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Sexless Marriage


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Hello everyone! I’m new here, but so glad I found you. I’m sure this has been discussed before, but here it is again..I’m in a pretty much sexless marriage. Just a quick background: I’m 40, my husband is 51. We’ve been together for almost five years. Up until about a year or so ago, we had an amazing sex life. I have never been more compatible with anyone.

 

I have always had an extremely high sex drive and it was nice to have someone who could keep up:) Anyway, my husband was misdiagnosed and went into kidney failure 12/2016. Since then, I have become his nurse doing his dialysis at home, his secretary and all other tasks needed. He still works and continues all other aspects of his life. Except me

 

He says he doesn’t have the energy or strength. Please, don’t get me wrong. I do have a heart and know that his being sick can take an emotional toll on him as well. But we go months and months without much more than a kiss. We’ve become roommates and caretaker. I hate it. A marriage needs some form of intimacy, even a touch. Am I right? What do I do?

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Oh geez. Usually this is a man writing this topic. I feel for you.. Is the prognosis for his recovery good? I mean does he need more time? If yes, suck it up, but if he is going to be like this forever or get worse, then there has got to some other things that the 2 of you can do besides pounding each other. Also, there is always solo activities...half the world relies on that.

 

IMHO, The biggest thing you have to look at is the in sickness and in health vow. It is what it is...if you can't trust and rely on your spouse, then who can you rely upon? Also, look at it from his point of view? Do you think he wants to be sick and not have sex.

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Thank you for replying! As for his prognosis, he’s on the donor list for a new kidney. Unless we find someone living who would donate, we could be waiting up to 8 years.

I’m his main caregiver, doing all aspects of his dialysis and meds. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m his wife and I want to be the one to take care of him. I guess my issue with the sex is that I don’t feel it’s all because of his illness. Like I said, he is able to engage in work and everything else he wants to do. As a woman, I start to take this personally and feel like it’s me. He seems to have zero interest in me. I’ve said to him before to just lay there, I’ll do it all! Or just touch me. I just crave that intimacy with him. I think it’s so important in a marriage. At this point it’s like we’re buddies.

Oh, and believe me, I’ve been taking care of myself a lot. Sometimes, though, only the real thing will do:(

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Have you told him how you are feeling?

 

Perhaps, with his illness he is just not feeling very sexy right now. Perhaps, he sees you in a different way now that you have assumed the role of caregiver. Perhaps the meds have decreased his sex drive. It could be so many things...

 

I would be unhappy too, particularly if everything else in his life is fine but the intimacy had been lost. Would he consider going to counselling with you?

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Hi Danielle, I think you and StillRambuntious could have a fruitful conversation on this topic. I have read on alternative lifestyle websites that dead battery husbands who are aware of their problem are usually considerate enough to give their wives the freedom to have their sexual needs met elsewhere. However there are problems here. One is that your own personal sense of ethics may not allow you to partake of such freedom. The second and possibly the more dangerous problem is that women are much more likely to bond with their lovers if they continuously see one man only. If you read the stories on the infidelity sub forum you will find that the WWs usually bond strongly with their lovers and their husbands become repugnant to them.

 

As others have suggested, the meds your husband is taking may have killed his libido. Also, at his age he may be suffering from some degree of ED. Dialysis can be a very debilitating procedure. I do not think your husband values you as a partner any less than before but his general debility may be at work here killing his sexual desires or at least severely limiting them. I agree that even if he is not able to perform sexually there are other ways in which he can engage with you to provide you relief and the much needed romantic and physical touch which you crave. You should speak to him about this maybe even in a marriage counselling session. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

Edited by Just a Guy
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It's importsnt to talk to him about how you are feeling. A sexless marriage is something I could not deal with. There are plenty of things he could be doing other than just penetration.

 

It's possible he lost his sex drive due to the meds but he shouldn't have lost the desire to make you happy/fulfilled.

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It's possible that this health crisis has affected your husband's sense of himself as a man more than you know. Most men have a hard time admitting those things. With you being his caregiver and all the changes he's had to adjust to he may just feel completely emasculated. It's possible he has a hard time feeling sexual with you now or maybe just in general. It's not about you of course, it's just the unfortunate result of the situation.

