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Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 5th March 2018, 1:38 PM   #46
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Hello, I have Gone through what youíre going through now. I cheated & later found out my husband did too & weíve been together since kids.

Iím with you, I cant be controlled & if told not to do something will probably run to do it even faster. Iím not like the typical WW on on this board. I still go out with my friends, on vacations with them & feel that no one should pay for a mistake that was supposedly forgiven.

If you really arenít doing anything wrong, just sit down & have a heart to heart with your husband. Come to some agreement that you will no longer delete messages (I do this too by habit). Heís feeling insecure & no one has a clear head when feeling that way.

You make him feel a tad bit more secure...things will go back to normal. Good luck!
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Old 5th March 2018, 1:41 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post

If your marriage and keeping your family together is important to you
I hope Iím wrong, but I donít get the sense that this is the priority here. I think most people in her shoes would be asking what they can do to fix things. In this case, itís all about what is wrong with him. Maybe Iím reading it wrong, but the absolute lack of understanding, or empathy for his feelings is troubling. I think itís pretty close to the time youíre going to have to decide between your social life and your marriage/family. You make think thatís unfair, but the reality of the situation is thatís where you are, and at the very least, a portion of it is your own doing. If you arenít willing to accept some responsibility for that, Iím afraid I donít see this ending well. For your childrenís sake, I really hope Iím wrong.
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Old 5th March 2018, 1:54 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by Mrin View Post
Dude here. I'll give you my unvarnished opinion - though you might not like it.

1) You have a complete lack of respect for your husband. Almost a disrespect.
2)You cheated on him during your engagement.
3) You seem to prioritize "forgetting to tell when you are going out and where" on your girls nights out over your husband and children's requests. You forget? Christ lady, just write yourself a note to remember.
4) You react to your husband's voiced concerned about the closeness you have with your ex-boss and the lunches with essentially, "that's nice, let me know how that works out for you."
5) You have some sort of ongoing and frequent text chat with said ex-boss where you delete the messages because.... wait for it.... wait for it... habit?! And your husband notices and you think it is strange that he comments on his wife doing this?!
6) If I am reading your OP correctly, it almost sounds like you would choose your ex-boss over your husband. And I think your husband knows it.

Your husband is getting ready to leave you. Or have an affair and then leave you. And I don't blame him. I would too.

Mrin
This. The OP lacks respect for her husband and the marriage.
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Old 5th March 2018, 1:58 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well.

Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs?
So because you lack the ability to be responsible and considerate, you feel that it's appropriate to behave like a rebellious teenager?

You are a married mother. It's time to be mature and consider the effects of your actions on your husband.
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Old 5th March 2018, 2:00 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
On a side note, I texted him this morning asking how he's doing and no reply. Last night, I asked him via text if he wanted to talk....no reply. The only time I got any real communication from him is when I asked about the plans for the kids this week. No idea what's going on here.
You husband is getting ready to leave the marriage. You're keeping score. You're focusing on the trees. The damn forest is on fire. I know you see your texts of "wanna chat?" and "how you doing?" as outreach. It isn't. If you want to save your marriage you call or confront your husband and say you want to sit down and have a real conversation. Just tell him.

As for what you say to him I've already given my opinion. But just want to reassert that if you try to explain any of these things you will just sabotage yourself. He may ask you to explain and that okay. But for God's sake stop trying to justify or defend yourself. I want you to recognize that the absence of justifying yourself is NOT an admission of wrongdoing. You are just choosing not to focus on that and rather focus on what matters - respecting him and his feelings.

I have to tell you OP - based on the attitudes expressed in your posts I don't have any real optimism that you will be able to pull this off. You have zero empathy or acceptance of responsibility for your actions. Nor do you show any real skin in the game to try to save your marriage.

Alternatively, you can just sit down with him and discuss the particulars and timeline for your impending divorce.
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Old 5th March 2018, 2:23 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
So as a woman, do you see a problem having lunch with a member of the opposite sex? How about if you're husband said it made him uncomfortable but didn't tell you to stop...but you kept doing it regardless? What do you mean about the struggle he's experiencing?

I don't understand his actions lately and he's certainly not telling me. Given that he hasn't gone out for months I haven't said much but the places he's going and his actions are making me grow suspicious of him.
Coming from a male, married 35 years successfully, not always blissfully but faithful on both sides there are several things that occur to me:

1. Infedility, the gift that will give forever to some extent.
2. Why should a husband have to tell you not to do something that you've been told makes him uncomfortable....don't you get it, he wants you to set boundaries that are friendly to the M, not make him the bad guy and mandate to you what you can and can't do. This speaks volumes to him and to me where you value your priorities...you're putting the relationship with your ex-boss ahead of the comfort of your husband, which by the way, you created by cheating on him in the past. It is the job of each spouse to make each other feel safe in the relationship.
3 You have established your trustworthiness by cheating. Yes, he may have forgiven you but I don't believe that anyone can go on like it never happened.
4. Really, forgetting to inform your husband and children of your whereabouts and ETA to return....I would call BS on that.
5. Finally, I see his actions as having given up trying to discuss this with you and attempting to let you know how you are making him feel. Plus the sleeping and bathing arrangements say it all.....he is losing his connection with you and doesn't want to be close to you....if you don't change course, you'll be free to pursue any relationship with someone else however you'll be limited to the days that he has the kids....please rethink your entitled approach.
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Old 5th March 2018, 2:35 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well.
Frankly speaking, you're a hypocrite a tremendous one. You say you don't handle "controlling" well, yet others summed up why the leeway and freedoms you take for yourself would be far reaching in most normal relationships but give more than enough reason for his behaviour giving the past you two have.

