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How to deal with a sexless marriage?


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Old 5th March 2018, 10:06 PM   #1
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How to deal with a sexless marriage?

Me and my husband have been married since less than a year and we have been together since 5 years. 6 months ago we moved to a different country and he is having a hard time finding a job. It will probably take him another year to find one. Therefore, he has been super stressed and anxious, which has made our bedtime life very difficult. I would say we now have sex once a month (at the very best) and even when it happens it is too quick, no foreplay, and obviously not satisfying from my side. Of course, I have my problems too. I have a hard time to get turned on without any foreplay, sex is just a meaningless mechanical process for me. He has said in the past that because it takes me a long time to get turned on, he loses his interest or just gets tired.

I do understand that most of this is happening because of his anxiety but I do not know how to solve it. This has happened before in our relationship even when he had a job but he had some other (even small) problem that would stress him out. I am okay with being in this situation for another year and wait until things will look better for his job but I am really afraid that this is going to affect our relationship.

Although sex life has not been that great in the last two years, we do love each other and have a lot in common. I do not want to imagine my life without him. However, I do not know how to deal with the feeling of being unwanted and I am also not sure whether things will get better after he gets a job.

Any ideas? Thank you!
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:44 AM   #2
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You knew that stress affected his performance & you married anyway. Now you have to find a way to deal.

Do be as supportive as you can regarding his job search. Help him look Edit his resume. Give him pep talks.

Make sure you praise him & his masculinity. Be supportive & hopefully he will turn to you for comfort.
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:26 AM   #3
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Be supportive & hopefully he will turn to you for comfort.
Good advice. carine, have you tried changing things up a bit, adding some spice to this part of your relationship? Lots of things you can do with toys, lingerie, role playing, etc., to get his mind off his problems and back in the game. Sounds like you'll have to lead in this instance but the reward could be significant...

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Old 8th March 2018, 10:43 AM   #4
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I wasn't even talking about the sex. If his ego is so bruised, the lingerie may put undue pressure on him making him feel like he's unworthy or not man enough to satisfy such a beautiful woman. Start slower. Tell him he's sexy. Give him tasks to do around the house (without making a chore list) that will help him remember he can contribute. Example: honey can you open this jar for me?
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Old 8th March 2018, 4:34 PM   #5
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My lord Donnivain, you nailed it....

Give the guy some purpose. Even opening a stupid jar. Our egos are definitely built upon purpose and place or need.

Someone rightly wrote that these days.."Men have nothing to fight for."
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Old 14th March 2018, 12:32 PM   #6
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Hi Carbine, I don't get it. Why did you guys move to a new country without your husband having secured a job in advance? How are you all managing for money? Is this new country a place where both of you have been able to amalgamate harmoniously? Was your husband holding done a good job in the old country?

Yours is a difficult situation to comment on because of the big elephant in the room which is your husband has no job and is not likely yo land one in a hurry. What about you ate you working? Sorry for all the questions but a little clarity will help in formulating a better reply yo your question. Best wishes.
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Old 14th March 2018, 12:55 PM   #7
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I am confused as well. Why did you both move to a different country without him having a job, and why the estimate of a year to find one? Whose idea was the move?

I dunno, no easy answers to this one I'm afraid. I would strongly recommend doing whatever both of you can to speed up the job hunt though (unless he is waiting a year for visa purposes?).
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Old 14th March 2018, 2:01 PM   #8
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Hi Carbine, I don't get it. Why did you guys move to a new country without your husband having secured a job in advance? How are you all managing for money? Is this new country a place where both of you have been able to amalgamate harmoniously? Was your husband holding done a good job in the old country?

Yours is a difficult situation to comment on because of the big elephant in the room which is your husband has no job and is not likely yo land one in a hurry. What about you ate you working? Sorry for all the questions but a little clarity will help in formulating a better reply yo your question. Best wishes.
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Old 19th March 2018, 11:17 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by carine View Post
Therefore, he has been super stressed and anxious, which has made our bedtime life very difficult. I would say we now have sex once a month (at the very best) and even when it happens it is too quick, no foreplay, and obviously not satisfying from my side. Of course, I have my problems too. I have a hard time to get turned on without any foreplay, sex is just a meaningless mechanical process for me. He has said in the past that because it takes me a long time to get turned on, he loses his interest or just gets tired.
I am the total opposite of your husband. When I’m stressed, sex is what relaxes me. No offense, but he sounds like my wife. When she is stresses, she is not in the mood. Which all of the women I’ve ever been with have been like. Forplay is half the fun of sex. I feel for you, and I totally understand what your going through. I’m in a sexless marriage (last time July of 2017).

Your going to just have to be patient until he finds work I hate to say it.
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Old 19th March 2018, 3:13 PM   #10
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My ex husband was the same way. He went through several periods of unemployment which seriously affected his sense of his worth and value as a man. It's not something most of us women can easily relate to so we have to tread carefully.

d0nnivain is spot on. Be loving and affectionate but not overtly sexual because that can make things worse.

Finding employment needs to be the top priority right now, the situation is unlikely to get better without that. If things don't improve even after he regains employment then you'll have to decide your next step. But first things first. A one year timetable seems excessive though.
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