Feels Like a Game of Chicken

[MissCongeniality]

This is a little bit of a rant I've got a lot on my mind.

 

My husband has a drinking problem he's from what I understand doing better. I have not seen him in since his worst point. The gist of the situation is he snapped and slapped me and it was just once but I got the kids out and I last saw him at an intervention his mother planned. He is getting help but I haven't really been keeping posted on his situation.

 

I keep wanting to call him but I really don't know what my next move should be. I care for my husband I recognize we've both made mistakes its just and I know how I sound my husband is a good guy and but I just find myself wondering if I'm responsible because I kept secrets my past had negative effects for him and I've found myself wondering if I do this to the people I love if I drive them crazy if I made him this way.

 

I keep wondering if I should have spoken up earlier about his drinking to him. I keep asking myself all these questions. I even wonder if he was always like this and I'm just now seeing this side of him. I mean the man he is now is not my husband my husband is a kind sweet naive guy.

 

He's supposed to be the good one what I mean by that is he comes from a good family and I come from a not so good one and I hid parts of myself that I was ashamed of and I used to look up to him I used to think I was not good enough for him I used to think I had to spend my life making up for my lies and secrets and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do he was supposed to be my happy ending. I mean I've done things I'm ashamed of I've always worried I'd fall back into old habits without him.

 

I've never even said it out loud but I've always thought I'd be the one who would ruin things or go bad I always imagined myself falling off the wagon screwing my life up and I always pictured him being the one to get our kids through whatever tough time I'd cause. I before I met him my daughter and me would live in motels and now I'm older with three more kids and I'm back to square one living in a motel with them. I keep waiting for him to call me because I don't want to call him.

 

I don't know even know what to say there's a part of me that wants to be cruel to him that wants to be the B, I used to be. There was a time I could stomp on someone's heart I used to be able to manipulate people to get what I wanted I was the kind of person that could be cruel and now I'm just trying to figure out what the right thing is. I mean is it right to be cruel? Is that who I need to be right now? There was a time when I was the kind of woman who would do absolutely anything to destroy him and part of me wants to part of me wants to call just wreck his life completely just to make him pay for slapping me and the other part of me wants to forgive him.

 

I just keep telling my kids we're on a "vacation" and my teenager knows better but my second oldest my son is ten and he's asking questions he's very smart like his sister and like her he picks up on things.

 

I feel like I'm playing chicken and I hate it. Part of me doesn't want to see him but part of me at least wants to know how he's doing.

[road]

You should talk about this post with your husband.

 

You want your marriage then ask your husband if wants the same.

Then take the steps to make your marriage healthy.

AA and anger management for your husband.

IC for both.

Then MC.

Change your career. A pro dom is job that not many husbands can

handle their wife doing.

[Whoknew30]

I always said “no man will ever hit me & if that ever happened I’ll leave”...well after a hrs night of partying while we were young, my husband slapped me. I was absolutely shattered, my own father had never even hit me. I kicked him out & he had to prove his way back...which he did. The only reason I let Him back is bc I knew That wasn’t him & he had read screwed up but he had never put his hands on me before & now 15 years after that incident.

 

You have to forgive yourself for the person you once were. You’re one that has changed & learned how you don’t wan to be...some people can’t figure that out in a whole lifetime. Let that go & start from now. You can’t run from this & if he doesn’t change, them you can cross that bridge when it comes. Your husband is not better than you bc your pasts & the way you were raised is different. You shouldn’t nor you kids be on the run bc of his present mistake. Why should your kids not be in their home bc their dad messed up? You need to charge, if not for yourself, for your kids. Your past, guilt is something they shouldn’t have to pay for & you running, wether you realize or not, is making them have to pay.

 

You seem like you’ve conquered a lot in years life, you have the strength, you just need to realize for yourself for both your sake & your family’s...good luck to you as I know Addiction is issues & past issues are hard to deal with.

[MissCongeniality]

Okay just giving everyone a quick a update. I called my husband he agreed to move out so that the kids and me could move back in.