Jump to content

A little advice if you are considering a hall pass or more.


Recommended Posts

happyhusband0005

So let me start by saying my wife and I have explored the swinger lifestyle for many years now. The point of this thread is, I have read numerous post describing situations where a hall pass has gone wrong.

 

Well let me start with this. If the point of the hall pass is to fix something in the relationship it is a horrible idea in almost every case. Opening a relationship in anyway is not something to take lightly or go into without very careful consideration. If the primary relationship is not rock solid it's a recipe for disaster, it will amplify negatives. There can be zero insecurity.

 

I highly recommend seeking out and finding people with a lot of experience with this before doing anything. My wife and I got very lucky, very early on we met a cool couple who gave us a lot of advice about how to go about things and how to avoid the pitfalls. We don't really do anything with other couples for various reasons but have met a ton. Now we sometimes meet a couple somewhat new to the lifestyle and can tell within 5 minutes if they are in for trouble.

 

We took things very slow starting with going to strip clubs together, then we had a few FMF threesomes, then she had a one on one with a woman, then some more FMF then she had some one on one with a guy which come out of an in room massage and so on.

 

The point this is not for everyone and certainly not for most relationships. It is not something to do on a whim or go into without very open and honest communication. You need to both agree the second one partner is uncomfortable it's done no questions.

 

If you are considering even a one time hall pass give it an unreasonable amount of thought, research and discuss it over and over and over before taking the first step. Be on the same page as to why you are considering it and agree on boundaries.

 

If after all that you still feel you are ready, still proceed with caution and be prepared to fully debrief after the fact. Even if you first say we won't discuss it one person may suddenly go mad needing to know what happened. Thats why I recommend doing anything together to start.

 

Anyway just thought I would put this out there for what it's worth. If anyone is considering the lifestyle, good luck and have fun.

 

And if your a guy wanting to ask me how to talk your wife into a threesome.... ##$%off.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
If the primary relationship is not rock solid it's a recipe for disaster, it will amplify negatives.

 

I guess I'm boring and conventional enough to wonder why one needs open a "rock solid" relationship to other people?

 

Guess I see it two ways:

 

- Agree with you, hall pass in a bad relationship, bad idea.

 

- Hall pass in a good relationship - worse idea.

 

Marriage is about appreciating what you have...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
happyhusband0005

Very good question. For most it's not. For us we were each others only sexual partners when we married. Some years later we both began wondering what someone else would have been like. Also she had more and more bisexual feeling rising up so nothing I could do to satisfy that. We are both very sexual people and rather than have regrets later in life we decided to experience the variety together, and it has worked out well for us. Now mind you this is not something we do on a weekly or monthly basis. We might have these experiences that become sexual once or twice a year.

 

I did not write this post to in any way advocate for opening a relationship, in fact the intent is to caution against it. Through our experience we have seen it destroy people who were not doing it for the right reasons and with the correct intent or in a way that was adding to their relationship.

 

I will tell you this, understanding we are probably not the norm in this "lifestyle" (this is not an accurate description seeing it is not a regular part of our lives). If you asked all of our circle of friends what couple they know who has the bet relationship I guaranty they would say us. This is NOT because we do this. But it is how we have done this so successfully.

 

AGIAN THIS IS NOT MEANT TO ADVOCATE DOING THIS TO FIX A RELATIONSHIP. If your relationship needs fixing this is a way to put a all the nails in the coffin and then throw the dirt on top.

 

AND let me be candid about something incase readers are thinking this pervert is just manipulating the situation to get multiple women. When you have a bisexual wife and you have an experience with another bisexual women who typically dates men, the reality is your more of a corner man providing water and towels. I'll be honest and tell you I've been kicked in the face more than once. But I enjoy seeing my wife getting something I can't give her. Or in some cases knowing she getting something I cant provide seeing I dont have boobs or a vagina.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Not everyone has the same value on the sex act itself. Many view the act as nothing more then an activity for enjoyment, while others view it as something more special, something that you have to bond with ONE person.

