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Wife Keeping Things From Me and Lying


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Old 24th February 2018, 9:43 AM   #1
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Wife Keeping Things From Me and Lying

A while back I found out that my wife's nephew molested my son while he was over at the house for a visit. The nephew was 13 and my son was 7 at the time. He made him suck his penis out behind the pool. My wife found out about this within a couple of days -- I didn't find out until my son blurted it out to me one day while getting disciplined for some bad behavior -- two weeks after it had happened. This has created a rift between us -- I am supposed to be the father and protector. I already feel guilty enough that this happened right under my nose -- but knowing that my wife felt okay with keeping something of this magnitude from me is hard for me to understand. I mean, if she keeps something like this from me, what else is she hiding?

Obviously people are going to say that she was probably afraid of what my reaction would be. Admittedly, I have stated in the past that if anyone ever did anything to my children I would deal with them myself. However, when the predator is a thirteen year old it changes things a little bit. Not because I feel his young age somehow reduces his responsibility, but because of how society would view and deal with me if I were to take things into my own hands and do something to him.

Since this occurrence I have started checking into other things and have discovered some concerning issues, mainly lies and periods where she is unreachable -- it's like a temporary ghosting where I she doesn't answer a text for hours on end and I don't know where she is. When she does talk to me, she rambles about work and especially her older boss -- she brags about how much money he makes and how he has taken her 'under his wing'. When I asked her if there was anything else I should know, she told me about her boss at another job who kept trying to give her 'massages' in the back office but she supposedly declined. My gut is telling me something is wrong and I want to confront but don't want to push it 'underground' if there is something 'going on'. She has been quite distant of late and I am concerned. I want to protect my interests and the best interests of my children.

Any opinions as to what could be going on here? I'm trying to not be 'that husband' who is clingy and jealous, but my intuition is screaming at me to dig deeper and I'm almost afraid of what I'll find if I do.
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Old 24th February 2018, 10:05 AM   #2
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Your wife is having an affair.
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Old 24th February 2018, 12:47 PM   #3
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I would start by checking her email, text message history and check to see where she is going. That whay you will know if she is messing around on you.

Honestly, I would have a hard time trusting your wife anymore if she kept something like that from you. The two of you need counseling.

Iím sorry to hear about what happened to your son. I have a 14 year old son myself, and I would hurt anyone that would hurt hiim.
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Old 24th February 2018, 12:50 PM   #4
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Go to marriage counseling. Regardless of whether there is anything else going on or not, you've just had a shock, you're upset, and you need help handling the consequences of that. You ALSO need to improve your communication connections with your spouse, and to talk about what happens if the two of you can't trust each other.

Yes, there's a chance she's having an affair. But don't fixate on that so much that you blind yourself to everything else. Any one of these problems could become the crack that destroys you.
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Old 24th February 2018, 1:07 PM   #5
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Gather any and all information that you can on your own, you know if you
confront her without evidence she will lie if she's hiding something.
Is she protective of her phone, does she have times that you can't explain
her whereabouts, working late etc.
If you have access to her phone check it, also check phone records.

Get your son in therapy, have your in-laws foot the bill, this would tick me off.
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Old 24th February 2018, 4:39 PM   #6
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So what was the outcome to the molestation incident? If you your wife never told you what steps was she taking to deal with it before you found out? Was she trying to protect you and your son or was she trying to protect her nephew? Were the police called? Was child welfare involved?

Counselling for everyone immediately.
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Old 24th February 2018, 5:10 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by anika99 View Post
So what was the outcome to the molestation incident? If you your wife never told you what steps was she taking to deal with it before you found out? Was she trying to protect you and your son or was she trying to protect her nephew? Were the police called? Was child welfare involved?

Counselling for everyone immediately.
The outcome was that nothing was done. The police interviewed my son and said that, due to 'inconsistencies' in his interview and the age of the 'alleged' offender, no charges would be filed. Needless to say, his cousin is blacklisted from our family.

After my son told me and I confronted her, she claimed she was GOING to tell me, just not yet. I feel she was probably protecting her brother and nephew from my potential wrath and it took every ounce of self control I had to just go to the police instead of dealing with it myself. My wife felt it was more of a 'kids playing doctor' incident, but don't ask me how. There is no comparison between the mental faculties and reasoning abilities of a 13-vs-7-year-old. Child welfare was not involved however he did receive counselling.
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Old 24th February 2018, 5:14 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Lowrider93 View Post
Gather any and all information that you can on your own, you know if you
confront her without evidence she will lie if she's hiding something.
Is she protective of her phone, does she have times that you can't explain
her whereabouts, working late etc.
If you have access to her phone check it, also check phone records.

