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Is this midlife crisis? How to support him ?


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Old 28th February 2018, 9:25 AM   #1
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Is this midlife crisis? How to support him ?

Hello to all.
I am very naive when it comes to relationships even in my age of 48
Because I never dated much guys....I date first guy end up marrying him and ended in divorce after 24 years because he was having an affair with co worker...

after divorce ....time past I didn't date anyone and met my current boyfriend 4 years a go now so only 2 guys in my life anyway,

He is really genuine and nice guy almost perfect and gentle hearted guy.
Very successful, smart, educated, loving devoted and faithful guy with few problems like COPD and germa phobic thing...extreamly clean, organized person and always moving and working...
Anyway, he is 54 and I think he is going through changes last 7 months ..he say things, and done things I never saw he would do and say and I ask his mother and his Ex ...his ex and I get a long well and are friends on Facebook and stuff
And they all say he is very genuine and he wouldn't never do anything like that and he is one of a kind and so on nothing bad to say about him...

Ok, has mood swings lately and snaps easy and he say he is sorry and he don't know why he did that and he start drinking a little...he say he hates his job no his life...he say he work so hard all his life to make others happy and put kids through college and support them but gets no appreciation from no body...

He say he never had time for him self or enjoy life always working and stuff...
He worry about getting old and say he is depress thinking about his age ....

He did had something with his married boss women at work..she is CEO of the company and he is senior top Vise president of finance.
She had thing for him ever since she hired him and she has changed also...dress sexier and did some work done on her looks and letting her hair grow out cause he likes long hair on women and she always sit next to him every events we go....anyway,
They text a lot Day and nights and weekends for months ...nothing sexual but too friendly and secretly....
I found out and confronted him and I threatened to leave...he say he is sorry..

He say he didn't know it's a bad thing because he say nothing sexual nor he has attracted to her at all..she is my boss....
But he delete and hides text ...I happened to find out ..

He stopped text after I threatened to leave ..he begs and cries not to leave him and he can't live without me and loves me only and stuff and he been good after that..when he say he won't do it, he mean it I know him...

anyway, he seem so different guy to me at times last 7 months up and down...I don't know how to handle this ...I try so hard to please him and help him..
he say I m the only safe place for him....he used to very close with his mom and his kids but last 7 months, he don't want to talk to his mother and distant with her and his kids....he used to say he give his life for them and they are important in his life but now days he say he don't Care....

He told me last night too he hates his job, this place this town and all and he say he is beat and tired of everything and everyone..he wants to disappear somewhere with me ....and than he say he may snap any day just warning me....and told me to be strong and support him....and he lean on my shoulder and hold my hand.....sad.

He never like this before never...this is new to he and to everyone.
He won't show this at work...no one notice anything at work..he keeps very professional and kept things to him self but at home he unleash everything...
His mom and his Ex think he is going through mid life thing....
So guys, help me what to do and how can I help him and be there for him?
I m trying my best to make him happy but it's hard and not enough....he say he is happy with me but than why is he do this or say things like this?
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:33 AM   #2
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He did had something with his married boss women at work..she is CEO of the company and he is senior top Vise president of finance.
She had thing for him ever since she hired him and she has changed also...dress sexier and did some work done on her looks and letting her hair grow out cause he likes long hair on women and she always sit next to him every events we go....anyway,
They text a lot Day and nights and weekends for months ...nothing sexual but too friendly and secretly....
I found out and confronted him and I threatened to leave...he say he is sorry..

He say he didn't know it's a bad thing because he say nothing sexual nor he has attracted to her at all..she is my boss....
But he delete and hides text ...I happened to find out ..
Lily blue, you are being naive. He's either in an active or just-ended (and hence the moodiness and depression) affair with his boss.

Are you living with him?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:50 AM   #3
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He has a lot of stress , poor man......
u need to learn a lot of things to handle him, going thru this period of time.
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Old 28th February 2018, 10:37 AM   #4
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Mr lucky..
Yes I live with him for 3 years.
No he didn't had affairs ...his Boss likes him a lot..too much.
Others at work hit on him too but he feels he can't ignore his Boss text..he told me but I told him that. Don't like it..the text and the way she acts around him and me....he don't do text anymore unless it's business.
He rather quit his job than loose me.
He is faithful guy...he told her that don't text him no more unless it's important work related or he will leave...

