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In Love With Different Sex Drives, My Wife Gave Me A Pass


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 25th January 2018, 9:57 PM   #16
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todreaminblue, please don't be disgusted. I appreciate your feedback, and one of the many things I've learned from my marriage is to have thick skin. :-)

Your experiences are enlightening, as I often wonder if my wife's encouragement to get my kicks with others is just a test to see if I'll do it. I squelch that thought when it enters my head, because she typically doesn't play games like that, but it sounds like the woman in your scenario may have been playing that game and the husband failed the test. Well, actually, I think she failed.

Anyway, thanks again. And yes, I guess I am a bit impulsive, definitely more so than my wife. I enjoy living and enjoying life. For me, that means often taking the road less traveled and exploring new experiences.
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Old 25th January 2018, 10:11 PM   #17
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I understand where your coming from. I too am happy at home for the most part. But we all have our needs, it’s so hard. Especially when my drive is high. I have told my husband if he is no longer interested in me, we should consider an open marriage, but he wasn’t interested. We are best friends and inseparable just lacking in that department on his side. It’s so hard at our age to meet someone that your actually physically attracted to. My fling just happened and I was quite taken back because I’d not been physically attracted to another guy in 25+ years. I would think it would be hard to look for it online and you also have to be careful for STD’s. Your in a rough situation, I understand the need. We’re getting older but geez we’re not dead yet.
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Old 25th January 2018, 10:12 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
There's a word for those actions, it's called a relationship. As in the one you already have with your wife.

If your wife didn't think you were romantic enough, would you consider having someone come over to cuddle her and whisper sweet nothings?

No, Nein, Nada, Nyet, Negatory and Nohow. What you're describing would be the end of married life as you know it.

Tell her "Thanks honey, but I prefer to put all my energy into this relationship"...

Mr. Lucky
I'm not pretending to know women inside and out, but I know my woman inside and out. If she gave me an offer like the one described by the OP, then after thinking about it I explained in just the right way that I would much rather put all my time and energy into her and our relationship, regardless of the lack of sex - it would be a HUGE turn on for her! It would definitely lead to an improvement in our trust, safety, love, etc, etc, etc. . .

An outside relationship might sound like a fantasy come true. . . I would advise anyone to approach it with an EXTREME sense of caution.

Myself, I couldn't do it. . . I'm in my mid forties and have had one sexual partner in my entire lifetime, I intend to keep it that way!
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Old 25th January 2018, 10:32 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by She's_NotInLove_w/Me View Post
I'm not pretending to know women inside and out, but I know my woman inside and out. If she gave me an offer like the one described by the OP, then after thinking about it I explained in just the right way that I would much rather put all my time and energy into her and our relationship, regardless of the lack of sex - it would be a HUGE turn on for her! It would definitely lead to an improvement in our trust, safety, love, etc, etc, etc. . .

An outside relationship might sound like a fantasy come true. . . I would advise anyone to approach it with an EXTREME sense of caution.

Myself, I couldn't do it. . . I'm in my mid forties and have had one sexual partner in my entire lifetime, I intend to keep it that way!
Okay, but I’m confused with your post and your username???
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Old 25th January 2018, 11:15 PM   #20
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Forth, stop acting like a kid in a candy store. I mean please. This all sounds great up front but think about this.
[INDENT]a) What happens when she finds a lover? How are you going to feel about that? And she wants to have as much sex with that love as she can, and any sex at home completely dries up? And she will find a lover, make no mistake.

b) What about the emotional closeness of your marriage, which is your primary relationship?

c) What if you develop feelings for another woman and actually start a relationship with her? Or what if your wife does?
Appreciated, but I think the fact that I'm coming here for feedback proves that I'm not "acting like a kid in a candy store." I've had multiple conversations with my wife about this. I've explored things (anonymously online) about this on my own. I have not acted on them – actually, actively stopped something from happening when it could have – because I'm still not right with it.

I get everything that you are saying, and I absolutely don't think anyone can replace the love (or sex) that my wife and I have for (with) each other. I cherish that.

The point is; there is a struggle that is happening within me. I originally thought that I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that my wife and I can't ever again have the sex life that we once had because of physiological issues. I was okay with that, even though I wasn't happy about it. For my wife and my family, I would soldier on and make it happen, as so-called "real men" do.

Then, out of the blue, my wife tells me, for my own sanity and health, and for (her belief) the good of the marriage, she understood my dilemma and offered me a way out ... no strings attached ... no guilt. Which, by the way, I thought was a very gracious and loving offer.

That is my struggle that I'm dealing with. I understand all of the baggage that comes with it, because I've been wrestling with it for months.

My question is, who has dealt with this? What are your experiences with it? Is this so-called "enlightened" or "European" sensibility helpful or is it a killer of marriages? Real life experience requests, not proverbs.