You are so willing to indulge yourself, to engage in a whole host of rather questionable actions all of whom draw an extremely unfavourable picture of you as a person. You are at no point willing to compromise or put in the leg work one would expect from a past cheater.

Yet here you are doubting your husband. Being untrusting of him and his motives. Wanting to hire a goddamn private investigator to chase after him and dig up dirt. Wanting to control and dominate him. Even as what he does isn't a fraction of what you're up to. But hey, the friends who go out guy chasing and who likely were around when you had your affair said this is reasonable.

People have pointed this out to you several times over and your only reaction is to make up excuses, justify your own behaviour or ignore it and then try to shift blame and bring up minor issues with other people (your husband) to be upset about.
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Old 5th March 2018, 2:40 PM   #53
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He was definitely NOT being controlling - but you lacked the ability to set a boundary, a standard and then started being controlling to him when he started to go out himself.

It's a double standard by which you've set no boundary that states what decency looks like within the marriage.
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:06 PM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post

Because it feels controlling. It feels like since he doesn't have much of a social life I'm expected not to have one also. I also thought that the prior cheating issue was fully resolved. Am I expected for him to hang onto that for the rest of our lives?
Controlling is what WW's always say when their BH pulls in the
reins because they can not be free to run amok.

You confuse you having a social life alone is to take precedence
of you and your BH having a social life together.

You cheated on him while you were engaged.

You do not consider yourself lucky that her forgave you and
he married you after you cheated on him.

You confuse your BH forgiving you means that he must
forget your cheating on him. BH's can forgive though they will
never forget.

You will not admit that your behavior raises all kinds of warnings
that you are acting as a wife cheating on her BH.

Do you realize that as a WW, that if you make it to your 50th
anniversary your BH will always trigger an worry that is she
stepping out on me again?

Do you realize that as a WW that it will be your job to make
your BH feel secure in his marriage. That means way more effort
compared to a wife that never cheated on her BH?
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:15 PM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whoknew30 View Post
Hello, I have Gone through what youíre going through now. I cheated & later found out my husband did too & weíve been together since kids.

Iím with you, I cant be controlled & if told not to do something will probably run to do it even faster. Iím not like the typical WW on on this board. I still go out with my friends, on vacations with them & feel that no one should pay for a mistake that was supposedly forgiven.

If you really arenít doing anything wrong, just sit down & have a heart to heart with your husband. Come to some agreement that you will no longer delete messages (I do this too by habit). Heís feeling insecure & no one has a clear head when feeling that way.

You make him feel a tad bit more secure...things will go back to normal. Good luck!
Back too normal as in the OP being able to come and go as she
pleases?

Not after 10 years of disrespectful towards her BH after her
forgave her for her cheating on him.

That train has left the station, went around the bend, and as
the train crossed the gorge it crashed 500' to the bottom
because the WW blew the trestle along time ago.
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:19 PM   #56
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
I do love him, but feel its still controlling - that's just my feelings, my reality. In my past, I've had various folks be ultra controlling and I don't handle that well.

Why won't he simply reply to my texts, how can I engage with him if he won't communicate? Is it best I just back down and give him all the space he needs?
Why?

He repeatedly communicated how he felt that your behavior as a
wife was inappropriate and hurt him. You told him, essentially,
to suck it and you keep doing what you wanted.

What is there more for your BH to say now?
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:32 PM   #57
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Do you work OP?
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:49 PM   #58
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Happy hour. She works
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:51 PM   #59
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post
Do you work OP?
Yes, I work full time - usually much more than the 40 hours as does my husband. Why?

I cannot get him to text me at all - I really want to talk to him before his trip and I get the sneaking suspicion he will be already out of the house tomorrow before I get up. I think he's trying to avoid me entirely.

My father is who lives a few hours away is driving in tonight and I hope they can discuss things and if not, he can at least help guide me. I've tried not to air anything to my father but he can tell something is going on. I haven't told my husband as I'm not sure how this will work...he's occupying the guest room currently and I'd like my father to stay over. Maybe my husband will move back to the marital bed - I don't know. If not, I'm obviously not going to kick him out of the guest room.

He knows that I'm close to my dad (my mother was not involved much in my life) so i don't think it would surprise him too much that he's here.
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:55 PM   #60
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I donít see your father showing up to intervene helping. My guess is it will make it even worse.
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