He always come home after work everyday never late and he is with me on weekends and never gone bussiness trips with her so I know he is not having affirs and she is married and she can't loose her job over either but I know she is very attractive to him.
Things he can't stand and won't tolerate is lazy people, cheating and porn and arrogant people and sex abuse and child abuse stuff he just hate those thing and those people who doing it...that's things he won't do or be around people who is he say..and don't understand why people do it or need to.....and that's me too.

I trust him and when he say he won't he won't. He is also perfectionist.
There is eyes at work..he is very professional at work.

He leaves his phone in the kitchen never takes with him to bathroom or anything like my Ex did.
I know the pass words and his phone account I can check if I want too but I don't.
He didn't change his pass words..if he was having affairs, he should change his pass words right?
No..he is going through mid life crisis or overly stress.
His job is very hectic, demanding work....

Last edited by Lily blue; 28th February 2018 at 10:57 AM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:02 PM   #5
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He didn't change his pass words..if he was having affairs, he should change his pass words right?
I'm afraid there's a whole would out there you know little about - "burner" phones, disappearing messages, apps designed specifically for hidden communication, etc.

At least keep your eyes open. The deleted texts are not a good sign...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 1st March 2018, 10:11 AM   #6
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I think this man actually needs some space and you shouldn't have to be the person to "lean" on until he figures it out. You need to make some decisions on what feels best to you. There are all sorts of flags going off here. Look at things how they really are and not how you want them to be.

Maybe a separation and contact (if you want it) but not living together.
You could say,"I love you but there are things I think you need to work on and maybe we should take a break"

Figure out what you are actually getting out of this relationship. Is it enough or are you giving all with little return?

Only he can make himself happy. One can support, lend an ear, etc. but each individual is responsible for their own happiness.

Best of luck to you
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Old 1st March 2018, 12:06 PM   #7
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Lily blue, You need to listen to these people...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post
I think this man actually needs some space and you shouldn't have to be the person to "lean" on until he figures it out. You need to make some decisions on what feels best to you. There are all sorts of flags going off here. Look at things how they really are and not how you want them to be.

Maybe a separation and contact (if you want it) but not living together.
You could say,"I love you but there are things I think you need to work on and maybe we should take a break"

Figure out what you are actually getting out of this relationship. Is it enough or are you giving all with little return?

Only he can make himself happy. One can support, lend an ear, etc. but each individual is responsible for their own happiness.

Best of luck to you
Lily blue, You need to listen to these people...

I can tell you are just do sweet. But there are some things that you need to realize.

So let's say that he is not and never had an affair with his boss. That is highly unlikely, but let's just say.

At the very least, the were way too close and the texting is just the tip of the iceberg.

MidLifeMama is really giving some really good advice and well as lucky.

So lets take the affair off the table.

He is not having a mid life crisis, he is depressed. What has his sex drive been like lately, more or less?

He is depressed because of his job, he depressed because he realizes that his life is at the very least half over, but more like 3/4ths over.

What he needs to do is find a new job if at all possible. He needs to see a doctor and probably get on some anti depressant medications. He needs to have his testosterone checked and probably get on some shots of gel for that.

He needs some therapy.

He needs to understand that what he is going through is really normal.

We all reach a point where were realize that our life is coming to a close and we also realize that we have lived our lives for other people. We have lived it for our spouses, our kids, our grand kids, but never ourselves.

And the kids start to move off and it seems like they don't call unless they need something.

But like MLM said, you cannot fix this for him. He has to get help and fix these issues for him self. You can help with Dr appointments and reminders but he has to do it. You can support him, but you cannot fix it.

I am lucky in a lot of ways, my kids love me, I still have one at home, they constantly need advice which I am happy to give, so all of that is good.

