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Old 3rd June 2018, 6:58 PM   #1
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s -Open Marriage

So my husband and I began an open marriage just 3 months ago after a totally monogamous 23 year relationship. This is a course we have slowly been heading towards for the last 7 years. At first, it started out as the idea of finding another woman and exploring the ideas around polyamory. I have been much more of a proponent of all this than he has.

We did read much on the subject and set forth boundaries and rules for each of us to abide by. One rule he insisted upon was being totally open with our devices and communications with prospective lovers. Of course I agreed as there should be nothing to hide. I recently met someone who is in to some kinky play (which I find arousing). Of course we do converse about these kinky desires (none of which I would refuse to do with my husband). One morning as I slept my husband went through my phone and read these kinky messages. Mind you, I had abided by every rule and/or boundary we set forth. He was utterly destroyed and infuriated. He has told me that he has to be able to respect me as a woman and to read such conversations makes him think little of me. I really feel like he was not ready for an open marriage and all that comes with it. Nor should have I agreed to the random reading of my messages. I did agree to that in an effort to build trust and to be open and honest in all things. All it has done however is create more turmoil and unrest in my marriage. At this point, I have changed the passcode to my phone.

Now I am just looking for kindred people who can share their experiences and what does or does not work in an open marriage. I know that a lot of what comes with an open marriage is based upon the individual couple. I am trying to do my best to make this work. If there are ideas or suggestions I am open to that. I know my husband loves me very much as do I him. I just want to make things work and I have no other source to confide in on such issues.
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Old 4th June 2018, 1:46 AM   #2
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Instead of an open marriage, where you do things separately, try swinging and do things together. I don't advocate such a lifestyle but if you're going to do things then do them together. That way you both know what is happening. I do wish you well.
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Old 4th June 2018, 1:52 AM   #3
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You just got a good dose on why open marriages don't work out well in reality.

Keep it up and you won't have one
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Old 4th June 2018, 2:40 AM   #4
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He's being judgy and un-empathetic because he's scared. How on board is he? If he really wants to be open he's more likely to be able to work through that to get to what he wants. But if he's feeling like you want it and he's reluctantly going on, that sounds rough.
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Old 4th June 2018, 3:23 AM   #5
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Whose idea was it initially to open your marriage? You say you've been much more the proponent here, so I have to wonder if he went along with it even though it wasn't what he truly wanted at all.

I also would ask if you have ever explored those specific kinks with your husband. You might not refuse to do so with him, but if they're something you two haven't tried together first, he is likely feeling quite hurt that you'd discuss that with another man before you try with him.

Another poster suggested swinging. Honestly, I think that would be the better option here if you two are really convinced you want to open up your marriage. I don't think that having separate fun or separate secondary relationships is going to work at all here.

Before proceeding with any extra-marital activities, though, I would strongly advise marital counseling. Try to find a therapist who has experience in helping couples navigate open relationships. The way you and your husband are going about this isn't working, as you've just discovered, so I would not go any further without some in-depth conversations guided by an experienced and qualified professional.

Last edited by ExpatInItaly; 4th June 2018 at 3:26 AM..
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Old 4th June 2018, 4:26 AM   #6
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The end of 23 year

[]I feel sorry for your husband.
Changing your PIN code is the dumbest thing you can do.
You create more suspicion because of the mystery.
You will destroy your husband, he is not made for it.
I read that you are all for it, enthusiastic about it.

I think your husband does not want to lose you and that's why he said ok.He will cry and become insane to know that you are with your new lover.
As almost all women you will develop feelings, it is new and exciting.
The hormones and love chemicals will take you.

Your husband loses his last bit of self-confidence, although he will try not to show it.
You make him cuckold. You will start doubting your 23-year marriage while you live up to your kinky lover.
There are many examples on this site. In more than 90% is the end of marriage.
So think carefully ,,, but perhaps you have done that and after 23 years you are ready for another man. Too bad for your family.

good luckDutchman 1

Last edited by Moderator; 4th June 2018 at 11:43 AM.. Reason: troll callout ~T Paragraphs and minor edit ~W
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Old 4th June 2018, 7:00 AM   #7
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Many things could be going on. First, he may be a hypocrite, wanting this for himself but upset when you begin to have some success. Has he had any success so far? It could be he's put off because he hasn't met anyone. Or it could be that he has a narrower list of sexual turn-ons, and is upset to find you have a wider range than him. As a result, he could feel threatened that he doesn't satisfy you, even if he does. Not everyone likes all the same things - we all have our limits and preferences.

Or it could just be adjustment anxiety, but this sounds like more since he is being unreasonably insulting and judgmental for someone who supposedly also wanted to pursue this.

