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Wife thinks she may love another man


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Old 19th January 2018, 12:50 AM   #16
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You forgot the step where he divorces her first, after looking for evidence that something questionable is going on. Her bringing this up is a huge red flag. It might be her laying the grounds to explain away things she couldn't otherwise.

This shouldn't be about saving the marriage anymore, it should be about him mitigating damage to himself, getting out and finding a partner who actually LOVES HIM and not someone else they couldn't get.
I think if she did already cheat she would have told me. I mean if the roles were revered I wouldn’t have said anything unless I was ready to divorce. We talked some more and from what she’s saying it’s like she wouldn’t leave the marriage to be with him she’d leave because she was worried about what she would do to me if she stayed

I just wish I could make her realize we all get boring after awhile and that if her and this guy were meant to be they would have been together already...
I’m wondering why he didn’t pursue her earlier in life. She is very attractive
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:06 AM   #17
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Right.

If he wanted her, he would have been with her. They would have been together long before you came into the picture.

Now that I think of it, him not wanting her may be part of the reason. Some people have a hard time dealing with rejection. Want things we cannot have.

Who knows what is the reason?

The question is can you two have a quality relationship. Can you be husband and wife to each other in a way that respects and fulfills both?
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:31 AM   #18
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I can't advice you what to do because it's so personal. I can only say that If I was you I couldn't have survived this. There is no reality in the world I could have stayed.

How should I over come a situation in which I know My wife has just used me? That she stood there in the wedding seramony, looked into my eyes and lied to me right there, and continued to lie all along?

She had some calculations in her head why this marriage might work, but she made an experiment, and I was and am the mouse in this experiment. And now she says that this experiment failed.

You are blinded by the fact that she is honest now with you, but It doesn't araise the years she was constantly lying.

Sorry man. for me marriage is a huge shared valuable , not a tool you use to achieve some individual goal. This marriage is a deception.
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Old 19th January 2018, 10:48 AM   #19
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Set her free. You can be kind, but you need to have some boundaries for yourself. I personally went with the line of "I am selfish, and only want a partner all for me." "I want my wife to think I am #1 and a super hero". Sadly, your W does not. It sucks but atleast you are not so invested that much time and effort were put into this.

As for finding out if she is already in affair-landia...You already got a gift from her. She told you she wants to explore another man. That should be a deal breaker for marriage. You don't need to do the pain shopping of finding out how many men have been inside her, and what crazy crap she does with others and not you... Just let it go, and find your special someone who looks to you like a devoted wife should look.
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Old 19th January 2018, 11:45 AM   #20
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Hi Tetris, your situation is really sad. I have a question for you. Has your wife offered you a divorce based on her feelings for this other guy? If she has I would take her up on her offer with the proviso that she should try out a relationship with this guy and if it does not work out and she is able to extinguish her feelings for him then, if you are not in a committed relationship by then and she is able to make you the number one guy in her life, that you two could start dating again and see where it goes. This is, of course a very long shot but by its very nature something that will safeguard your interests. Just a thought. Warm wishes.
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:22 PM   #21
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Just a guy, normally I would say yeah that...But because she already HAD known the OM, and she never fully disclosed that to the OP. She has him labeled as plan B. Also, I feel that going into marriage, there should not have been something this important hidden. Kinda like lying through omission...

Does he see a "awesome" life with a wife (rhyming sucks) that settled "down" for him? I couldn't do it. And how does the intimacy thing swing as well now that this is all out in the open?
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:49 PM   #22
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If my husband told me this I'm afraid if I didn't go for a divorce ...I'd become less committed and probably only hang around till I found someone else I wanted to start dating.

That's just me though.
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'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:04 PM   #23
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Isn't settling ... down ... the norm? Simply taking the best option available at the time.

When a "better option" comes along - whether it was an unavailable option she knew before or someone she just discovered - you're at a disadvantage either way.

It's a fact of life. Something we all face. Men and women get replaced by what their SO thinks is a better option all of the time. It's a threat in every relationship.

The critical point is the decision to stay or leave. Not whether she knew him before or met someone afterward. While our egos may be hurt, what's really important is how committed each is to the relationship. If either is not really committed, then the relationship is doomed no matter when the "better option" came along.

However, if both are truly committed to their marriage then "better options" are mere distractions. Distractions that all relationships face.
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:09 PM   #24
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I think if she did already cheat she would have told me. I mean if the roles were revered I wouldn’t have said anything unless I was ready to divorce. We talked some more and from what she’s saying it’s like she wouldn’t leave the marriage to be with him she’d leave because she was worried about what she would do to me if she stayed

I just wish I could make her realize we all get boring after awhile and that if her and this guy were meant to be they would have been together already...
I’m wondering why he didn’t pursue her earlier in life. She is very attractive
The two of you haven’t been together long enough to be bored with each other.

