LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Every day is a screaming match


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree13Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 28th February 2018, 10:55 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
Every day is a screaming match

So much has happened since I posted last time, I don't know where to start.

Long story short:
My husband and I are both 31 and have a 4 year old daughter. I love her more than anything, but we had her early on in our relationship. I went back to study when I was pregnant with her and we've struggled financially. Had to live with my controlling in laws. They said they'd help us get back on our feet. Instead kicked us out and said they'd increase the days with my daughter at our place.

Fast forward- they never did and I begged my husband to do something. He was working a lot, has Aspergers (only found out later) and told me it was "my problem".My husband blames me for everything and blames me for not working. I try EVERYTHING to get a part time job


My in laws file for custody and get interim custody. My life feels like its falling apart.

Now:
My husband constantly blames me for everything. He buys a franchise for me to work. But its been much harder than the company makes out. The fees are VERY HIGH and combined with rent, its been very stressful. We work together but its not working. I wish we never bought this business.
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2018, 10:59 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
Everyday is just constantly a screaming match about who's more to blame. My dad also promised to sell one of his cars he never uses and is now lying and calling me a liar.
My nan and grandmother also died when we moved out the first time- 4 years ago and my parents didn't share the inheritance. While all the rest of my dads siblings shared it with their adult kids and they all went overseas to scatter my grandmothers ashes. Then my parents came back to brag about it.
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2018, 11:22 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
We've also had a couple sessions off marriage counselling, but couldn't afford anymore sessions.
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th February 2018, 11:26 PM   #4
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,619
It sounds like there's a lot more to unpack here than what you've provided in your short version. It's hard to make sense of any of it or offer advice with the sparse details.

I'll start with questions.

Are you still in school?
Why do you say your in-laws are controlling? Do you have examples?
Why did they kick you out?
What does your husband do
On what grounds did your in-laws get "interim custody" if you're at home and not working?
What kind of franchise did he buy?
Sounds like you don't have a great relationship with your parents? Has it always been this way?
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 12:43 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
It sounds like there's a lot more to unpack here than what you've provided in your short version. It's hard to make sense of any of it or offer advice with the sparse details.
I'll start with questions.

Are you still in school?
No, I finished about a year ago. But all the jobs require 2- 3 years experience and I haven't been able to get any internships. My university just sent me around in circles.

Why do you say your in-laws are controlling? Do you have examples?
They wouldn't allow me to be alone with my child. They wouldn't let me sleep with my child (they would).

Why did they kick you out?
I was sick and tired of being alienated from my child and them saying I can't be alone with my child. My parents FINALLY helped me get her (my in laws must have caught on and her daycare lied that she wasn't there). Then went to my parents. But they got my husband to harass me and say they wouldn't go for custody. I didn't know what to do and Australia seems to be the ONLY western country, without any websites/ forums on this subject.

I regretfully went back and then my in laws lied and filed for custody. I was blindsided and they didn't even tell me beforehand. I went back to my parents house, not knowing that the court looks negatively on that.


What does your husband do
My husband has qualifications in accounting, but when the Global Financial Crisis hit, it hit that area badly. He has worked a number of jobs. He is working in our business now.

On what grounds did your in-laws get "interim custody" if you're at home and not working?
I didn't know that going back to my parents place, would be used against me in court. I also made the mistake of admitting I was depressed because they destroyed my family.

What kind of franchise did he buy?
We bought a cleaning franchise. Jobs include people's homes, businesses and if we're lucky builders cleans. The problem is the fees are very high and the complaint system is overly harsh and you're not given any leeway at first when you begin and are learning the ropes. We weren't even trained properly.

Sounds like you don't have a great relationship with your parents? Has it always been this way?
My dad is a hard person to live with. He blames this whole thing on me. He is autocratic, VERY pessimistic and VERY aggressive. His father was physically and verbally abusive and he is also verbally abusive. His excuse is always his own upbringing and he never would get counselling.


