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I want to fight for my wife.... But don't know how


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Old 22nd January 2018, 8:59 AM   #16
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You have this all backwards. She cheated. She needs to be the one fighting to keep you because she betrayed you. You are the victim here. She has not apologized to you for cheating. She has said that she wants to continue seeing him & that you are relegated to the couch. Oh geeze.

I'm sorry but in your situation she should be the one on the couch & you should be kicking her out to go be with her lover. You should be fighting to keep your house & your kid.

You deserve better. Find your spine & your manhood. Stop groveling at the feet of this selfish B

Go see a lawyer & get into therapy. You can't save something that she is hellbent on smashing to pieces. Also read up on gaslighting. She is trying to make this all your fault when she is the lying, cold, untrustworthy cheater.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 10:01 AM   #17
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Sigh, I find it hard to read these posts anymore. It reminds me of myself too much - 16 years ago when my first marriage started to end. I am embarrassed how I felt and acted, but I could not help it.

The only words of wisdom and experience I can offer now - is fight for yourself, standup and be a strong man, except no B.S or crumbs from her. Respect yourself.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 10:28 AM   #18
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Hurts to hear, but I knew it all along. When you research her issues it tells you she is not the same and it's not on purpose, but it felt the whole time like all was my fault. I think what triggered this is that I thought she was dead. Had to give dental records to the cops. It was a nightmare.... I talk to my therapist this week and see was he advices. Dunno what to do and how fast. It will destroy the boy. Right now she is somekind of monster who hurts everyone around her. Whoever came back that morning, it's not the woman I married, it's like ****ing mr.hyde
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Old 22nd January 2018, 11:50 AM   #19
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I'm so sorry for you. I'm glad you are in therapy. Your son will survive. He will not be destroyed. Just keep some of the nastier stuff away from him & get him into a teen divorce support group so he can vent with other kids his age.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 12:29 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoul2515 View Post
First of all thank you for your answers.

After reading my thread, I see that I left out some details.

We have a son, he is 13. When we clashed that night I was very loud. She told me afterwards that she fear that he heard me, telling her to pull the trigger on me. That is what made her go beserk. She said right now she is scared the way I am and was. She told me before this massive fight she thought we had it worked out and that I would give her time.

Also I know for sure that she is depressed and apparently in a midlife crisis at the same time. Not from her, thru researching.

Yes she cheated and yes she will see this guy again, but this is not my wife right now, she changed. I am still taking care of my son and shelter him as good as I can from everything.

I also had the thoughts that she will use whatever to justify the situation, but honestly,she could have just kicked me out. The situation we/I are in would made it easy for her. I know that she loves the boy and she would not let him be with me if she was done or hated me or else. Even if she is not my wife right now,she still loves him more than anything.

Thank you for your honest answers, but this just going on since 7 days and I still want to fight somehow. There are moments where I see my wife and not this cold thing. She is in there,but I don't know how to get her back. Most people say time and that's ok,I just wonder if she See's him again, how can I compete with this, because for him it easy to make her happy, he doesn't share a live with all responsibility's in it, he just has too fill a couple of hours.

I don't know who he is. I know his first name and seen his picture but that is all. I can't get her phone,since I am now on the couch...
op,
my spouse had an affair when he was mentally ill ( combat related PTSD), but you know what? Even he admits he was in full knowledge of what was right and wrong. He chose to have an affair. That's incredibly painful, but it's the truth.

That is the same for your wife. I'm not saying she wasn't having some sort of emotional crisis, but she could have handled it in some other way.

She chose not to. She chose to selfishly pursue this other guy, sleep with him and is continuing to kick you while you are down.

Her trying to make you feel guilty about your son? That's absolutely one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. She was the one who dragged this affair to your doorstep, and the fallout on your son rests on her shoulders. Where was her concern for him whole she was sleeping with this other guy? My guess? it wasn't even on her radar.

I know you love her, but that doesn't mean she gets to walk all over you, sleep around and then come back whenever she has all of this out of her system ( or this other guy dumps her) Tell her that you are not going to wait for her while she sows her wild oats. You will start the process of moving on,and the only two choices she has right now are whether or not she wants to leave completely or dump this other guy and fully commit to repairing your marriage. there is no third choice, and you may or may not take her back. That will depend on how she acts.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Know that, whether or your marriage survives, better days are ahead ( also, there are lots of women out there who don't cheat)
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Old 22nd January 2018, 12:34 PM   #21
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Drop whatever your doing and go see a lawyer, seriously.Your being forced into an open marriage whether you want it or not. Your son will always be your son, cheating wives who openly date other men can be fired and replaced. Move her stuff out of your bedroom, do not have sex with her because they always lie about using protection. Do not finance her affair, change your banking. You need to be willing to loose your marriage in order to save it. Begging is not an attractive trait, she will just walk all over you. Read up on "The 180" and implement the traits immediately. It will make you feel strong and give you back control of yourself again.

