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Wife thinks she may love another man


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Old 18th January 2018, 5:29 PM   #1
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Wife thinks she may love another man

This totally blindsided me. I had no idea this guy even existed. She says she’s never cheated and I believe her. Apparently she and this guy have had 10 years of history and never “dated” (whatever that means). She said she’s been battling this issue internally even prior to our marriage but that she thought it would go away with time. Why would you marry someone if you think you might love someone else? Anyway she apparently “ran into him” ( we moved to another city and by coincidence he’s here now too) and she’s afraid she won’t be able to stay faithful. She’s willing to go to couples therapy and seek a therapist for her own issues. Anyone have expirnce with his? I love her but I don’t know if I can get over the fact she may always want another man.
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Old 18th January 2018, 5:55 PM   #2
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First, I am very sorry. I can't imagine the pain and shock you are feeling atm.

Infidelity is both emotional and physical. There is a very good chance that she is cheating emotionally. You need to determine the extent of her relationship with him. She must be honest with you about everything. Once you feeling you have everything on the table, then you can make decisions about the future.

I know it may suck right now, but I can promise you will be ok regardless of the outcome. Stay strong.
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Old 18th January 2018, 6:21 PM   #3
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She said she’s been battling this issue internally even prior to our marriage but that she thought it would go away with time.
Only speaking for myself but I'm not sure I could ever come fully back to the relationship after hearing this. She's basically saying you were Plan B, she wanted him but settled for you.

How did you find out about this? Kudos to her if she offered this up on her own but you have some very hard choices to make. I feel your pain...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 18th January 2018, 6:49 PM   #4
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I agree with Lucky...Plan B.

How long were you guys married? Also, if I ran into my "first real love" on the street...I wouldn't just go,"hey you know what? I had history with this chick, and I still love her so...." Something seems eschew here! Your not getting the whole story, and you may not. Maybe time to jump ship.

Last edited by BarbedFenceRider; 18th January 2018 at 6:50 PM.. Reason: spelling...her.
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:41 PM   #5
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Only speaking for myself but I'm not sure I could ever come fully back to the relationship after hearing this. She's basically saying you were Plan B, she wanted him but settled for you.

How did you find out about this? Kudos to her if she offered this up on her own but you have some very hard choices to make. I feel your pain...

Mr. Lucky
She told me. As much as it hurts I do respect the fact she had the nerve to bring this up before she had sex outside our marriage. She didn’t offer many details but I get the feeling if timing had been right she definitely would have chosen this guy over me. I think she settled and hoped the feeling would go away on its own. She said she even had this guy blocked on her phone because he would period reach out to her. I don’t even think this dude knows she’s married
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:43 PM   #6
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I agree with Lucky...Plan B.

How long were you guys married? Also, if I ran into my "first real love" on the street...I wouldn't just go,"hey you know what? I had history with this chick, and I still love her so...." Something seems eschew here! Your not getting the whole story, and you may not. Maybe time to jump ship.
We have been married just over a year
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Old 18th January 2018, 8:30 PM   #7
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He may be her preference, but she may not be his. That does not mean he wouldn't pump and dump her if offered the chance, but that's not certain - some men do respect others' vows.

The issue here is that she was and is still smitten, and settled for you - you may be the best she could get at the time, but still not be what she wants. At least she is apparently honest and wants to do something about this before it grows into a huge, insoluble problem - give her lots of credit for that, at least.

Think carefully about what you want, and the quality of your relationship. At this stage, there are few - if any - consequences to you if you divorce (as long as you don't have children together). Later, this could change, so be very sure of the choices you make. Therapy may be helpful in figuring this out - together, and separately.
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Old 18th January 2018, 8:39 PM   #8
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You need to move far away for your wife is addicted to this OM.
At least 1,000 miles making it to hard for them to hook up.
The OM will then pass on her for local women.
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Old 18th January 2018, 9:21 PM   #9
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If I were you I'd check my phone bill.

Go online and take a look.

Only married a year. You have some thinking to do.

I would not wallow in the plan B zone for long.
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Old 18th January 2018, 9:41 PM   #10
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Marc878, I agree I think there's more to the story here..
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Old 18th January 2018, 10:32 PM   #11
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I don’t see this ending well.

You need to know their history so you can make your own decision. If she actually loves this guy and not you, there is not much you can do.
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Old 18th January 2018, 11:10 PM   #12
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We have been married just over a year
If I were you I would divorce her.
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Old 18th January 2018, 11:42 PM   #13
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I’ve been there. As the other man.

Actually, I have two exes who think I’m “the love of their life” and claim they will always love me. So far, that seems to be the case.

This is what I think I know to be true about situations like this:

1. As unfair and hard to understand it may be, there is nothing you can do to stop your wife from loving another man. It’s not your fault. And you can’t change it.

2. There’s really nothing the other man can do to stop your wife from loving him either. I’ve purposely avoided both of these women for years. Not spoken to them for years. Still, when we cross paths again she’s still holding a candle for me. Simply being in each other’s presence rekindles the flame.

3. Chances are this guy doesn’t want your wife. I mean ... he knows how she feels. If he wanted her, then he would have been with her. There’s a reason you don’t choose a woman who always loves you and is always available.

4. However, that doesn’t mean he won’t sleep with her. Your wife has essentially told you it will happen if the opportunity arises. Believe her. I’m on this site due to an affair with one of those women.

I can’t suggest you divorce your wife based on what may happen. There’s a chance she could come to her senses and avoid this guy. And I don’t think there’s a guarantee you won’t run into this again if you leave her to find somebody else. I think most women have that one guy in their past. For some, the bond may be stronger than others. But, you can almost be certain every woman you meet might have a man in her past she had a more intense relationship with, was a better lover than you, a better communicator, was with her at a crucial point in her life, or whatever. Maybe he could have just been her first love. You know they say we never get over our first love.

It’s a reality we all face. Personally, I’ve learned not to worry about her past. Just have to enjoy and appreciate what we have today. Realize what’s important in your relationship. For most, honesty, trust, and fidelity are among those things.

What you have to do is figure out what you will do if those things you value in a relationship are broken. The proceed as appropriate.

But, I wouldn’t stress her feeling one way or another. As I said, that is true to some extent for most. Most just don’t reveal it. And, if you’re fortunate, don’t act on it.

Last edited by MidKnightDreams; 18th January 2018 at 11:46 PM..
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:14 AM   #14
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It's possible it's not the other man your wife is in love with. It's possible she's in love with living in a fantasy world. I believe this happens to a lot of both women and men; however, that really isn't the issue here. The issue is that she's not able to give you her heart fully.

There are women who live in the present and who don't have that ex lover that will always be in their hearts as #1.

I believe it's very possible if you divorce this woman at some point she'll begin to believe you're the love of her life. Not guaranteed but could happen. Still, that doesn't matter because what matters now is that she's not able to give you her heart fully.

You have to decide if you can live with that. Personally, since the two of you don't have children I'd set her free and find someone you're #1 with. They're out there.

If you should decide to stay with her, please don't have children until you're sure you really want to be with her for your lifetime as is.
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:17 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by road View Post
You need to move far away for your wife is addicted to this OM.
At least 1,000 miles making it to hard for them to hook up.
The OM will then pass on her for local women.
You forgot the step where he divorces her first, after looking for evidence that something questionable is going on. Her bringing this up is a huge red flag. It might be her laying the grounds to explain away things she couldn't otherwise.

This shouldn't be about saving the marriage anymore, it should be about him mitigating damage to himself, getting out and finding a partner who actually LOVES HIM and not someone else they couldn't get.
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