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I want to fight for my wife.... But don't know how


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Old 21st January 2018, 9:27 PM   #1
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I want to fight for my wife.... But don't know how

Hi,

I am right now in a very dark hole. I don't know if I lost my wife or not. I hear those damn voices in my head telling all this negative stuff and preventing me from clear thoughts.

Here is my story:

Last Saturday I found out that my wife cheated on me. My whole world fell appart. I never would've thought anything like this. My wife was always my soulmate, my second half. This was not her, she was always such a perfect loving person. She doesn't smoke,drink or party the whole night. Most of the time (like 99%) we spent together, so she also had not like a bunch of kontakt.
I was shocked and hurt. She called me and I thought she would cry and ask for forgiveness like in a Hollywood movie. But she didn't. She was almost mad and told me we talk when she is home, whenever that would be. After she came home we had a talk. She apologized but also said she needed this and that it was sex and that she needed to do this and that it was a special obsession.
She told me she still love me and that I should not fear. I was out of my mind, but not in anger,in fear,the fear to loose her. The next days were strange for me, she wanted time with me,but she also acted sometimes cold, like nothing happened. We had more talks and I went into pure desperation,the whole program from begging to crying... I expected her to somehow react to it, but it didn't happend. I learn that she has depressions and that a lot of things I've done over the years had hurt her badly. I didn't do it in purpose,but I also ignored all signs.

Then it all became a nightmare last Thursday. She was so extremely cold that day and the pain and fear grew into pure madness. We got loud and I snapped, I told her instead of killing me slowly,why doesn't she just get the gun and end it, pull the trigger. In that moment she lost it, she wanted to leave the room,but I held her,I cried and begged her not to go. She told me to get my hands of her and left the house. She sat into the car locked the door and called someone will crying. I was in shock, my desperate and stupid metaphor was meant to express my love for her, but instead it made her go bersek. I left the house and later came back. She was furious,told me that I f'ed up totally and that from now I can stay on the couch, for now we are roommates. She also told me that she will see this guy again, but that this is not my concern anymore. I asked her if she wants a divorce and she said that she is not sure. Then over the course of the next days we talked a bit more. She told me that she doesn't want me to leave the house, I can stay on the couch. She also said she didn't know if this will work again. I am now for her on the level of dating. She said I scared her so much,she can't get over it right now. She told me that she still feels for me and love me,but right now she wants no bodily contact. She also will leave nextfriday with this guy because he wants a new couch and ask her if she wants to come with him. She will be back Saturday.

I told her that I will give her all freedom and time she needs right now. I think she has bad depression's and maybe even a midlife crisis.

Right now I am dying inside. I want to fight,but I don't know how. I heard she needs her time now and I respect that. My biggest pain is,that she is texting that dude on daily basis and that so soon she goes back to him. I don't know how to fight this? I mean he is the damn saviour right now and I am the guy who scared her and made feel bad... How can I win this????????? We spent some time together yesterday and today and it was hard for,but she said she had a good time. She also told me she loves me. She said she doesn't know what is going on right now,it is like she flipped a switch and now everything is different.

How can I fight? What can I do... She is here but still so far. She is the love of my life, I can't imagine to be without her.... How can I fight this stranger and the depressions and her crisis. How can I show her that I love her more than anything in the world...... It hurts so bad
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Old 21st January 2018, 9:39 PM   #2
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First of all your begging, crying and pleading just pushed her farther away. Women are not very attracted to weak men. Unles you can get strong and cut out the crybaby act you have zero chance.

You are living in fear she's going to leave you? Don't because she already has.

Never leave your home and put her ass on the couch and out of your bedroom.

Make sure you expose the affair to the other mans wife immediately without any warning. Exposure is your only weapon better plan it out and use it.

You don't wake up and get strong here you'll just be in worse shape.

You are telling her you're willing to share her with her boyfriend by your lack of actions.

Tell her to either stop the affair or leave. She's rubbing this in your face. You know why? Because you let her.

You have to be willing to end this marriage to have any hopes of saving it.

Better wake up!!!!!

Last edited by Marc878; 21st January 2018 at 9:42 PM..
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Old 21st January 2018, 9:44 PM   #3
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You need to immediately go into a hard 180 no contact.

If it was me I'd file for D. She's blatantly told you she's going to openly see him to your face.

There is nothing to save here.

Except yourself!!!!!
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Old 21st January 2018, 9:48 PM   #4
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She doesn't worth fighting for.
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Old 21st January 2018, 9:52 PM   #5
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How do you fight for her? You don't. What you do is bit your bottom lip and start to move away from her emotionally.

Eat, drink water, go to the gym and start living your life like she isn't a part of it.

You see, right now, your wife will use any and all of your actions to justify her behavior. She wants to be with that guy, then make it easy for her, tell her to go to him, but she can't go back and forth. You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held, and you can't lay down and allow her to abuse you. Start making decisions, go see a lawyer ASAP, start the divorce proceedings (they can always be stopped or put on hold) .
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:19 PM   #6
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First of all thank you for your answers.

After reading my thread, I see that I left out some details.

We have a son, he is 13. When we clashed that night I was very loud. She told me afterwards that she fear that he heard me, telling her to pull the trigger on me. That is what made her go beserk. She said right now she is scared the way I am and was. She told me before this massive fight she thought we had it worked out and that I would give her time.