Sorry, I guess you can sense my frustration. It took me a long time to get to the point of discussing this with others, so I can understand how difficult it is to comprehend.

I appreciate all of the feedback.
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Old 26th January 2018, 4:01 AM   #21
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Hi Rambunctious,, you've been given a lot of good advice. Somehow, on reading through your thread, I get the feeling that you are not cut out for taking that free pass your wife is offering you. If you had been that kind you wouldn't have waited for her to say anything, you would already have been getting some on the side, namely, cheating. I think there is a lot of substance to what Todreaminblue has had say. Your marriage is not dead till it is dead!

Along with ramping up your effort at rekindling the romance, I would suggest that your wife look into using HRT creams ( under supervision of her gynaec) as a vaginal application to help overcome vaginal dryness and also boost her sexual drive. I believe apart from estrogen the male hormone testosterone also plays a part in female sexuality. It may be worth exploring. I do not know if you can get a doctor's prescription or not for this but it may be possible for you to get artificial male pheromones from a pharmacist. A subtle application of this at the appropriate time may ramp up your wife's sexual desire for you and may result in the desired hot activity that you are drooling over. If you have anyone like a sex therapist who can advise you in this matter it would help. Warm wishes.
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Old 26th January 2018, 7:35 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
There's a word for those actions, it's called a relationship. As in the one you already have with your wife.

If your wife didn't think you were romantic enough, would you consider having someone come over to cuddle her and whisper sweet nothings?

No, Nein, Nada, Nyet, Negatory and Nohow. What you're describing would be the end of married life as you know it.

Tell her "Thanks honey, but I prefer to put all my energy into this relationship"...

Mr. Lucky
OP,
please don't view my comment as criticism of you and your wife. It's more of an observation,and I could be way off.

Is it possible that you and your wife are spending so much of your energy on your careers/family life that you are both becoming somewhat drained?

There' nothing wrong with working hard and devoting lots of energy to your family. In fact, those are both very admirable traits. The problem starts when, just like with anything else, they begin to negative impact your relationship with each other. Even if you are not at work running your respective businesses, is it possible you are both still mentally "busy" with work all the time?

If so, is there some way you can scale that back and take some time where you both just focus on each other? If so, would you be okay with having the same sort of sex you did with your wife as before, just maybe not as often? Say once a week instead of several times?

I'm sorry if this is presumptuous, but it can be so easy to get caught up in "life" sometimes that you can lose sight of one another. After all you have been through, and the love it sounds like you share, I would hate to see your marriage destroyed.
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Old 26th January 2018, 7:47 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by StillRambunctious View Post
Appreciated, but I think the fact that I'm coming here for feedback proves that I'm not "acting like a kid in a candy store." I've had multiple conversations with my wife about this. I've explored things (anonymously online) about this on my own. I have not acted on them – actually, actively stopped something from happening when it could have – because I'm still not right with it.

I get everything that you are saying, and I absolutely don't think anyone can replace the love (or sex) that my wife and I have for (with) each other. I cherish that.

The point is; there is a struggle that is happening within me. I originally thought that I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that my wife and I can't ever again have the sex life that we once had because of physiological issues. I was okay with that, even though I wasn't happy about it. For my wife and my family, I would soldier on and make it happen, as so-called "real men" do.

Then, out of the blue, my wife tells me, for my own sanity and health, and for (her belief) the good of the marriage, she understood my dilemma and offered me a way out ... no strings attached ... no guilt. Which, by the way, I thought was a very gracious and loving offer.

That is my struggle that I'm dealing with. I understand all of the baggage that comes with it, because I've been wrestling with it for months.

My question is, who has dealt with this? What are your experiences with it? Is this so-called "enlightened" or "European" sensibility helpful or is it a killer of marriages? Real life experience requests, not proverbs.

Sorry, I guess you can sense my frustration. It took me a long time to get to the point of discussing this with others, so I can understand how difficult it is to comprehend.

I appreciate all of the feedback.
OP,
A while back,my husband ad I had a somewhat similar situation. There was a sexual act he really wanted to try. I did not, as I (a) found it unpleasant to even think about and (b) even if I wanted to, for physical reasons, that just isn't going to happen with me.

We talked about it for a while, and finally decided to hire a professional sex trade worker. She came over, they did their thing, and afterwards, she stayed for a little while and we ended up talking. She was a nice lady, and I was able to give her some advice about one of her young relatives who's autistic. She explained that she is an escort of her own free will, and does enjoy it.

After she left, we talked and deiced it was something we never wanted to do again. It left both of us feeling pretty bad, and it took some time to get past it, even though it was something we had both agreed on and he hadn't pushed me into agreeing with it.

