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Anyone left a marriage out of boredom?


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This is something that's been running through my brain over the past few months. Bluntly speaking I'm rather bored with my spouse. She's great in many areas our our lives, but the excitement and intrigued for me has waned. This is largely because I feel we have no real connection any longer and I honestly have to put that on her for the most part. And no, I'm not going through a mid-life crisis.

 

Over the 20+ years we've been together I've noticed that she gets her mo-jo more from social relationships be it work, after work, social media, whatever, whereas I get my mo-jo from one-on-one personal and intimate relationships, which is one of the things I really enjoy about marriage. Actually, I'm the romantic in our relationship. I'm glad she has social relationships, and I have my own as well, but I feel like hers have always taken precedence over our one-on-one relationship in terms of where she draws her "needs" from.

 

This never really bothered me in the past but as I've gotten older I'm asking myself, is this it? Do I settle for being content when there could be an exciting future partner out there who's a better match for me? I'm not getting any younger.

 

Part of it is I feel invisible around her at times. Ignored at other times. She's not rude or mean. She's just kind of in her own world. What's made matters worse is her discovery of a smart phone, which she's only had for the past few months. She can sit and play with a smart phone for hours when she gets home from work. She's completely inactive otherwise.

 

I'm sitting right in the same room but I typically feel like I'm not even there because she's so wrapped up in what's in her hand. I've put movies or a TV show on, suggesting we watch together. She'll give me the okay, but within minutes of putting something on I'll look over and she's focused on her smart phone (facebook) or something else related to her phone. Frankly, it's like having another teenager around and it's quite irritating at times. :mad:

 

She's never had the libido that I've had and that's just something I've had to deal with for the better part of our time together. But I can't tell you how many Friday nights we've had to ourselves (older kids gone for the night) and I'm waiting for her to maybe suggest we have a little private "time" together. Never happens. Mind you, I can suggest it and she'll typically be okay with it, but just once I'd like to think that when we have time alone together maybe she'd suggest a little intimacy time? Nope. She's either messing with her phone, or intrigued by something on the TV. Typically by 10:30 now I just go to bed and give up on hoping she'll change.

 

Yes, I've made comments to her about it. In fact a couple of my comments have been rather sarcastic as in, "Geez, it's like having another teenager around" (hint, hint)

 

But this brings me back to why these things are going through my thoughts now and then. Such as "Do I just settle for this?" or, "Is there something better out there?" Do I even consider rocking the boat when things aren't that bad?

 

And the other part of the equation is, I occasionally draw some female attention here and there. I've never acted on those moments, but yes, I have to be honest and admit that it leaves me seriously thinking, could this be a better deal long term than me than sitting at home watching my wife play with her smart phone? :(

 

I don't know? I guess I'm hoping there are some people on LS who have left what might otherwise be considered a "good" marriage and can give me some insights, like "it was the best move I ever made" or, "God, I was stupid for even considering it." Maybe I'm just hitting a rut where I'm panicking and wondering if this is how I'm going to live out my remaining years with my wife. :(

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treehugger12

I so feel your pain. You are not alone. As I was reading your post, I was thinking I could have written this, but other way around, I’m a wife dealing with this with my husband. In fact I thought about starting a thread myself on this same topic but am a little shy doing so. He though is only into gaming but is so addicted and plays for hours and hours in the garage, then comes in late at night only to expect dinner! I’ve been dealing with this for 4 years. Been together for 26 years. No kids and it’s still hard to leave and throw away so many years, it’s constantly on my mind and I live a lonely life. It made me so sad reading your post because I felt like it was myself speaking. I wish I had advice to give you, sadly, I think this happens a lot in so many marriages.

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Try marriage counseling.

 

You took VOWS: you know for better or worse, in good times & in bad. I firmly believe that spouses need to honor those vows & do everything to stay together. You feel in love once. There has to be a way to do it again.

 

Snarky comments like "it's like having a teenager" are not helpful. Sit her down. Tell her how isolated you feel. Offer concrete ideas of what would help you feel more connected. For example: no cell phone at dinner; an hour of evening conversation. Have you tried a romantic weekend away to rekindle your connection?