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Thank you so much everyone! You have no idea how good it feels to be able to “talk” about my situation.

 

I have brought the issue up as recent as today. I feel a sense of guilt about complaining, but I should be able to tell him. Of course he reacted exactly the way he always does; gets irritated and goes off topic. He likes to play the passive aggressive victim, the whole “I know, I’m so horrible. I’m so sorry I’m sick” game. I asked him to be honest with me, to tell me the whole reason things are like this. He said the only thing he can say is that it’s the furthest thing from his mind. For some reason, that killed me. I know what he means, but it still hurts.

 

Just a Guy, you had mentioned someone who could relate. I would love to talk to someone who gets it. As for the alternative lifestyle, I don’t think he would ever be ok with me being with another man, but I’m starting to have “that” feeling ..if you know what I mean. I crave intimacy and attention. I think we all do.

 

As for counseling, we’ve been there when all of this started. You see how that worked out!

I love my husband, but I feel like I’m becoming somewhat resentful towards him.

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Juneforever

I believe the only way might be counseling...and big hugs !! Going through similar situation.Mine is going on 2 years no sex

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Ouch. Sorry to hear about what is going on. You are very young and this sort of situation eventually does become unbearable to most people. Like the others said, get counseling. My extra piece of advice: do try to find a therapist that is open minded. I have a close friend whose husband also became essentially impotent due to medical reasons. He gave his wife a hall pass (he realized it was the only way to keep his family together and his wife happy). Long story short, they are still married and happy 15 yrs later. Of course, that sort of solution only works for certain couples. But it is one option is out there that some therapists simply refuse to endorse/consider.

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I feel for you. I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind. But I have also been the sick one. I was dx'd with type 1 diabetes when I was 23, which was scary and life-altering, but not as much as kidney failure. But I'd say it took me well over a year to gain a semblance of normalcy. It's hard for me to remember how it affected our sex life because, like he said, it was the farthest thing from my mind.

 

I think a year in is still early days. It sounds like you have a lot of love for him, so I don't think you should give up yet. I do think more counseling as a couple and individually for both of you would help. He needs to figure out how to at least be honest with you and communicate about it.

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Hi Danielle, I just thought that it may be possible for your husband to be able to get a donor kidney in a country like mine, India to be specific. You would have to research it on the internet and find out which hospitals here would be able to do it for you. Not only would you be able to get a donor kidney sooner but it would be much cheaper overall. In fact the overall cost of the transplant operation, your stay and travel would work out to less than just the cost of the transplant operation itself in the US. The so called Corporate hospitals here are top class and the doctors are all highly qualified. Some of them have trained in the US or other Western nations. Just a thought for you to explore. However, you should ask a doctor if simply getting a good kidney for your husband is likely to restore his libido before you embark on any such exercise. Warm wishes.

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happyhusband0005

Hi Danielle, I feel for you it must be very frustrating and confusing that he doesn't even have any intimate contact with you. I find it strange he won't even lie with you and touch you while you take care of yourself.

 

The idea of finding it somewhere else in this situation is not likely to end well unless he is fully on board and for the right reasons. Otherwise A. You will keep it secret but end up emotionally checking out of the relationship and life will be miserable or B. He will find out hate you and let everyone know you were cheating on your poor sickly husband and make everyone else hate you also.

 

I would say stick with counseling, try to be loving and patient in communicating your needs and try to find a way to help bring his libido back to life. If it continues and after a while he still shows no interest and trying to provide you with some form of physical intimacy you could try and have the talk about going open on the sex front. Maybe after you have done everything else and given it an unreasonable amount of time and effort, he will at least understand the suggestion and not explode. Or maybe he will look at the fact you have been caring and patient and expressed your needs for a very long time without reciprocation and agree to give it a shot out of caring and concern for your happiness.

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happyhusband0005

Sorry I forgot to get the why I suggested what I did. In order for the "Hall Pass" scenario to work he is going to have to feel very secure in your love for him, and not have the understandable fear that you will find some stud who will steal you away from him.

 

If it does come to that later I would suggest you go to a site like adultfriendfinder to try and find a guy who is in a similar situation who lives far enough away you or your husband won't worry you might be tempted to run off to the guy too often for comfort. IF it comes to that.

