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Fiancee's mom wants to move in


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Old 8th March 2018, 7:50 PM   #1
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Fiancee's mom wants to move in

I just don’t get why my fiancee want her mom to live with us after our wedding. She and I have been staying in our apartment for about two years now. So far, we’ve established a good routine and chemistry inside the house. If we add in her mom to the mix, I’m afraid she might shake this balance. It kind of pieces me off how of all time my fiancee wants her to move in, she chose after the wedding. Isn’t that supposed to be our honeymoon period? How do I tell her that I don’t want her mom with us? At least not after our first year.

You see her family’s used to this kind of thing since they’re kind of a tight family. Her mom’s from Cebu who met her dad in some asian date tour. Her parents got married and lived here in Chicago since then. Two of her mom’s siblings migrated here too and lived with them for a while. Basically, living with extended family members is a walk in the park for her. But it’s not for me. I need help to survive this fiasco. Someone save me.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:11 PM   #2
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Well.... first, this is something you two are going to have to get on the same page on - and come up with a long term plan before you consider getting married.

This is the kind of stuff that makes or breaks marriages. Sounds like she envisions, and is used to a life style you do not want - that is a fundamental incompatibility.

I know someone who went through something similar. After two years of marriage, her husband insisted that he move his mother from India to come live with them.

They were divorced within a year. Not something my friend wanted, or ever approved of. Should have been discussed with her before the marriage.

Where is the mother's husband? What is the plan for her as she ages? Where will she live when she is elderly?

My husband and I have talked with our (living - I have lost my mother, him his father) parents and siblings regarding long term plans.

Do not get married until this is settled.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:20 PM   #3
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Personally, I'd put my foot down and say "NO"!! You don't need the mother there invading your "newlywed" period. This is not something you bargained for. If your fiancee' absolutely insisted on this "family or extended family" living arrangement, I'd break it off. It is too invasive, for my taste.

I don't know anything about the Filipino culture. Is this "family living" concept similar to the Hawaiian concept of "Ohana"??
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:25 PM   #4
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This is not uncommon for many cultures.

Multi-generational families sharing the household chores, expenses, and childcare responsibilities are the norm in many cultures.

Definitely, you must talk and come to a mutually agreeable decision before you get married. If you don't discuss the future, marry with the full knowledge that you will likely have her family living in your home for extended periods of time, especially when you have children.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:27 PM   #5
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Have a voice. Tell her you're not at all in favor of it.

It's your house too. It's your marriage too...speak up.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:43 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
I know someone who went through something similar. After two years of marriage, her husband insisted that he move his mother from India to come live with them.

They were divorced within a year. Not something my friend wanted, or ever approved of. Should have been discussed with her before the marriage.
I'm wondering if your friends could have moved to a property with a detached guest house??

Do you think that might have worked??

Last edited by Happy Lemming; 8th March 2018 at 8:45 PM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:54 PM   #7
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I'm wondering if your friends could have moved to a property with a detached guest house??

Do you think that might have worked??
Maybe if they had $2,500,000 laying around. This is the California Bay area - buying property with detached guest houses isn't an option unless you are quite wealthy.

But, he wanted to move even more of his family in. He came from a culture of multiple generations living together, and that is what he expected to have - only he never brought it up.

The OP is lucky in that this has become an issue before marriage. And it should be resolved before they get married.
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:03 PM   #8
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Maybe if they had $2,500,000 laying around. This is the California Bay area - buying property with detached guest houses isn't an option unless you are quite wealthy.

But, he wanted to move even more of his family in. He came from a culture of multiple generations living together, and that is what he expected to have - only he never brought it up.

The OP is lucky in that this has become an issue before marriage. And it should be resolved before they get married.
I forgot you were in California. WOW!!

I'm working on a home that has a guest house and second garage. It was NOT $2.5M, not even close.
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:08 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
Maybe if they had $2,500,000 laying around. This is the California Bay area - buying property with detached guest houses isn't an option unless you are quite wealthy.

But, he wanted to move even more of his family in. He came from a culture of multiple generations living together, and that is what he expected to have - only he never brought it up.

The OP is lucky in that this has become an issue before marriage. And it should be resolved before they get married.
Even in other areas, most people do not have properties which are expansive enough to include guest houses! A basement apartment with a separate entrance is much more commonplace.

OP, this is an issue which can make or break your marriage. You need to be on the same page about how much interaction you will have with your respective families of origin.
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:12 PM   #10
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Don't even be polite about it or give her the idea maybe someday. Tell her, No Way I'm living with your mom --- ever!" It's a totally unreasonable request. She probably wants her there so they can tell you what to do together. It's not reasonable in the least so don't feel bad about saying No Way.
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:15 PM   #11
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I'll have to build up the courage and say no. Thanks!
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:17 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
Well.... first, this is something you two are going to have to get on the same page on - and come up with a long term plan before you consider getting married.

This is the kind of stuff that makes or breaks marriages. Sounds like she envisions, and is used to a life style you do not want - that is a fundamental incompatibility.

I know someone who went through something similar. After two years of marriage, her husband insisted that he move his mother from India to come live with them.

They were divorced within a year. Not something my friend wanted, or ever approved of. Should have been discussed with her before the marriage.

Where is the mother's husband? What is the plan for her as she ages? Where will she live when she is elderly?

My husband and I have talked with our (living - I have lost my mother, him his father) parents and siblings regarding long term plans.

Do not get married until this is settled.
that's the thing, my fiancee's mother is a widow which makes things even more complicated if I say no. I'd feel so guilty if I'd decline her a place to stay. Im guessing it's because she's lonely or something. Nevertheless, I'd have to put my foot down on this and think of something together with my fiancce. Thanks so much for your advice!
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:21 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
Personally, I'd put my foot down and say "NO"!! You don't need the mother there invading your "newlywed" period. This is not something you bargained for. If your fiancee' absolutely insisted on this "family or extended family" living arrangement, I'd break it off. It is too invasive, for my taste.

I don't know anything about the Filipino culture. Is this "family living" concept similar to the Hawaiian concept of "Ohana"??
from the years I've been together with my fiancee, I'd say her family has a extremely strong bond. They talk all the time and are practically bestfriends. I get why she would have such an idea having her move in with us but still. I'd need to build up the courage to "put my foot down" and say no. Wish me luck
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:23 PM   #14
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I disagree that it's unreasonable request.

Many cultures and nations do not abandon their elderly in institution like we so often do in the US.

Maybe not now, maybe not yet, but what is the plan for the folks once they get old? This is a real consideration families, including husbands and wives need to discuss.

My brother and his wife took in my mother (before her death), but I was the back up plan. My husband knew this and understood it's something we may need to do.

His sister - and her husband have agreed to take in his mother when the time comes. But if they can't, tag we are it - we will be taking her in (their father has passed away).

Other families live under the same roof before the the parents are too old to care for themselves - they often help with the grandkids etc.

I think it's a reasonable thing, if it is agreed upon. If it is something that is important to her, and her family, and the way she envisions her life, I think it's unreasonable to deny that.

Now... The question is, can there be a mutual agreement? Or did this couple discover that they have an incompatibility - one that means that they can't commit to be each other's partners in life?
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:23 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Even in other areas, most people do not have properties which are expansive enough to include guest houses! A basement apartment with a separate entrance is much more commonplace.

OP, this is an issue which can make or break your marriage. You need to be on the same page about how much interaction you will have with your respective families of origin.

You're right. I need to have a long discussion with my fiancee. I just really hope she sees where I'm coming from and understand how I feel about this. I also hope my conscience won't eat me up if I do get to decline my soon to be mother-in-law.
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