 

My husband is a night owl. I go to bed hours before he does. For a while that broke my heart, going to bed alone every night. Now most nights my husband comes up to bed with me & we cuddle for a few minutes until I fall asleep then he goes back downstairs to do write or play on the computer. It's an acceptable compromise. I urge you to find solutions like that for what you feel ails your marriage.

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BluesPower

Well so far... I am not really hearing that you have had a serious talk with her.

 

No need to be sarcastic, just make a list like you did here and talk to her, no phones on BTW.

 

And, you need to have the balls to say, after telling her how you feel and why... that you are prepared to divorce if things do not drastically change.

 

Then is nothing changes, yeah divorce her.

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I so feel your pain. You are not alone. As I was reading your post, I was thinking I could have written this, but other way around, I’m a wife dealing with this with my husband. In fact I thought about starting a thread myself on this same topic but am a little shy doing so. He though is only into gaming but is so addicted and plays for hours and hours in the garage, then comes in late at night only to expect dinner! I’ve been dealing with this for 4 years. Been together for 26 years. No kids and it’s still hard to leave and throw away so many years, it’s constantly on my mind and I live a lonely life. It made me so sad reading your post because I felt like it was myself speaking. I wish I had advice to give you, sadly, I think this happens a lot in so many marriages.

 

I've never myself been into gaming so I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. To me they're for kids. Men are supposed to grow up and move on and become men. But I've known a few marriages that have struggled with preciously what you posted.

 

A good friend of mine who I worked with for a number of years finally left her husband for this reason. He accomplished nothing at home and she and I would have coffee and she'd tell me how he can sit in front of his computer for hours on end gaming endlessly.

 

They had no sex life over the final couple of years. She'd just lost all respect for him. Now 8 years later she has no regrets. She knew it was never going to get better. They were together for about 18 years.

 

I'm assuming you've discussed it with him and told him you feel invisible and non-existent to his hobby? :mad:

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Try marriage counseling.

Snarky comments like "it's like having a teenager" are not helpful. Sit her down. Tell her how isolated you feel. Offer concrete ideas of what would help you feel more connected. For example: no cell phone at dinner; an hour of evening conversation. Have you tried a romantic weekend away to rekindle your connection?

 

My husband is a night owl. I go to bed hours before he does. For a while that broke my heart, going to bed alone every night. Now most nights my husband comes up to bed with me & we cuddle for a few minutes until I fall asleep then he goes back downstairs to do write or play on the computer. It's an acceptable compromise. I urge you to find solutions like that for what you feel ails your marriage.

 

Yeah, we've done the romantic get away's and she's fine at that particular point. But she returns to the same pattern quite quickly when we're back to reality. My other concern is just the sheer inactivity. She's at the office all day, comes home and sits with a smart phone or the TV. Clearly not a healthy lifestyle and I've made comments (nicely) and even shared health-related articles about how inactivity leads to so many ailments. Didn't have any impact I'm afraid. :(

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Try cooking healthier meal with her after work & inviting her to join you on a romantic after dinner stroll. You will get exercise & couple time. Make real life more fun then staring at the phone

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So you are right about her being like a teenager all wrapped up in her electronics and ignoring and even perhaps evading interaction with you.

 

But a snarky comment isn't going to get it.

 

You are going to have to sit down, maybe even ask her to leave her phone in the other room, and talk seriously and calmly with her. Tell her she needs to stop spending so much time on her phone and social media because you feel she has abandoned real life in the same way a teenagers isolates himself in his room with his electronics. Tell her you feel ignored and totally abandoned in favor of her electronics. Tell her you'll do your part in getting you two out of the house more doing things you hopefully both enjoy, and then make those plans and ask what she'd like to do and be clear electronics will not be part of these outings. Nothing worse than taking someone to something special only to have them constantly looking into their phone.

 

I wouldn't even bring up sex yet. Too much resentment there and another issue entirely.

 

Right now, you need to get your wife back into the real world. If she doesn't want to give you emotional companionship, then at least she knows this is something you expect in a marriage. First you have to see if she is even willing to reconnect and get her head out of the clouds, and if she is, give it some time and then see how things are going with sex.

Good luck.

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Sounds more like (her) abandonment than (you) being bored. Abandonment used to be a grounds for fault divorce.