There are many things far worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is at the top of the list. If she isn't 100% into you and your marriage stop wasting time on her because you can not control the outcome. The goal is to take yourself out of infidelity as quickly as you can, that may mean she is not part of your future. It is better you find out now rather then wasting years as her back up. Expose her affair, does the o/m have a wife or girlfriend, tell her what's going on. The very next thing you need to say to your wife is that she is free to see any man she wants, just not as your wife. There is only one way to stop this craziness and that is to take yourself out of her games, talk to a lawyer, put her on notice and what ever you do don't back down. What's the worst that can happen? You do nothing and stay her cuckold.

Last edited by aliveagain; 22nd January 2018 at 12:36 PM..
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Old 22nd January 2018, 1:28 PM   #22
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Lost soul
All of us here are walking, or have walked in your shoes,
You won't lose your soul but you will find out what you are made of.
Having hope for, and lying to yourself are pretty much the
the same thing right now for you.
It's ok to be concerned for your son, just show him your love,
he'll be alright.
I hate to see anybody get played, especially from someone
who claims to love them.
I wish all the Karma that life has to offer your spouse.

One thing that you absolutely can not at any cost lose is your Dignity!

Promise us.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 2:19 PM   #23
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Thank you all for your kind and harsh words. I needed that!

All this time i was fighting my demons. I thought they make me loose her and make me suffer. But then those demons started to answer my posts..... And i looked and them and everything became clear. Those thoughts and all you said.... those are no demons... they are Love,Dignity,Consciousness,Strenght and Reality.

The whole time i was listening to the demons... dragged into this web. Ready to give myself up, loose all i am into pain and fear. Taking all the guilt in and not only for what i am guilty, no, for the whole damn world.

It hurts and it is hard not to give in into this false hope, but i have to stay strong. If not for myself, then for my son. It is hurting him and it will break him if i can't be strong for him.

Tonight i will talk to her. She knows i changed. Right now i don't know if she still is that cold monster that thinks i am caught in the lies and the guilt or if somehow my wife fought her way back. She just told me she loves me and she always will.... It feels great but it hurts the same time. If her words are true, she will have to take some of the pain and show me that she doesn't want to loose this, loose us. There is no more me fighting for her, it will only work if she can stand up and take all the **** like i do and fight with me.

I will keep you posted because all of you helped me so much and showed me that i am not alone.

From my deepest heart.... THANK YOU
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Old 22nd January 2018, 8:24 PM   #24
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op,
love can be the most wonderful thing in the world...but the way she is treating you isn't about love. In fact, it's about disrespect. She is being incredibly disrespectful to both you and your son.

If this is truly a function of some mental health issue she is having, then insist that she seek help.

I've been where you are, and I remember the spinning, out of control feeling. It's like you are a leaf floating along in a raging river, desperate to hold onto anything.

On of the best things you can do for yourself right now is to begin arming yourself with knowledge. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options, rights and responsibilities are. Monitor your finances and make sure she is not using any of them for her affair. If you have any good male friends or fmaily members you can trust, seek support form them. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and if you feel you are still spinning, talk to your doctor.

Another piece of advice is to spend some time thinking about is what sorts of conditions you will need to have met should your wife wish to return. I would assume cutting off all contact with this other guy would be at the top, but how about others like marriage counseling, a timeline of the affair ( if that's something you feel you need), that she draft a no-contact letter and you get to ensure she sends it, complete access to her hone, email,social media, etc. ( and hers to your as well). Whatever you feel you need you should ask for, and make sure she understands that this is fluid and your needs can change over time.

