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Wife Keeping Things From Me and Lying


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A while back I found out that my wife's nephew molested my son while he was over at the house for a visit. The nephew was 13 and my son was 7 at the time. He made him suck his penis out behind the pool. My wife found out about this within a couple of days -- I didn't find out until my son blurted it out to me one day while getting disciplined for some bad behavior -- two weeks after it had happened. This has created a rift between us -- I am supposed to be the father and protector. I already feel guilty enough that this happened right under my nose -- but knowing that my wife felt okay with keeping something of this magnitude from me is hard for me to understand. I mean, if she keeps something like this from me, what else is she hiding?

 

Obviously people are going to say that she was probably afraid of what my reaction would be. Admittedly, I have stated in the past that if anyone ever did anything to my children I would deal with them myself. However, when the predator is a thirteen year old it changes things a little bit. Not because I feel his young age somehow reduces his responsibility, but because of how society would view and deal with me if I were to take things into my own hands and do something to him.

 

Since this occurrence I have started checking into other things and have discovered some concerning issues, mainly lies and periods where she is unreachable -- it's like a temporary ghosting where I she doesn't answer a text for hours on end and I don't know where she is. When she does talk to me, she rambles about work and especially her older boss -- she brags about how much money he makes and how he has taken her 'under his wing'. When I asked her if there was anything else I should know, she told me about her boss at another job who kept trying to give her 'massages' in the back office but she supposedly declined. My gut is telling me something is wrong and I want to confront but don't want to push it 'underground' if there is something 'going on'. She has been quite distant of late and I am concerned. I want to protect my interests and the best interests of my children.

 

Any opinions as to what could be going on here? I'm trying to not be 'that husband' who is clingy and jealous, but my intuition is screaming at me to dig deeper and I'm almost afraid of what I'll find if I do.

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I would start by checking her email, text message history and check to see where she is going. That whay you will know if she is messing around on you.

 

Honestly, I would have a hard time trusting your wife anymore if she kept something like that from you. The two of you need counseling.

 

I’m sorry to hear about what happened to your son. I have a 14 year old son myself, and I would hurt anyone that would hurt hiim.

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somanymistakes

Go to marriage counseling. Regardless of whether there is anything else going on or not, you've just had a shock, you're upset, and you need help handling the consequences of that. You ALSO need to improve your communication connections with your spouse, and to talk about what happens if the two of you can't trust each other.

 

Yes, there's a chance she's having an affair. But don't fixate on that so much that you blind yourself to everything else. Any one of these problems could become the crack that destroys you.

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Gather any and all information that you can on your own, you know if you

confront her without evidence she will lie if she's hiding something.

Is she protective of her phone, does she have times that you can't explain

her whereabouts, working late etc.

If you have access to her phone check it, also check phone records.

 

Get your son in therapy, have your in-laws foot the bill, this would tick me off.

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So what was the outcome to the molestation incident? If you your wife never told you what steps was she taking to deal with it before you found out? Was she trying to protect you and your son or was she trying to protect her nephew? Were the police called? Was child welfare involved?

 

Counselling for everyone immediately.

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So what was the outcome to the molestation incident? If you your wife never told you what steps was she taking to deal with it before you found out? Was she trying to protect you and your son or was she trying to protect her nephew? Were the police called? Was child welfare involved?

 

Counselling for everyone immediately.

 

The outcome was that nothing was done. The police interviewed my son and said that, due to 'inconsistencies' in his interview and the age of the 'alleged' offender, no charges would be filed. Needless to say, his cousin is blacklisted from our family.

 

After my son told me and I confronted her, she claimed she was GOING to tell me, just not yet. I feel she was probably protecting her brother and nephew from my potential wrath and it took every ounce of self control I had to just go to the police instead of dealing with it myself. My wife felt it was more of a 'kids playing doctor' incident, but don't ask me how. There is no comparison between the mental faculties and reasoning abilities of a 13-vs-7-year-old. Child welfare was not involved however he did receive counselling.

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Gather any and all information that you can on your own, you know if you

confront her without evidence she will lie if she's hiding something.

Is she protective of her phone, does she have times that you can't explain

her whereabouts, working late etc.

If you have access to her phone check it, also check phone records.

 

Get your son in therapy, have your in-laws foot the bill, this would tick me off.

 

She isn't very protective of her phone when she's here, however it is a company-issued business phone that she also uses for personal communication -- she could have another one for all I know or have some other form of communication if there is someone else. I just don't know and will NOT confront without evidence of some kind in hand. I know by doing that, if there is something going on, I will just give her a heads-up and increase her stealthiness. I have checked the phone and also did data recovery on it for deleted texts and call logs -- nothing of note was found on it -- unless I did something wrong.