 

I'd offer one opportunity to refocus and, if no joy, serve her. Sometimes people need a hard slap to get their attention. Don't be afraid to give it. Women definitely don't respect cowards and doormats. Looking back, I was the latter. Good life lesson.

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treehugger12
I've never myself been into gaming so I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. To me they're for kids. Men are supposed to grow up and move on and become men. But I've known a few marriages that have struggled with preciously what you posted.

 

A good friend of mine who I worked with for a number of years finally left her husband for this reason. He accomplished nothing at home and she and I would have coffee and she'd tell me how he can sit in front of his computer for hours on end gaming endlessly.

 

They had no sex life over the final couple of years. She'd just lost all respect for him. Now 8 years later she has no regrets. She knew it was never going to get better. They were together for about 18 years.

 

I'm assuming you've discussed it with him and told him you feel invisible and non-existent to his hobby? :mad:

 

I’ve discussed it hundreds of times and cried to him, he always feels bad and knows what it’s doing to our marriage, always said he’d cut back or he removed the gaming apps but days later he’s back to it, I gave up a long time ago because I was so tired of being mad about it, now I just do my own thing and do things to make myself happy. We spend time together doing things but every minute we are home he is gaming, even in the restroom! I feel a lot like I’m missing out on things, I’ve had opportunities and they are hard to resist when your missing them at home...

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BluesPower

You never answered my question...

 

Have you sat her down, with no phones or TV and actually said:

 

I am prepared to divorce you if this, all of this continues any more.

 

And not sarcasm, no screaming, just a calm talk. Write down what you want to say, list out the behaviors, the whole bit.

 

Then if it does not change, divorce her.

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PhillyLibertyBelle
You never answered my question...

 

Have you sat her down, with no phones or TV and actually said:

 

I am prepared to divorce you if this, all of this continues any more.

 

And not sarcasm, no screaming, just a calm talk. Write down what you want to say, list out the behaviors, the whole bit.

 

Then if it does not change, divorce her.

 

Agree and maybe have phone free time. BP your mailbox is full

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Sounds more like (her) abandonment than (you) being bored. Abandonment used to be a grounds for fault divorce.

 

I'd offer one opportunity to refocus and, if no joy, serve her. Sometimes people need a hard slap to get their attention. Don't be afraid to give it. Women definitely don't respect cowards and doormats. Looking back, I was the latter. Good life lesson.

 

She knows I'm capable of saying what's on my mind. That's not a problem. Part if it was me biding my time to see if she snaps out of it on her own or grows bored with it as many do with social media after a while. I wouldn't say she's abandoned me. I just think at times her priorities are not what they should be in a marriage.

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I’ve discussed it hundreds of times and cried to him, he always feels bad and knows what it’s doing to our marriage, always said he’d cut back or he removed the gaming apps but days later he’s back to it, I gave up a long time ago because I was so tired of being mad about it, now I just do my own thing and do things to make myself happy. We spend time together doing things but every minute we are home he is gaming, even in the restroom! I feel a lot like I’m missing out on things, I’ve had opportunities and they are hard to resist when your missing them at home...

 

Yeah, I read your other posting from March so I can see where things are difficult for you given "other choices."

 

I'm largely the same way you are. I could get mad about it or I could just find what makes me happy. So I started doing the latter. For me I've reconnected with old friends from high school whom I hadn't connected with in years. I spend time doing stuff with my current friends as well. I spend more time on hobbies I like.

 

And like you we do things together as well. But when we're home I feel like she settles into smart phone mode and just stays there in a vegetative state for hours at times.

 

I'm sorry about your situation. As I stated, I've known several marriages like yours, and they always end up with a "man-child" who can't pull themselves away from gaming.

 

Have you told him you've considered moving on? I certainly don't want to be an advocate for divorce but maybe that's the reality he needs to snap out of it?

 

Does he still try to spend intimate time with you or at least consider your romantic needs?

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You never answered my question...

 

Have you sat her down, with no phones or TV and actually said:

 

I am prepared to divorce you if this, all of this continues any more.

 

And not sarcasm, no screaming, just a calm talk. Write down what you want to say, list out the behaviors, the whole bit.

 

Then if it does not change, divorce her.

 

No I haven't done that. As I mentioned to another poster, I've waited a bit to see if she just gets bored with what she's doing and to establish if the smart phone is just a phase since it's still pretty new in her life.

