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Im lost, because of the details around my wifes rape... Im a mess.


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Old 19th January 2018, 9:30 AM   #31
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"why tell now?"

There's many reasons. She catches her husband trying to contact another woman and understands he's human. Rape affects different people in different ways. It understandably decreased her desire to have sex and she understood why her husband was considering an affair. Having him know what happened would take a burden off of her and let him know where she was coming from as far as her lack of desire for sex. There are far more questions her rapists should answer than his wife. Since posting I've read his wife's thread. I don't think she's lying. If she is holding something back she thinks he can't handle I wouldn't blame her. I guarantee you her rapist had raped before and will do it again. If his odds of getting caught are 7 out of 1000 I understand completely not reporting. Would you admit to a felony (distribution of a schedule I drug) in hopes that you are one of the .07% of the women out there who see their rapist convicted only to be victimized in court? I wouldn't. She's getting victimized here for Christ sakes. If you want to know how to get away with a rape listen to how calculating what her rapist did truly was. The fact that she was not bruised means nothing. Just like my wife she froze. It is a very common response. I personally think some people should not be walking among us. Not taking action is very difficult. My wife was terrified I would do something impulsive and end up in jail. When you know what happened and who did it it is very hard to know there is not a chance in hell at justice through the legal system. I think she was right not to tell and if anything should be questioned it's going into too much detail but I wouldn't blame her for it. Help this woman you love out. Once this guy picked her it was game over. She went against her husbands wishes on snapchat and the people she befriended. She has paid dearly for it. Give her love and peace.
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Old 19th January 2018, 11:12 AM   #32
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Last one on this...

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Originally Posted by 4fin View Post
"why tell now?"

There's many reasons. She catches her husband trying to contact another woman and understands he's human. Rape affects different people in different ways. It understandably decreased her desire to have sex and she understood why her husband was considering an affair. Having him know what happened would take a burden off of her and let him know where she was coming from as far as her lack of desire for sex. There are far more questions her rapists should answer than his wife. Since posting I've read his wife's thread. I don't think she's lying. If she is holding something back she thinks he can't handle I wouldn't blame her. I guarantee you her rapist had raped before and will do it again. If his odds of getting caught are 7 out of 1000 I understand completely not reporting. Would you admit to a felony (distribution of a schedule I drug) in hopes that you are one of the .07% of the women out there who see their rapist convicted only to be victimized in court? I wouldn't. She's getting victimized here for Christ sakes. If you want to know how to get away with a rape listen to how calculating what her rapist did truly was. The fact that she was not bruised means nothing. Just like my wife she froze. It is a very common response. I personally think some people should not be walking among us. Not taking action is very difficult. My wife was terrified I would do something impulsive and end up in jail. When you know what happened and who did it it is very hard to know there is not a chance in hell at justice through the legal system. I think she was right not to tell and if anything should be questioned it's going into too much detail but I wouldn't blame her for it. Help this woman you love out. Once this guy picked her it was game over. She went against her husbands wishes on snapchat and the people she befriended. She has paid dearly for it. Give her love and peace.
Last one on this...For me anyhow.

I don't want anyone to think that anyone is insensitive to the situation of rape, date rape, or any of the variants.

I am not and no one should be.

In this case, is it possible that she may have been raped, or date raped? Yes it is possible.

But lets be clear, if she was date raped, the she was having an affair in the first place.

It is possible that there are the "standard" reasons that she did not report the rape and "deleted" the evidence? Sure there are.

But honestly, if you read through this, with all the warning that he gave his wife about these people that she was hanging out with, the comments made... it is just really hard to believe that this is anything else but a wife, in an affair trying to cover her A$$.

And, is anyone going to make the case that a women, that took pictures of the bruises that her husband caused the one time he ever grabbed her, this same woman would not report a straight up rape, and destroy the evidence to boot.

Folks, I just really find all of that hard to believe...
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:20 PM   #33
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Let's be honest here. In this age when you put a white woman charging a black man with rape, corroborated by the mother, he goes to prison. And if you still have that phone, the pictures are still there.

What doesn't add up is the confession of rape versus a affair. Given the circumstances leading to the confession, (The Facebook flirt) a affair would have done just as much damage. Why add in a rape?

Because it probaly happened. As did some type of affair. It probaly did not go physical as many women feed off the validation. When you look at the OP post, his anger is directed at her putting herself in this position. Ironically, that is the same reason why she may not have conffessed earlier. Guilt. Her husband warned her and warned her. She ignored him and here they are. Easy to see the doubt.

With that being said, it is crazy to think this shouldnt be reported. She has a corroborating witness. Forensics may be able to get the pictures. And sorry to say race will be a factor.