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I would start by checking her email, text message history and check to see where she is going. That whay you will know if she is messing around on you.

 

Honestly, I would have a hard time trusting your wife anymore if she kept something like that from you. The two of you need counseling.

 

I’m sorry to hear about what happened to your son. I have a 14 year old son myself, and I would hurt anyone that would hurt hiim.

 

I am relieved someone agrees with me regarding how big of a thing that is to keep from someone who's supposed to be your husband -- and I do have a hard time trusting her after that. Whenever I bring it up she gets very defensive and tells me to 'get over it'. I had a 'friend' who stole some money from me once. I caught him, and he eventually admitted it and gave it back, but I then thought back and found that he had stolen other things from my home as well. It's like if she would keep that from her 'husband', what else is she hiding? Is that a flawed way of thinking? She always harps about how she trusts me fully and that I should trust her in turn. She blows it off (not telling me immediately) and disputes the time period between when she knew and when my son told me. She claims it was a couple of days (minimizing) but unfortunately for her I keep a journal and the family get together where 'it' happened was almost three weeks before the day my son told me -- she found out a couple of days after it happened.

 

And I'm sorry to ramble -- but even though at this point I have nothing conclusive -- I feel like the past twenty years of what we had is pitted and eroded. All it's going to take is a small puff of wind and the whole thing is going to come crashing down if it hasn't already. I'm anxious and sad but trying very hard not to show it.

 

I don't have access to her email - however she has a workstation in her office at work. She is the type of person who definitely doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve. She can be very emotionless and cunning and that absolutely serves her well in the type of job she has.

Edited by PBS
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Your child was sexually abused and your wife knew and didn't tell you? (Not to mention going to the police in the very same day, when his memory is fresh and his testimony is accurate).

 

I would have sent her divorce papers through my attorney, an hour after finding out. There is no marriage for me with such a woman, and I have nothing in common with her anymore. Sorry. I can't figure out anything worse than that.

 

If she's a cheater, murderer, spy, all these are nothing compare to that.

Edited by lolablue17
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You have every reason to go all out detective or hire somebody else to do it. You really need to check all email accounts, social media, chats, online phone records.

 

But whether or not she's actively cheating, you still have huge issues because of the priorities she's operating from - not telling you about the abuse to protect her nephew, minimizing the abuse. You two are operating from completely different sets of values. There's no trust either way. This marriage is in crisis and so the family is in crisis. I don't see how you can help your son if the two of you are not working as a team with the same goals and priorities.

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Yes it is a possibility that your with is cheating on you.

 

One of the easiest things you can do is to place a VAR in her car. Secure it under the front driver seat with velcro. Then retrieve it and see if she is talking to anyone. You can also place one in a room she uses to talk phone calls.

 

Do not tip her off unless you have proof. Then you need to decide if you can stay with someone that is cheating on you, it she is. If yes then confront and R. If not then just file and have her served with divorce papers.

 

One thing. Protect your son now. Take him by yourself and see the police. File a report and make sure they know that your wife knew and did nothing and kept it from you.

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somanymistakes

I'm not sure what the point of VARs is. If you've gotten to the point where you need to do that, you've already made up your mind that your marriage is over, so you may as well just file for divorce. It would make sense if you were trying to find proof so you could use it to adjust alimony, but that kind of recording is illegal in most locations so you can't actually submit it as evidence and you could get yourself in trouble.

 

If you think trust is shattered beyond hope already, just end it, don't drive yourself crazy playing detective. Otherwise, go to counselling and push for her to make some major changes.

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I'm not sure what the point of VARs is. If you've gotten to the point where you need to do that, you've already made up your mind that your marriage is over, so you may as well just file for divorce. It would make sense if you were trying to find proof so you could use it to adjust alimony, but that kind of recording is illegal in most locations so you can't actually submit it as evidence and you could get yourself in trouble.

 

If you think trust is shattered beyond hope already, just end it, don't drive yourself crazy playing detective. Otherwise, go to counselling and push for her to make some major changes.

 

The point of a VAR is to get to the truth one way or another. There have been many cheating spouses caught this way. It’s so one has actually proof of what is or isn’t going on. It is just one way to investigate a possible affair.

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Hi PBS, after reading your OP and subsequent posts it appears to me that your suspicions are well founded. If you really want solid proof and have the funds to go for it,, you could employ a PI who would be able to give you irrefutable evidence about any cheating on your wife's part. Her stating that you should 'get over it' when you bring up the molestation issue of your son indicates that there is something suspicious about the way your wife thinks. If you were to have caught her cheating she would have used the same words. You have said that your 20 year marriage is so fragile a puff of wind could blow it over. If that be the case then create your own puff of wind and be done with it. No point living in misery till the end of your days. Wish you the very best.

