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Fiancee's mom wants to move in


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hrjackson30

I just don’t get why my fiancee want her mom to live with us after our wedding. She and I have been staying in our apartment for about two years now. So far, we’ve established a good routine and chemistry inside the house. If we add in her mom to the mix, I’m afraid she might shake this balance. It kind of pieces me off how of all time my fiancee wants her to move in, she chose after the wedding. Isn’t that supposed to be our honeymoon period? How do I tell her that I don’t want her mom with us? At least not after our first year.

 

You see her family’s used to this kind of thing since they’re kind of a tight family. Her mom’s from Cebu who met her dad in some asian date tour. Her parents got married and lived here in Chicago since then. Two of her mom’s siblings migrated here too and lived with them for a while. Basically, living with extended family members is a walk in the park for her. But it’s not for me. I need help to survive this fiasco. Someone save me.

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Well.... first, this is something you two are going to have to get on the same page on - and come up with a long term plan before you consider getting married.

 

This is the kind of stuff that makes or breaks marriages. Sounds like she envisions, and is used to a life style you do not want - that is a fundamental incompatibility.

 

I know someone who went through something similar. After two years of marriage, her husband insisted that he move his mother from India to come live with them.

 

They were divorced within a year. Not something my friend wanted, or ever approved of. Should have been discussed with her before the marriage.

 

Where is the mother's husband? What is the plan for her as she ages? Where will she live when she is elderly?

 

My husband and I have talked with our (living - I have lost my mother, him his father) parents and siblings regarding long term plans.

 

Do not get married until this is settled.

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Happy Lemming

Personally, I'd put my foot down and say "NO"!! You don't need the mother there invading your "newlywed" period. This is not something you bargained for. If your fiancee' absolutely insisted on this "family or extended family" living arrangement, I'd break it off. It is too invasive, for my taste.

 

I don't know anything about the Filipino culture. Is this "family living" concept similar to the Hawaiian concept of "Ohana"??

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This is not uncommon for many cultures.

 

Multi-generational families sharing the household chores, expenses, and childcare responsibilities are the norm in many cultures.

 

Definitely, you must talk and come to a mutually agreeable decision before you get married. If you don't discuss the future, marry with the full knowledge that you will likely have her family living in your home for extended periods of time, especially when you have children.

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Have a voice. Tell her you're not at all in favor of it.

 

It's your house too. It's your marriage too...speak up.

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Happy Lemming

I know someone who went through something similar. After two years of marriage, her husband insisted that he move his mother from India to come live with them.

 

They were divorced within a year. Not something my friend wanted, or ever approved of. Should have been discussed with her before the marriage.

 

 

I'm wondering if your friends could have moved to a property with a detached guest house??

 

Do you think that might have worked??

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I'm wondering if your friends could have moved to a property with a detached guest house??

 

Do you think that might have worked??

 

Maybe if they had $2,500,000 laying around. This is the California Bay area - buying property with detached guest houses isn't an option unless you are quite wealthy.

 

But, he wanted to move even more of his family in. He came from a culture of multiple generations living together, and that is what he expected to have - only he never brought it up.

 

The OP is lucky in that this has become an issue before marriage. And it should be resolved before they get married.

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Happy Lemming
Maybe if they had $2,500,000 laying around. This is the California Bay area - buying property with detached guest houses isn't an option unless you are quite wealthy.

 

But, he wanted to move even more of his family in. He came from a culture of multiple generations living together, and that is what he expected to have - only he never brought it up.

 

The OP is lucky in that this has become an issue before marriage. And it should be resolved before they get married.

 

I forgot you were in California. WOW!!

 

I'm working on a home that has a guest house and second garage. It was NOT $2.5M, not even close.

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BettyDraper
Maybe if they had $2,500,000 laying around. This is the California Bay area - buying property with detached guest houses isn't an option unless you are quite wealthy.

 

But, he wanted to move even more of his family in. He came from a culture of multiple generations living together, and that is what he expected to have - only he never brought it up.

 

The OP is lucky in that this has become an issue before marriage. And it should be resolved before they get married.

 

Even in other areas, most people do not have properties which are expansive enough to include guest houses! :laugh: A basement apartment with a separate entrance is much more commonplace.

 

OP, this is an issue which can make or break your marriage. You need to be on the same page about how much interaction you will have with your respective families of origin.

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Don't even be polite about it or give her the idea maybe someday. Tell her, No Way I'm living with your mom --- ever!" It's a totally unreasonable request. She probably wants her there so they can tell you what to do together. It's not reasonable in the least so don't feel bad about saying No Way.