To the wife. You have to pay the price for your part in this. If you get dragged in the mud, so be it. He must pay the price for his crime. YOU know the truth. False allegations against black men are not uncommon. Even if it is false, you can probaly put him away for a long time, but you will have sacrificed a mans life for your marriage. Don't do this.

If it was rape, then stand your ground. To the husband, give her the benefit of the doubt and stand with her. The counselor excuse looks like stalling. File charges right away.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 19th January 2018 at 12:26 PM..
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Old 19th January 2018, 2:37 PM   #34
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If she won't report the rape ask her to pass a polygraph. You both need counselling to help you deal with this. You also need the truth so you can make the best decision regarding your future together. Most men will believe their wives when they make such a serious accusation about any man. Most wives don't destroy the evidence and withhold the information from their husbands for a year and a half. I would ask her to take a polygraph, get the truth.
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Old 19th January 2018, 3:24 PM   #35
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OP is a rape victim from childhood as well... Either way, I would like to get an update from OP on the status of finding help in his area. Or if he would like to provide a city or town they reside in, folks from LS can research and find outlets for him to contact on his own.

I still think a white flag needs to be waved and together, proceed to get intensive victim support. PTSD therapy, and counselling to process emotions and build healthy relationships while recognizing safe spaces.
I also think, that by going through this together, this couple can mend the fences and safeguard their marritable home. My wishes anyways....
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Old 19th January 2018, 10:01 PM   #36
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Due to a few reports I'll remind everyone that this is one situation unique to the Op and the purpose of this thread is to focus on that one unique situation.

Those wishing to discuss rape in general, the definition of rape vs date rape vs false allegations can do so elsewhere, there are plenty of other threads on those topics. ~T

Last edited by William; 19th January 2018 at 10:26 PM..
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Old 19th January 2018, 10:41 PM   #37
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
If she won't report the rape ask her to pass a polygraph. You both need counselling to help you deal with this. You also need the truth so you can make the best decision regarding your future together. Most men will believe their wives when they make such a serious accusation about any man. Most wives don't destroy the evidence and withhold the information from their husbands for a year and a half. I would ask her to take a polygraph, get the truth.
I have a feeling she won't agree to that.
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Old 20th January 2018, 12:35 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
If she won't report the rape ask her to pass a polygraph. You both need counselling to help you deal with this. You also need the truth so you can make the best decision regarding your future together. Most men will believe their wives when they make such a serious accusation about any man. Most wives don't destroy the evidence and withhold the information from their husbands for a year and a half. I would ask her to take a polygraph, get the truth.
i don't agree with treating a rape survivor like the criminal.....make the freaking rapist take a polygraph...he should want to prove his innocence...rape survivors dotn want to have to prove innocence ...they want to be supported and believed.........

..telling a rape survivor to take a polygraph makes me feel like i want to beat my head against a wall...........as a rape survivor i would do it under protest and heavy hearted..BECAUSE...it would forever change how i trusted the guy who made me take it ..i would see him as never having my back when i truly needed him too be strong in me and with me ..when i needed support the most he failed monumentally and treated me with distrust and disbelief....and with the rape about whether to be with me or not,..........couldnt be with a guy like this... like the op ....i would dump him.....eh woudl be a cause of my eternal unhappiness..........i would end the relationship after passing that polygraph..after having to prove my innocence......


these guys need real professional help....its not only them that neede help..... they have a family, a child.......they dont need advice like get a polygraph...even me as a survivor who has also been disbelieved many times isolated and ridiculed called an attention seeker or specifically on here a troll.........i am bias.... and this thread is actually making me feel like finding something made of cement to smash my head into...its making me anxious upset and really quite angry...you dont treat survivors like perpetrators or liars...theres no trust from op to his wife or gf....its sad....beyond sad...

they need a mega load of professional compassionate and supportive help...rapist needs a polygraph and chemical castration....deb.....
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Old 20th January 2018, 1:17 AM   #39
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I donít think polygraphs are admissible in most jurisdictions in the US.

Itís very difficult to prove rape here and almost impossible when you destroy evidence. The case would be her word against his and I think proving guilt beyond a reasonable doubt would be a tough hill to climb.
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Old 20th January 2018, 1:24 AM   #40
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I donít think polygraphs are admissible in most jurisdictions in the US.