Also I know for sure that she is depressed and apparently in a midlife crisis at the same time. Not from her, thru researching.

Yes she cheated and yes she will see this guy again, but this is not my wife right now, she changed. I am still taking care of my son and shelter him as good as I can from everything.

I also had the thoughts that she will use whatever to justify the situation, but honestly,she could have just kicked me out. The situation we/I are in would made it easy for her. I know that she loves the boy and she would not let him be with me if she was done or hated me or else. Even if she is not my wife right now,she still loves him more than anything.

Thank you for your honest answers, but this just going on since 7 days and I still want to fight somehow. There are moments where I see my wife and not this cold thing. She is in there,but I don't know how to get her back. Most people say time and that's ok,I just wonder if she See's him again, how can I compete with this, because for him it easy to make her happy, he doesn't share a live with all responsibility's in it, he just has too fill a couple of hours.

I don't know who he is. I know his first name and seen his picture but that is all. I can't get her phone,since I am now on the couch...
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:34 PM   #7
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You're just making excuses. If it's what you want, to be abused and mistreated I'm not sure any of us here can help you. Once you decide to look out for yourself then we can help you, good luck.
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:47 PM   #8
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First step:

How did your WW meet the OM?

How did you find out?
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:58 PM   #9
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How she met him is a mystery, since she never went out alone. It could be just online.

How I found out is that she had no idea to pull of such a thing and just wasn't a good liar. She left Saturday and then was missing for hours. Since she never ever did (always a text or a call) I got so scared that I called 911. After 4 hours the sherrifs found her in that hotel.
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Old 21st January 2018, 11:32 PM   #10
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Even I didnít realise this before but if you want her back, you have to go NC. Thatís the only way itís going to happen unless youíre fine with her having a bf.
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Old 21st January 2018, 11:40 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
You need to immediately go into a hard 180 no contact.

If it was me I'd file for D. She's blatantly told you she's going to openly see him to your face.

There is nothing to save here.

Except yourself!!!!!
^^^^^
This. She's convinced she can have a boyfriend and you'll stay with her. So, she's going to do it. Why wouldn't she?

Save yourself from more humiliation. I believe if you allow her to have this bf and give her time, you'll not only lose her but you'll suffer death by a thousand paper cuts as you do so.
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Old 21st January 2018, 11:41 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoul2515 View Post

Also I know for sure that she is depressed and apparently in a midlife crisis at the same time. Not from her, thru researching.

No excuse!!!

Yes she cheated and yes she will see this guy again, but this is not my wife right now, she changed. I am still taking care of my son and shelter him as good as I can from everything.

It is a part of who she is. You’re in denial

Thank you for your honest answers, but this just going on since 7 days and I still want to fight somehow. There are moments where I see my wife and not this cold thing. She is in there,but I don't know how to get her back. Most people say time and that's ok,I just wonder if she See's him again, how can I compete with this, because for him it easy to make her happy, he doesn't share a live with all responsibility's in it, he just has too fill a couple of hours.

Denial won’t get you s thing. This is who she is now

I don't know who he is. I know his first name and seen his picture but that is all. I can't get her phone,since I am now on the couch...
Find out. Go online and track him by his Phone number. Then expose and file for D

She cheats and puts you on the couch. Zero respect because you have none for yourself. Why???

Your wife is a typical wayward cheater. Nothing special except she had no shame.

You are paralyzed by fear. Until you get out of that you’ll stay where you are.

Last edited by Marc878; 22nd January 2018 at 12:01 AM..
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Old 22nd January 2018, 12:58 AM   #13
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Most people in this situation believe that fighting for
their marriage will make everything ok again. Wrong.
If you don't stand up to her and tell her what she did was bs,
she will walk all over you.
Since she cheated on you and says she will continue to
see this man it's more than likely she has already checked
out of the marriage.
The only thing you may have left is respect for yourself.

If you are weak you will lose, guaranteed.

Depression does not give anyone the right to cheat on their spouse!

You will always be second best. That sucks.

Do what is best for you.

Good luck
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Old 22nd January 2018, 2:06 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
You need to immediately go into a hard 180 no contact.

If it was me I'd file for D. She's blatantly told you she's going to openly see him to your face.

There is nothing to save here.

Except yourself!!!!!
You can't help her - that's her job.

You can only help yourself - and I suggest you do that... especially when she intends to focus on another man instead of you!

I doubt your marriage vows included - I promise to love and honor you until I meet someone I'm more interested in.

Let her go... he can support her from here moving forward!
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Old 22nd January 2018, 3:20 AM   #15
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She doesn't care about you at all, only herself. Knowing that, her behavior makes sense.

Since you have shown no strength and no balls, she immediatelly understood that she can do what ever she likes and will get away with everything. She saw that you will forgive EVERYTHING! Including her going to f*** the other man on fridyay. She knows you will welcome her on saturday when she comes back.

If she knew that her behavior causes consequences, if she knew she will pay a huge price, as a one that is thinking only about herself, she would act differently - In order to take care of herself. Right now she's doing fine. She has a puppy husband at home, and a whole world of fun out there, without losing anything.

If you start growing balls, act firmly and quickly, she will be surprised. She will have to start rethinking her rout. It may push her away, but not more than she's already distance now. You need to see a lawyer immediatelly. Only big actions have the chance to have some influence on her. Because right now you have zero effect. You're nothing to her.
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