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hrjackson30
Well.... first, this is something you two are going to have to get on the same page on - and come up with a long term plan before you consider getting married.

 

This is the kind of stuff that makes or breaks marriages. Sounds like she envisions, and is used to a life style you do not want - that is a fundamental incompatibility.

 

I know someone who went through something similar. After two years of marriage, her husband insisted that he move his mother from India to come live with them.

 

They were divorced within a year. Not something my friend wanted, or ever approved of. Should have been discussed with her before the marriage.

 

Where is the mother's husband? What is the plan for her as she ages? Where will she live when she is elderly?

 

My husband and I have talked with our (living - I have lost my mother, him his father) parents and siblings regarding long term plans.

 

Do not get married until this is settled.

 

that's the thing, my fiancee's mother is a widow which makes things even more complicated if I say no. I'd feel so guilty if I'd decline her a place to stay. Im guessing it's because she's lonely or something. Nevertheless, I'd have to put my foot down on this and think of something together with my fiancce. Thanks so much for your advice!

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hrjackson30
Personally, I'd put my foot down and say "NO"!! You don't need the mother there invading your "newlywed" period. This is not something you bargained for. If your fiancee' absolutely insisted on this "family or extended family" living arrangement, I'd break it off. It is too invasive, for my taste.

 

I don't know anything about the Filipino culture. Is this "family living" concept similar to the Hawaiian concept of "Ohana"??

 

from the years I've been together with my fiancee, I'd say her family has a extremely strong bond. They talk all the time and are practically bestfriends. I get why she would have such an idea having her move in with us but still. I'd need to build up the courage to "put my foot down" and say no. Wish me luck :lmao:

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I disagree that it's unreasonable request.

 

Many cultures and nations do not abandon their elderly in institution like we so often do in the US.

 

Maybe not now, maybe not yet, but what is the plan for the folks once they get old? This is a real consideration families, including husbands and wives need to discuss.

 

My brother and his wife took in my mother (before her death), but I was the back up plan. My husband knew this and understood it's something we may need to do.

 

His sister - and her husband have agreed to take in his mother when the time comes. But if they can't, tag we are it - we will be taking her in (their father has passed away).

 

Other families live under the same roof before the the parents are too old to care for themselves - they often help with the grandkids etc.

 

I think it's a reasonable thing, if it is agreed upon. If it is something that is important to her, and her family, and the way she envisions her life, I think it's unreasonable to deny that.

 

Now... The question is, can there be a mutual agreement? Or did this couple discover that they have an incompatibility - one that means that they can't commit to be each other's partners in life?

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hrjackson30
Even in other areas, most people do not have properties which are expansive enough to include guest houses! :laugh: A basement apartment with a separate entrance is much more commonplace.

 

OP, this is an issue which can make or break your marriage. You need to be on the same page about how much interaction you will have with your respective families of origin.

 

 

You're right. I need to have a long discussion with my fiancee. I just really hope she sees where I'm coming from and understand how I feel about this. I also hope my conscience won't eat me up if I do get to decline my soon to be mother-in-law.

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hrjackson30
I disagree that it's unreasonable request.

 

Many cultures and nations do not abandon their elderly in institution like we so often do in the US.

 

Maybe not now, maybe not yet, but what is the plan for the folks once they get old? This is a real consideration families, including husbands and wives need to discuss.

 

My brother and his wife took in my mother (before her death), but I was the back up plan. My husband knew this and understood it's something we may need to do.

 

His sister - and her husband have agreed to take in his mother when the time comes. But if they can't, tag we are it - we will be taking her in (their father has passed away).

 

Other families live under the same roof before the the parents are too old to care for themselves - they often help with the grandkids etc.

 

I think it's a reasonable thing, if it is agreed upon. If it is something that is important to her, and her family, and the way she envisions her life, I think it's unreasonable to deny that.

 

Now... The question is, can there be a mutual agreement? Or did this couple discover that they have an incompatibility - one that means that they can't commit to be each other's partners in life?

 

I know that my financee and I are reasonable with eachother when it comes to disagreements. We've been through alot together and we won't just give up now all because of her mother moving in with us. We'll find a way around this. I was thinking of letting her mother stay with us for awhile as a visit and see how things go since I haven't personally experienced what it's like being so close to family (I had a troubled past.) Thank you for your advice though!

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that's the thing, my fiancee's mother is a widow which makes things even more complicated if I say no. I'd feel so guilty if I'd decline her a place to stay. Im guessing it's because she's lonely or something. Nevertheless, I'd have to put my foot down on this and think of something together with my fiancce. Thanks so much for your advice!

