LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Arranged marriages


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree26Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 9th February 2018, 7:43 AM   #1
Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 8,663
Arranged marriages

Anyone here whose parents had an arranged marriage?

Do/did they seem to love each other? Are they good friends?

Have you ever seen your parents kiss?

Not looking for stories of other couples you know besides your parents, in arranged marriages. Looking for direct stories about your parents.
Popsicle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 10:10 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25,444
Doubt you'll get too many answers with those restrictions. I'm probably one of the 10% here who's from a traditional culture, and even my parents (and grandparents!) chose their spouse for the most part (with parental approval).
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th February 2018, 10:20 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,885
Hi Popsicle, does own marriage count in your scheme of things? If it does then I have to say that mine was an arranged marriage of sorts with the rider that I and my wife are Christians( notionally). We would tick all the boxes you mentioned but of course age has had it's effect on us and passion has subsided to quiet levels. However, we are devoted to one another and when apart for reasons of personal work, miss each other and stay in touch on phone.

Our marriage, although bearing the hallmarks of an arranged one was not quite like an arranged marriage for our non christian counterparts. You could say we were brought together by the efforts of our relatives and liked each other. This lead to a period of long distance courtship and communication by means of snail mail and finally, after a year and a half we were married. We are now forty one years past that date and still going strong. I do not know what you were wanting to figure out about arranged marriages but that was how it was for us. Paradoxically, my parents had a love marriage as did my wife's parents. Hope this meets your requirement. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th February 2018, 10:34 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25,444
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Popsicle, does own marriage count in your scheme of things? If it does then I have to say that mine was an arranged marriage of sorts with the rider that I and my wife are Christians( notionally). We would tick all the boxes you mentioned but of course age has had it's effect on us and passion has subsided to quiet levels. However, we are devoted to one another and when apart for reasons of personal work, miss each other and stay in touch on phone.

Our marriage, although bearing the hallmarks of an arranged one was not quite like an arranged marriage for our non christian counterparts. You could say we were brought together by the efforts of our relatives and liked each other. This lead to a period of long distance courtship and communication by means of snail mail and finally, after a year and a half we were married. We are now forty one years past that date and still going strong. I do not know what you were wanting to figure out about arranged marriages but that was how it was for us. Paradoxically, my parents had a love marriage as did my wife's parents. Hope this meets your requirement. Warm wishes.

Very happy to hear that you and your wife are happy.

The technical definition of arranged marriage is "a marriage in which the husband and wife are chosen for each other by their parents", though. [Merriam-Webster] If there was any courtship at all, it isn't an arranged marriage, technically speaking. The parents have the final say in arranged marriage, and the couple usually has no private correspondence or interaction whatsoever prior to the marriage. Yours sounds like a "love marriage" except that the people who happened to introduce you to each other was your relatives (as opposed to, say, mutual friends or college).

AFAIK arranged marriages in the last century are extremely rare except in the Middle East, Africa, and some parts of South Asia.
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th February 2018, 11:05 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,885
Hi Elswyth, I agree with you that my marriage does not conform to the dictionary definition of an arranged marriage. This is why I qualified it by saying ' of sorts'. The fact is that I and my wife did not know each other from Adam. One of my uncles was very keen to see me settled although I myself was rather ambivalent about it. On my wife's side there was some sort of a connection with one of her distant uncle and aunt with this uncle of mine. Our meeting was arranged purely through correspondence and we met for all of an hour or so the first time. After that there was no contact and after we agreed to pursue the matter further, the only contact was by snail mail. We got engaged a year later which was he second time we met. Six months later we were married while we hardly knew each other except through the medium of letters. In our case our love grew at a slow and steady pace while we lived together those first few months and years.

So yes, you are right in that it was not a true arranged marriage but it did approximate one closely. I know what arranged marriages are like in the traditional sense as we have seen any number of them. I live in a nation where it is the norm although a dying norm. Hence I can say that my marriage does resemble an arranged one very closely. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th February 2018, 4:09 PM   #6
Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 8,663
Hi Just a Guy. Pretty much what Elswth defined as an arranged marriage is what I was looking for, but thank you for your response anyway.
Popsicle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th February 2018, 2:59 PM   #7
Established Member
 
dichotomy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA central
Posts: 4,538
Would be curious to see responses.

As a parent I could arrange a better potential husband for my older daughter - then she could for herself.
__________________
“Now I see that I will never find the light unless like a candle, I am my own fuel”

Last edited by dichotomy; 12th February 2018 at 3:02 PM..
dichotomy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th February 2018, 7:18 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Suburban Chicago
Posts: 433
My parents marriage was an arranged one. They were married many years ago in east Asia. They are in their 70's and still married to this day (almost 50 years).

Unfortunately, I would not define their marriage as one I would strive to mimic. Perhaps, by some measures, they should have probably divorced many many years ago. I don't think there is much, if any affection or intimacy there today.

Over the year, I witnessed abuse of all types on both sides. None of that appears to be present now, but what do I know really. . . Somehow they stuck through it.

