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10 year marriage issues.


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Old 5th March 2018, 6:35 AM   #1
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10 year marriage issues.

My wife and have been together for ten years. Married seven of those years. We have a young child together and weíre both pretty young ourselves. I recently made a decision to work on myself and improve as a husband. Meaning vocally telling her that I love her more or showing more affection than I may normally have. She tells me that she is feeling overwhelmed by my current change. So I have toned it down.

About two years ago we mutually agreed that if it were to happen that we were both okay with bringing a mutual friend in our relationship. It happened and things did happen. I thought we both had scratched the itch as far as ďopeningĒ the relationship. She has recently brought it to my attention that she is interested in opening our relationship. She has said that she feels that there is something missing she feels that sleeping with others may provide her. I have never felt like our sex has ever lacked anything. Things have felt a little rocky. I asked her why couldnít we discover the missing piece together. I have never felt like we missed a beat. She reaches orgasms multiple times and we always have a great time together.

I am having a hard time coming to terms with whether or not opening up the relationship is for me or us. I feel that we have so many other things we are needing to accomplish in our own relationship first. I feel that we need to seek some counseling as well.. Iím very much in love with her and donít have any interest in sleeping with anyone else.

Iím feeling incredibly lost and honestly have no one to turn to for advice.
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:42 AM   #2
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Hmm, we've seen this so often here. Now, you do realize there is a very good chance she is already deeply involved with someone else and is asking for permission after the fact.

It's never a good idea to enter into this kind of thing when both aren't on the same page and level playing field.

This should be a strong no. But I suggest you start paying attention, cuz experience says there is a fox in your henhouse.
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:47 AM   #3
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She says that it would be sex with no emotional attachment. She says she has that with me. (The emotional part) I honestly don’t feel like that is possible with sex. With her especially as she has always been a very emotional person.

I have asked her did she have people in mind or a person of interest already. She told me no. She said that she is turned on by the idea of me having sex with other women.

I honestly just want to get our own life together right now. I want to focus on each other before we even decide something like this. I asked her to explore things with me sexually with me to see if we can hit on what’s missing together. She seems on board with that but on the same hand that she felt like it was an interest that wasn’t going to go away.

Last edited by FeelingLost11; 5th March 2018 at 6:55 AM..
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Old 5th March 2018, 8:54 AM   #4
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If your relationship is already rocky, I can't see how opening your marriage is going to help... I would not do it.

I would make an appointment to see a marriage counsellor instead.
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Old 5th March 2018, 10:19 AM   #5
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I have tabled counseling to her as an option. I have denied thinking we would need it in the past; always assuming we could work through any issue. Now that I am willing to go the route of counseling; she obviously is curious as to why I have a change of heart about it. She does not know if she wants to try that just yet.

She told me that my change of behavior is overwhelming to her and that sometimes she feels like she needs space. The view is obviously different from behind her eyes and mine. The only thing I have honestly made a conscious decision to work on is what I stated above about sharing things more vocally and affectionately. I have also not let things upset me that otherwise may have in the past.

We had a talk today and we both have agreed to focus on working on all of our issues. Iím hoping that at some point we will be scheduling some form of counseling; as I strongly believe that it would be beneficial to the both of us and our ten year long relationship.
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Old 5th March 2018, 12:24 PM   #6
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Going open is generally a terrible idea unless both people are into it.

While there are happy swinger couples and happy poly couples and all that out there, one partner going "Hey I wanna do X" and dragging the other along is a recipe for disaster.

Especially since in many cases what's really going on under the hood is that one partner is starting to pull away, not really wanting to be in the marriage anymore, and the other partner desperately compromises their own values trying to keep them. Which, if it eventually leads to a breakup, makes you feel worse about yourself than if you'd just parted ways earlier on.

Don't become the person who does things you really don't want to do just to please a partner.
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Old 5th March 2018, 9:38 PM   #7
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So where would you like to start about everything...

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelingLost11 View Post
I have tabled counseling to her as an option. I have denied thinking we would need it in the past; always assuming we could work through any issue. Now that I am willing to go the route of counseling; she obviously is curious as to why I have a change of heart about it. She does not know if she wants to try that just yet.

She told me that my change of behavior is overwhelming to her and that sometimes she feels like she needs space. The view is obviously different from behind her eyes and mine. The only thing I have honestly made a conscious decision to work on is what I stated above about sharing things more vocally and affectionately. I have also not let things upset me that otherwise may have in the past.

We had a talk today and we both have agreed to focus on working on all of our issues. Iím hoping that at some point we will be scheduling some form of counseling; as I strongly believe that it would be beneficial to the both of us and our ten year long relationship.
So where would you like to start about everything...that you have done wrong so far?

Do you want to start with the fact that She talked you in to a little swinging?

Would you like to start with the fact the you were and probably will never be a strong enough man sexually and mentally to deal with that in the first place?

Or, let me guess, you guys started out with a little MFM threesome to start with?