 

Between the two of you, you can supplement her income. Even taking a second job to finance her a place to live is better than LIVING with her. If she's broke, help her get food stamps and low income housing, encourage her to get a job, any job, and then maybe make up the deficit.

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Remember you are not married to her yet. You don't have to marry her if it starts looking like she's got this whole plan and won't back down.

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Happy Lemming
Remember you are not married to her yet. You don't have to marry her if it starts looking like she's got this whole plan and won't back down.

 

This is VERY true!!

 

I was a couple months away from getting married (in the early-mid 90's) and she broke it off, because I wouldn't sell a house I was working on (poor housing market at the time). I wasn't going to let her control what I did with an asset I acquired, prior to meeting her.

 

I healed fairly quickly and had a much better life staying single. She actually did me a favor!! I got a taste of what married life would have been like and I didn't like it one bit.

 

This would be a HUGE "deal breaker" for me!!

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One way of telling her that might be hard for her to criticize is if you told her, Look, Sounds like this is not a good time for you to be getting marrried. You and your mom get her sorted out with a place to live, live with her if you want to for awhile, and we'll wait until you have her all set up and established in her new place before we get married and us two live together. We're not in any hurry.

 

This sounds perfectly reasonable and yet it will certainly get the message across that this is her job, not yours.

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RecentChange
Between the two of you, you can supplement her income. Even taking a second job to finance her a place to live is better than LIVING with her. If she's broke, help her get food stamps and low income housing, encourage her to get a job, any job, and then maybe make up the deficit.

 

Curious.... For what ages do you think that this plan is appropriate? 60? 70? 80?

 

What about loneliness? Physical limitations etc? End of life?

 

If the girl and her mother are as close as the OP says, at minimum I think he can expect his mother in law to be over a lot.

 

Gosh, I know I owe it to my father, if the time comes, to take him in. I couldn't just send him checks and tell him to get food stamps.

 

He raised me, cared for me when I needed to be cared for, and some day I may need to return the favor. Care for him with compassion the way he cared for me.

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She's_NotInLove_w/Me

There is just so much I can say about this.

 

From my point of view, it would not be unreasonable - but that's my old school thinking. I know my wife would not let either of her parents live with us even if their life depended on it.

 

It really depends on you and how you feel. . . You need to communicate EXACTLY how you feel to your fiance - very clearly.

 

Regardless if others think it is reasonable or not, it's completely up to you to allow it or not. You are exactly half of the household once you are married. If you do not want another individual in your household, that's up to you.

 

I have a strong feeling that if you bend now, your MIL will be in your household for a long long time. Typically, that does have pros and cons - someone to help in many ways, and especially once there are kids in the picture, it helps immensely to have someone you can REALLY trust at your home to take care of them. But that is a totally different living arrangement than the typical american household.

 

You've got a lot of thinking to do. . .

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She's_NotInLove_w/Me
. . .

 

Gosh, I know I owe it to my father, if the time comes, to take him in. I couldn't just send him checks and tell him to get food stamps.

 

He raised me, cared for me when I needed to be cared for, and some day I may need to return the favor. Care for him with compassion the way he cared for me.

 

I totally agree with you, but this is not the way that modern american culture thinks of it. If it was, then long term care would not be a booming business. . .

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I am not sure if you are American or Filipino since you've mentioned "Cebu" as your place, but we're talking about culture here. Filipinos have a very family-centric culture and unless your wife grew up in the States since birth, she won't understand why you won't let her Mom lived you guys. This is a typical set-up in the Philippines but I understand why non-Filipinos reject the idea. Americans have a very independent upbringing (e.g. You let your infant/toddler babies have their own room vs. Filipino Parents won't let them sleep alone until they're 8-10 years old.)... okay I can go on and on about the difference but again this all boils down to culture.

 

Tread lightly but prepare that this might not work out for you.

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If she's Filipino, she will do it whether you want it or not and she will send your money to her family on a continual basis. My cousin is in that situation. She works but she won't contribute a penny to her own household and when he was in the hospital after losing his leg on a motorcycle, the insurance check came in and she sent that to the Phillipines to her family there. He needed that money, obviously.

 

So unless she's very Americanized or never lived over there so that her customs are not their norm, the only way out of this is not marrying her. It won't stop with her mother.

 

Nothing wrong with having different culture and customs, but this is one that does not mesh at all well with American customs from I can see. It's too costly and too invasive. The part I don't get is my cousin's wife was dirt poor and they were used to living on nothing, so I'm sure he thought that she'd be satisfied with just sending them $50 every now and then, but no, she send everything she can put her hands on to there and to SF, where most of them are coming over to. Can you imagine supporting someone living in SF?

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