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Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange


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Old 10th March 2018, 8:56 AM   #181
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You asked him if there was anything you could do and he asked you to come to a therapy session on Monday. Hereís my take on that; if you donít go, there is no recovery. He will see that you put work before him, your marriage and family and will never forgive. Itís the proverbial straw on the camelís back. If you do go, I am not sure it will do much, honestly. It may leave the door to reconciliation open a crack, but it may take more work and personal transformation than either of you are willing to put in to save your marriage. Plus, even with you showing up once, it may be too little, too late.

The easy way to think about it? Donít go and there is 0% chance you can save your marriage. Go, and you may have a 5-10% chance. Your call. You own what you choose to do and any outcome from it.
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Old 10th March 2018, 9:05 AM   #182
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I don't want to prolong the topic but thought I'd share - my father went out and claims he saw him at a local bar (population is fairly small where I am) and apparently he's talking (flirting?) to other women. So I'm guessing he left here and went directly to the bar (and been there for hours!). Absolutely disgusted. He is still married, ring on finger or not. I obviously told my dad to just leave and not say a word - he assured me he did.

This is not his personality, I don't recognize this man now. It just seems he's not the same person I met years ago. I've never seen him like this before - his entire personality is different, around here he seems angry - I thought he was miserable outside of the home and it's a bit of a slap in the face.

We haven't been intimate in over 3 months - we usually were at least once every 2 or 3 months. I'm now concerned he's been up to other activities recently.

I've set my dad up in a hotel and he'll be there tomorrow going forward for a few days.

I haven't texted my husband at all and haven't heard from him either. But this crap is festering in my head.

What I did clearly was wrong, I don't deny it - I should have communicated it better but what he's doing is also not right. I'm not turning this on him - but two wrongs don't make it right.

I'm going to use my EAP program at work and seek counseling, all this crap has my anxiety through the roof.

Thanks everyone for their input/comments - even the mean ones.
I don't condone this action from a married man going to bar and flirting etc..

Having said that if you go a few pages back by your own admission you said he is insecure may be if he has a social life and goes out etc..he would not be at your back for you going out or mingling with exboss one on one

What do you think really happens when a man goes to a bar alone or with a group ? The same that happens to women !

One is at a giving end of attention and one is at receiving end of attention and then it's reciprocated .

Did you not say and I quote I have a few laughs and enjoy the attention I get .and you thought nothing wrong of it

Is he now not doing the exact same giving attention and getting it in return enjoying the few laughs and time so why the hypocrisy

Why was it not wrong when you were doing it but it feels wrong to you when he is doing it ?

Now add this to it try telling him his actions gives you anxiety. Try telling him you are not comfortable with it and see how it feels when he dismisses your feelings as exaggerating and then goes and does it again and again and again and then see what kind of resentment that builds in you

I don't want to berate you or sound rude but this is not only about you .you are not trying to save a marriage because if it's down to that both of you are adults both of you will survive and be okay and move on to other people ..you are saving your family fight to save that only if you want .otherwise let him go and you can raise your children together
Living separately .
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Old 10th March 2018, 9:15 AM   #183
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Steph, I don't know if this is advice you want to hear, but I'd take today and tomorrow to decide whether you really want to save your marriage.

Because if you thought your husband was already too controlling, trying further will only make you two more miserable. To make it work, he needs to be able to trust you, to be able to trust you there will need to be more control.

Judging from your posts, you wouldn't be able to handle that, and you would just sneak around the control, making him more suspicious.

I don't think married life is for you. I don't mean that in a negative way, marriage is also not for me. Sometimes we've got to be honest to ourselves.
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Old 10th March 2018, 9:30 AM   #184
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Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
I'd like to answer some of the questions raised the other day:

our kids are definitely his. He covered those bases after he found out about the affair and had genetic testing completed.

The frequency of intimacy has been unchanged since marriage, I know he doesn't like it - he's been vocal about it. I had surgery to help make things less painful but its not enjoyable for me. He's suggested other "activities" but i'm not into those and won't do them.

Today is officially week 2 of him staying the guest room - he recently came home this morning after being gone over 24 hours. We had a productive talk, he displayed zero emotion and no empathy - he started the conversation with 'I'm not going to pay for two places to live and I've been looking at apartments in the area". He was all over the map in what he was saying but I get the gist of it:
  • He wants to officially sell the home, split the proceeds 50/50 and live separately but not impact the kids schools
  • He wants joint custody
  • He handed me a card for a counselor he's been seeing and said the next session is on Monday at 1:00. I told him I have a work function and his answer was - you claim you want this to work, I guess I'll see how badly here soon.

Why give me a card to a counselor while he wants to sell the home and separate it doesn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to explain my side, apologize, ask if he would pause the items in the list above until we've had more time to communicate but he said no.

