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So I told my boyfriend of 4 years he canít sleep over


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 27th February 2018, 11:55 PM   #16
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Seems pretty clear he just hasnít grown up and has made a habit of avoiding responsibility. Is he gainfully employed?
Yes- he is a contractor. And a very busy one. His parents are married for 50 years- but his dad is VERY bossy and his mom is too. They are Guatemalan and Italian. I always blame his bossiness on the Italian side of him.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:58 PM   #17
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Iím not trying to be harsh, but in 5 posts, you havenít said one thing positive about him. Iím struggling to understand why youíd even want him to move in. Have you dated anyone else since youíve been divorced? This sounds like the definition of settling.
Positive- owns his own house, is independent, loves me a lot, successful business owner, has a good heart
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:02 AM   #18
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Positive- owns his own house, is independent, loves me a lot, successful business owner, has a good heart
How does he demonstrate these qualities to you in your relationship?
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:04 AM   #19
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My thinking is if I don't allow him to stay the night (which he does 4-5 nights a week) then maybe he will feel what he is missing? Or am I being too harsh? He is very close to my 13 year old given she has been with him since age 9 and their dad disappeared. I just don't want to be a doormat. And I am a very strong woman. I make a very good living, have many degrees, own my own house (I did even as married) and hate asking for help ever. I am not weak but I do feel when you love someone you put them first and stay loyal.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:10 AM   #20
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How does he demonstrate these qualities to you in your relationship?
He calls me on my way to work to see how I am, on my way home, meets me at the gym or picks me up- snuggles A lot. And given he is a single dude he goes along with my "all cards should be hand made " for any event. He always tries to help pay a bill if I need it (which I usually refuse) and does do work around my house.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:21 AM   #21
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A 49 year old never-married, no-kids, no-mortgage skateboarder having to choose between that lifestyle and a life with a "wife" and teens, at least one of who has a challenge? It is really not difficult to see what's going on here .
Is it that irrational to think he would want to spend his life with someone? I know my life isn't easy but I am a needy woman that wants him to solve my life problems- just be there for me?
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:27 AM   #22
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My thinking is if I don't allow him to stay the night (which he does 4-5 nights a week) then maybe he will feel what he is missing? Or am I being too harsh? He is very close to my 13 year old given she has been with him since age 9 and their dad disappeared. I just don't want to be a doormat. And I am a very strong woman. I make a very good living, have many degrees, own my own house (I did even as married) and hate asking for help ever. I am not weak but I do feel when you love someone you put them first and stay loyal.
I must say, I'm not a fan of the ultimatum. I can understand why you are considering it, his decision to tell your kids that he's moving in only to back out several times would make me very angry. But, I just don't think that it starts your life living together in a positive way when you've basically withheld time/affection/sex in an attempt to get him to make a decision.

If you want him to move in and commit to you and your family, tell him that. Ask him to move in and share your home/life/family. It's his decision - either he is in or he is out. I know, it's a different kind of ultimatum but unless you are happy with the status quo, you will need to do something. This "one foot in the door-one foot out the door" attitude must be difficult to deal with for you. I would think that after four years, he should know what he wants and if he's not ready to commit... Well, you have some thinking to do.

Last edited by BaileyB; 28th February 2018 at 12:38 AM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:40 AM   #23
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I don't see any reason not to tell him this isn't good for your kids and they're feeling like he's not treating you right and you agree and dont want to model that for them anymore. That's a little different than an ultimatum and should be understandable.