My point is that seeking sex outside your marriage, even if you both agree to it,is not right for everyone, and sometimes, it can do more harm than good. I would suggest you try and find a way, within your own relationship, to solve the problem.
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Old 26th January 2018, 9:14 AM   #24
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I'm of the thought that she doesn't want sex with you.

A. Her lack of desire with you,
B. Her suggestion that you have sex with other people (most likely so she can too)
C. The discussion of swinging...really? That seems contrary to her menopause issue.

Something is going on more than menopause...I can't put a finger on it, but if you don't, your next threads have a good chance of being in the divorce or infidelity forums.
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Old 26th January 2018, 9:47 AM   #25
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Thanks everyone for the helpful feedback.
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Old 26th January 2018, 10:01 AM   #26
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I'm of the thought that she doesn't want sex with you.

A. Her lack of desire with you,
B. Her suggestion that you have sex with other people (most likely so she can too)
C. The discussion of swinging...really? That seems contrary to her menopause issue.

Something is going on more than menopause...I can't put a finger on it, but if you don't, your next threads have a good chance of being in the divorce or infidelity forums.
Thanks. I believe I’ve/we’ve addressed all of these issues in prior posts within this thread. Yes, we have an unconventional marriage, we both understand that and aside from the sex issue, it works for us. Everyone is healthy and successful. That frankly has to account for something. I’m confident we’ll figure out what’s best for all of us, but the kids will always be in our focus. I’ll continue to fight to make it all work until it doesn’t anymore. I can only do the best I can with the situation I’m in.
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Old 26th January 2018, 10:21 AM   #27
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One issue that I do not think has been brought up is that your wife specifically suggested you have sex with others as long as it's "just sex". What is "just sex", and how do you reconcile it with the fact that you need to be intellectually attracted to someone to go through with it?

Your wife also doesn't like dealing with feelings, which means she may not have processed the emotional implications of this arrangement all the way through.

I think it will be difficult for both of you to manage the emotional side of things in a way that is supportive to the marriage if you go through with this. I predict you will develop feelings for a woman you sleep with, while your wife either discovers her jealousy/ built up resentment, or shuts down further emotionally.

You seem to have a good marriage outside the (relatively recent) sex issue. Some situations are laden with too much risk. Proceed with cautioun.
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Old 26th January 2018, 10:53 AM   #28
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Before you go any further, I suggest that your wife consult a hormone specialist. She may regain some of her drive with estradiol patches, progesterone supplements, and/or compounded testosterone cream. Which combination is best for her depends on other factors and side effects, if any. You may find that you don't need a hall pass if this works.

We have had an open relationship for 18 years. We also agreed early on that either of us would be free to pursue sex elsewhere if one of us were unable or unwilling (e.g., due to unfixable loss of libido) to have sex as often as the other needed.

[We're also open to polyamorous relationships, if we develop feelings for someone else while pursuing sex - we're so compatible and so deeply love each other that we have no concern that we'd split up by bringing in another partner. Not everyone could handle this level of relationship, of course, and I am not suggesting it.]

We've also experimented with this just for variety (we both have very high sex drives, and like the novelty of new lovers occasionally). I will say that it can be very difficult for a married man to find partners just for sex, whereas women have no trouble whatsoever unless they're very unattractive. Even on swinger sites, most males have no success - the few that do are usually very attractive and very social, and good at MFM threesomes. It can happen, but the successes can be few, and far between. I've done fairly well, but it's inconsistent.

Anyway, the bottom line is that it can work, but it isn't easy. If there's another solution, such as hormone therapy for her, that should be pursued first.
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Old 26th January 2018, 11:54 AM   #29
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This really sounds like she's using a low sex drive to wriggle out of having sex with you more than anything, especially since she first gave you a hall pass then brought up swinging. Which someone with no sex drive should not be interested in. And given how much you say you love her, want sex with her, how you much value faithfulness etc. Just imagine her denying you this while lying beneath another man. Would you really be able to handle this?

As for giving you a "go ahead", sexual dimorphism is a thing. It's harder and more tiresome for men to get laid on a casual basis. Much more so when they're in a commited relationship. Something I doubt she's unaware of. She just dumped the whole "low sex drive" thing in your ball court. By now being able to go "well, I gave you a choice" while simultaneously laying the foundation for straying herself or justifying it if she has already done so.

Other people have said these things do not add up and I absolutely agree with them. Something here is really off and it seems you're the last person to find out.
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Old 26th January 2018, 12:21 PM   #30
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This really sounds like she's using a low sex drive to wriggle out of having sex with you more than anything, especially since she first gave you a hall pass then brought up swinging. Which someone with no sex drive should not be interested in.
Well, I don't really agree with this. Even people with low sex drive can sometimes get excited by the prospect of sex with someone new. It may not last, or they may seldom want to repeat such an experience, but it can still be exciting occasionally.
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