 

I'm not afraid to bring it up. I'm not afraid to talk to her about it. She knows I can say what's on my mind concretely. That's never been an issue.

 

I know she senses it frustrates me and that's part of the reason I'm waiting to see if she does the right thing on her own without me issuing ultimatums and such.

 

That's largely why I've waited. I want to see if she just limits it on her own since she knows how I feel about it.

 

Those Friday nights I've mentioned in my OP with no kids around. I just went to bed after sitting there for 2-3 hours to see if she was going to suggest we do something together, and after I went to bed, it was clear she sensed my frustration. She came up to bed 10 minutes later without the phone presumably to be open to having relations. But by that time I'm frustrated and no where near where I need to be mentally for sex. She's perceptive enough to pick up on the issue. If things don't change I will have to step up and spell it out for her.

 

The reason I guess I posted this was because I wanted to see if others had similar issues and if they left a similar relationship and if it led to regrets or found it to be the best thing they could have done. I'm not vastly unhappy. I'm just a romantic looking for an engaging spouse. There are people who have it much worse than I do, but at the same time I'm in this weird place where I want more from my marriage but I also realize we get along good and most other things are status quo. But is status quo good enough is what I'm wondering? Is just being content good enough? Those are things that roll around in my head quite a bit?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
She's perceptive enough to pick up on the issue. If things don't change I will have to step up and spell it out for her.

 

 

Why wait and let resentment fester?

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People use electronics for escape. I know it can get really bad because my sister, in the early days of PC videogaming, nearly lost her house from escaping into gaming. And there's lots of people who live on their smartphones. It's not healthy and it is neglectful. You've got to take care of your real life first and work that in on a low priority.

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treehugger12
Yeah, I read your other posting from March so I can see where things are difficult for you given "other choices."

 

I'm largely the same way you are. I could get mad about it or I could just find what makes me happy. So I started doing the latter. For me I've reconnected with old friends from high school whom I hadn't connected with in years. I spend time doing stuff with my current friends as well. I spend more time on hobbies I like.

 

And like you we do things together as well. But when we're home I feel like she settles into smart phone mode and just stays there in a vegetative state for hours at times.

 

I'm sorry about your situation. As I stated, I've known several marriages like yours, and they always end up with a "man-child" who can't pull themselves away from gaming.

 

Have you told him you've considered moving on? I certainly don't want to be an advocate for divorce but maybe that's the reality he needs to snap out of it?

 

Does he still try to spend intimate time with you or at least consider your romantic needs?

 

Yes...I’ve told him I may move on, but then then he’ll be good for a short time and then back to his bad habit. Ive given up after four years of this childish behavior and I am conconsidering seperating or divorce. I know everyone needs there alone time and I never minded him playing, just the amount of hours on end playing. No intimate time anymore, that’s long gone, I have thought to myself many times that I feel like I’m married to a teenager. I’m married to my best friend, like you though, I feel like it’s not that bad...we have it pretty good but a lot is missing and not even sure it’s salvageable, I feel like it’s too late now. Missing the intimacy being with a man. I’m feeling deep down I’m ready to move on...just not sure I have the heart to do so:(

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

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Happy Lemming

I'm not married, but I have been in a long term relationship for 6 years. I usually pick my girlfriend up and spend the weekend with her.

 

Lately, when we get back to my home all she wants to do is play on her smartphone. I asked her "Why did I pick you up, if all you are going to do is play on your phone??"

 

I tried to take her bicycle riding, but she complained the whole time. Half way into our ride, she stopped, go off her bicycle and sat down. I had to ride home alone, get my truck and go pick up her and the bike. When we got back to my house, she plopped down on the couch and right back on the smartphone.

 

Short of turning my home into a Faraday Cage, I don't know how to fix my situation, either. There are other issues and problems with our relationship and I think its heading towards a conclusion.

 

I know you are married, so its not exactly the same, but I do empathize with your feelings.

 

If you are able to come up with a fix, please share...