I know everyone else in this thread seems to think there's something wrong with him and his lifestyle but I totally don't. Why shouldn't single adult brothers live together??? If they are happy with it, who cares? And the thing about the ex girlfriends and fwb's -- he was single for decades, Id hate to think how many exes I'd have if I didn't stick with one of them for 25 years. I think its pretty sweet that he tells you he had never met *the one* until you. If that stuff is making you feel bad, then he should take that seriously, of course.
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:26 AM   #24
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Iím not trying to give him an ultimatum I am just trying to tell him that itís causing confusion for my kids. And that for me as a mom is a problem. I donít want my kids to be confused about commitment in relationships. And I do believe him when he says that he never found anyone before me. Obviously as a lifelong bachelor itís very hard to find a girl that would believe anything you say or the reasoning behind it. But I do believe him when he tells me he doesnít understand that itís not OK to hang out with girls that he made out with and had sex with as just friends. In his world thatís normal. But in my world itís not. And heís very thoughtful and forgiving when he does something wrong and when he realizes itís wrong he apologizes. I have no doubt that heís been faithful to me the whole time. I donít think heís ever been Iím faithful. Iím just trying to gauge how to date a George Clooney.
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Old 28th February 2018, 3:44 AM   #25
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So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and I have three kids - two of which live at home- ages 13,16,18. Iím 40 and heís 49 - he has no kids. He told my kids and I he was moving in last year in the summer. He never moved in. Every time we would have an argument about it he says thatís why he wasnít moving in. When he is angry he says he likes his bubble. When heís not angry he says he doesnít want to live with his brother and wants to move in. So he told me and the kids yesterday that he was going to be moving in around September. That is seven months away. Just doesnít make sense. Why does he need 7 sevens? He says itís to make improvements around my house. I have a four bedroom house that I own. Yes it needs improvements but nothing dramatic. So I told him today he canít sleep over till we live together. Itís confusing for my kids that love him and they make comments about him not loving me enough to be committed. My kids are very smart. I just donít want them to be confused anymore. And I think Iím making it too comfortable for him. Am I out of my mind or does this not sound like a normal idea? Help.
Dump him. He isn't step father material for your kids, let alone life time partner material for you. You may love him but he is dramatic, flaky and doesn't seem mature enough to actually BE in a healthy relationship.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:01 AM   #26
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Hi Vintage, I agree with the others who say he is not marriage material. Your current relationship with him is the best you'll get. Try as you may he is not going to commit. Best to treat him like a FWB guy and let it rest there. Every time you try and get him to commit he pulls away. Aldo the fact that he is keeping his relationship with these other women idling shows that he is keeping his options open just in case you do dump him.

If you are keen on finding someone to spend the rest of your life with then go on dating sites for middle aged divorced people and look for prospective grooms there. You might find someone who ticks all the boxes and is also actually interested in you. Just a thought. Warm wishes.
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Old 28th February 2018, 7:55 AM   #27
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Is it that irrational to think he would want to spend his life with someone?
It's not irrational, but his actions are speaking a lot louder than his words. I have a divorced friend (mom of two) who is dating someone like this (replace skateboarding with sky diving and brother with his precious cats) and they've broken up twice (in an 8 month relationship) because of these issues and I just do not see it changing, despite what he SAYS. He's a terminal bachelor at 50 years old.
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:11 AM   #28
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Did I mention that he is a skateboarder who does that as his big hobby and many of his friends are single and are pro skateboarders?


Whoa...To be 49 and skateboarding? WOW! Good on him to keep active, but that sounds like it can really hurt!!! lol

Seriously, dating a single mom is so tough. It's not your fault per se, but the constant projection of your children onto the relationship is hard. It's hard for guys to see the you (OP) and him (BF) together as a couple. It's always that the kids have to come first. Again, not wrong but very limiting concerning intimacy and bonding one on one....

And on top of that. Your chlld with drug issues is a giant hand grenade. You may need to be patient with him to come around and jump in with both feet. I do not feel that your odds of finding a Captain Save The Day will be too soon. If you really feel bonded with your BF and do share lots of common interests, you might want to keep up the communication with him and give real expectations of the next few weeks, months and years...Where do YOU want to be with HIM.

If not, maybe start to cool it and find someone else who is more simpatico with your standards... Just be honest with him and tell him your needs. And how he can either be part of it, or not....
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:17 AM   #29
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The other issue that has come up is he has so many ex-girlfriends I canít keep track.
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He says he always wanted marriage and kids but never found the one
Hmmm....

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Old 28th February 2018, 9:27 AM   #30
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OP, you are not happy with this relationship. You sit him down
and tell him not only no more sleep overs, no more opposite sex
friends, not even no more sex, but no more you unless he makes
these changes or time for you to find a man that wants to
commit to you.

You have to force his hand to show his true colors. Then you
will know where you stand.
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