 

Opening the relationship was something my wife and I discussed at great length at one point. I was her only partner and she was my second, the first being a horrific experience..

 

I know open relationships can work for some...but for most it won't.

 

My question and hang up in discussing with my wife is why risk it? The potential downfalls outweigh the potential enjoyment, in my opinion. The problem is one never knows if it's something you both can handle until you do it. If it doesn't work for you, by then the relationship may already be ruined.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a little confused by your relationship....she can have one on one with guys, but you can't with females?

 

I really don't care how much anyone will try to rationalize it....if you allow and encourage your spouse to have sex with other people, then you don't love them. You may think you do, but you have no clue what love is.

Edited by GoldenR
Link to post
Share on other sites

What ever floats your boat. I mean this - not being snarky.

 

Marriage and monogamy is a challenge for many.

 

Separating sex from emotion is also a challenge for many...or perhaps it used to be.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Folks, I'm surprised that Central has'nt joined this discussion. He, like Happy husband has been on the inside and still is and has probably more experience in the lifestyle than the latter. Happy husband said that he and his wife have been in the swinger lifestyle. That to me, indicates that both he and his wife have had other partners. Of course the examples he gave did suggest that it was his wife who was having all the fun while he was on the sidelines enjoying the view as a voyeur and an assistant.

 

Actually, those who enter the alternate lifestyles be it as swingers or the Hotwife ones have a very different mindset than the regular folk who populate this website. Their relationships are not tightly bound together as those of the people here. Also, their idea of morals is not liked to sex in the way that folks who generally populate this forum have. This is not to say that they are not upright in their lives in other departments as say, business or any other aspect. They just do not see sex as anything more than a physical act which does not impinge on their romantic relationship. However, I guess it is difficult for those who do not think like them to comprehend their mindset. The best is to keep an open mind and accept that we ate all a bit different while being generally the same. Have to go now. Warm wishes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
happyhusband0005
I'm a little confused by your relationship....she can have one on one with guys, but you can't with females?

 

I really don't care how much anyone will try to rationalize it....if you allow and encourage your spouse to have sex with other people, then you don't love them. You may think you do, but you have no clue what love is.

 

No I have been with a couple of women without my wife's involvement but more often than not when another women is involved my wife is also involved. We always do the one on one thing when the other is in the room or the next room.

 

I understand why you would say that about love by I can assure you we are very much in love, in fact if you ask our circle of friends of every couple they know who has the best relationship I can tell you they would say me and my wife. Now none of our friends no we swing on occasion and they would probably be shocked.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
happyhusband0005
Hi Folks, I'm surprised that Central has'nt joined this discussion. He, like Happy husband has been on the inside and still is and has probably more experience in the lifestyle than the latter. Happy husband said that he and his wife have been in the swinger lifestyle. That to me, indicates that both he and his wife have had other partners. Of course the examples he gave did suggest that it was his wife who was having all the fun while he was on the sidelines enjoying the view as a voyeur and an assistant.

 

Actually, those who enter the alternate lifestyles be it as swingers or the Hotwife ones have a very different mindset than the regular folk who populate this website. Their relationships are not tightly bound together as those of the people here. Also, their idea of morals is not liked to sex in the way that folks who generally populate this forum have. This is not to say that they are not upright in their lives in other departments as say, business or any other aspect. They just do not see sex as anything more than a physical act which does not impinge on their romantic relationship. However, I guess it is difficult for those who do not think like them to comprehend their mindset. The best is to keep an open mind and accept that we ate all a bit different while being generally the same. Have to go now. Warm wishes.

 

Like I said the purpose of my post is not to advocate what we do. It is to caution those who might be considering jumping into to something to fix something in a marriage. If you do this without fully considering the potential reactions/emotions before hand your asking for trouble.