Edited by Happy Lemming
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The reason I guess I posted this was because I wanted to see if others had similar issues and if they left a similar relationship and if it led to regrets or found it to be the best thing they could have done. I'm not vastly unhappy. I'm just a romantic looking for an engaging spouse. There are people who have it much worse than I do, but at the same time I'm in this weird place where I want more from my marriage but I also realize we get along good and most other things are status quo. But is status quo good enough is what I'm wondering? Is just being content good enough? Those are things that roll around in my head quite a bit?

 

Sounds like you've already rationalized yourself into putting one foot out the door. So you're not trying, she's not trying and years are being wasted.

 

A shame...

 

Mr. Lucky

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MidlifeMama

Your feelings are very valid !

 

Myself and many others can relate to the feelings you are having in your relationship.

 

Problem with people like us is that while we may be at a crossroads with our relationships, deep down we know it may be time to call it but fear stops us. Love stops us because we genuinely care about and love our partners. We tell ourselves it's "Good enough" and the grass may not be greener. We don't want to go through the pain or hassle of divorce and start all over. We want change, we want romance, we want excitement and attention from our partners.

 

Maybe we can't get that? Do we then settle for what morsels we do get? We rationalize that all couples get bored eventually or start to ignore one another. I look around at restaurants and can tell which couples are truly working their relationships and which have checked out and which ones need to check out. Some are engrossed in their own worlds on their phones. Some are giving the kids all the attention. Some have grown old together but still engage while others are so damn bored they can't even look at each-other.

 

I swore I'd never get there in my relationship. I truly "Like" my spouse but have no sexual chemistry and it has worn on me through the years. I always had to be the initiator and not just sex, but intimacy and emotions. Sad to say this, but he barely has a pulse but I have been with him half my life. I have struggled with the feelings you now have for about 9 years and we just hit our 25th anniversary.

 

I've written quite a bit on LostandLonging's post "Wanting to leave a good relationship"..it's hell because every time I have discussions with my husband, we try and try and we get along great and do enjoy each other's company, but we are quite different people and there is a lot missing between us.

 

If you are still able to reignite a spark between the two of you, that's great!! It means there is still hope. Sounds like major changes have to occur to save things..phones and or games (other poster) are now just as addictive as alcohol or drugs. Your wife may be depressed and or checking out of the marriage because she feels the same way you do and isn't willing to say it. Just a thought.

 

Hoping you guys can work through and really get to the bottom of what it is you now want (now, not what you had,but a new relationship) if you both want to move forward.

 

It has been said that no one but us can make us happy, just ourselves, but then what's the point of being in any relationship? No one goes into one thinking they will have to support their own needs all of the time. Relationships take constant work on both parts but then when you've done all you can, then decisions about ones happiness needs to take priority. I have yet to walk away and continue to try because it's worth it, but there may come a day (I fear) that I am likely to call it (we've had a great run).

Edited by MidlifeMama
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BluesPower
Your feelings are very valid !

 

Myself and many others can relate to the feelings you are having in your relationship.

 

Problem with people like us is that while we may be at a crossroads with our relationships, deep down we know it may be time to call it but fear stops us. Love stops us because we genuinely care about and love our partners. We tell ourselves it's "Good enough" and the grass may not be greener. We don't want to go through the pain or hassle of divorce and start all over. We want change, we want romance, we want excitement and attention from our partners.

 

Maybe we can't get that? Do we then settle for what morsels we do get? We rationalize that all couples get bored eventually or start to ignore one another. I look around at restaurants and can tell which couples are truly working their relationships and which have checked out and which ones need to check out. Some are engrossed in their own worlds on their phones. Some are giving the kids all the attention. Some have grown old together but still engage while others are so damn bored they can't even look at each-other.

 

I swore I'd never get there in my relationship. I truly "Like" my spouse but have no sexual chemistry and it has worn on me through the years. I always had to be the initiator and not just sex, but intimacy and emotions. Sad to say this, but he barely has a pulse but I have been with him half my life. I have struggled with the feelings you now have for about 9 years and we just hit our 25th anniversary.

 

I've written quite a bit on LostandLonging's post "Wanting to leave a good relationship"..it's hell because every time I have discussions with my husband, we try and try and we get along great and do enjoy each other's company, but we are quite different people and there is a lot missing between us.

 

If you are still able to reignite a spark between the two of you, that's great!! It means there is still hope. Sounds like major changes have to occur to save things..phones and or games (other poster) are now just as addictive as alcohol or drugs. Your wife may be depressed and or checking out of the marriage because she feels the same way you do and isn't willing to say it. Just a thought.