As for the other stuff, for me I am just partying my A** off and it is a blast, but not everyone gets there as easy as I did...
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Old 1st March 2018, 1:08 PM   #8
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He's 54 and you've mentioned previously that he's financially successful. Is he at a point where he can just retire? It sounds like he's had enough of his hectic, demanding job and may be feeling burnt out.
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Old 1st March 2018, 3:40 PM   #9
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I understand that.
I had feelings hurt over his text too but I have seen text many times but nothing romantic but I still didn't like it because she likes him. She is old lady and he us not interest in her or older women with 6 grand kids.
He is not in to blonds ever or women who is not fit and has a lot of kids and she is all that he is not in to....I don't have problem with him but her...even he did answer her text before but as friendly to keep the peace. He swears it and I know his style and he never lie or denied when I ask.

He tells me straight up and there are few women doctors and nurses text him and try to hit on him sometime right in front of me at the party... they are all married but not happy in their marriage and he told me that I work with bunch crazy old horny womens ....

.I know it all but as women, it bothered me and bothers me because they won't stop but he can't do anything either....who will believe him over women?
but I know he will not cheat.
He is very affectionate, romantic and very, overly protective of me always.


He has high testosterone always matter of fact his body produce too much he has to work off....so he works out 5 days a week with heavy weights at our home Gym...with me and our sex life is same always since we met and he has really good stamina and strong.

He is stressed out working 12 hours a day everyday and hasn't had vacation for long time.
He hates his job here and this town and he also don't like people he works with include CEO...because they are all women and they do not get a long and fights a lot and he has to deal with it...he likes work with highly motivate and professional people and these executive women are not in his level so it's hard on him....I be around them a lot and they are not nor act professional at all and at parties they get drunk and act stupid ..he can't stand it.
Some days he dredging to go to work....

He regret coming here but his kind of work isn't easy to transition.

He never had health problems until he got this new job 2 years a go...high blood pressure and I cook very healthy food and taken care of his blood pressure under control...
He is looking for another executive job...few places want him but he don't like that state so he declined even with more pay but we don't want to move to that state....


He has money and retirement from other job he worked for 22 years before this job and all and can retired but he don't want to yet he say he want to retired at 57.
I can't walk away because he is good man and better than any one I know or met ...better than most of my friends husband and he do loves me very much ...I think if he get out if this job, he will feel better.
His mom and his kids want him to find other job include me so he is looking ..and place he can retire and we both like and spend rest of our lives.
He is struggling here mentally.
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Old 1st March 2018, 4:04 PM   #10
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Sounds like you have trust, and that's great. A person can still be vulnerable to an affair when they are depressed or stressed or confused as an escape, even if they may not be absolutely attracted to that person. Hopefully he has not strayed and feeling guilty.

He needs to set boundaries with the boss! She can't fire him if he denies advances from her. He could get her for sexual harassment if so.

Sounds like a very unhappy job situation and to me, no amount of money is worth your sanity. Perhaps nudging him to keep looking for something that may make him happier for work?

To support him, ask him what he needs from you, right now in his life.
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Old 1st March 2018, 6:45 PM   #11
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He tells me straight up and there are few women doctors and nurses text him and try to hit on him sometime right in front of me at the party... they are all married but not happy in their marriage and he told me that I work with bunch crazy old horny womens ....

.I know it all but as women, it bothered me and bothers me because they won't stop but he can't do anything either....who will believe him over women?
Unless he looks like George Clooney and is on the prowl as much as Harvey Weinstein, this self-aggrandizing behavior is just more smoke and possible indication of fire.

Women chase him around, trying to force themselves on him? Sure...

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Old 1st March 2018, 10:04 PM   #12
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Lol
No.
I don't think George Clooney is that good looking.
Yes, he is very charming, serious, genuine and he carry him self very well.
He is 54 but he looks like he is about 40 and very fit and muscular body and he has big package so no matter what pants he wear most of the time he wears loose baggy pants for a reason still show big bulge in the front....I think that is why women finds him attractive....I don't know...I did because he is serious, genuine and very professional never lazy and clean and when we are dating ..he never flirtatious and when we text for months and he never ever sexual text always keep it real, gentlemen and that's why he is different and I fallen in love and that why I trust him.
When we are dating long distance...I even ask him if he want my pictures in bikini .he say no...and he say don't ask picture of me he say...I don't do that kind of stuff....
He is not like most guy...he is strong and real.
That's why, I stick by him.
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