He also told me not to communicate with him on his upcoming trip that he wanted to take - he clearly said, no calls, no e-mails, no texts - "I don't want to hear from you unless there's an emergency with the kids"

I can't bear him moving out, this upcoming trip is giving me all sorts of anxiety, at least he's talking now but he isn't displaying any emotion.

How can I help him see I want to try...that there's a glimmer of hope in this?

I didn't ask him about the flirting and where's he's been...but its really messing with my head. He would go nuts if I was doing this and not comign home at all.
You keep mentioning in several post how can I help him see I want to try

But as soon as he offers you that opportunity you shut him down .

He ask you to come to a counselor you shut him down with work function

Steph how do you interprete things in your head
Saving marriage and at the other end work function . Is it really a question in your head ? Then don't prolong it for you guys let him go .you are not the right partner for him .

The more I read pages after pages the guy literally has done everything provided options /solution in all situation ..you have been walking all over him for years ...how the hell did you manage an affair when sex is painful how does one does not want to try other things in the bedroom but is open to affairs .you are not a catch Steph he is .and I am sure most woman in your area would think that

Do you even want to save your marriage ? Not because of your ego but because you want to keep your family together .then you fight for it ....that does not mean you fight with him ...you show up and you make your intention clear that you don't want a divorce and you are willing to do anything to save your marriage .

And work on your self Steph you are very egoistic you refuse to see your shortcomings and your failures ...your looks will only get you that far after which any man will get fed up .nobody wants good-looking if she is just a empty vessel with no room for growth .
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Old 10th March 2018, 11:10 AM   #185
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There doesnít appear to be any incentive for this guy to stay in this marriage. He has been neglected emotionally and physically for years. First you say you sex isnít happening because youíre exhausted when you get home or because of bad timing, then when everyone piles on you it becomes a medical issue... The icing on the cake - you are unwilling to compromise in any way! Itís no surprise heís so comfortable in the guest room.

There is just way too much going on here for way too long. It doesnít sound like heís getting much benefit from this relationship at all. Then he invites you to a counseling session and your response is you have to work. Geeze steph, why not just admit that you donít like your husband and donít care about what he wants ? That to you working it out means getting back to business as usual? The situation that benefits you and you only?

Then you get upset that heís out doing the very same thing heís been asking you to stop doing for years. Now youíve gotten a taste of your own medicine. Imagine this feeling youíre experiencing now over a span of years. The empathy youíre accustomed to receiving has disappeared. Doesnít feel very good when someone dismisses your feelings does it?

Steph...other than ďfor the kidsí sakeĒ why would he want to stay? Heís got an emotionally neglectful sexless marriage. In what way have you fulfilled his needs, other than your ability to help pay the bills?

Just let him go. Once heís out you never have to have sex again. GNO can still happen when heís got the kids. Itíll have to be planned. Hopefully you wonít forget you have kids at home and just head straight to the bar..Lunch dates and texts from ex boss or any other guy will no longer need to be hidden or explained. Isnít that what you want anyway? It really doesnít seem like marriage is your thing.
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Old 10th March 2018, 10:03 PM   #186
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I do believe marriage is for me - the companionship, security, etc., but I don't like this person my husband is becoming.

I received a text earlier today from my ex-boss, my husband apparently started an "s storm" by getting his number and speaking with his wife. When I asked my husband, he said "it hurts when someone f's around with your feelings doesn't it?" and had a smirk on his face and walked off.

I was in such shock I literally said nothing all his behaviors the past several days are completely unlike him.

Believe it or not, I have agreed to go with him to counseling on Monday. I don't know what to expect but I think I'll have a better understanding (I hope) of what exactly he's expecting and what he needs from me. I do want to discuss where he's been for over 24 hours. If during this time he's decided to have an affair I sense there's no coming back. He must at least be considering reconciliation - otherwise, why invite me at all right?
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Old 10th March 2018, 11:07 PM   #187
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He's angry. He believes that you betrayed him, again... and it's brought back all those feelings that he felt so long ago. He is behaving irrationally right now because he is in pain. Try not to be reactive to everything he says or does.

It's good that you are able to go to the counselling session. hopefully, he has found a good counsellor. Best wishes.
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Old 10th March 2018, 11:52 PM   #188
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He called his wife because he believes you are having an affair. That's why he called his wife - to inform her. What did your old boss (possible MM) say your husband said? And it's interesting your old boss let you know so quickly - how did he word it?

Maybe your H can see the exact communication with your old boss? I bet he sees it all.

He's calling your bluff on your consistent bad behavior and now you don't like it - well he's been dealing with it forever and you've never made effort to change.

If you don't plan to change - don't stay married.

You look like you wish to stay married because you like using your husband to make your life easier...that's a crappy reason.