Get your son in therapy, have your in-laws foot the bill, this would tick me off.
She isn't very protective of her phone when she's here, however it is a company-issued business phone that she also uses for personal communication -- she could have another one for all I know or have some other form of communication if there is someone else. I just don't know and will NOT confront without evidence of some kind in hand. I know by doing that, if there is something going on, I will just give her a heads-up and increase her stealthiness. I have checked the phone and also did data recovery on it for deleted texts and call logs -- nothing of note was found on it -- unless I did something wrong.
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Old 24th February 2018, 5:22 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Soxfaninfl View Post
I would start by checking her email, text message history and check to see where she is going. That whay you will know if she is messing around on you.

Honestly, I would have a hard time trusting your wife anymore if she kept something like that from you. The two of you need counseling.

I’m sorry to hear about what happened to your son. I have a 14 year old son myself, and I would hurt anyone that would hurt hiim.
I am relieved someone agrees with me regarding how big of a thing that is to keep from someone who's supposed to be your husband -- and I do have a hard time trusting her after that. Whenever I bring it up she gets very defensive and tells me to 'get over it'. I had a 'friend' who stole some money from me once. I caught him, and he eventually admitted it and gave it back, but I then thought back and found that he had stolen other things from my home as well. It's like if she would keep that from her 'husband', what else is she hiding? Is that a flawed way of thinking? She always harps about how she trusts me fully and that I should trust her in turn. She blows it off (not telling me immediately) and disputes the time period between when she knew and when my son told me. She claims it was a couple of days (minimizing) but unfortunately for her I keep a journal and the family get together where 'it' happened was almost three weeks before the day my son told me -- she found out a couple of days after it happened.

And I'm sorry to ramble -- but even though at this point I have nothing conclusive -- I feel like the past twenty years of what we had is pitted and eroded. All it's going to take is a small puff of wind and the whole thing is going to come crashing down if it hasn't already. I'm anxious and sad but trying very hard not to show it.

I don't have access to her email - however she has a workstation in her office at work. She is the type of person who definitely doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve. She can be very emotionless and cunning and that absolutely serves her well in the type of job she has.

Last edited by PBS; 24th February 2018 at 5:32 PM..
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Old 24th February 2018, 6:13 PM   #10
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Your child was sexually abused and your wife knew and didn't tell you? (Not to mention going to the police in the very same day, when his memory is fresh and his testimony is accurate).

I would have sent her divorce papers through my attorney, an hour after finding out. There is no marriage for me with such a woman, and I have nothing in common with her anymore. Sorry. I can't figure out anything worse than that.

If she's a cheater, murderer, spy, all these are nothing compare to that.

Last edited by lolablue17; 24th February 2018 at 6:17 PM..
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Old 25th February 2018, 3:45 AM   #11
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You have every reason to go all out detective or hire somebody else to do it. You really need to check all email accounts, social media, chats, online phone records.

But whether or not she's actively cheating, you still have huge issues because of the priorities she's operating from - not telling you about the abuse to protect her nephew, minimizing the abuse. You two are operating from completely different sets of values. There's no trust either way. This marriage is in crisis and so the family is in crisis. I don't see how you can help your son if the two of you are not working as a team with the same goals and priorities.
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Old 25th February 2018, 6:43 AM   #12
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So have you turned your wifeís nephew into authorities yet?
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Old 25th February 2018, 6:57 AM   #13
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Yes it is a possibility that your with is cheating on you.

One of the easiest things you can do is to place a VAR in her car. Secure it under the front driver seat with velcro. Then retrieve it and see if she is talking to anyone. You can also place one in a room she uses to talk phone calls.

Do not tip her off unless you have proof. Then you need to decide if you can stay with someone that is cheating on you, it she is. If yes then confront and R. If not then just file and have her served with divorce papers.

One thing. Protect your son now. Take him by yourself and see the police. File a report and make sure they know that your wife knew and did nothing and kept it from you.
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Old 25th February 2018, 7:23 AM   #14
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Pbs, I'm with the other posters here...she could be having an affair. As you said, you need more evidence first.
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Old 25th February 2018, 7:57 AM   #15
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I'm not sure what the point of VARs is. If you've gotten to the point where you need to do that, you've already made up your mind that your marriage is over, so you may as well just file for divorce. It would make sense if you were trying to find proof so you could use it to adjust alimony, but that kind of recording is illegal in most locations so you can't actually submit it as evidence and you could get yourself in trouble.

If you think trust is shattered beyond hope already, just end it, don't drive yourself crazy playing detective. Otherwise, go to counselling and push for her to make some major changes.
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