She wouldn’t leave the marriage to be with him so what will she do to you if she stays?

Was your wife rejected by him and now all her feelings for him have come flooding back?

You need to know exactly what happened between the two of them.

Is he dominate over her for their past relationship, this can happen when there in a strong physical attraction form their past relationship.

Is she scared that if he pursues her she will cheat? That it’s beyond her self control.
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:23 PM   #25
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Well, from experience this type of situation I marry someone while there's that someone else that never left my heart and mind is never a really good situation.

Maybe try to go to marriage counseling together, and make a pact that you'll tell each other the truth no matter what. Better to be sad for a while than lied to forever. Help her understand that you need to have some type of assurance that either it's over with the guy or if not you need to know.
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:32 PM   #26
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The two of you haven’t been together long enough to be bored with each other.

She wouldn’t leave the marriage to be with him so what will she do to you if she stays?

Was your wife rejected by him and now all her feelings for him have come flooding back?

You need to know exactly what happened between the two of them.

Is he dominate over her for their past relationship, this can happen when there in a strong physical attraction form their past relationship.

Is she scared that if he pursues her she will cheat? That it’s beyond her self control.
I pressed her for more information regarding the relationship and she was reluctant. I can see why now. I guess she and this guy have been like wildly attracted to each other since they were freshman in high school.

She mentioned they never technically dated but they have hooked up. Last time was right before we started dating (she says). They basically had always kept in contact —even while we were dating.

The moment we got engaged she “came to her senses“ and made a choice to be with me. I was who she saw her future with. Anyway apparently after she stopped responding her began to pursue her (romantically) and she either ignored him or made up excuses. Why didn’t she tell him she was married?
He stil has no Idea apparently. Maybe he’s interested in her now that she’s blown him off for so long.

I know the women I had intense sexual relations before marriage only stayed in that box. I never would have come back to pursue them romantically.

She was really upset. I don’t think she thought he would fade away over time. Obviously he hasn’t. I’m so angry and upset but I also feel like asking her to stay will just cause her to resent me. This is so messed up
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:54 PM   #27
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Be prepared for the mental gymnastics to be used to justify this behavior. Seriously. You stated that she didn't think things would end with him, even while you two were married? What exactly does that mean?
And to RSC..What exactly would MC do to help? Maybe IC for both, but she obviously has doubts about her situation now, and he has doubts of her integrity. Mind you she only recently spilled more info when fully pressed about the OM.
I fear there is some trickle truth concerning your position in this relationship with her. She isn't coming clean yet...
Also, with the "they didn't date seriously, just hooked up" bit...RED FLAG
She just bombed you with "I might love someone else". And it was only over past sexual escapades, ie...hooking up.
This is not a safe partner to say the least. Keep trying to get to the whole truth if you must, but be prepared for another salvo of pain bombs headed your way.
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:57 PM   #28
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She won't admit right now if they have had sex during your marriage. Ask her to take a lie detector test...If she has nothing to hide then she'll do it. If she gets upset or angry then you know something is up.

Why didn't she tell him she was married? That is telling, isn't it? Manipulative and done on purpose.

You could always talk to this OM and hear his side of things. Just a thought to consider.

No point in trying to salvage this marriage until she gets help, fixes what's broken and wants to just be with you. Though sadly it seems she settled for you. She may love you and care for you deeply but the connection she feels for this OM is stronger, and one year into your marriage she's (at best) been emotionally unfaithful to you while investing in him.
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:01 PM   #29
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Wow...your the friendzone guy who got out of the friendzone. I wouldn't believe a word she says about not hooking up with this dude since you've been married. One year in eh? Sorry to say your marriage is DOA..cut your loses.
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:03 PM   #30
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You can't make someone love you and why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you knowing she's in love with another man? One sided relationships rarely succeed. No matter what, you will always wonder why she stayed if she chooses the marriage. Can you handle being her second choice? I don't see this ending well for you, she's just confessed that her love for you isn't that strong. How are you going to survive a lifetime with her if your already having these kinds of problems and your barely past the honeymoon?

It is better you know now rather then years from now when real estate and children complicate matters. This is the cheapest it will ever be for you to get out of this. Yes this hurts but its nothing like the hurt you will feel when she's still married to you and openly dating other men. She's already put you on notice and no amount of counselling is going to make her love you, she does or she doesn't. You deserve to be with someone that loves you. If she asks for a trial separation it will be because she wants to give the other guy a test drive(without the guilt of cheating) while keeping you as her back up. I hate to say this but I don't think there is anything to save here friend.

Last edited by aliveagain; 19th January 2018 at 2:06 PM..
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