Itís very difficult to prove rape here and almost impossible when you destroy evidence. The case would be her word against his and I think proving guilt beyond a reasonable doubt would be a tough hill to climb.

exactly why men or women dont press charges or are hesitant to......
i have never read or heard before though a suggestion a rape survivor get a polygraph ...so theres a first....deb.
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Old 20th January 2018, 3:52 AM   #41
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Elimination of the rape culture needs to be done. Elimination of reasons why you don't press charges, needs to go also.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 20th January 2018 at 4:22 AM..
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Old 20th January 2018, 1:33 PM   #42
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Imlostnow, you have to figure out if you trust your wife.

If you do, then help her heal from this.

If you donít, can you rebuild the relationship with her?

We donít know your wife. We donít interact day to day with her. You have to decide if you can go forward in your relationship with her.

What she did by having a relationship as a friend or more with the OM is on her. You voiced your feelings and thoughts on it and it was her choice to ignore you. She put herself in the situation she was in. She allowed the OM to come your home to pick up drugs while you werenít there. She let him into your home. What happened after was an assault on her or a ONS. I donít see a rape victim having her rapist at her childís bday party a week later.

Could she have regretted her actions afterwards and thrown up and taken a shower afterwards, by all means she could have.

Up to you, make the best decision for you and your kids.
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Old 20th January 2018, 5:02 PM   #43
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I can't say whether or not your wife was raped, as I wasn't there.

Something that does trouble me is that , from the story related, she says this happened when your young child was in the house. If she was attacked, this makes it really important ( not that any woman or man who is sexually assaulted shouldn't report it, if they can) that she go to the police. After all, if he did it to her with her baby in the house, what else will be be willing to do?

Also, if she was attacked, reporting it can help her to gain back some of her sense of power over herself ad her own body. If he did this to her, he may have done it to other women too. Knowing she did what she can to hep can make her feel like less of a victim and more empowered.

If she is lying, well, that's just about as low as you can get. That's why I hope she's being honest.
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Old 20th January 2018, 10:12 PM   #44
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OP, my heart really goes out to you.

I had written a long post to you, then got a phone call so was away from my post for awhile and when I came back to it decided not to hit the submit button.

The point of telling you this is because, as delicate as this situation is, I didn't post because I didn't want to sway you even a tiny bit in a way that could cause you even a smidgeon of misdirection.

Of the many threads on LS, this one has touched my heart as much as any because of your youth, your background of depression and last but most touching to me, your sincere efforts and desire to protect your family. I admire that so much in a man. From what I have read of your posts, you are truly a man among men, and you should be proud of not only your desire to protect your family but your tenacity in seeking a solution that would be most healthy for yourself, your wife and your little girl.

I encourage you to do whatever it takes to find someone, a counselor or a qualified, trained pastor even, to help you and your family through this. There are many large churches who have counselors on staff who will counsel anyone, even those who don't belong to the church, without charge or possibly for a nominal fee.

I don't mean to sound as if I'm signing off on supporting you because I'm not, and may continue to post to encourage you. It's just that at this point I find I have developed some strong opinions that seem en pointe to me but if they are off, I would hate to share them and influence you wrongly, even though it may be only slightly.

All of that said, my heart also goes out to your wife. I believe that whatever happened has certainly ended up causing her grief, too. It is my hope that the two of you can work together to heal and grow from this as individuals and as a couple, to come out of it stronger than you have ever been and to prosper.

You are in my prayers.
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Old 20th January 2018, 11:11 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by Imlostnow View Post
Hi Loveshack community,
Im new here, and I hope Im doing this right.

My story is one of distrust. Me and her are both 21.

I didnt know she was violated until a few days before christmas. Im lost, and I want to believe her but I have my doubts about the whole truth to the situation... it breaks my heart to have these doubts but I do.

<snip>
She became friends with two couples. One couple met AT work. The female in this new couple was currently married, and the dude knew this, and my gf knew it too. I told her that made me feel uncomfortable. Knowing that she hung out with cheaters made me feel wierd and eventually that new couples relationship BLEW TO PIECES, and that dude came over crying and seeking pity from my gf. I told her I didnt like that at all either, but it is what it is and after that moment she stopped talking with those two. (A massive blow up at work got the dude fired, and the girl quit)

<snip>She comes home and tells me how that if I got messages from random girls saying she had slept with him in the parking lot at work that they were lying. They were just jealous or upset that he was her friend and not theres. Then, I find out that they were using snapchat together. She swears that it was innocent. That he used that app because his phone was off and it was free to use. I told her to please stop that. To please consider how this whole situation is making me feel. She bought them baby formula. She helped him out with baby clothes ( the fact that they had a baby is why she says she was friends with them in the first place) she continued to talk to him on snapchat even after knowing my discomfort. This guy even brought up how his gf found another girl on craigslist, and how hes cool with it. Implying that theyre down for threesomes. I told her I didnt like this either... I didnt like any of this I made it very clear. This guy smokes weed( my gf doesnt, but her mom got some for the guy and my gf without my knowledge told him he could come pick it up after his work shift.) When I was away at work. I had no idea he was coming over. It was 10 at night. She says she had no intention of letting him in the house. He shows up, knocks, she opens the door, gives him the pot, and then he asks to come inside for a drink... this is where the rape begins... beware... my heart is broken...