In their traditional culture, it is how things were "typically" done.

Hell, my brother (7 years my junior) married a girl he didn't know. The families met and my brother said he didn't care for the girl he was being introduced to on the first meeting. But he did want to communicate to the other family that the younger sister was someone he would like to consider (in other words he found the younger sister attractive even though he was being introduced to the older sister). The younger sister and my brother were married just a few months after meeting. Come to find out they never physically consummated the marriage!!! They divorced (or annulled) the marriage a year later. . .

I am glad that I met my wife at work and we courted for a while before marrying. She's the love of my life. I work hard everyday to try and give her all that she needs in every way!
__________________
"Life is like a box of chocolates... You never know what your gonna get!" - Forrest Gump
She's_NotInLove_w/Me is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th February 2018, 11:42 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,885
Hi Popsicle, I am curious as to what you wanted to know or establish in the context of arranged marriages. I guess some of the other posters may have shed some more light on the subject. Could you please elaborate as to what exactly you were looking for so that we can get a better perspective on what you wanted to establish. Thanks. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th February 2018, 5:32 AM   #10
Established Member
 
merrmeade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Deep in the heart of...
Posts: 2,750
So I'm also taking exception to the restrictions, too, but I think you'll find it interesting and relevant because from the specific questions you ask - Do/did they seem to love each other? Are they good friends? Have you ever seen your parents kiss? - you seem to be asking about whether they develop real romantic love. That's why I think this story is relevant: One of my 3 children had an arranged marriage and, after 11 years, is still happily married with 2 children. They developed love for each other. They are best friends. They touch each other sometimes and exchange (I think) steamy glances. (Couples can share passion without specifically kissing in front of others, can't they?)

How we did it is a very long story and process that I have no intention or need to defend or explain beyond what's below. What's relevant to this thread is that it was arranged: They barely knew each other, but were part of the process and enthusiastic about it. Now, years later, they seem to be more into each other than most couples married that long and, more important, their affection keeps growing bigger (it could only do that) rather than getting smaller.

I didn't see them much in the early days because they were in Europe then and haven't asked details. The big picture though is the same pattern I've been told and read about arranged marriages in other parts of the world and is the reverse of western "love marriages." Instead of starting with passion, they get married and THEN fall in love. The love grows and grows as they open up to each other and make a life together. In contrast, passion, infatuation, limerence and immature hyperbole characterize the early days of many (most?) love marriages and create a fantasy bond that can't survive everyday reality. Propinquity effect is a real thing: The more frequently you interact with someone, the more likely you are to bond.

Just a note of explanation because, granted, it was not the norm:
Both kids' families (neither Asian) lived in SE Asia for different reasons, and largely assimilated into the cultures. Both interacted with educated couples and their families and felt their stable, loving, deeply affectionate relationships. These couples definitely seemed to love each other and were best friends, even if they didn't kiss publicly. My son returned to the West as a teen but continued going back and forth with my husband to work on a project. After college, his career launched, he jumped into the drinking, parties, bars, dating of the singles scene. Then one day, he announced he didn't want to marry anyone from that lifestyle (no churchgoers either) or from his professional scene or any other scene. He wanted someone who shared his background and interests and asked us to find her and arrange it. We were surprised but went through a process with some help and input from them. They had a secular French wedding.
I think they may lie to people they don't know about how they got together because of the censure they've gotten.

[The other two kids had zero interest in following this example, have found their own way and their own mates.]
merrmeade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th February 2018, 6:22 AM   #11
Established Member
 
merrmeade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Deep in the heart of...
Posts: 2,750
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
Very happy to hear that you and your wife are happy.

The technical definition of arranged marriage is "a marriage in which the husband and wife are chosen for each other by their parents", though. [Merriam-Webster] If there was any courtship at all, it isn't an arranged marriage, technically speaking. The parents have the final say in arranged marriage, and the couple usually has no private correspondence or interaction whatsoever prior to the marriage. Yours sounds like a "love marriage" except that the people who happened to introduce you to each other was your relatives (as opposed to, say, mutual friends or college).

AFAIK arranged marriages in the last century are extremely rare except in the Middle East, Africa, and some parts of South Asia.
No offense but why is Merriam-Webster the authority on arranged marriages? Just saying.

Wouldn't the details and nuances vary in different communities? And my idealized portrayal is hardly representative either in light of the importance dowry has in some areas.

I was given other simple explanations. (The "propinquity effect" is just my idea and, therefore, not representative of, well, anybody.) One was from someone who lives there (not in the west) and—even if it's an obvious truism—is straightforward and true: One reason is simply that, depending on the region, they usually have the support and example of pretty much the entire population as a very strong reinforcement. Another reason is also quite obvious: If they have similar backgrounds, values and beliefs and are imprinted with the same things that charge emotions, then the big and little decisions and changes in life will be smooth and uncontested.