Stop saying you don't like your husband's behavior - he's only giving you what you've given him for years.

Be ready...counseling may be to announce the marriage is over.
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Old 10th March 2018, 11:56 PM   #189
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I won’t try to guess what his intentions are with the counseling session but you’ll know soon enough. He’s obviously very angry, hence the unusual behavior. One things certain - he’s finally gotten your attention in ways Mr Nice guy couldn’t. I want to be clear that I don’t condone all the acting out but it does seem that after several pages you still don’t understand how you got here. Hopefully the counseling session will be revelatory for you regardless of the outcome.
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Old 11th March 2018, 12:43 AM   #190
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Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
He took his wedding band off after the text message deletion conversation, and I took mine off a few days later. I don't see why he'd jump to that conclusion - so it was ok for him to do but not me?
You cheated in the past. He suspects it again.

Your husband is having buyers remorse and your actions tell him heís right.

Only a weak doormat would stay in this marriage. Heís not controlling. Boundaries especially with a previous cheater are a must. You have none.

Heís making his way out.
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Old 11th March 2018, 12:58 AM   #191
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Lots of questions in the posts above, if I miss one it's not intentional so please let me know.

1) I have tried to use the advice here, i've woken up early and tried to communicate with him. You can tell me all the things to say but he won't talk to me. The only way to get him to talk is to get him furious - but its counter productive.

2) I don't want to be single, I love having stability and being a family unit. But...I do recognize that being married doesn't mean you spend 100% of your time or energy there. There's nothing wrong with being able to go out - I think the root of my husband's insecurities is his limited social circle. I think if he had as many friends as I do - he'd want to go out more.

3) When I say I'm a catch, I don't mean just looks - I mean someone who is a provider, someone who has several degrees and someone who physically takes care of their appearance and who is attractive. Never said I was a 10. My husband has let himself go a bit and is always so stressed and not nearly as fun. I think thats why I enjoy the lunches or the attention from another male - but its not cheating nor would it come to that.

4) Something has to change here and I think he will have to cool down and extend an olive branch this direction to get the lines of communication going again. I've already extended myself - no means no right? He doesn't want to talk to me or my dad and has made that crystal clear.

I tell myself he comes home because there's a glimmer of hope but part of me believes he's done and going through the motions. I thought about writing him a letter apologizing and recognizing how my actions could be perceived but then I'd think he'd use it as ammo against me if he moves forward. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.
Apparently with your actions your husband feels differently. Heís leaving and youíre doing what? Being the selfish entitled person he shouldnít have married in the first place. Heís reflecting back and not liking it much
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Old 11th March 2018, 1:26 AM   #192
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Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post
I do believe marriage is for me - the companionship, security, etc., but I don't like this person my husband is becoming.

A marriage on your terms? Whatís your H getting out of it?

I received a text earlier today from my ex-boss, my husband apparently started an "s storm" by getting his number and speaking with his wife. When I asked my husband, he said "it hurts when someone f's around with your feelings doesn't it?" and had a smirk on his face and walked off.

I was in such shock I literally said nothing all his behaviors the past several days are completely unlike him.

What do you think your actions have told him?

Believe it or not, I have agreed to go with him to counseling on Monday. I don't know what to expect but I think I'll have a better understanding (I hope) of what exactly he's expecting and what he needs from me. I do want to discuss where he's been for over 24 hours. If during this time he's decided to have an affair I sense there's no coming back. He must at least be considering reconciliation - otherwise, why invite me at all right?
He canít make you do anything but as youíve found you have zero control over him as well.

Bringing your father into the mix didnít help much. It pushed him farther away. It was as if you did that to get your way. Your Hís feelings donít matter much.

You had an affair but deny sex to your H? This tells him you can have sex just not with him. Your H is reflecting back and projecting that on what his future is going to be like. It sounds like heís having or getting ready for an exit affair.

Heís miserable and not willing to compromise any longer.

Let him go.
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Old 11th March 2018, 1:30 AM   #193
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It sounds like you want to stay married for all the perks and continue to behave like a single woman.
Marriages just don't work that way unless a couple agrees to that kind of arrangement.
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Old 11th March 2018, 1:36 AM   #194
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Originally Posted by steph1980nyc View Post

Believe it or not, I have agreed to go with him to counseling on Monday. I don't know what to expect but I think I'll have a better understanding (I hope) of what exactly he's expecting and what he needs from me. I do want to discuss where he's been for over 24 hours. If during this time he's decided to have an affair I sense there's no coming back. He must at least be considering reconciliation - otherwise, why invite me at all right?
Hard to say but donít be surprised if he wants to go over separation or divorce details.

Why would he stay in this?
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Old 11th March 2018, 1:44 AM   #195
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Your husband must have evidence of cheating with the old boss. Why not come clean?
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