He comes into my house, theyre alone. My baby is asleep in our bedroom. They go to the kitchen. He gets a drink, and I guess my gf turned her back to him, because he proceeds to grab her by the back of the neck. Take her to the living room. (I dont know what happened in exactly what order, but I know entirely to much for my heart to handle. )bends her over rapes her from behind... on our couch. He got her in a position close to missionary... he put his mouth on her privates. He had her basically entirely naked. He put his penis in her mouth. He came inside of her... Im trying not to go into detail, but you get it. He did everything to her he could basically.... during this my baby apparently woke up and fell out of bed screaming her heart out... she didnt see anything but... man...

She says she said no, she says she fought, she didnt have any bruises that I could visably see. She says she got rid of the clothes. She didnt call anyone, not the cops, not me. No family. No friends. She says she waited a week to get checked on. But she says after he left she just vomited showered and went to bed. I came home during my lunch. She gets up tells me she was feeling sick and that she was gonna go lie down.

She says he threatened to black mail her, saying they were having a affair for months if she said anything. So she was scared to tell me. So she didnt tell me and then these things happen.

So after the rape, he shows up at my daughters birthday (she says she invited him before the rape and was to afraid to tell him not to come.) He eats food I cooked, he talks to us, he shook my hand, he looked me in my eyes, and she allowed him to humilate me basically.
I had no idea what had happened and I was just a fool.
He shows up at her moms house to buy more weed, and he tries to sleep with her. Telling her "he has a big dick" and offering to give it to her. They didnt sleep together, but my gf mom told her about it, and THEN she decides to try to tell her mom. Her mom apparently told her to stop talking about it because she couldnt handle it. After she finds out about what he said to her mom. She sends him a message on snap chat I will never get to see. Basically saying we would kill him, and to stay the **** away.

For someone so afraid of this man, she threatens him, and STILL doesnt tell me. My kid our kid was in danger and she still didnt tell me. Her mom was in danger, and she didnt tell. I was humilated by having him at our daughters birthday and she didnt tell.

She didnt tell me a thing for about a year and six months. She didnt collect any evidence, no pictures of bruises or any messages.

<snip>


She met him without my knowledge.
She talked to him behind my back.
She knew my discomfort with him.
I warned her... we had a mutual respect fr each others rules and she broke them therefore breaking her respect for me.


I feel so much distrust for her now. She was capable of keeping this from me for SO LONG. If she can hide this she can hide anything. She met him without my knowledge and this happens...

I have been there for her sense finding this out, but my doubts are eating at me. I know she will never own up to something if she indeed did cheat. I feel like she is just hiding truth to make me not leave.

How do I get past this? How do I trust again? Should I trust again?

She swears she was just trying to be nice... she swears she had no temptation. She swears there was no cheating.

Why meet him without my knowledge. Why was he there AS SOON AS I LEFT FOR WORK BASICALLY...

<snip>
Just fyi. I was raped as a kid. Violently at 5 yrs old. Bruised and broken...

I need to know what others think... I need to hear someone elses take. Please help, and please dont be to hurtful... Im broken already...
My sister was raped, 4 of my female friends were raped, I went to court with them to give them support because they were afraid, I understand. I know how each of them reacted, they did not react the way your wife did. All I am saying is you are there for her support, why won't she take this POS off the streets? I can only go by the behaviors of the women I know and I am not saying your wife is lying. All I know is if someone is trying to get you to believe them they will do whatever it takes to convince you including pressing charges against the man that raped her. She warned you about gossip that was being circulated at her work regarding her having sex with him in the parking lot but then behind your back invites him to your house at 10:00 pm at night when your at work. She then destroys all the evidence and keeps it a secret from you for 1 1/2 years. Why would the POS show up at your child's birthday party right after raping your wife?

I am not saying there's a normal way to rape someone but everyone I know that went through the experience were not forced into being naked, only the cloths required to achieve their goal were pulled down. I respect women and I would without hesitation step in to defend them friend or stranger. If someone doubted me about something this serious I would go out of my way to remove any doubt from their mind. I have made a comment on your partners post before I responded on yours just so you know.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 21st January 2018 at 10:43 AM.. Reason: Truncate full quote to highlighted passages
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