 

 

I agree with most of what you have said except the assumption that our relationship is not as tightly bound. For us the experience only works because we are so tightly bound. It has helped us be extremely open and honest with each other so even when we argue about normal marriage issues we settle disagreements very effectively because our communication is at a very high level. But like you said our mind set is different than many when it comes to sex probably because, 1 We got together very young and 2 My wife is bisexual. We have met many couples we knew were doomed because their relationship was obviously not very tight or the desire to get involved was kind of one sided.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi Folks, I'm surprised that Central has'nt joined this discussion. He, like Happy husband has been on the inside and still is and has probably more experience in the lifestyle than the latter. Happy husband said that he and his wife have been in the swinger lifestyle. That to me, indicates that both he and his wife have had other partners. Of course the examples he gave did suggest that it was his wife who was having all the fun while he was on the sidelines enjoying the view as a voyeur and an assistant.

 

Actually, those who enter the alternate lifestyles be it as swingers or the Hotwife ones have a very different mindset than the regular folk who populate this website. Their relationships are not tightly bound together as those of the people here. Also, their idea of morals is not liked to sex in the way that folks who generally populate this forum have. This is not to say that they are not upright in their lives in other departments as say, business or any other aspect. They just do not see sex as anything more than a physical act which does not impinge on their romantic relationship. However, I guess it is difficult for those who do not think like them to comprehend their mindset. The best is to keep an open mind and accept that we ate all a bit different while being generally the same. Have to go now. Warm wishes.

 

How they are able to handle an open marriage?

 

There are probably many ways.

 

Though I have seen to many marriages fail from them opening up.

From marriages where there were no previous affairs or problems.

 

To me the risk is to great to take. Is the search for "porn star" sex

worth losing a spouse, breaking up a family, divorce? I have seen too

many men lose playing this game. More losers then winners.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
My question and hang up in discussing with my wife is why risk it? The potential downfalls outweigh the potential enjoyment, in my opinion. The problem is one never knows if it's something you both can handle until you do it. If it doesn't work for you, by then the relationship may already be ruined.

 

Exactly. Reminds me of the joke where a guy jumps off a 10-story building. On the way down, he passes a couple relaxing out on their 5th-floor balcony. "How's it going?" they ask him. His answer - "Fine so far..."

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am a little disappointed in... some of the narrow-mindedness I am seeing here.

 

And, of course, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

 

For me I think it just boils down to how you feel about sex and marriage/relationships.

 

Some people a just completely monogamous and I get that. Some people are just not, and I get that as well.

 

I also think that people that are sexually insecure in any way should never engage in the lifestyle.

 

I can go either way with all of this. My GF, however, cannot, and that is fine.

 

I am more dedicated to her than anything, and frankly our sex life is so astounding that I don't have a problem doing without the variety that I used to enjoy.

 

But I defiantly understand both sides. And not that I am never temped, even slightly. But I have been with enough, ok too many, woman that I know that what I have with her is the best of both worlds.

 

The love and emotion is there for all of our activities as well as sex. I also enjoy sex more with a woman that I love, and with her it is even more special.

 

And frankly, we have the hotness factor, which I think everyone should have in a committed relationship.

 

My only issue, and it is not really an issue... Is that she tells me how much she loves me all the time, but especially when we make love.

 

I do have insecurities which are, "Does she just love me because the sex is good?"

 

That is probably a little crazy on my part, but I am more than a sex toy.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider

I'm all for being open minded....But I just view marriage as a Trad 1 man, 1 woman thing. you can call it relationship or whatever, just in my view, it cheapens the whole thing...

 

OP even said, being "kicked in the face" during his Bi-wife in the heavy rutting...

 

Sounds about as cheap as it can get. Just not for me. Good that he is "happy" though. whatever...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry....but if you're not only giving yourself to your SO, then no, you're not as tightly bound as those of us that do have that special one on one sexual bond with our SOs. You may think you do, but I liken you too the WS that claims to still love their spouse all the while cheating on them.

 

To each their own...but I'll never understand how someone can look over at their wife and think, "Man, I can wait for her to get railed by another guy! That's gonna rock!".

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I know open relationships can work for some...but for most it won't.