But if the question is whether two people can learn to love each other deeply and romantically, and become supportive, loving friends—even if they didn't know each other initially and didn't choose the relationship—the answer seems to be yes (nevermind kissing).
merrmeade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th February 2018, 6:35 AM   #12
Established Member
 
todreaminblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: down under
Posts: 14,699
my exes mum treated me like a daughter . from south africa migrated here...to australia... her marriage was arranged and still married 60 years later....they kiss more when drinking brandy together.... they are close friends...he is her best friend.... and they do love each other.....i know intimate details...more than i should probably......i respectfully decline to divulge........deb
__________________
in the ache of night,luminous prayers take fragile flight,
somewhere between battalions of warring sins,
there exists hope and love for peace begins...deb
todreaminblue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th February 2018, 7:25 AM   #13
Member
 
yaya1289's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 31
My ex husbands parents had an arranged marriage many many years ago in South Asia. They’ve been together more than 40 years ...but are a miserable pair lol Ex MIL tells me she sticks to him because she’d rather have an old headache rather than a new one. Ex husband says he never saw love between mom and dad growing up, no affection, hugs, or kisses of any kind.
yaya1289 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th February 2018, 1:12 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25,444
Quote:
Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post
No offense but why is Merriam-Webster the authority on arranged marriages? Just saying.

Wouldn't the details and nuances vary in different communities? And my idealized portrayal is hardly representative either in light of the importance dowry has in some areas.
Because dictionaries provide a general platform for shared understanding on a subject. I mean, sure, we can all have personal definitions of any term we want, but if my personal definition does not match with the definition provided by the dictionary, I'd probably at least consider using a different term. Certainly the definition can be disputed, but I would raise this with the dictionary themselves, not on LS.

At any rate, since this thread doesn't appear to be limited to parents anymore... I'll chime in. I know a few couples (not my parents) with arranged marriages. Unfortunately, like one poster above, I did not see anything good in any of those couples. They were "stable" and remained together for a long time, sure, but that's because divorce was unheard of in their culture. The people involved, now all older with grown children, spend most of their spare time with their friends, not with their spouse. I have never seen any kind of affection between the couples. In fact, in one couple, when the wife was terminally ill and dying, the husband arranged for a female relative to care for her and flew abroad to work.

Personally I would much rather be single.

I think the degree of input and freedom of choice that the participants have with the "arranged" marriage has a huge amount of influence on its success. More input = more success. This trend has even been seen in this thread, where all of the successful "arranged" marriages that were cited actually involved some degree of input/consent on the participants' end. Unfortunately, that doesn't really speak well for the "arranged" component of the "arranged marriage", IMO.

Last edited by Elswyth; 13th February 2018 at 1:22 PM..
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th February 2018, 1:27 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25,444
Quote:
Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post

I didn't see them much in the early days because they were in Europe then and haven't asked details. The big picture though is the same pattern I've been told and read about arranged marriages in other parts of the world and is the reverse of western "love marriages." Instead of starting with passion, they get married and THEN fall in love. The love grows and grows as they open up to each other and make a life together. In contrast, passion, infatuation, limerence and immature hyperbole characterize the early days of many (most?) love marriages and create a fantasy bond that can't survive everyday reality. Propinquity effect is a real thing: The more frequently you interact with someone, the more likely you are to bond.
Why can all of this not apply to situations where someone chooses their mate, though? Not everyone experiences or even prioritizes over-the-top infatuation at the start. Nor does experiencing passion at the start preclude one from developing genuine, time-tested love that CAN stand the test of time. Developing love from spending time together can absolutely happen to couples who choose their own spouse, too.

FTR, my grandparents were married for 60+ years until my grandfather died. My grandmother changed his diapers for the last years of his life and was by his bedside when he died. She chose him; he courted her. Their parents did not play a part in the process of them meeting and falling in love, though they were involved in the engagement and wedding.

I guess I personally feel that the best "recipe" for a healthy, happy LTR is taking the components of old and new that you find best, and creating your own recipe. I would never agree with the "modern Western" definition of a marriage as just a legalized relationship that you can discard if you were turned down for sex twice or were unhappy for the last week or you met someone hot at work. On the other hand, I also disagree with the true "arranged marriages" from generations past in my culture, where the two people effectively had zero say in their partner. Relationships need work, tenacity and effort from both parties to remain happy and healthy over decades, true - but it's much easier to do that with a partner whom you have a solid foundation of compatibility, connection, and attraction with, than with a partner whom your father chose because he wanted the guy to inherit his business.

Last edited by Elswyth; 13th February 2018 at 1:41 PM..
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Do all marriages suck after 10 years? Marriages are overrated emotionlessbutalive Marriage & Life Partnerships 14 27th November 2013 12:31 AM
Second marriages founded on infidelity - against the norm for second marriages? SidLyon General Relationship Discussion 20 3rd May 2013 4:40 AM
Arranged v.s. Love Marriages Nanny The Other Man / Woman 9 1st January 2013 3:02 PM
How do arranged marriages work? Sugarkane General Relationship Discussion 8 1st March 2011 10:39 PM
Do you believe there are bad marriages and/or marriages of convenience? precious1357 The Other Man / Woman 15 10th September 2008 11:20 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:44 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.