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Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 4th March 2018, 4:14 PM   #16
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A woman's viewpoint here - I feel sorry for your husband, you're giving him plenty of reasons to distrust you. Read all the responses and take them to heart.

Regardless of how important you feel your relationship is with your former boss for career purposes, you need to stop the lunches and any one-on-one alone time with him. Your husband has made it clear what a problem it is for him. He shouldn't have to ask you to stop.

Your husband forgave you for cheating years ago, that doesn't mean he forgot it - and he shouldn't. Given that experience you are waving all kinds of red flags at him right now.

If you read my first thread entry on LS you'll see I'm not some ultra conservative goody two shoes. You need to take a hard look at your situation or you may lose your husband.
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Old 4th March 2018, 5:07 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
Hubby and I have been married 7 years, during the engagement I cheated on him. In time, he forgave and we moved forward.
I'd be curious to know the process you went through both individually and as a couple to earn and deserve his forgiveness.

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Old 4th March 2018, 6:59 PM   #18
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Married women do not need to go to the weekly meat market,
aka bars for happy hours.

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You only
deleting your male friends messages makes you look to be
hiding something. Messages can be recovered. You do not
make the effort to recover them.

You make time to meet for lunch with other men but you
can not meet for lunch with your BH.

You expect that because your BH forgave your cheating on him
means his to forget that you cheated on him. Not happening.

You did nothing to repair the broken trust.

Not only do you not tell your BH you are going to hang out at a bar.
You do not consider his feelings, and do not even ask him if it is
ok for you to hang out at a bar. You just go.

Sad that you think that you can keep secrets from your BH as being
ok.

Your behavior would make any husband that never had a WW before
think that you are cheating on him.
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Old 4th March 2018, 7:03 PM   #19
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Your husband is getting into shape, going out to bars alone, giving you the cold shoulder. He's preparing to cheat and/or leave you because he assumes you're cheating on him. Again.

Telling someone when you're going out and when you'll be back is basic decency. Especially when you have shared responsibilities like children.

Regardless of whether you're cheating, you appear to be cheating--late nights out with no indication of when/where you'll be, deleting messages, past experience. Your husband is responding accordingly.
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Old 4th March 2018, 9:41 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by healing light View Post
Your husband is getting into shape, going out to bars alone, giving you the cold shoulder. He's preparing to cheat and/or leave you because he assumes you're cheating on him. Again.

Telling someone when you're going out and when you'll be back is basic decency. Especially when you have shared responsibilities like children.

Regardless of whether you're cheating, you appear to be cheating--late nights out with no indication of when/where you'll be, deleting messages, past experience. Your husband is responding accordingly.
Well it may appear so but it's not happening. I think deep down I knew he'd go nuts about it so that's why I deleted the texts but they were professional. Never occurred to me that notifications would be going to my laptop.

So another day down, no real communication. He did tell me that he's going out of state for a few days here on Wednesday but felt no need to tell me where or why. I asked for specifics and all he said was he's taking time for himself.

I asked him if we could talk more about the conversation from last week and he said very calmly and sternly - we're done talking about the past, we're not going there. Zero emotion and he's oddly calm about all this.

My girl friends are thinking I should hire a PI since he's completely shut down conversation and this surprise trip sounds very suspicious.
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Old 4th March 2018, 10:07 PM   #21
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I would suggest that you hire a marriage counsellor... to try to open some communication if you hope to save your marriage.

Not that it may help. It sounds like he is done with this marriage.

Last edited by BaileyB; 4th March 2018 at 10:18 PM..
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Old 4th March 2018, 11:05 PM   #22
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Do you want to save your marriage? Then you need to listen to the other posters and stop seeing this as a competition. You're both keeping score at this point, and making it about winning, which means you're both going to lose. You do need a marriage counselor and not a PI.

It shouldn't matter if you don't think it's fair that he's shutting down, going out alone, and now taking time to himself without sharing any details with you -- fair or unfair won't stop it from happening. He needs you to reach out, tell him what's going on in your life, tell him that you love him and want to find a way to reconnect because you two clearly stopped communicating some time ago. He thinks you are inconsiderate of him which means he reads your actions as you no longer caring -- and he's hurt and trying to give you a dose of your own medicine. Maybe for revenge, maybe in hopes it will make you understand how it feels to be on his side of things, again, that's not what matters right now.