Anyway, we've been poly/open for 18 years, and communication is key to working through any rough spots. However, his words go beyond rough spot concerns into unacceptable judgment, and you should be able to tell his this calmly and ask him what's really bothering him. Maybe he can't handle an open relationship and wants to stop, but somehow feels unable to say so.
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Old 4th June 2018, 7:08 AM   #8
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Wow...another marriage down in flames. Sorry OP, but you will rue what you let sympathies here. Newlyweds, learn not to do this.
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Old 4th June 2018, 9:25 AM   #9
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Perfect example for why open marriages fail most of the time. You wanted it and I'm guessing he felt backed Into a corner and reluctantly agreed.

Now you compound it by becoming secretive, not going to end well.
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Old 4th June 2018, 5:17 PM   #10
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It's very, very difficult to "open" a long-term monogamous marriage. Huge roadbumps are normal.

Poly relationships tend to work better when they started poly so that everyone actually shared principles ahead of time, rather than one person getting talked into something they weren't necessarily okay with or didn't entirely understand. People often don't know how viscerally they will feel jealousy and/or loneliness until it happens.

Now, just because you've hit this big speedbump does not mean it can't work out but it does mean you two are going to have to do a lot of work together on rebuilding your understanding of each other and your relationships.

Locking your phone and pulling away is a terrible idea, unless you want the two of you to break up. That sends him the message "I don't trust you and I don't care about your feelings, I'm just going to do my own thing over here"

If you want to fix this, I would suggest temporarily pausing any play with other people. Tell them you need to focus on your primary relationship. Show him that, and leave your phone open. This does not mean you can never play again ever, but you need to be able to emphasize that you are taking his feelings seriously.

Then start talking, with a counselor if necessary. Does he really feel your kinks are disgusting, or was he just shocked and surprised? Is he really okay with you playing with others, does he actually want any of that for himself? Would he be into swinging? How would he feel if he saw you kiss someone else in front of him? Things like this, you need to talk about.

Any sort of non-monogamy requires EXCELLENT communication skills. Otherwise, it's going to be a disaster.
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Old 5th June 2018, 10:22 PM   #11
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I think is is ok with his wife being respected by the guy she chose.

I believe the kink was completely disrespectful towards her. What husband would treat his wife like a gutter trash whore, or allow her to be.
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Old 10th June 2018, 9:23 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by grays View Post
He's being judgy and un-empathetic because he's scared. How on board is he? If he really wants to be open he's more likely to be able to work through that to get to what he wants. But if he's feeling like you want it and he's reluctantly going on, that sounds rough.
I wouldn't call this scared to be absolutely honest. He's rapidly finding out she's not the person he thought she was, that they're not compatible and have wildly different values. This has very little to do with "fear" or "being scared" which are mostly just negative attributions being thrown into the mix to try and make a person seem "bad".

On topic. You've pushed for an open marriage. Now you're getting the fallout. I'm often surprised how surprised people are. Seriously there's a huge ammount of stuff one can write about this and why it almost always ends bad eventually. From hormone production during the act of sex which directly contributes to pair bonding and how even serial monogamy can wreck this. How the genders are ultimatively different in some fairly important ways etc.

You seem to have been the main driving factor behind this. Initially it started out with "baiting him" with another woman. Now you've managed to wrench it open. You thought you had your cake and could eat it too. Turns out his self interest is increasingly reasserting himself. You've managed to turn him "compliant" where all of this was concerned in theory and fantasy. Now that things are actually happening/about to happen and what's going on he seems to find he doesn't like it afterall.

Which isn't really surprising. Not only will it be far harder for him to find a partner to engage in any of these things. There's also biological factors to account for. He doesn't seem to have a fetish for sharing you, much less letting another man debase his wife in such a way.

Honestly, I'd be surprised if you guys weren't divorced in a few months, especially if you keep pushing this rather than cut it off right now. Being open with him is EXACTLY the problem. It's like showing someone an infected wound up close, it isn't going to lessen their disgust and revulsion but only fuel it.

Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Perfect example for why open marriages fail most of the time. You wanted it and I'm guessing he felt backed Into a corner and reluctantly agreed.

Now you compound it by becoming secretive, not going to end well.
My favorite part is how the usual suspects pile on, tell us how he needs "counseling" and "therapy" for not wanting something the vast majority of humans did not want. How he's being unreasonable, a hypocrite and inadequate amongst a bunch of other things. Then again, she wants her cake and eat it too and I doubt anything is going to stop her self destruction. If he already reacts in this way before stuff actually happened then this is going to blow up in her face in short order.

Which funnily enough might also drive the other guys away. Because some easy fun on the side with her having a secure roost to return to is a far cry from a divorcee.

Last edited by Maraud3r; 10th June 2018 at 9:45 AM..
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