Or should we start out with the fact the she is actively screwing, probably the guy that you had in the threesome, someone else and now she wants to "Open" the relationship just for meaning less sex?

Or would it be the red flag that she does not want to swing together, but she wants to swing alone so she can have at least one BF on the side?

Or would it be that after the swinging you got all clingy and overcompensated with out you having since enough to realize that she is not really sexually attracted and has not been for a while?

Or would it be that you are just kind of a weak man and you have not realized what is going on yet, and don't know that if you had any self respect you would find out who she is sleeping with and divorce her?

Why don't you tell me where I am wrong on all my suppositions?

Or why don't you take the time to lay out what has really gone on in your marriage so far, so that we might actually be able to give you some real advice.

And no, there is not way you are capable of being in an open relationship.

Fact is you really need to file for divorce because you really seem to be headed for disaster...
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Old 5th March 2018, 9:50 PM   #8
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Check your phone bill.


Good chance she's already started an open marriage.
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Old 6th March 2018, 2:03 PM   #9
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I am sorry you are going through this. I can tell you are totally committed to your wife and have no desire to open up that special relationship. I have a toll-free number you can call if you'd like to talk to someone who, I think, can at least give you some direction on where to go with this. PM me if you want me to pass it to you. In the meantime, keep fighting for your family, and don't ever give up or give in.
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Old 6th March 2018, 3:08 PM   #10
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^^huh?

Sorry, the WW is totally checked out. She may have some semblance of "grounding" in you being married to her, but it is out of convenience....

The simple statement that she wants her "space". Is word salad for, married friendzone. Sorry but it's true.

You have relegated yourself into a sub position in your marriage that she now finds dull. And she probably likes lots of sexual partners.. Hence the swingning. Your marriage is just collateral damage in her eyes. This is entirely about HER, not you or your relationship.

I would take a loooong hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what you truly want...
I think you will find that you are "in love" not with your current partner, but in the "idea" of a true and lasting life partner. Which, she AIN'T.

Get her out of the house and start with 180. You need to detach and get some strength back into your ego. Seriously.
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Old 6th March 2018, 3:20 PM   #11
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I'm sorry to inform you OP but there is a bad boy in the picture somewhere. That is why she wants you to nix all the lovey dovey stuff. It's turning her off.
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Old 19th March 2018, 9:06 PM   #12
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You say you are both young were you each others firsts?

When you brought someone else in what were both you feelings after? Was it a male or female?


My wife and I have been involved in opening our relationship in some way on and off for years. We met and began dating very young and stayed together until getting married 16 years ago so, it was the desire to have more variety in our experience and the fact she began noticing a stronger and stronger attraction to females until she just realized she was bisexual. Now we have been with women together and on our own and she has been with another guy, with me in the other room. But we have a VERY strong and secure relationship. And we have defined rules. We keep to simple rules, we really only do one night stands when on vacations. If she is going to be with a guy or I am going to be with another woman we have to be together or next room. But we know people in the lifestyle who are very happy to have full blown relationships and it works for them. That's just not what we've ever been interested in. You cannot live in the lifestyle without total and complete trust on open communication and respect. It is about enhancing your relationship not about one person getting laid.

Based on your apprehension It does not sound like you are in anyplace to do this now and have it end well. I'm quite certain it will end very badly.

Last edited by happyhusband0005; 19th March 2018 at 9:10 PM..
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Old 19th March 2018, 11:59 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelingLost11 View Post
She told me that my change of behavior is overwhelming to her and that sometimes she feels like she needs space.
You're being gaslighted my friend, look it up if unsure. If she can convince you that you're the problem, the obvious holes in her story go unnoticed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeelingLost11 View Post
I recently made a decision to work on myself and improve as a husband. Meaning vocally telling her that I love her more or showing more affection than I may normally have. She tells me that she is feeling overwhelmed by my current change. So I have toned it down.
No spouse who loves you and sees a future together would be unappreciative of the changes you've made. Proceed very cautiously, eyes wide open...

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Old 20th March 2018, 4:15 AM   #14
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feelinglost...sorry to hear about your situation. She has lost respect for you for who knows how may reasons...you let her have sex with someone else mainly....and women do not love men they do not respect.
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Old 20th March 2018, 7:29 AM   #15
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Hi Feelinglost, whose idea was it to have this threesome, yours, your wife's or did both of you come up with the idea together while discussing things in bed? If it was your wife's idea and she sold you on it then for her to be now asking for opening up the marriage is understandable. The thing is that the Pandora's box has been opened and once opened it cannot be closed again. The time to ensure it was closed was never to open it in the first place.

You and your wife need t9 sit down and have a heart to heart talk on this. If the desire within her is very strong and she is likely to act on it in a cheat scenario then the best thing to do is to tell her she is free to go ahead but not as your wife. Tell her you will divorce her and set her free and she can go on a ssx orgy if she wants to. Also you have to be very firm about your decision. Best wishes.
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