananty honest. You can’t do anything to help your wife bc you’re in absolutely no place to do so.. You’re still lying to yourself which means you’ll still be lying to her. You say OWneas your “best friend” well if you treat a best friend by lying & only worries to cover your own butt...how do you treat people you don’t like? In another post you say “if someone tells you’re in for a whole world of hurt”...which means scream you only care that it came out.

 

This is how I see It (going by what “you’ve” written) you knew OW was unstable & took advantage of it, then it blew up in your face & now you’re only worried about damage control. That’s not love in any shape or form all the way around. You love yourself & statuesque & hate having to deal with your consequences.

 

I had an affair & I’m the one that told my H...bc I wanted out of my marriage at that point & the only reason I had an A was bc I used It as an easy exit. Hated my H & thought he’d leave. I never Once lied to OM, I told him I couldn’t leave for him, that I wanted To leave bc I was unhappy in my marriage & no matter what happened I’d need time to myself. My H begged me to give him a try to fix things & I figured I owed it to him to give it one last chance & things got better. I’ll always love the OM in a certain way but I showed It by being honest.

 

I’m happy I told Bc I couLent stand not ever wanted to live that way...but that’s how my H knew & choose to still be with me. I’ve never been that way & never want to be again. As I read What you’re writing, it’s all surrounded by “you pretty much got caught” & you have to deal with it. That’s not guilt, it’s not understanding how low you are...until you actually understand how low as a human you hit, why even be with your wife...she deserves someone that at least truly is regretful for hurting her...not a guy that just wants to hold bc he doesn’t want to deal with backlash of a divorce.

 

OW did make her own choices but her choices have nothing to do with you at this point...you made the choice to take advantage of a weak woman, only for fun. That’s one heck of a character flaw....I hope for your wife’s sake she finds some self respect & sees who you really are.

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