 

Hoping you guys can work through and really get to the bottom of what it is you now want (now, not what you had,but a new relationship) if you both want to move forward.

 

It has been said that no one but us can make us happy, just ourselves, but then what's the point of being in any relationship? No one goes into one thinking they will have to support their own needs all of the time. Relationships take constant work on both parts but then when you've done all you can, then decisions about ones happiness needs to take priority. I have yet to walk away and continue to try because it's worth it, but there may come a day (I fear) that I am likely to call it (we've had a great run).

 

I have written to you and others... that are in this situation.

 

All I can say to everyone, is that if you are not happy, and if you have tried to fix it, then it is time to leave.

 

MLM and I are at about the same age, while I don't even like my Ex, I really loved her at one time, probably too much.

 

And while that marriage was a nightmare in every sense of the word, I ask... is just waiting to die with each other, in a good but otherwise passionless, sexless, affectionless marriage, supposed to be enough?

 

I say, no. And MLM is right about one thing, WE are responsible for our happiness and no one else.

 

If you are in a marriage, and no matter what you do your spouse will not "Get It", then what are you supposed to do.

 

And if you wonder about the future, I won't promise it will ever be perfect, but frankly it just has to be better IMHO.

 

Now for me, since I have been free, for the most part left child rearing in my rear view mirror, and have just been living my life, I am as happy as a pig in SH**.

 

My current, and hopefully last, GF is literally the finest woman that I have ever known. And I have known a lot of women.

 

I think that I have finally found someone that really loves me, because I am me, and it is the best feeling I have ever had.

 

I believe that is out there for everyone.

 

I for one think leaving an OK marriage and trying to be happy is better than staying in an OK marriage where you are already miserable.

 

Or maybe the marriage is really not OK and people just want to think it is OK...

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I tried to take her bicycle riding, but she complained the whole time. Half way into our ride, she stopped, go off her bicycle and sat down. I had to ride home alone, get my truck and go pick up her and the bike. When we got back to my house, she plopped down on the couch and right back on the smartphone.

 

Wow! I think I would have left her and her bike by the side of the road... And waited for her to ride the rest of the way home. That's pretty sad. It sounds like you are dating a child.

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I'm not married, but I have been in a long term relationship for 6 years. I usually pick my girlfriend up and spend the weekend with her.

 

Lately, when we get back to my home all she wants to do is play on her smartphone. I asked her "Why did I pick you up, if all you are going to do is play on your phone??"

 

I tried to take her bicycle riding, but she complained the whole time. Half way into our ride, she stopped, go off her bicycle and sat down. I had to ride home alone, get my truck and go pick up her and the bike. When we got back to my house, she plopped down on the couch and right back on the smartphone.

 

Short of turning my home into a Faraday Cage, I don't know how to fix my situation, either. There are other issues and problems with our relationship and I think its heading towards a conclusion.

 

I know you are married, so its not exactly the same, but I do empathize with your feelings.

 

If you are able to come up with a fix, please share...

 

Next weekend, you should just tell her, Look, I'm not coming to get you if you don't get off your smartphone. This is your choice. Let me know what you decide.

 

This going back to get her and her bike, I mean, it kind of says it all. She's not even trying and is, in fact, resisting, and you are going to get her anyway. Really, I'd have left her right there and let her ride her bike home, and not to your house.

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Happy Lemming
Next weekend, you should just tell her, Look, I'm not coming to get you if you don't get off your smartphone. This is your choice. Let me know what you decide.

 

This going back to get her and her bike, I mean, it kind of says it all. She's not even trying and is, in fact, resisting, and you are going to get her anyway. Really, I'd have left her right there and let her ride her bike home, and not to your house.

 

Moreover, I was trying to get her some cardio exercise. Her doctor wants her to exercise everyday and lose weight. She has several health issues that would benefit from increased exercise, better diet and losing some weight.

 

Bike riding is a non-impact form of exercise and I was keeping a slow pace for her.

 

It seems her favorite activities revolve around "sitting" or "eating" (Movies or going out to dinner). I'm doing my best to introduce something fun and beneficial.

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