 

Take care.

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I love my husband, but I feel like I’m becoming somewhat resentful towards him.

 

Danielle, I know how you feel. I’m also in a sexless marriage. My wife and I only have had sex three times in the last three years. Married for 3 1/2 years. The first 6 months were fine but after that it went down hill due to depression. She takes antidepressants and has no sex drive. I understand what your going through believe me. It’s hell every day that goes by hoping that maybe today will be the day that you can make love to the one you love.

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I have thought about this hypothetically since I am not married right now. I decided I would allow my wife to have lovers if I could not be sexual with her. I know that would risk her becoming attached to someone else and leaving me. Hopefully not, but so be it.

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Hi Agonistes, if you're thinking like that from now itself when you are not even married then I would say 'Don't get married'! There would just be too much heartache involved for it to be worth it.

 

Hi Danielle, I had a question for you. Considering that you got married at 35 and the fact that you have a high libido, were you in any long term relationships before you married your present husband? Also, is your husband open to treatment for low testosterone? What about Viagra? Has he tried that before or is it a no no due to his current condition? Do hope you are able to resolve your issues earliest. Did you read StillRambunctious thread on this sub forum? I think it would help if you were to have a conversation with him. Warm wishes.

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Michelle ma Belle

I too was a woman trapped in a sexless marriage for far too long. You think one year is long, try 8!

 

I'm not sure what more to say that hasn't already been suggested or you've addressed that has resulted in very little support from your hubby.

 

All I can tell you, from my own personal experience, that love sometimes isn't enough.

 

Although I understand and appreciate the health issues that some partners are plagued with that very often impact their sex drives and their relationships, it's not a good enough excuse NOT to find ways to work around such obstacles.

 

Sex and especially intimacy is so much more than just PIV. And if you're a woman with a sex drive, that means you're willing and able to do most of the "heavy lifting" and brunt of the "work" ;)

 

He has to want it just as much as you do otherwise I fear you'll only grow more resentful. And resentment can be toxic. Trust me.

 

I would push for counselling. Even if it means you give him an ultimatum. He has to understand that he has a part to play in this and rolling over and playing dead as far as his relationship with you goes isn't going to be good enough long term.

 

Good luck.

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Danielle,

I am far from in a sexless marriage thanks to a wife who is willing to compromise. Her day as a school teacher has her so stressed out that by the time she gets home, grades papers, helps kids with homework and everything else sex as she puts it is the last thing on her mind. She is not malicious but these words sting. I know what she watches on tv to end her day and loosing that competition stings as well. Looking at your picture as well as Michelle's I don't get what your husband and her x are thinking. It's not just the appeal it's how well spoken you both are that acts as a multiplier to your appeal. Throw in the clear desire you have and Michelle used to have I'm at a loss. I don't know if these words help but it's not you. Something is wrong with your husband. As for testosterone my Dad has kidney disease and it's a no go. Hormone replacement and kidney disease do not go together. Wish you the best.

fin

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I wish I could hear his point of view. The whole situation must be very hard on him. I have been living in a sexless marriage too, but in my case the problem is entirely with ME. I'm the one who can't make love to my wife, even though I love her so much. And this is so painful for me, maybe even more painful for me than for her. I feel ashamed, frightened, powerless. I am seeing a therapist, it has been two years, but so far I have not been able to overcome my resistance. It is so hard, believe me.

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Hi Jhckrr, Danielle isn't only complaining about a sexless marriage. It is the overall package. She misses the intimacy of which sex of course is a major part but her husband has chosen to occupy himself with something else and ignoring her completely. She is only his nurse and carer providing for all his creature needs. He does not provide her with any kind of intimate contact such as cuddling or kissing or touching so that she feels completely cut off from him. If you too , are treating your wife similarly then for sure she would be sailing in the same boat.

 

Even if you cannot have sex with your wife you could please her orally or with a sex toy and be involved with her in other ways to keep her sexually and emotionally satisfied. I think that while PIV sex is important for women too what they need is an emotional stroking from their partner to make them feel loved and desired. If you can provide your wife with secondary sexual satisfaction and the necessary emotional stroking, she may forgive you for not providing her with mind blowing PIV sex. I may be wrong but there is no harm trying. Warm wishes.

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