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It is not a question of could be... having an affair. She is with out a doubt having an affair with her boss. It is probably not the first time she has done it.

 

As to the molestation issue... at both of their ages there really is not a lot you can do about it. It is horrible, but you just need to help your son deal with it.

 

Your wife was completely wrong in every way in the way that she handled it.

 

However, it plays into the type of person that she is, a liar and cheater. She is used to lying to you on a daily basis and this incident is just a continuation and demonstration of her character.

 

You have been given a lot of good advice so far. But the quickest and surest way to discover the affair is to hire a GOOD PI, which mean that you need to interview them to find the right one.

 

If you hire a PI you will discover that her and her boss are leaving work early to go screw.

 

You will also find out that any GIRLS night out's are just a cover for them to date and screw.

 

You might as well just hire a PI so you can get this marriage over with ASAP, and please don't be one of the weak sissy men that tells all of us that you just love her so much... Trust me she is not worthy of that love...

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If my husband kept that from me I'd be furious beyond belief and that would very likely lead to a divorce.

 

On the other hand...if my nephew did such a thing...I would be so very ashamed to say it...but I know I couldn't keep it a secret.

 

What a horrible thing to happen to your son.

Edited by sandylee1
typo
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If my husband kept that from me I'd be furious beyond belief and that would very likely lead to a divorce.

 

On the other hand...if my nephew did such a thing...I would be so very ashamed to say it...but I know I couldn't keep it a secret.

 

What a horrible thing to happen to your son.

 

Thank you..I hurt for him every time it enters my thoughts, which is oftten but especially when his pain manifests as anger and depression. I did forget to mention that she also said she didn’t tell me because my son asked her not to because I might think he is gay. I have never asked my son if that’s true because we have tried to move past it and I don’t want to open old wounds. Even if that were true, I still think I should have been told.

 

Not much to add to this other than the fact she said I was clingy and annoying for texting her too much. Her boss has been away on a business trip for a few days, maybe that is why she’s cranky.

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Hi PBS, can you believe a seven year old would know what being 'gay' means and even if he had some inkling about it,, do you think he would be able to reason out a response like the one your wife is trying to pass on? If he even told her that she should have come clean and told you about it. What kind of a mother and wife is she to hide something like that from you?

 

The point is, are you interested in doing anything concrete about exposing your wife and divorcing her? As suggested, you could hire a PI who would be able to present you with irrefutable evidence of any shenanigans your wife was indulging in. If you cannot afford a PI then at least install a VAR as suggested under the driver's seat of her car to record any suspicious conversations she may be having while driving to and from work. You could also fix a GPS tracker in the wheel well or other suitable place in her car to be able to track where she is after work hours. These methods will not be as effective as a PI but will give you enough evidence of something fishy ( if it is happening) to take a call on proceeding with divorce. I do not know why but I am getting the feeling that you are not interested in getting a divorce and are not going to do anything to collect evidence of possible cheating on your wife's part because that would force you to look reality in the face. I hope I'm wrong but there are little indicators that I may be right. Wish you the best.

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Your wife sounds like a piece of work. She's a conflict avoider. Conflict avoidance is one of the hallmarks of a cheater.

 

 

If she isn't having an affair, she definitely has sh*t for boundaries. I'm with the others. Do some discreet sleuthing to see what she is up to.

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GorillaTheater

Personally, if it was my wife I wouldn't be giving a crap if she was having an affair or not. Covering up the sexual assault of my son would be it; do not pass go, do not collect $200, and here's the divorce petition.

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Not much to add to this other than the fact she said I was clingy and annoying for texting her too much.

 

Agree with every poster, your son has had a traumatic event and it's good reading that he is in counseling for this.

 

The 13 yr. old nephew is the abuser....very likely that he has also been abused. By whom?

The nephew has to be called out for his behavior and brought to a shrink. Period. Otherwise, your son is only one....of possible many and escalating.

 

Please do not forget the offender is getting stronger and more skillful every day.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, hold her feet to the fire regarding this. I would never tolerate an absence of knowledge when the issue of child abuse is involved.

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BarbedFenceRider

I get the feeling, that she likes to be under the impression of control in your relationship. She seems to minimize the actual event of sexual abuse, to maybe gain control in her own infidelity. She mentions the boss as a "Freudian" slip as a comparison to you. She is on the way to hypergamy. The sick thing is that even your nephew is in crisis, and no one bats an eye?

Also, for the "gay" comment...Really? Anyone in any persuasion needs to feel safe and empowered. Not under the guise that sexual abuse is okay....

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