There's actually a bunch of reasons for this, let's just say even for "swingers" it mostly does not work the way they often think. We know about hormone production and how it is influenced by sexual activities and how it is connected to pair bonding.

 

The people for whom this works, are usually the outliers rather than the norm. And while it's great for them, I always found it weird that they constantly try to convert others to their supposed enlightened ideals. What happened to leaving people to their own devices?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
happyhusband0005
I'm all for being open minded....But I just view marriage as a Trad 1 man, 1 woman thing. you can call it relationship or whatever, just in my view, it cheapens the whole thing...

 

OP even said, being "kicked in the face" during his Bi-wife in the heavy rutting...

 

Sounds about as cheap as it can get. Just not for me. Good that he is "happy" though. whatever...

 

This kind of the whole point of my OP. People who do not have the correct mentality should never consider doing anything involving an open relationship, or get involved in the lifestyle. We know many couples who have jump right in too fast and had major insecurity issues after the fact. We realize we are actually a very rare couple who has never had any issues with jealousy or insecurity.

 

We stopped looking to meet with couples after an experience where the guy had been pushing the idea for a while and she agreed to try it out. However once things got going and his was obviously enjoying herself he got noticeably uncomfortable. He started trying to force some things he had obviously been fantasizing about himself. He clearly thought it would go one way and was trying to push the situation to what he wanted to happen. Things got uncomfortable fast and my wife and I just stopped said this isn't working out put on our clothes and left. When we left his wife was angry with him for ruining it and he was upset that she wasn't focusing on directing the action towards him more. They wrote us some emails after and we just told them they really need to reconsider what their expectations and boundaries were. We learned to be very skeptical of newbies, even though we usually meet for drinks first and never did anything on a first meeting with a couple. In the end we have swing friends in couples but have never again tried "playing" with another couple.

 

Again the point is I read to often people saying well we're having issues so maybe if we each go out and have a fling it will fix things. No it won't it will make it worse.

 

Understand also for us we do not have what we would considered an open relationship. From time to time if the circumstances are right and we are in the mood for such things we might have a threesome or fool around in some way with other people. But it's an us thing for the most part.

 

We know couples who have regular playmates and regularly swing but for us its more once or twice a year thing. There is now one size fits all situation in this.

 

Most of the time it is just us enjoying each other. Our sex life together is fantastic we have sex 4-5 times a week and both try to spice things up when we can. Sometimes it's just a quickie.

 

We don't do it because anything is missing or we are having issues. It's usually hey while were in Vegas next month how about we go to that bar we met that girl that time. If we meet someone we are both interested in or whatever the situation may be we might go for it. She might chat with a woman online a bit and then meetup when she's in the area more often then not nothing happens because somethings off. I can't tell you how many times she was talking with a woman who seems to be looking for another woman for herself but when she gets closer to setting up a meeting suddenly "oh by the way my husband wants to watch if we go there" No Thanks!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
happyhusband0005
There's actually a bunch of reasons for this, let's just say even for "swingers" it mostly does not work the way they often think. We know about hormone production and how it is influenced by sexual activities and how it is connected to pair bonding.

 

The people for whom this works, are usually the outliers rather than the norm. And while it's great for them, I always found it weird that they constantly try to convert others to their supposed enlightened ideals. What happened to leaving people to their own devices?

 

Yep now your getting what the original point was. I am trying to dissuade people from thinking about this casually.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Golden, sadly there are guys who have thoughts just the way you wrote that down. If you were to pass them in the street or talk to them in the line at the check out counter in a store you wouldn't in your wildest dreams imagine them to be any different than your self. Yet these guys have those fetishes and they are just as real and alive as you. This is the reason I have learnt to adopt the principle of 'Live and let live'. I think one could explain it in the same way as one would the existence of gays and lesbians. Outwardly they are just like you and me but internally, in their mental make up, their sexual orientation is very different from us. Just because they are like that does not make them unfit to live in society and to enjoy the freedoms others do. What they do in their own homes is their business as long as they do not hurt others. I hope I made some sense. Best wishes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi Golden, sadly there are guys who have thoughts just the way you wrote that down. If you were to pass them in the street or talk to them in the line at the check out counter in a store you wouldn't in your wildest dreams imagine them to be any different than your self. Yet these guys have those fetishes and they are just as real and alive as you. This is the reason I have learnt to adopt the principle of 'Live and let live'. I think one could explain it in the same way as one would the existence of gays and lesbians. Outwardly they are just like you and me but internally, in their mental make up, their sexual orientation is very different from us. Just because they are like that does not make them unfit to live in society and to enjoy the freedoms others do. What they do in their own homes is their business as long as they do not hurt others. I hope I made some sense. Best wishes.