To save this, all that matters is you find a way to express your love and respect to him in a way HE will hear (cheesy as it is, what's his love language? that might be important in communicating right now), and then you go to counseling to work on the communication gap and all the pent up resentment that is clearly there on his side and it sounds like exists on your side as well. Drop your pride here, because you will lose your marriage over it. Good luck.
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Old 5th March 2018, 2:01 AM   #23
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A Mans POV

Your husband went silent. He beat you to the PI. He has something on you. This marriage is over.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 5th March 2018 at 2:08 AM..
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Old 5th March 2018, 2:55 AM   #24
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Tell the truth here - are you one of those wives who takes the phone into the bathroom to text? So here is your husband, seeing the notification on the laptop going off, notifying him you are texting your old boss while you are in the loo dumping a deuce... and you delete the text before you leave. If I were your husband, I would have a mistress by now. Now he is going on a trip without you ... I can save you the money hiring a PI. He is coming to terms with his rapidly approaching single hood. Once he became convinced you were banging your boss-buddy, the separation process was already 90% done. The last 10% is just the legal stuff... in my opinion, it is already too late to save the patient.
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Old 5th March 2018, 3:39 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
Well it may appear so but it's not happening. I think deep down I knew he'd go nuts about it so that's why I deleted the texts but they were professional. Never occurred to me that notifications would be going to my laptop.

So another day down, no real communication. He did tell me that he's going out of state for a few days here on Wednesday but felt no need to tell me where or why. I asked for specifics and all he said was he's taking time for himself.

I asked him if we could talk more about the conversation from last week and he said very calmly and sternly - we're done talking about the past, we're not going there. Zero emotion and he's oddly calm about all this.

My girl friends are thinking I should hire a PI since he's completely shut down conversation and this surprise trip sounds very suspicious.
Are these the same girlfriends that you go out drinking with?

Don't you think enough trouble has come your way by being influenced by these women?

Own your behavior. Admit to him that you e given the old boss too much of YOUR time and attention. Stop hiding the communication. Stop going out without your husband.

Make the time to see him on your lunch hour! Make your HUSBAND a priority!

And I'm sure you could recover ALL those texts if you try... you could get them from your phone provider.

OFFER info to you husband if you're really that innocent.

You say you're not cheating but it sure looks like you are.

It's completely disrespectful to leave your house and not let your family members know who you're with/where you'll be/and whento expect you home!

If you plan to act single then maybe you'll find yourself single.

You've been rude and disrespectful. Sit your H down and apologize! Then tell him exactly how you plan to change your behavior so that HE has some peace of mind.

You haven't been a kind, loving and caring wife/mother - if you want the family together you better learn to apologize and change the way you live.


Ps - the marriage ended when you started prioritizing the old boss over your husband and he's sick of it. If you plan to be married then act married. Loose the girls nights out!

Last edited by S2B; 5th March 2018 at 3:41 AM..
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Old 5th March 2018, 3:43 AM   #26
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And he likely has nothing to say to you because he has evidence that you've been lying to him.
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Old 5th March 2018, 10:35 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
so you believe something that happened over 7 years ago and something he forgave me for is not intruding on the present? And people say women are vindictive....
It's not being vindictive, it's just reality. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.

It could be he is having a revenge affair. Many spouses withdraw and checkout during an affair. I know mine did.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:22 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post

Ps - the marriage ended when you started prioritizing the old boss over your husband and he's sick of it. If you plan to be married then act married. Loose the girls nights out!
Lose the girl's night out? Isn't it fairly common for girls to get together for a night out without their spouses? All my married friends do - of course, some of the girls who go are not in relationships.

I know the girls night out has been an issue for my husband in the past - he didn't understand why I went to clubs with the girls and I explained some of the girls are not in relationships and they wanted to go there. He was adamant that married women are free to have girls nights out but typically those would be at a female friends house drinking box wine and watching a movie or going to the movies or getting mani/pedis or something...not clubs or bars. Any married women agree/disagree? Yet guys apparently get a pass to go to the bar or hooters to watch the game...my husband always turns that down though.

Today wasn't a good day, I got up to start the day and found out my husband apparently showered and left before I even got up. No word, no notes, no nothing. I did notice his wedding band was sitting near the TV - I don't think he placed it there for me to see since clothes were on top of it but still. I don't get what he's up to.

You may not believe me but I didn't cheat on him again - he may be convinced of it but he's wrong. Obviously, I have no way to prove it.

Last edited by steph1980nyc; 5th March 2018 at 11:27 AM..
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:28 AM   #29
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Well, based on the background you gave, I think you’re cheating, so it makes sense that your husband feels the same way.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:38 AM   #30
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When showing history of texts and girls night out becomes more important than a husbands feelings - it's obvious you don't care that much for your husband/marriage!

Instead of explaining how you made effort to get your text history from your phone provider - you spent all that energy e planning why you need to do
girls night out.

You'll get girls nights out every night if you want them - your H knows you're cheating and all you can do is justify bad behavior.

Be ready... he's sick of your sneaky behavior.

You don't act married - you act single.
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