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What to think/ ?


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Old 31st May 2018, 9:36 AM   #1
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What to think/ ?

Married for almost 20 years...have wonderful healthy children. Wife has tossed out the 'not in love with me' both to myself and to a marriage counselor. Menopause, a loss of a friend and an early affair has brought this on. Question now is my wife is involved in a long distance relationship that was one of many over the last couple years. Her current one makes her feel like a human being as she described it - not being labelled a wife, mother or anything else. Shares so much detail about life, our family and me in a negative light. What the heck should I be feeling/doing? Confused....
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Old 31st May 2018, 9:38 AM   #2
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Well, she's having an affair. An emotional affair, but still an affair. You should do what you would do if she were having an actual physical affair close to home. What that is will differ for everyone.

Sorry you're dealing with this .
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Old 31st May 2018, 9:42 AM   #3
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Your wife is involved in a long distance relationship with someone that is not you... sharing information about your life together, your family... That would not be acceptable to me.

I'm sorry to say it, but you wife may physically be present in your home, but she has emotionally walked out the door. Best to let her go. Push her, if she does not leave.

Take care of yourself and your children. Best wishes.
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Old 31st May 2018, 9:46 AM   #4
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A marriage can only be repaired when both people want to work to fix it. She checked out. If the MC isn't working, you need to talk to a lawyer & find a good divorce support group for yourself.

Sorry. Hang in there.
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Old 31st May 2018, 9:55 AM   #5
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Its a tough call here. Without sounding soft/push over like, marriage has trouble. All marriages do at times. What if she just needs a really good friend that happens to be a man? She's indicated she has feelings for him but as a very very good friend. Again, sounds lame, I know, but what if that is the case and I am damaging things further?
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Old 31st May 2018, 9:59 AM   #6
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Do the 180 and at least act like you are moving on. Get some new hobbies and friends, work out, lose weight, etc. Any of that pleading, begging, groveling stuff will drive her farther away.
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Old 31st May 2018, 10:03 AM   #7
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Jack,

Who had the early affair? Yourself or your wife? I think this is a bigger impact them you are letting on. In any case you have not really told us much. Certainly, not enough to give a reasoned response.

More data, please.

I wish you luck...
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Old 31st May 2018, 10:05 AM   #8
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No grovelling or begging here. And certainly am involved in a number of outside activities and quite busy with the kids. Still under the same roof and apparently working things through albeit she feels cheated to have to give up the relationship if I forced her hand. Explains that if it were a woman she was talking to, I would have no issue. Just seems so easy to toss aside a marriage.
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Old 31st May 2018, 10:07 AM   #9
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I had the earlier affair.
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Old 31st May 2018, 10:16 AM   #10
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Sure, all marriages have their good times and bad... but a marriage is usually over when one partner turns outside the marriage to a third party. If you think she’s just seeking the support of a “friend,” I would beg to disagree. There is only room for two people in any marriage.
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Old 31st May 2018, 10:26 AM   #11
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I would think, and from what little you have told us, that you and your wife never worked out you betrayal from that early affair. I wold bet you have not really shown full and total remorse for what you did to her and your marriage. Because of this the bonds of your marriage are lose, and she is looking for a emotional connection outside of the marriage. Your only hope is to start talking things out, and try and reconnect with each other. A good no holds barred talk going over everything, and maybe with an outside counselor would be good. On top of that, work to reconnect. Small things at first, then larger as she accepts you back. This will take time, but if you want your marriage to go on, you will put her first, and let her know you are. It is what both of you should have been doing all along, especially after your affair. Start with date night. One day a week, no questions, no excuses, you do something you both like together. Does not have to be expensive, could be just a walk in the park, but do something together. Make the habit.

I wish you luck.....
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Old 31st May 2018, 2:07 PM   #12
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Unhappy

On the contrary, I've been very remorseful - single biggest mistake I ever made and she, along with family, friends and even our children are aware of that. Having said that, not much I can say to convince anyone here. We did work through it, or at least, it seemed we did so. 3 children after, much happiness. What seems to have been the catalyst for this change is the bringing on of menopause. Emotions from the past, loss of identity and a need to feel loved for who she is without condition. Anyhow, I can ramble on and on - love her, love the family and simply think I have to continue doing exactly what you've proposed (we been doing just that over the last few months). I owe our marriage/relationship just that. For all intents and purposes, our marriage is seemingly good but its the friendship/emotional connection she feels she still needs which maybe, I have the issue with. What do I know - again its not about being a pushover and the general idea is to dump her as most would say. But rekindling, reconnecting and readjusting take time I have no need to leave/go anywhere at this time so here I am!!
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Old 31st May 2018, 2:28 PM   #13
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I'd suggest you tell her you have the same expectations she had when you were involved with someone else. And that is, in order to fix and focus on your marriage, contact with the outside party will be cut-off. Isn't that what she wanted at the time?

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Old 31st May 2018, 2:31 PM   #14
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Yes, I had to do just that. I left the OW.

Easier said than done for her though. As I mentioned earlier; I'll get the I'm trying to control, men and women can be friends, I have the issue, she is a grown woman and can speak to whom she wishes.
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Old 31st May 2018, 2:32 PM   #15
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She won't even admit its an emotional affair!
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