 

Boy...we went off on a wild tangent there, didn't we?

 

None of what you said has ANYTHING to do with one-on-one love. The gay/lesbian thing? Where did that come from? Unfit to live in our society and enjoy the same freedoms? Huh?

 

Nope....you made no sense.

 

Again....to each their own, just don't claim to love your spouse as much as a monogamous couple (straight or gay) loves each other. That's not love. That's a life partnership. Not the same thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
happyhusband0005
Sorry....but if you're not only giving yourself to your SO, then no, you're not as tightly bound as those of us that do have that special one on one sexual bond with our SOs. You may think you do, but I liken you too the WS that claims to still love their spouse all the while cheating on them.

 

To each their own...but I'll never understand how someone can look over at their wife and think, "Man, I can wait for her to get railed by another guy! That's gonna rock!".

 

I think the difference is we don't relate our love and partnership with sex. Sex is part of it yes, but the core of our relationship is that we are a team for life. When she's stressed out I take her stress to lessen the impact on her and vice versa, when she's overwhelmed I take over what ever is making her feel that way and vice versa. We make our relationship our number one priority after our kids. Always without exception. Nothing gets in the way not work not friends not extended family nothing. Because of the core of our relationship is so strong our sex life is great.

 

And yes she is bisexual so we decided that she shouldn't have to cast that very important part of her aside for her entire life. Maybe if she had recognized that early on and explored that way back in college or something maybe we never would have got involved in anything but for us that was the catalyst. And it was years of talking and thinking before we did anything about it.

 

If you met us would you have any idea we occasionally open things up? No never you would only noticed we really seem to love each other.

 

Let's put it this way we are the couple who friends come to for advice on their relationship, kind of the community marriage counselors. Have we ever said hey you guys should try swinging? No of course not.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
BettyDraper

I'm glad that the swinger lifestyle works for you and your wife, OP.

While swinging is not something I'm interested in, I don't understand the knee jerk pearl clutching which occurs whenever someone mentions alternative relationships.

 

I admit that I'm curious about your need to constantly mention swinging and your sexual conquests.

You post about such topics very often. Is it due to pride or is there another motivation?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
happyhusband0005

No it's not to brag or anything like that. I joined a couple of boards because I find it useful see what people have going on and how they got into bad situations or things people have done to constantly build on their relationship. On this board I notice a bunch of post referring to the hall pass and because I have experience in something like it and seen complete disasters come from taking these things lightly I thought I would chime in on these situations.

 

Some people seem to believe it can be done very casually without a lot of thought and the relationship won't be affected but that is rarely the case. I've never seen anyone with a trouble relationship be successful. A lot of people especially men seem to think they could handle it without issue.

 

So lets just say I have a very specific set of skills to speak about.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My question is why did you start this thread unsolicited? No one patted you on the head today perhaps?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
awesomeblondie

As BluesPower mentioned, it is so disappointing to see how closed minded and hateful people can be.

 

What some people fail to realize is that just because you can't understand or empathize with something, it doesn't mean that this something is wrong. Your opinion is just that, an opinion. It is not a fact. It is just your opinion.

 

HappyHusband0005, I think it's great that you shared your story. I think it's important for people to understand that open relationships can be healthy, and it does not mean that you love your partner any less. It's not for everyone, and it takes incredible trust and communication, but it can be done in a successful and healthy way.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...