The fights with my husband also gets physical and I forgot to mention my husband recently got an intervention order out on me. But made it that we can still contact and live together. I'm PARANOID about getting into a physical fight and breaking these orders. My in laws love using my husband against me.
I'm usually not an angry person but its impossible not too with my husband.
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 12:46 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
I also see a therapist for my own sanity, but she's away for the next couple of weeks.
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 12:49 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,894
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarkane View Post
Everyday is just constantly a screaming match about who's more to blame. My dad also promised to sell one of his cars he never uses and is now lying and calling me a liar.
My nan and grandmother also died when we moved out the first time- 4 years ago and my parents didn't share the inheritance. While all the rest of my dads siblings shared it with their adult kids and they all went overseas to scatter my grandmothers ashes. Then my parents came back to brag about it.
Your parents are not obliged to share their inheritance. You will get your share when they die. That said, I can think of two good reasons to not share the inheritance now:

1. Given the poor state of your marriage, any inheritance you receive would be chewed up by a divorce or awarded to your ex in division of assets. Your parents would want to make sure the money would stay in the family. I found out recently that my parents were not going to share any inheritance if my sister was still married to her ex.

Or 2. You've never told us why the courts took custody of your children from you. In Australia, children have to be at serious risk for a parent to lose custody. If the courts don't trust you as a parent, then your parents may not trust you to make good decisions with a lump sum.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 12:50 AM   #8
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,619
What is your degree in? Or, what line of work have you been looking for a job in?

Do you have any other diagnoses other than depression? It seems odd to me, an American, that your in-laws would get custody of your child from both you and your husband. I feel like here that doesn't happen enough and that's how kids end up dead (because CPS failed)! (I'm not at all implying your child would end up dead in your care) Are Australia's laws unduly harsh in this area?

My cousin has Asperger's and has never held down a job and he's now a married dad in his thirties (God bless his wife, the sole bread winner). How do you feel about your husband's abilities to hold down a job? How do you feel about your abilities to do that once you find one? Are you both desiring to work full time with benefits?
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 12:51 AM   #9
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,619
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarkane View Post
I also see a therapist for my own sanity, but she's away for the next couple of weeks.
What does this mean? Do you have a diagnosis?
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:10 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,894
Your only solution at this point

1. Divorce your husband. Given the violent nature of your relationship, the two of you should never have custody of your child. Perhaps on your own it may be better.

2. Sell the franchise.

3. Get a job. Any job. Do you have good references from any previous employment?

4. Sort out whatever issue you have which is being used against you in court regarding custody. I highly doubt you lost custody simply because you live with your parents and suffer depression.

5. If you're single and working in a basic job, you should have no trouble accessing Legal Aid and challenging custody. But you need to have gotten a divorce first and had any AVOs on you expire. They should not allow a child to return to you and your husband given the abusive and violent nature of your domestic life.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:11 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,894
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Are Australia's laws unduly harsh in this area?
Australia's laws are not unduly harsh. Courts and social services do what they can to keep families intact if it's in the child's best interests.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:24 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
What does this mean? Do you have a diagnosis?
Just someone to offload all these problems on.
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:25 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Australia's laws are not unduly harsh. Courts and social services do what they can to keep families intact if it's in the child's best interests.
Social services were never involved.
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:28 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Your parents are not obliged to share their inheritance. You will get your share when they die. That said, I can think of two good reasons to not share the inheritance now:

1. Given the poor state of your marriage, any inheritance you receive would be chewed up by a divorce or awarded to your ex in division of assets. Your parents would want to make sure the money would stay in the family. I found out recently that my parents were not going to share any inheritance if my sister was still married to her ex.

Or 2. You've never told us why the courts took custody of your children from you. In Australia, children have to be at serious risk for a parent to lose custody. If the courts don't trust you as a parent, then your parents may not trust you to make good decisions with a lump sum.
It's just interim custody. I don't have the money to take it the full process to court and Legal Aid wouldn't help because I was living at home. I STILL can't get any answers why this is so strict on me.
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st March 2018, 1:31 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 4,692
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
What does this mean? Do you have a diagnosis?
When we had to get assessed I got diagnosed with Schizoid personality disorder. I didn't even know what was. And its not Schizophrenia. I'm don't entirely agree with this diagnosis.

Last edited by Sugarkane; 1st March 2018 at 1:59 AM..
Sugarkane is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Screaming match between husband and 16 y/o stepdaughter, cops called, now she's gone! Mapper71 Parenting 85 4th August 2014 8:12 PM
Screaming Infidelities? SadBabyGirl Breaks and Breaking Up 0 21st May 2007 1:21 PM
screaming for help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! izsel Friends and Lovers 14 16th July 2005 9:45 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:24 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.