None of this automatically mans "divorce", but you will be able to face the situation from a position of strength, which will allow you to make decisions that are the best for you, your son and even your wife.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 3:23 AM   #25
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I am so sorry this happened to you. Because of my years of military, maybe my view of things is quite different from the norm. This travesty is being committed against you by someone you trusted. STOP begging, stop crying and get MAD and get COLD. No battle, whether on the battlefield or in a domestic situation like yours has ever been won by fighting from a position of weakness. Sir, your position, at present, is about as weak as it can get. She has already figured out that she can do anything she wants and you will beg her not to and offer her anything. She already knows approximately what you are going to do next. You are being manipulated like a puppet and she is pulling the strings. So do something that she least expects. Pack a bag, tell her to care for your son and leave. Tell her you are going to see an attorney(and really go see one) and you don't know if or when you will be coming back. Protect yourself financially. People like your wife has forgotten one very important fact. You can replace her just as fast as she replaced you. When I had my domestic situation I was in Southeast Asia, 10000 miles from home. I had already started making arrangements to go from Asia to Europe and not even come home. A family tragedy forced me to return and by considerable work things turned out great. The point is I was willing to give it all up and walk away. If how you are being treated is the way your life is going to go from now on then get out before your self respect and manhood is completely destroyed. Some advice; when someone breaks my trust and I can no longer trust them, then they can no longer trust me. In the end, the only one that can help you is you. Sorry but reading your story made me angry for you. I do wish you well.

Last edited by oldlion; 23rd January 2018 at 3:26 AM..
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Old 23rd January 2018, 11:56 AM   #26
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She says she loves you? Really? And you buy this...
Please remember, another man's penis went into her vagina. Period. To be blunt, you have to be honest. Her idea of love is twisted. You had a moment of mania, as well you should have...Your life was turned upside down. But now, you have clarity and should realize you are worth so much more. And all the folks here have the best intentions for you. They want you OUT of infidelity.

Your soon to be XWW loves manipulation and cuckoldry. She enjoys your pain and wants to keep you around to get her fix. Sick! That alone is some hannibal lecter ish right there....

Hard 180, go NC. And get an attorney. You are worth so much more than this bag of crap she just gave you.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 12:17 PM   #27
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You seriously need to get away from this woman. She is warped.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 12:32 PM   #28
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I talked to her yesterday. I told her i am not taking all the guilt anymore. It is killing me physically (lost 15 pounds in a weak) and mentally. I also told her the only this works if we do it together. I told all those talks were bull**** and this is the last one now.

I was prepared for what was coming. She started to shift the guilt back. She focused on me going nuts and using the gun as a sign. Scared,need time, abuse...bla bla bla. I took it and told her that the decision is then made. I told her that she walked out of the house that day, but i feel she never came back.

I think she somehow realized that this was not me apologizing for her **** and it was also not me begging and telling her i wait forever. She then got hurt? mad? sad? I dunno no anymore how to tell what she feels or who she is.

I noticed she had no ring on. When i confronted her she said it slipped of and she forgot it on the desk... I knew the rings was getting too big, but i also knew that she never took it of and once when it slipped of she panicked. So there was another sign....... At the end i took my ring of and placed it in the middle console. As a sign.

This morning she called and told me to buy a bed because sleeping on the couch sucks and she wants me to be comfy.... What a madness.... I told her not to worry about me anymore. I told her that she can now pursue her goals and be free. She said she worried and she don't ever want me to leave no matter what. I told her that the only way for us is when we fight together, but it means sacrifices. I told i am not sitting her weeks waiting while she is doing whatever and then one day gives me the grace to touch her or some Bull****. I told her i am not walking behind you in the shadows, until you call me back like a dog. I told that will find a job and get on my feet and somehow our son will slowly learn and adapt.

She seemed very upset, but again, i can't tell you what she feels or thinks. After all she did to me, all the pain she kept inflicting over and over, all the guilt she made me take... I can't think of anything good. This here sucks and makes me crazy.

I just walked in the bedroom to write this and on the bed in the corner i saw a sex toy.............. that sting in my heart hurt so bad. The thought that wile i was living out there like a dog and trying to make my son happy, dying inside
and she is in here having some phone/skype whatever sex with this piece of **** ..... ****ing hurts. Dunno were to go now and how to focus. Somehow i need to move on and right now i guess hate helps a lot.

The dude btw. is out of reach for me. All is in her phone and i have no means to get my hands log enough on it to see his number. All i have is his name and i seen his pic. Yes exposing him to his wife (if he has one) would feel great, but it is not an option.

Thank you all for being here... at least i know i am not all alone!
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Old 23rd January 2018, 12:34 PM   #29
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I mean seriously..."I'm going to continue seeing OM and you can't do anything about it..." Then, when asked about quitting the marriage..."I don't know".

She does know. She wants to regale herself in your pain and relish her indiscretion and infidelity. Wacked!
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Old 23rd January 2018, 12:47 PM   #30
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Why are you on the couch if she is the one who cheated?
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